4 things- all for you!

On a recent trip I stayed at a hotel and opted for the deluxe suite. Much to my dismay it did not come with fries.

Of all the seasons I think this one is my favorite because it's the only one with a nickname. "Hi, I'm autumn, but everybody just calls me fall...cause that's what the leaves do during me."

(Out of curiosity, how did you guys imagine Autumn's voice as you read that to yourself? I was sort of thinking something similar to actor James Gammon - better known as manager Lou Brown from the Major League films.)

If you repeatedly interrupt people who are talking at a party you are an asshole, unless you have a camera- then you are a photographer/asshole. (The / must be read as the word "slash" in order for this observation to reach it's full comedic potential. My apologies to those who re-read that and were still disappointed with the outcome .)

If anybody you know ever makes the mistake of calling an airline and speaking to the automated operator in your presence, I think a fun way to punish them is to wait until they are trying to communicate what the purpose of their call is, and then yell into their phone "purchase aircraft." It may not be a standard menu option, but if they ended up having to buy an airplane on account of your prank, imagine the laughs, cause where would they park it, right?

Check Me Out

I was featured in the latest Time Out New York. The key to comedy is waiting almost two years after something is topical, and then making a joke about it.

That being said, I'm working on some hilarious Harriet Miers Supreme Court nomination material. So you can look forward to that.

Breaking down the South Region

The lone region I’ve yet to forecast with alarming accuracy is the South. Let’s get to it.

Central Connecticut State over Ohio State- Caught up in all the pre-tournament hoopla Buckeye Freshman Greg Oden forgets to take his daily fiber and arthritis meds and is a complete non-factor. Central Connecticut earns 6 crucial points off of technical fouls as OSU coach Thad Matta thrice steps onto the court during game play to pick up pieces of debris that he thinks might be chewing gum.

Brigham Young over Xavier. In the fiercest religious-athletic conflict since Pope John Paul II out-bowled the Dalai Lama back in 1989 the Mormons triumph over the Jesuits. After catching an episode of Big Love in the hotel room the night before the game several Musketeer players will spend too much time asking Cougar players to explain what Roman and the compound are all about.

Tennessee over Long Beach State. Tennessee coach Bruce Pearl will get the most out his team with a rousing halftime speech in which he threatens to ride the team bus back to the hotel wearing nothing but orange body paint if the Vols don’t pick it up in the second half. The 49ers- more like the 86eders after the tournament is all out of them- cause they lost. Take that.

Virginia over Albany. The Cavaliers will take the Great Daynes for a walk and make the Great Daynes pick up their own poop. They will not do anything to help the Great Daynes when the Great Daynes get wicked, wicked fleas. The game may only last 40 minutes but that’s whatever 7 X 40 is in dog minutes so the Great Daynes will be way tired. In summation the Great Daynes will be too busy licking their own genitals to win the basketball game.

Louisville over Stanford. The classic battle of the Cardinals versus the Cardinal. Everybody knows many cardinals are better than just one, especially when that one is a tree and the many are birds. I can’t find it online to show you but trust me, earlier this year Stanford forward Lauren Hill had the most ridiculous looking bowl cut fade I’ve ever seen. Anyone with judgment that bad hurts his teams chances of winning. Speaking of hair, I’m pretty psyched to see that creative in-hair designs are regaining favor in the black community. Several college basketball players have showcased some impressive hair-artistry, highlighted by Michigan’s Brett Petway.
Somewhere Anthony Mason is smiling.

Texas A&M over Penn. Texas A&M is going to win the whole tournament. The only tournament Penn is likely to win is the tournament for universities from which my cousin graduated that I also attended on a model united nations conference in high school. I’d like to see the One Shining Moment highlight package equivalent at the end of that tournament. It would probably be lots of my cousin hanging out with his freshman year roommate Jon Legend (no the other Jon Legend) and me passing flirtatious notes to the hot delegates from El Salvador.

Creighton over Nevada. How long has Nevada’s Nick Fazekas been the best player we’ve never heard of? Too long. Fazekas proves not to be the most valuable white guy on a mid major who’s seemingly been in college forever with the initials NF when Creighton’s Nate Funk hits a game winning shot of either the one, two or three point variety. Fazekas misses a full court heave at the buzzer and teammates question his strategy of going for the rock and jock 25 point basket that is 20 feet high.

