Out with the Old, In with the New!

“The future always arrives too fast—and in the wrong order.”
Alvin Toffler



Congratulations everyone! You made it through another year! Some of you breezed through (I got a new job/car/lover/cdog). For others, it was a struggle (my rent went up; my cats turned against me; I lost a toe surfing). But for most of us, it was some of each (my boyfriend left me, but then this totally cool guy moved in down the hall!). Let’s face it: right about now most of us can use a small jolt of self-analysis. The start of a new year is a great time to reflect on what’s transpired, as well as look forward and think about making any changes. It can be like reading a book about yourself (and you’re the hero!), remembering all the fun you had (that time we kissed in the car and wound up late to dinner) as well as the missteps (my parents were so mad at us because the restaurant wouldn’t hold the table).

New Year’s resolutions get short shrift these days (can anyone tell me if shrift is a metric measurement?). Many claim resolutions aren’t effective because we forget about them right after the holidays. Actually, many people find resolutions helpful in deciding what is/isn’t working, and in organizing our thoughts into a coherent pattern so we can identify those things about ourselves we’d like to change. It’s beneficial to have some sort of framework, and that’s where New Year’s resolutions come in handy. If making a list of resolutions works for you, great; if not, see you next week in 2012.

Some of us are given to self-reflection, while the more action-oriented among us just want to get on with it. Maybe you don’t want to look back: (2011? Ugly, stupid year!), and if that’s the case, just fast-forward to next week’s post. My best wishes to all of you for a happy and healthy New Year full of love and joy. And very special wishes and hugs to loyal readers Martha, Ivy, Julie and #9.

With Pleasure. Dr. J

Oh the Weather Outside is Frightful

But the fire is so delightful
And since we’ve no place to go
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
“Let It Snow,” Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne

So here I sit: My skis are waxed, I’m ready to hit the slopes, and guess what? Rough skiing – no snow. Well, not yet anyway. It’s supposed to start snowing next week (and that helps me how?). And here I was all set to relieve the snow monkey on my back this week. Here in California, if you head up to Tahoe on a weekend, you’re just asking to sit in traffic and wait in lift lines. No thanks, Frosty. I’ll wait until some Wednesday in mid-January, when I can avoid those nasty crowds.

In the meantime, most of us are mired in the annual holiday marathon, dashing madly from one holiday obligation to another while trying frantically to find the perfect gift for that special someone we’ll call your “Light of My Life” (LML).

How about treating both yourself and your LML this year by giving the gift of “HAPPY”? HAPPY is just the thing for any relationship—and it’s the gift that keeps on giving. HAPPY stands for: Humor, Acceptance, Patience, Pleasure and Yes.

Humor

It’s true, it’s true: Wit and high spirits really do help get you through the toughest, most stressful times. It’s just not that big a deal when he leaves the toilet seat up, is it? So make a joke, and move on.

You: Damn! That stupid Bathroom Fairy didn't show up overnight to clean up the sink again!
LML: Oh. Did I leave a glob of toothpaste in the sink? Sorry.

LML: How’s the clam chowder I made?
You: Mmmm. Clammy! Salty, too!
LML: Salty? Did I put in too much salt?
You: Come here, and we’ll cut the salt with a little wine lapped up from your navel.

Acceptance

Some things are just NOT going to change—and it really helps when you realize that you can’t force them.

He’s never going to look like an Adonis; but he sure feels good next to you in the morning—especially with that festive holiday wood (A Yule log for me? You shouldn’t have! Well, I did tell Santa I’ve been really good this year. Can I unwrap it now? Oh please, oh please, oh please!).

She’s put on a few pounds since you met; but be honest, there’s something about those curves that make her look even more attractive. Face it, everybody thinks their LML looks great in lingerie—and even better taking it off!

Patience

You have to get to that party, but he’s called to say he’s running late.

You: We both agreed we’d go to this office party.
LML: I know; I’m stuck at my sister’s. Do we really have to go?
You: I don’t know; it’s YOUR office party.
LML: You’re right. I’ll be right over.
You: OK. Get here early, and I might let you muss me up before we go. . .

Pleasure

LML is out there, stressed about finding YOU the perfect gift as well. So how about a little pleasure to ease that stress? Perhaps a nice long massage with a fur mitt? Or feathery kisses all over? Or…?

Yes

Here’s an innovative way to get into the holiday spirit: Pick a person in your life, and just say “yes” to anything they ask you—for an entire day. Be brave. You may be surprised at where saying “yes” leads.

