Just Cruisin 2

A group of Engineers are in a bar and the conversation turns to religion,…
The System Engineer says, “God must be an Systems Engineer, look at the design of the human nervous system. Millions of signals flying back and forward at enormous speeds, all controlled by a massively powerful processing system that can make billions of calculations every second. Only the greatest of Systems Engineers could design such a system.”.

The Instrument Engineer, contends, “No, God must be an Instrument Engineer. In order to supply all that data to the System it needs a massively complex system of sensory inputs from the most intricate of detectors. The eyes alone are the most sophisticated sensing device ever created.”.

The Structural Engineer argues, “No, of course God must be a Structural Engineer. All that signaling stuff is good, but it doesn’t do anything. The support system to react to those inputs is the key. The human skeleton is a marvel of complex connections, different types of joints, muscles, ligaments and tendons giving combinations of supports to allow each of them joint to move in different ways.”.

The Process Engineer states, “You can’t be serious. None of the physical parts work without constant maintenance. God must be a Process Engineer, the digestive and coronary systems take in all kinds of different foods and drinks, break them down to their constituent parts, distributes each of them to where they need to go, and then rebuilds them into a new chemical structure to do exactly what is needed.”.

The Civil Engineer, quietly finishes his drink, smiles, and stands up to leave “You all make great points, but God is obviously a Civil Engineer. Who else would run a sewage pipeline through a recreational area?”

An energetic preacher was wired for sound with an old, wire-tethered lapel microphone.

As he preached, he gestured enthusiastically and moved about the platform. At times a gesture would tangle an arm in the mike cord, or the cord would get wrapped around a microphone stand or a piece of furniture. As the preacher continued, he got more excited, and he came down from the platform towards the congregation.

Several times, the preacher almost tripped over the cord, and he often came to the end of the cord and was stopped by the tug of the mike cord on his lapel. A young boy near the front leaned over and anxiously asked, “Mommy, if he gets loose, will he hurt us?”

The Norse god Thor was fed up. He had been in Valhalla for hundreds of years, and had had all the goddeses there were to be had, and all the Elven women of Asgard. So, for a change, he thought he would go down to Midgard in search of a mortal woman.

So, in a great thunderstorm, he landed in the mountains of Norway. He wandered down till he caught sight of a fair shepherdess. He hurried towards her. He could see the look of surprise, then gladness, as she beheld his approach, for being a god, he was a strong and handsome fellow. He beckoned to her to follow him to a woodland clearing, which she did.

For quite a long while he cavorted with her (being a god, it was for more than ten minutes!). When they had finished, he thought that he had better tell her who he was,
“ I’m Thor!” he announced.

“Tho am I, but I’m thatithfied!” she replied.

Whenever anyone reaches heaven, he has the option of choosing any saint he wishes as a mentor to show him around until he’s used to the territory. When Pope John XXIII arrived at the pearly gates, Peter informed him of this custom, and asked who he’d like to have for a mentor. Peter mentioned that, since admissions had been really low for the past few years, there was quite a selection available.

“The Holy Spirit, ” replied John.

“The Holy Spirit!,” thundered Peter. “No one has ever asked for Him! Do you know what his schedule is like… no, it would never do!” But John was adamant.
Finally, Peter said that, though the Holy Spirit was likely to be quite angered by John’s insistence, he’d present the request.

“Holy Spirit,” Peter began, “There is a new arrival who wants you for his mentor. I did tell him it was out of the question – but he was so insistent!”

The Holy Spirit was quite outraged. “Who is this?”
Peter answered, “He says he’s Pope John XXIII.”
The Holy Spirit looked puzzled. “Pope John XXIII… name isn’t familiar… Oh yes, now it strikes me! He invited me to an ecumenical council a few years back. I remember it well, because I couldn’t make it.”

Three vicars are discussing the problems of bats in their church.

The first says ‘well, i call in the exterminators, that gets rid of them for about a year, but at least it keeps the damage down’
oh, no’ says the second ‘ I couldn’t possible agree to having them exterminated. I call the local falconer who brings in various birds of prey, and the bats that escape are so frightened, they find somewhere else to roost. it usually lasts about 6 months, but its far more humane’
‘I don;t really have a problem with the bats in my bell tower’ says the third. once I baptize them and then never see them again’

A priest who was hearing the confessions of children heard six boys in succession say, “Bless me, Father, I have sinned – I threw peanuts in the lake.” He naturally was puzzled, wondering why that would be considered a sin by the children.

Another boy entered the confessional next, and Father wearily said to him, “I suppose you are going to tell me you threw peanuts in the lake as well!”

“No, Father,” came the response, “I’m Peanuts.”

In a small village the Priest is furious because his bicycle has been stolen. He asks his verger what he should do. The verger tells him that it must be someone in the village so he should preach a fire and brimstone sermon on the 10 commandments and then the thief will return the bike.

On the Sunday the Priest starts off like Ian Paisley at his best(/worst) but halfway through peters out.

After the service the verger asks: “What happened?”

The Priest replies, “Well, it was going fine but when I got to ‘thou shalt not commit adultery’ I remembered where I left the bike.”

Fr Ross was in the confessional on a Saturday afternoon (a long queue outside, of course) when Peg entered. They chatted a bit after she made her confession. Peg had been away from the parish for an extended period of time, and mentioned that she’d become a professional gymnast. Father commented that he’d always found that sort of work fascinating.

“Well, then, Father,” said Peg, “Take a peak out – I’ll show you a bit of gymnastics.” She exited the confessional, and began to do some handsprings in the aisle.

Mrs Reilly, next on the queue, moaned to the lady next to her, “Ooooooh, sure and look what penances Father is giving today, and me without me knickers on!”

One day a electrician died and went off to heaven. When he got there St. Peter was at the Pearly gates, he was looking flustered and told him, “I’m sorry but we have had our fill of people today and seeing as you are noone special we will have to send you off to hell, maybe try again in a few days time”.

So off he went to hell. When he got there it was hot and horrible, typical hell. He went up to the devil and asked, “Can I start doing this place up a bit ’cause it aint half a dump”. The devil gave him permission and so off he went.

A few days later God and the Devil were having a phone conversation (without Bob). The devil was speaking “Oh remember that electrician chap you sent down a few days ago as you were full up, well he has been very useful down here. Oh yes, we have air conditioners everywhere and have vacuum cleaners getting the place tidy, fridges and freezers are in all of the houses now. Thanks very much for giving him too us.”

God cut him off at this point “Hey listen up, I think I want some fridges around here. I want him back”

Devil: “Tough he is staying here he is too much of an asset.”

God: “I take you to court”

Devil: “Oh yeah, and where are you going to find a lawyer?”

Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, “We only have one rule here in heaven… don’t step on the ducks”. So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.

Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw. St. Peter chains them together and says, “Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!” The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn’t miss a thing, and with him is another extremely ugly man.
He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.

The third woman has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps. She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St.Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on… very tall, tanned, muscular, and thin. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.

The woman remarks, “I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?” The guy says, “I don’t know about you, but I stepped on a duck.”