Memphis over North Texas. I desperately want to pick North Texas because their nickname is the Mean Green. That’s the best adjective color combo in their dubious history of nicknames. Prior to this they were the Silly Yellow and before that the Quiet Pink. Memphis’ Joey Dorsey, perhaps the hardest dunking man in the collegiate ranks, will humiliate North Texas with a barrage of power slams leaving the Mean Green more like the Sad Brown (because they’ll be shitting themselves in amazement)

There you have it, all the first round games. When you factor in the play-in game I’ll be 33 for 33 heading into Saturday which is pretty impressive I think. Don’t forget to send me a generous chunk of your winnings. Enjoy the games.

Your Personal NCAA Tournament Picking Guide

I know you’ve been anxiously awaiting these as you try to beat your pool’s entry deadline, so here are the rest of my first round locks- or as nervous nellies might call them: picks.

I’ll begin in the East.

Eastern Kentucky over North Carolina. It’s too bad North Carolina didn’t get put in the North region, otherwise they’d be a decent pick. Logic, if not history, dictates that if the name of a school contains the region in which they are playing, they are a shoo-in to win at least one game. Salute the Colonels, your first round victors.

Michigan State over Marquette. Nobody can shut up about the clash between teacher and pupil. Marquette’s coach Tom Crean was Tom Izzo’s top assistant for years with the Spartans before spreading his wings and flying as the Golden Eagles instructor Eagle. Normally I’d pick Marquette, because I think I would beat all of my former bosses in basketball, but I’m pretty confident Drew Naymick’s hair will blind Dominic James as James misses the front end of what would have been the game tying granny-style free-throw.

USC over Arkansas. Many people were very surprised that Arkansas made the tournament. Try as they might to prove that they belong, the Razorbacks will be unable to cause “40 minutes of Hell” as they did under former coach Nolan Richardson. Instead the Hogs will offer USC 28 minutes of Purgatory, 7 minutes in Heaven and 5 minutes reincarnated as the dude who played Buddy Lembeck on Charles in Charge. With their well lubricated offense the Trojans will be able to work it in and out with ease and advance.

Texas over New Mexico State. Aggies coach- the former star of the NBA and NBC’s Hang Time- Reggie Theus fails his team when he reverts back to the coaching style he used as Coach Bill Fuller on the Saturday morning teen sitcom. The plays Theus diagrams are only effective on a 30 foot court with 7’ hoops. Look for Texas freshman Kevin Durant to make a name for himself and possibly even draw the attention of some insightful NBA scouts.

George Washington over Vanderbilt. Lots of people have Vanderbilt winning this game and then knocking off 3^rd seeded Washington State to move into the sweet 16. Those peoples are so wrong it makes them jerks. GW beat Virginia Tech this season proving that they're more than capable (whatever that phrase means) of beating V teams from power conferences. Both teams feature point guards with two first names -Vandy’s Alex Gordon and GW’s Carl Elliot, so it’s not safe to trust either squad. Ultimately this boils down to our first president getting a slight nod over a shipping and railroad magnate named Cornelius.

Washington State over Oral Roberts. First of all, Washington State has the sweetest logo ever. Imagine the shame that the guy who simply drew 'cougars' in cursive must have felt when they revealed the winner of the school's logo contest. If the logo isn’t enough to sell you on Wazzu how about the fact that their point guard, Taylor Rochestie, transferred from Tulane last year. He’s a Katrina transplant. Picking Oral Roberts is like rooting for the Hurricane to win (again). Hasn’t New Orleans suffered enough?

Boston College over Texas Tech. Post game press conferences with the general are far more entertaining after his team loses. ACC player of the year Jared Dudley, who says fans call him ugly sometimes, will play quite handsomely as he blocks out all the attacks on his physical appearance thrown at him throughout the game. Most will come from Coach Knight. Dudley will be crying after the game, not because he’s overcome with the joy of victory, but because after a while those Ugly Dudley chants really hurt.

Georgetown over Belmont. Hoyas forward Jeff Green plans on making this tournament his personal non-homosexual coming out party. Against Belmont Green he will have his cake and eat it too, cry if he wants to and act as if it’s 1999. Belmont may boast a balanced scoring attack (6 Bruins average between 5.1 and 9.5 points) but all that really means is nobody is any good. What’s more, Belmont coach Rick Byrd refuses to represent his father and grandfather in everything he does while Georgetown’s John Thompson El tercer, always does.