Wrap It up in a Nice Box with a Pretty Pink Ribbon

Love really does last longer when you stir in a generous helping of good will. So when that holiday stress starts getting to you (and it will), remember HAPPY: Humor, Acceptance, Patience, Pleasure, and saying Yes. Your partner will love you all the more for it, and I guarantee you’ll have a truly HAPPY Holiday.

Yes, With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Joyous Thanksgiving!

"Gratitude is a twofold love -- love coming to visit us, and love running out to greet a welcome guest."
...Henry van Dyke, late 19th-early 20th century American author and educator

The holidays are upon us, and whatever you celebrate, you’re likely to be inundated with food, drink, shopping and stress. Our body image can take a big hit when we get on the scales in January to discover that special holiday gift of yet another few pounds. Many of us just don’t feel sexy when we’re dragging around some extra weight. Women might avoid helpful p-v positions because they worry their stomachs might look fat or their breasts saggy. Men’s confidence might diminish at discovering their penises look smaller when hidden under a bit of a belly. Let’s recognize that we’re sexy beings regardless of our looks; and most of us will feel even sexier by maintaining our bodies in good health.

On a happy note, here are a few holiday ideas not just for surviving, but thriving:

· Holiday Parties: A friend of mine suggests that you remember not to act like a complete ass when you bump into an ex or that you overcome your innate shyness and talk to that special someone you’ve been wanting to get to know better (what a great holiday gift to yourself!).

· When you’re feeling stressed: Breathe. Smile. Have an orgasm.

· Express yourself! Don't be shy about telling that special someone (or someones) just how thankful you are that they're in your life.

· And for those of you who have aaaaaall your issues handled, here’s a reminder to play safe and play smart.

This T-Day, I’m particularly thankful for:

- My incredibly brave community college students, who continue to amaze me with their willingness to learn and grow.

- My family and friends, for putting up with a know-it-all sexologist.

- And finally, Maestro Jim and #9 for all their inspiration and help with producing this blog.

As always, the doctor is in for your questions and comments.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

I'm Baaaack!

Hi there! I know I've been AWOL for ages, but I now have a bit more free time, and I resolve to once again entertain and inform you. I'm just back from the annual meeting of the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality, where I caught up with my old friend, Marty Klein. The following is his commentary on our conference. Enjoy!

The Pleasures of Sexual Science By Marty Klein, Ph.D.

Last week I had the honor of addressing the Society for the Scientific Study of Sexuality. Everyone was very nice to me, and my talk was received enthusiastically.

But that wasn’t nearly the best part. For four days I got to listen to the country’s best sexual scientists. It was a festival of fact, tested hypotheses, and replicated data—actual information.

Leslie Kantor discussed sex education outcomes, demonstrating that scare tactics do not motivate young people, that accurate information is not dangerous, and that parents can shape their kids’ sexual behavior—if they’ll talk to them.

William Fisher dissected common government strategies for fighting HIV/AIDS–and showed why most common approaches are wrong if we want to minimize the spread of the disease.

Debbie Herbenick talked about why promoting sexual satisfaction is an important part of getting people to make responsible sexual decisions. She also showed that policy-makers underestimate men’s willingness to use condoms.

Mickey Diamond presented his long-term study on how children develop a sense of gender—and what happens when physicians or parents ignore this.

There was plenty of other science to go around, with data on the effects of pornography in real life (quite small), the dynamics of sex offending (very low recidivism), the most effective ways to teach medical students about sex, the impact of social media on sexual decision-making, and so on. Even former Surgeon General David Satcher gave a talk.

While sexual scientists were examining the fine points of sample size and research design, Republicans wanting to run for President were running away from science as fast as they could.

Rick Perry dismissed evolution as “just a theory” with “some gaps in it.” He also dismisses climate science as a “contrived phony mess that is falling apart.”

Newt Gingrich, a brilliant, well-educated man who surely says different in private, calls himself “agnostic” on the question of climate change: “I actually don’t know whether global warming is occurring.”

Mitt Romney, who would gladly say Rhode Island is bigger than Texas if he thought it could help him get elected, now says he’s “unsure” about climate change.

Michelle Bachmann—who makes Sarah Palin look moderate, intelligent, warm, and conciliatory—has never met a scientific fact she couldn’t ignore or disagree with. On the “Today” show, she attacked vaccination. In speeches, she calls Emergency Contraception “the abortion pill,” even though a pregnant woman taking EC continues to be pregnant.

Gravity? Unfortunately, these candidates are not being asked if they believe in it. I’d love to hear them either deny that it’s real, or actually say the words “yes, I acknowledge the science.”

Of course, this is a country in which more people believe in the Rapture than in Evolution. Half of today’s Americans are like cavemen confronting fire for the first time—pointing at it with a combination of fear, wonder, and rage.

