I wanted this blog to be about my journey through university, the ups and downs, and everything I learn. Recently I have had a burning desire to talk about something I know most people don’t want to hear, but what is the point of relating a journey when I can’t tell you why I’m on this journey in the first place?
I had another blog, it documented my journey through college. I deleted it. I regret that. It walked you through all the ups and downs  and everything I had learned, but it also documented my personal, political and socio-economic views. I was advised this was not good for a professional website. Well, now I have a professional website, so this can be about my personal journey.
It began on the 11th June 2010.
Actually it began a few weeks before that, when I started loosing my eyesight. At first it seemed like I had water in my eye, but couldn’t get the water out. Then it spread to both eyes. Then became so bad I couldn’t drive anymore. I could only see large shapes and bright colours, no detail. I tried to send a text message to my partner and had to ask someone else to make sure it said what I had meant it to say.
I walked into the eye hospital to find out what was going on. They couldn’t see anything wrong with my eyes but were concerned because this level of blindness doesn’t happen over three weeks unless something IS wrong. They tried to test my blood pressure but their machine kept saying there was an error. They had to manually take my blood pressure and were a little shocked. Blood pressure isn’t supposed to be 150 over 220. They sent me to the emergency ward of the BRI (Bristol Royal Infirmary).
The doctors there couldn’t keep away, they had to see it for themselves. Instantly I was on medication to lower my blood pressure while they tried to find out what the cause was, one bright young doctor had an idea. “I know you have told us you’re not pregnant, but could we test you?” Sure thing Doc, not a problem. There is no way I’m pregnant!
The joy of being completely and totally wrong.
You have to understand. I never wanted to have children. Ever! I made my decision when I was young and re-made the decision every time I was in a serious relationship. I gave it a lot of thought and I didn’t want to have a baby. So when they told me I was pregnant it was a shock. I thought that I could only be a few weeks pregnant, at best, so it could be dealt with.
The doctors poked and prodded and told me I was over five months pregnant. “Oh, right, so it’s too late then?” Ok, now I had to re-think. I had decisions to make. This baby was happening, there was no way out of that. Do I give it up for adoption? I suddenly remembered my mother telling me she never wanted that to happen. She wanted to know who her grandchildren were. Adoption was off the table. So I had to keep it.
I was on the way to be scanned when this thought occurred. At that moment it felt like everything I was blew apart and then re-made itself slightly differently, and for the first time in 30 years, I wanted a child.
“There’s no heartbeat.”
I came back to reality. My heart shattered into a million pieces. Everything went hazy, like in a dream. I was taken to the maternity hospital where I was induced, which took two days. I went into labour.
It was the 11th June 2010.
I recovered. I went home. I took a another week off work during which we went to the registry office. We had to register her birth. The woman taking our details asked what our occupations were, we told her, admin, call centre, the usual.
“Oh no, this is a permanent record. Isn’t there anything else you can do?”
I jokingly replied, “Well, I’m an artist and he’s a musician.” Cue laughter.
“Perfect!”
It became a matter of public record, that a child was born to an artist and a musician. It took some time after this but eventually I realised I couldn’t let her down. I had to become an artist. And so my journey began. There have been ups and downs, and I have learnt a lot, and now I believe I’m an artist. I still have more to learn, but as one of our tutors said this week, even they are still learning. I have come a long way, I have suffered a great deal. I am stronger now because of it. I don’t want pity. I want understanding. Sometimes I might talk about my children, plural, because she is my daughter and I will never forget her, but I am one who now looks to the future instead of dwelling on the past. Except sometimes I need to talk about it.
This will stay here, another permanent record. I won’t delete this blog. I’ll keep it going, no matter how little I post to it, as is sometimes the case. She is part of who I am. She is the reason I’m on this journey. Her name is Carly.
Claire M Hutt Art 
