by

Fibbing Friday #338

Mixed bag from Pensitivity101 last week:

1.What is a pup cup?

A drinking vessel you use when you camp in a pup tent.

2. What is a T cup?

A bra for Bob, when he transitions to Roberta.

3. What does ATM stand for?

A Timorous Mouse – the one mah lad Robbie Burns wrote about.
Wee, sleeket, cowran, tim’rous beastie,
O, what a panic’s in thy breastie!
Afterward, the mouse emigrated to the US, scared the crap out of Walt Disney, and had a successful career in animated films as Steamboat Willie.

  1. What is a BLT?

That’s the name of Elon Musk’s next son.

5. What’s the difference between the North pole and the South pole?

The one in the north still has iron curtains on his windows.  The one in the south wears lederhosen, and plays the accordion.

6. What is a privy council?

Any group of females, out on a double, triple, or fourple date.  If one of them goes to the washroom – ALL of them go to the washroom.

7. What is a community chest?

Dolly Parton was our last – and now she’s gone.  She was outstanding.  😉

8. What are leggings?

These are the quick, little trips I make to another room – another floor – another building, when I get the feeling – irregular, but constant – that the wife has another Honeydew chore for me.
Archon?? – ARCHON??!  Now where did that man go?  I wanted him to rotate the toothbrushes.

9. What is meant by banter?

It’s a traditional Serbian dish – a type of flapjack, made from beechnut flour – usually served with cevapi, described as sausage, but looking suspiciously like a patty that slipped out of a Whopper. ©

10. What is caviar?

Cheaper than gasoline now, with all of Trump’s tariffs

by

People Are Talking About You

Your religion prohibits you from doing certain things.
Your religion does not prohibit ME from doing things.
GET IT STRAIGHT!

It is sometimes difficult to know if Christian debaters and Apologists are knowingly – cynically – putting strawman claims into the mouths of non-believers, or if they really are just as dumb as their arguments make them seem.  My son says, “Embrace the power of AND!”

The trouble with atheists, is that they are constantly talking about God. Perhaps it’s the occupational hazard that comes with the job. And, yet, to endlessly obsess about Him, one might almost think that they actually do believe in God. I mean, if one were perfectly convinced that there was no God, and that there had never been a God, why such an intensity of attention invested in the question? Do non-atheists behave like that?

If Little Saint Argumentum, here had actually paid attention, he might have noticed that us irritating Atheists don’t usually “talk about God.”  We talk about/and to, Bible-thumpers like him – talking about their imaginary God.  You want us to talk/write about God less??!  Make fewer unverified claims!!

If it were only Christian talk of God, there would probably be less – and less strident – Atheist rebuttals, but many of them can’t stop there.  A fanatic is a person who won’t change the subject, and can’t change their mind.  Armed with a self-assumed Crusade, they want to tell all non-Christians
What to eat
What to wear
Who to marry
Who to have sex with – and in what position
Who to discriminate against
What books may be read
What movies may be watched
Who to vote for
What to teach – and not teach – in school

A woman asked Carl Sagan, “If Big Bang and Evolution can be taught in schools, why not Creation Science?”  His answer??!  Because there is no such thing!  Big Bang and Evolution have research and evidence to back them up.  Creation has no such evidence.  Creation must be taken on Faith.

There are none so blind as those who will not see.

The most disturbing, but ironically amusing, was his question, “Do non-atheists behave like that?”  And then he maundered on for another thousand words, telling Atheists what they said, felt, thought, and believed.  And, his was only one of seven such posts that I found on that platform – that day.

by

Family Comedy

My daughter asked me my biggest regret in life. “Not listening to your mother’s advice,” I told her. ” And what was mother’s advice?” my daughter asked. “I don’t know,” I answered. “I wasn’t listening.”

***

As the train reached its first stop, a major walked into the compartment. A young soldier stood up. “At ease!” barked the major. “Sit down.” So the soldier sat down.

At the second stop, the soldier again stood up. Again, the major ordered, “At ease, soldier. Sit down.” Again, he sat down.

At the third stop, the soldier stood up. “Son,” the major said. “You don’t have to stand at attention at every stop.” “I know sir,” answered the soldier. “I’m just trying to get off. My stop was two stations back.”