It all helps explain why sexual scientists spend so much time talking to each other, getting so little time to speak with policy-makers, bureaucrats, and elected officials. Maybe after the Rapture takes all the anti-intellectuals, it will be easier for the voices of scientists to be heard.

"Reprinted from Sexual Intelligence, © Marty Klein, Ph.D. (www.SexualIntelligence.org)."

And now, because you asked for it, here's an updated version of my original post on jealousy. Seems it never goes out of style, so perhaps this refresher will pique your interest.

The Green-Eyed Monster: Sexual Jealousy and the Concept of “Ownership"

“O, beware, my lord, of jealousy!
It is the green-eyed monster which doth mock the meat it feeds on.”
William Shakespeare

I heard an old song the other day, “You Belong to Me.” I think most of us can agree that the concept of “belonging” to someone—or “owning” someone—can be quite compelling and very hot when incorporated into a sexual fantasy. However, most of us have to live in a place I like to call “the real world,” and when fantasy spills over into reality, things can become problematic. When you pile on enough complications you can reach dangerous in no time.

But Isn’t a Little Jealousy a Good Thing?

While a little jealousy can be a good sign that a partner cares for you, too much just screams “Danger!” If you have a healthy attitude towards jealousy, it's vitally important that you be aware of obvious early warning signs so you don’t wake up one day to find yourself in a relationship with an obsessively jealous (and usually insecure) person. You don't want to become tomorrow's headline. You know what I'm talkin' about: "Three slain in love triangle"

The flip side is, if you are the jealous type, you might be attracting partners who will reinforce that quality (eww). As your relationships progress, they might lead to more and more bizarre behavior. Of course, there’s the other possibility, that your jealousy is actually repelling possible partners, leaving you, poor baby, constantly on the prowl.

How the Hell Did That Get in There? Origins of Jealousy

Most of our attitudes about jealousy are molded by social and cultural forces. For many of us, it begins in high school. Teenagers in particular can be extremely insecure about self-image, and it’s in our teens that we audition our new “adult” identity. Keep in mind that this time of learning and experimenting coincides with being very emotionally vulnerable. Remember those fun times when the world ended because you weren't wearing the right outfit?

The truth is that self-image is a major contributing factor to jealousy: the lower your sense of self-regard, the more likely you are to feel threatened by any perceived act of “disloyalty” by your partner. In fact, if you're the kind of person who lives your life through your relationship (as many of us do), you probably already have way too much at stake in how you perceive your partner's actions.

If you’re aware that you may be vulnerable to jealousy, here are some questions you might ask yourself:

· Does your particular family/social culture reinforce messages about ownership in relationships? Sometimes we don't even realize that we have such strong feelings about a particular issue because they've been so deeply ingrained as a part of our cultural heritage.

· How secure are you in your identity and in your relationship? Are there lots of conditions that must be met? (“I expect you to have my dinner on the table every night at 6 p.m.”) Examine these conditions to determine whether either of you has to meet the other’s unrealistic expectations.

· Does the concept of being owned or owning turn you on? If so, how do you feel about this outside of your sexual relationship? Are you beginning to have these feelings in nonsexual situations? (“I would never allow my partner to go to his office party without me!”)

· What are your perceived shortcomings? Do you feel you're too short, too heavy, too poor? Well, guess what? You've just set yourself up to feeling insecure around anyone who’s taller, slimmer or wealthier than you-in other words, JEALOUS. If you feel that you're too short, then whenever your partner talks to a tall person at a party, that might activate your feelings of jealousy (read: insecurity). I know a man who is absolute catnip to women: he’s gorgeous, funny, warm, etc. And he's never jealous of other men, EXCEPT: he feels that his income is inadequate. Can you guess who makes him feel jealous? A fairly plain-looking man who happens to be quite wealthy. He's worried his partner will find such a man much more compelling than him, even though she's told him it's not true.

One last thought: It’s important that you discuss the parameters of your sexual relationship with your partner. We often assume that we both play by the same rules. You know what they say: when you ASSUME, you make an ASS of U and ME. “After we got married, I ASSUMED he wouldn’t talk to his ex any more.” “After we moved in together, I ASSUMED she’d drop out of her wine tasting group because she knows I only drink beer.”

This is a heavy topic; and as always, I welcome your comments and questions. We’d all love to hear about what works for you. The doctor is definitely in.

With Pleasure, Dr. J

Sexual Power and Sexual Healing

“Nearly all men can stand adversity,
but if you want to test a man’s character, give him power.”
Abraham Lincoln

Just in case nobody has ever told you, let me be the first: Power is an aphrodisiac. It gets you into all the best places, it introduces you to interesting and influential people, it’s headier than any perfume, and I hear it can be even more intoxicating than drugs or alcohol. (I hear things.) In light of the recent very public drawing and quartering of a famous and powerful sports figure, I thought we should revisit a post from several years ago. Amazing just how relevant it still is, isn't it?