I’ll get to the dirty South a little later on. Your welcome for everything.

Free NCAA Predictions!

I don’t want to say I’m both a genius and a psychic, but I think the facts speak pretty loudly. In my previous post I predicted that Niagara would win by 8 tonight and sure as sugar they won by 8. I’ve never been more proud. Okay, now it’s time to chop off the mid and take a look at the straight up West.

Niagara over Kansas- Last time I checked no six Jayhawks got together off campus to hospitalize a member of the KU baseball team. Soar on Purple Eagles.

Villanova over Kentucky. As the cheeseball announcers are sure to say at least five times during the course of the broadcast: I’ll bet you anything the Wildcats win this game. But seriously folks, I’m here all weekend. Nova prevails when Kentucky has neither the answer for the length nor the width of senior point guard Mike Nardi’s sideburns.

Virginia Tech over Illinois. I believe it was Dr. James Naismith, inventor of the sport, who said “Never bet against a Hokie named Zabian.” For over 100 years these words seemed like conclusive evidence that Naismith was a peach basket loving, nonsense spewing, nut-job. But ever since Virgina Tech successfully recruited 6’3’’ guard Zabian Dowdell, Naismith’s words have proved prophetic- except for the 50 or so times Tech has lost during Zabian’s career. On Friday Naismith will have the last laugh as the Hokies trounce the mascot-less Illini.

Southern Illinois over Holy Cross. I’ve watched several Southern Illinois games on tv this season and all I gotta say is those young men are exceptionally well-built. I haven’t seen Holy Cross but I can’t imagine the Crusader players having such nice figures. SIU muscles out a W.

Virginia Commonwealth over Duke. Basketball analysts like to talk about the impact that “the name on the jersey” has on the other team. VCU’s jerseys may only say VCU since Virginia Commonwealth is so long, but what’s implied is a belief in the association of autonomous states. If you think a commonwealth would ever succumb to a ruler of a continental European Duchy, you’re totally dumb. The Rams will rule over the Blue Devils.

Wright State over Pittsburgh. A quote from the Wright State capsule from Monday’s USA TODAY: “the Raiders won’t be intimidated by anyone.” Without the option of the intimidation factor Pitt will be forced to comfort the Raiders. This will be very awkward and exhausting for the Panthers. Furthermore, the fact that Pitt forward Levon Kendall is named Levon but is white (and Canadian no less) will finally cost both Levon and his team in crunch time.

Gonzaga over Indiana. Gonzaga will feed off the energy of extremely animated suspended forward Josh Heytvelt as he sits behind the bench absolutely tripping balls. Indiana will not be able to overcome guard Earl Calloway sounding like the name of an influential jazz musician of the Harlem Renaissance.

UCLA over Weber State. UCLA coach Ben Howland is an Alumnus of Weber State. Unfortunately he implores his Bruins to take out all of his undergraduate sexual frustration for him (figuratively) on the overmatched Wildcats. At least Weber State fans can take solace in the fact that their school continues to manufacture the best and most frequently mispronounced grills on the market.

I’m looking forward to completing your guide to a perfect first round of tournament picks tomorrow. Nighty night.

First Round Gold

The NCAA tournament kicks off tonight with the play-in game as the Purple Eagles of Niagra try to get their talons around the Rattlers ofFlorida A&M . It’s winner take all and by all I mean a sound thrashing from Kansas on Friday. I should also mention that I can’t be sure that “Purple Eagles” even have talons. Either way, talon is a pretty sweet word. I wish we humans could call our digits talons although talon-banging sounds kind of harsh.

Anydoogiehowsermd, I’m picking the Purple Eagles to take care of business of tonight. Six of their players got suspended earlier this season as a result of an incident in which they dragged a pitcher on the Niagara baseball team out of his van and beat the poop out of him. I’m not condoning violence, particularly within your own collegiate athletics program, but the type of unity those players displayed in carrying out such an idiotic act shows me that this team is cohesive, ergo Niagara by 8.