***

Sometimes you’re the hammer. Sometimes you’re the nail. Usually, I’m the board. (Occasionally, I’m the thumb.)

***

Modern society is so divorced from our food origins, that most people who eat Pop-Tarts have never killed one.

***

Near the center of Washington DC is a giant broadcasting tower, used by both commercial networks, and the government.  There is an elevator which goes about halfway up, to an observation platform.  Donald Trump and VP Vance went up to look around one day.

The Donald gazed out on his empire, and said to Vance, “I was just wondering if there was anything that I could do to make all the citizens of Washington happy.”

Vance replied, “Jump.”

***

I run 30 minutes every day. If I miss a day, I add an extra 30 minutes the next day. Tomorrow I’ll be running for a week and a half.

***

Mrs. Marble, a Sunday School teacher, was telling her students about the time when Lot’s wife looked back at Sodom she turned into a pillar of salt.

Little Roger interrupted. “My mommy looked back once while she was driving,” he announced, “and she turned into a telephone pole.”

***

by

Fibbing Friday #337

Last week, singers or not, Pensitivit101 wanted to know who could match these song titles?

1.For whom the bell tolls

Hell’s Bells, that was AC/DC

2.  Knock Three Times

OCD Sheldon, on The Big Bang Theory
Penny….
Penny….
Penny…

3.  Lyin’ Eyes

That’s the song my redneck neighbor sings, to convince the sharp-tongued harridan that he’s saddled with, that she saw him coming from the bowling alley, not the nearby strip club.

4.  Pink Cadillac

Mary Kay Cosmetics, when they were in their heyday – then RuPaul switched suppliers, and their fortunes sagged.  Soon they were down to awarding tiny Fiats.  Nowadays they can’t even afford to lease electric sidewalk scooters.

5.  If you leave me now

Somebody started singing this at a recent Trump rally.  Pretty soon, half the crowd joined in.
How can we miss you, if you won’t go away??

6.  Fool if you think it’s over

Trump and Vance replied from the dais, with Hegseth singing harmony.

7.  I close my eyes and count to ten………..

Then I sing out, “Ready or not, great-grand-kids – here I come.

8.  Money, money, money

That’s the new theme song for the online casino.

9.  White Rabbit

Dude at the pot dispensary – calls himself Peace – sings the praises of this new varietal.  Not only will it remove all my arthritis pain – it will send me down a hole that I won’t climb out of for three days.

10. I don’t wanna play house….
with I.C.E.  I wound up living in a big wire cage, like a stray dog.

by

’26 A To Z Challenge – O

You may think that I am a Grumpy Old Dude (and I am – but….) let me introduce you to my cousins

OPPUGN

And his younger sister

IMPUGN

They both mean to call into question; dispute.  But why two words for the same meaning?  It’s all in the subtle nuances.

OPPUGN is about as subtle as a brick through a plate-glass window.  He is active, angry, and aggressive.  He calls a spade, a spade – and a lying asshole, an asshole.
IMPUGN is a little more lady-like, laid-back, and passive/aggressive.
1400–50; late Middle English < Latin oppugnāre to oppose, attack, equivalent to op + pugnāre to fight, derivative of pugnus fist; see pugilism

by

Fibbing Friday #336

I had some food for thought with these from Pensitivity101 last week.

1.What is frutti di mare?

A gay, cruise-ship captain

2. What is a rum truffle?

This is a nightcap, served by our local pub, named The Landing Strip, not because of an aviation theme, but where many a toper ends up, beneath the bar stools, after a couple of these.

3. What is a spicy wedge?

It’s a new line of merch shoes being offered by Taco Bell

4. What is cock-a-leekie?

A Chinese rooster, who greets the morning with a strange, pronunciation impairment

5. What is baked Alaska?

He was the chemically-enhanced cruise-ship captain who ran into ITALY

6. What is a battenburg?

For years, food vendors at state and county fairs have deep-fried everything, from corn dogs, funnel cakes, elephant ears, Oreos, Twinkies, butter, mac & cheese balls, and even Coke.  This year, they’re cutting back a bit.  A breaded and deep-fried ground beef patty puffs up to become its own imitation of a Big Mac.

