soar – because you know you are meant to

i once had to inform someone i was taking a break off to go to singapore because i was just too tired.

“hey i need to go off for awhile so wont be around at church, just need a break.”

“already?” the person began the reply.

-nothing more was said in that particular aspect, but that one word stuck in my mind. i guess it wasnt really the person’s intention, but that word really cut me to the bone regarding how…deviant i am, from people’s expectations. maybe i am expected to be strong because i have Christ in me. maybe i am not supposed to be so feeble hearted and weary. maybe im supposed to, “man up” like they say (even though im a girl, i meant that metaphorically, as in, i should suck it and really be brave).

what are our expectations as the church? that people who belong to God should conform to our standards? or to His?

and the Lord said: let there be light and there was light.

how important is the Word? it is living, it cuts to the core, it reveals everything you cant possibly hide from the Creator.

and i cannot hide from you. dark is light to you.

i will run to the depths of the sea but you will be there with me.

nothing can separate me from you. death cant and life cant.

if one could censor one’s self, what would one censor?

i would think that it would be those things that society would shake its head at, and frown upon, and think, uh uh, how different, how … abnormal.

and i am he who does exactly that.

i am the victim. and i am society. yes. at the same time. yes.

and it doesnt matter to you at all, because you probably thought i wasnt your type and that im weird. but its okay. yes it is. no it isnt.

nd i guess shes so much different, normal at least. someone who wouldnt go off crying suddenly. someone who’s stable at least.

but its okay. yes it is. no it isnt.

i closed down the other blog in a lot of shame, i think. embarassed about everything that i had written in there. i am still ashamed. but i know that there has to be a day when i wont be ashamed anymore about anything, just lifting my head and looking into His eyes.

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