Now for my first round picks and accompanying explanations. I’ll start in the Midwest:


Jackson State over Florida. I picked this game based on the answer to a pretty straightforward question: Which team was able to beat a pretty crappy Rutgers squad this year? Sorry defending champs, I don’t see a W over Rutgers on your resume. Buh-bye! Arizona over Purdue. The 8-9 game is often a toss-up so sometime you have to look past the x’s and o’s and decide which coach has a better head of hair. Purdue’s Matt Painter or Arizona’s Lute Olson? No contest.

Old Dominion over Butler. The 5-12 game is always ripe for the upset. This one features two mid-major at large teams. The key factor is that this game is being played in Buffalo, NY. Butler’s leading scorer, A.J. Graves, threw up when he went on a class trip to Niagara Falls in 6th grade. Back in the area, it’ll be puke city all over again for Albert Jermaine or whoever the man hiding behind those initials really is.

Maryland over Davidson. Aggravated by the mass confusion among college basketball analysts about whether the pronunciation of his first name rhymes with the word Even or the word Steppin’, Davidson super-frosh Stephen Curry will be unable to lead the Wildcats past super athletic crack baby DJ Strawberry and the Terps.

Winthrop over Notre Dame. Everybody’s favorite Cinderella pick, the Eagles, will steal the luck from the Irish when the team manager breaks into Notre Dames locker room right before tip-off and swipes Collin Falls’ ipod -don’t get all upset, the manager is white. Without the soothing tunes of Fergie to get him through halftime Falls won’t be able to find his range in the second half and Winthrop will squeak out a victory.

Oregon over Miami (Ohio). You simply cannot coach lack of height and that’s exactly what Oregon’s electric freshman Tajuan Porter brings to the court every time. The cold blooded 5’6” downtown assassin will kill three pointer after three pointer until the game is literally dead- especially for Miami of Ohio.

UNLV over Georgia Tech. This is a rematch of the 1990 national semifinals, a game which UNLV won 90-81. Georgia Tech’s two best players, Javaris Crittenton and Thaddeus Young, are both freshman who were like two years old when that game took place so there is no way they have a proper historical appreciation of the stakes at hand. Runnin’ Rebels advance.

Wisconsin over Texas A&M- Corpus Christi. On the one hand TAMU-CC is fun to say and my friend BA went to high school with a kid named Tamu (sp?) to whom he's probably forwarded an email or two- so the stars seem to be aligning for TAMU-CC. On the other hand BA and I both went to Wisconsin and I was born there and I’ll definitely cry if the Badgers lose this game so I’m going to have to go with Wisconsin.

I’ll dissect another region later tonight with equally sound analysis. Until then enjoy Niagara’s victory of Florida A&M. Time to get the mid out and take a look at the straight up West.

Black History Month Powers bring NCAA Tournament Hours

What up pencils? That's my new word for people I like-pencil. If you really pop the p at the beginning and pronounce it more like "pin-sull" it's pretty awesome. Try it out. Seriously, say it out loud, right now, wherever you are. Run with it, but don't run with real pencils because that can lead to puncture wounds. lead poisoning and even worse: broken pin-sulls.

I hope everybody is making the most of their last few hours of black history month. Don't worry, I'm not just encouraging you to do so, I'm also watching a DVD of the fifth season of Moesha. Say what you will about her pending vehicular manslaughter case, but that Brandy can act!

The end of black history month is always bittersweet for me. While I can no longer look forward to fifteen second tributes to black pioneers like traffic light inventor Garrett Augustus Morgan on my local CBS affiliate, the end of February also means March has arrived with the promise of the world's greatest annual sporting event. Though I easily could be referring to the Croatian International Badminton Tournament which kicks off tomorrow in Zagreb, I'm actually talking about the NCAA Men's Basketball Tournament.

This year, I'm particularly obsessed with college basketball because my alma mater, The University of Wisconsin, is having the best season in the school's history. Hooray Badgers! Boo their opponents! The week leading up to the tournament I'm going to lend all of you my expertise and pick every game for you, including a brief explanation of the pick. All I ask in return is half of your earnings from the pool you will undoubtedly win if you heed my advice.

To get you in the NCAA tourney mood I'm going to offer up some Bubble Awards. All Bubble Award recipients play for teams that currently find themselves on the bubble- which, for the uninitiated, means they are teams that are not locks to be selected for the tournament but have a shot to make it even if they don't automatically qualify by winning their conference tournament. I suppose if you don't know what that means that's probably a good indication that you couldn't give one single shit. My apologies for the explanation. Moving on then.