  1. What is pease pudding?

It’s the much-beloved sweet course served at the lunch counter of our local billiards academy – Pease & Cues

8. What is laverbread?

It’s a type of flat bun, similar to a pita, (but obviously not served at Pease & Cues) first concocted by an Australian tennis player, out of milled kangaroo tails and cold nettles.

9. What is a Welsh oggie?

A pile of what came out of the back end of the (last) Queen’s pet dogs

10. What is crempog?

Just because I can’t think of an amusing or interesting response, you don’t have to raise such a flap, Jack!

by

The Name Game

Speaking of rare and interesting names – and I do, from time to time – I recently encountered a relatively new surname.  It’s only about 200 years old, where most names are about a thousand – and it was invented locally.

SIEVENPIPER

I read that a local man named Wayne Sievenpiper had died.  Morbid, I know, but sometimes reading the obituaries is my only entertainment.  His ancestor was Pennsylvania Dutch, who moved here from York County, and settled near Breslau, the next train station east.

Despite having royally screwed up ‘Ingliando,’ I still thought that I’d do some research.  For informational value, sieven means ‘sieving,’ in German, and ‘piper’ is a spelling variation of papier, or ‘papers.’  The name meaning then, is scholar, or student – someone who sieves information from books or documents – a complimentary nickname that was adopted, and entered into official census lists.

It is about the 179,528th rarest surname.  There are very few less common.  There are only 174 listings in the online surname data base, most of them are in Canada, and 96 of them are here in Waterloo County, centered around Breslau.

Sometimes I envy him his uniqueness – even if he’s dead.  Other times I’m content to mingle with the crowd.

by

Physical One-Liners

I have a quantum physics joke….
….and also, I don’t.

Some memory-foam mattresses….
….probably wish they could forget.

I had a boxing joke….
….but you beat me to the punch.

I got a memory-foam mattress….
….Now it’s trying to blackmail me.

My grief counsellor died recently….
….He was so good that I don’t really give a shit.

Did you hear about the watchmaker….
….who went on vacation to unwind.

I applied for a job at a sunscreen company….
….They rejected me, but I’ll re-apply.

I was going to join the Debating Society….
….but somebody talked me out of it.

Ever since my best friend became a mime….
….I haven’t heard from him.

I used to work selling dining room chairs….
….under the table.

I told a rather tasteless joke at an alopecia convention….
….Fortunately, it didn’t raise any eyebrows.

Do I enjoy doing courthouse puns?….
….Guilty.

I hate playing Scrabble so much….
….I can’t put it into words.

Only 21% of Americans have gone to university….
….and shot someone.

I have a graphic design joke….
….but it will give you a stroke.

If I say, “Let me finish my coffee, first.”….
….that’s not a suggestion.  It’s a Community Safety Protocol!

To the guy who stole my inhaler….
….I find your audacity breathtaking.

I tried to make a pun about quicksand….
….but I’m stuck.

I’m reading a book about school truancy….
….by Marcus Absent.

by

Fibbing Friday #335

Last week, Pensitivity101 had some odd words.  I can handle ODD just as well.

1.What is a calibre?

A French word, describing how arrogant and ill-mannered a recent tourist poll found the entire country

2. What is citrus?

It’s an archaic term for adage, like
Red-light district at night – sailors’ delight
Red sky in morning – sailors’ eyes bloodshot and hung over

3. What is phlebotomy?

It’s an operation to suck out the fat between your ears.  The neighbor thinks he’s going in for a hearing test.

4. What is pumpernickel?

A pair of cheap, women’s shoes

5. What is meant by nimbus?

It’s the vehicle that picks up all the local residents, and transports them to the community center, where they can protest the church donating land for a homeless shelter.  Not In My Back Yard!!

6. What is a sea monkey?

The lecher on the cruise ship who achieves more docking maneuvers than the helmsman

7. What is an ambassador?

A worker at the sporting-goods store who is constantly promoting one type of fishing

8. What is a flywheel?

Part of a plane’s landing gear
A transport truck, shedding a tire at 70 MPH

9. What is a catacomb?

A feline grooming tool – but ya gotta use a catacatch first.

10. What is flamboyant?

A Viking funeral