2007 BUBBLE AWARDS

Least likely to change name when he stars in Adult Films- Dex Manswell, Jr. F, Missouri State Dex may be averaging less than four minutes per game, but that's all the time he needs once his manswell gets swollen.

Most Materialistic Parents- Cartier Martin, Sr. F, Kansas St.
"That sure is a nice looking baby you've got there Mrs. Martin." "Why thank you, it's a Cartier."

Public Address Announcer Endurance Tester- Pierre Marie Altidor-Cespedes, Jr. G, Gonzaga Every time he shoots, the PA announcer has to drink some water in preparation for making it through all ten syllables of that name. When tagging on "for three" beware of hyperventilation.

Least Intimidating Player Name- Nana Ampim Jr. G, UMASS
Perhaps the reason he's only played in two games is because his first name is a common term of affection used for grandmothers and his last name also sounds like something you would call grandma-spelled backwards. "Thanks for the five dollar check, mipma!"

Least Intimidating Team Nickname- Providence Friars
Not to be confused with Monks, Friars are called to a life of poverty in service to a community, rather than cloistered asceticism and devotion. Yikes, sounds like those guys can ball!

(Honorable mention to the Purdue Boilermakers. I can't decide which is more imposing- the textbook skilled steel craftsmen definition or the colloquial shot of whiskey in a beer. )

Congratulations to all the winners. Come see them honored in person at the Believe the Hyphen Bubble Awards Banquet Thursday April 12th at the Times Square Applebees. First 500 guests receive a free Baja Potato Boat.

Tips for Tomorrow

Hey everybody, it's the day before Valentines Day but there is no need to panic. I'm here to help you navigate what has been called "the most challenging day in the history of United States history," by somebody who wasn't afraid to make bold claims nor to use history twice within the span of five words.

If you are not engaged to be married, like I am, chances are romance isn't exactly your strong suit. Be that as it may, you don't have to spend this February 14th like so many in your past- pouring pint after pint of delicious beer atop your lonely soul, playfully flirting with strangers at the bar so that maybe for a minute you'll forget that you're not overpaying for a prix fixe dinner that you can't enjoy because you're now totally convinced that you should have gone with the necklace rather than the earrings.

No, lovelorn friend, this Valentines Day you get to wield Cupid's bow and arrow- you will either blindside him with a diving elbow drop and take everything he has, which surprisingly includes $224 in cash, or it will just be metaphorically speaking.

They key to securing your desired Valentine's heart lies in the cards. That's not a metaphor, you need to give her/him an irresistible greeting card.

Here are my failsafe suggestions: (If you prefer written descriptions of cards to visuals, you're doubly in luck!)

If you really like somebody but you are not sure how they feel about you, give them this card:

FRONT OF CARD: (Picture of guy flying off of the roof of a building)
My Love for you makes me feel like I can fly!

INSIDE OF CARD: (Picture of same guy beginning to plummet toward ground)
But if you don't love me too, I'll probably fall to my death. Do you love me, Valentine?

In addition to giving your prospective Valentine a good laugh, you'll put her in a position where she'll have no choice but to let you know her true feelings- bonus!


This next card is ideal to give to your friend who is single and cute.

FRONT OF CARD: (Picture of person sitting on the floor of an empty room, with arms wrapped around legs, looking down, forehead on knees)

Why Be Alone On Valentines Day?

INSIDE OF CARD: (Picture of home pregnancy test with minus sign)
It will only make our friendship awkward if you get pregnant.

Hand over that card and start reaping friendship benefits galore.

Last and quite possibly least, a card for that struggling relationship that is just as likely to survive this difficult stretch and lead to marital bliss as it is to fully dissolve before your server wheels over the dessert tray tomorrow night.

FRONT OF CARD: (Picture of roller coaster)
We've certainly had our share of ups and downs...

INSIDE OF CARD: (Picture of your girlfriend's hot friend Beth)
But on this night, even if it's only one night, how 'bout that three-way with Beth you mentioned that first night we met? Just gimme a nod and I'll shoot her the text message I've spent weeks composing, right now. Seriously, my thumb is already touching the send button, you nod, I press. Or are you all talk? Happy Valentines Day.

Your welcome threesome participants.

Hope these last minute Valentines Day ideas allow you to right your capsizing loveboat.

I love all of you.