But Wait, There’s More!

That’s right; when you combine a dash of charisma with a dollop of testosterone and a large serving of power, guess what you get? If you said a man who’s irresistible to more than just the electorate, you’ve played this game before. Now, pair that kind of irresistible force with a few examples of poor decision-making, and you have an all-too-familiar story—the kind reporters like to lead with by saying, “details at 7; pictures at 11.”

Ever wondered how you’d act after spending years as a powerful and charismatic figure, someone who’s always performing for an adoring public—a public who’s constantly telling you how wonderful you are, and occasionally even throwing themselves at you? Add to that the huge amount of stress involved in performing at such a high level, year after year. Who can say what any of us would do? Just think about how tempting it could be—and how easy it would be for almost any of us to start losing just a bit of our own sense of reality. In fact, when you think about it, it’s a wonder that anyone actually stays sane in that world!

Why is all this so not a big deal in other countries, but always a delicious scandal here? It has more than just a little to do with this country’s attitudes about sex. That and the fact that newspapers have a pressing need to sell stories.

Pop Quiz: What’s one of the hottest selling topics in U.S. newspapers and magazines? Survey says: cautionary tales about sex. Why? Because in the U.S., sex = bad, while in other countries it’s not nearly such a big deal; hence, people can’t be as easily manipulated into buying these tales.

OMG!!! Not Me!

So, when you do see these kinds of stories, ask yourself: did this person actually bring any kind of harm to his/her public; or cheat us out of our time or money or in any other way violate the public trust? If the answer to these questions is a resounding NO, then perhaps it’s really no one’s business but theirs and those closest to them. We’ve all made poor decisions, but most of us don’t have them held up for public scrutiny. What if your every blunder and impropriety was scrutinized under a People Magazine microscope?

Which do you think is more harmful to the public?

A) Lining your pockets with lobbyists’ money?
B) Spending your constituents’ hard-earned tax dollars on overseas “fact-finding” junkets?
C) Having a late night tryst with someone other than your spouse?

If you picked “C,” welcome to America in the early days of the 21st century, where everything is fodder for supermarket gossip tabloids and magazines.

Let’s Slay the Dragon

How do we all put a stop to this kind of manipulation? Step one: Refuse to participate. Don’t read/listen to gossip. Don’t engage in discussions about it. Let’s face it: unless you’re intimately related to the people involved, anything you say is an uninformed opinion anyway.

OK, stopping cold turkey is a bit drastic, but if all of us learned to slowly back away from and eventually refuse to take part in these public rites of character assassination, before too long we’d find the level of discourse would have risen quite a bit. And wouldn’t that be a refreshing change from the usual slap and tickle?

But I DON’T want to forbid you to gossip. That would be wrong. Plus it would just make it that much more attractive. So how’s this for a compromise: YOU be the one in your group to take the high road and maybe mention a few of the above points while everyone else is “tsk-tsk”ing over the latest scandal. Now aren’t YOU the smart sophisticate! Gives you a feeling of power, doesn’t it?

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Help! It's a New Year!

“The future always arrives too fast—and in the wrong order.”
Alvin Toffler

Congratulations everyone! You made it through another year! Some of you breezed through (I got a new job/car/lover). For others, it was a struggle (my rent went up; I lost a toe surfing). But for most of us, it was some of each (my girlfriend left me, but then this totally cool woman moved in down the hall!). Let’s face it: right about now most of us can use a small jolt of self-analysis. The start of a new year is a great time to reflect on what’s transpired, as well as look forward and think about making any changes. It can be like reading a book about yourself (and you’re the hero!), remembering all the fun you had (that time we kissed in the car and wound up late to dinner) as well as the missteps (my parents were so mad at us because the restaurant wouldn’t hold the table).

New Year’s resolutions get short shrift these days (can anyone tell me if shrift is a metric measurement?). Many claim resolutions aren’t effective because we forget about them right after the holidays. Actually, many people find resolutions helpful in deciding what is/isn’t working, and in organizing our thoughts into a coherent pattern so we can identify those things about ourselves we’d like to change. It’s beneficial to have some sort of framework, and that’s where New Year’s resolutions come in handy. If making a list of resolutions works for you, great; if not, see you next week in 2010.

Some of us are given to self-reflection, while the more action-oriented among us just want to get on with it. Maybe you don’t want to look back: (2009? Ugly, stupid year!), and if that’s the case, just fast-forward to next week’s post. My best wishes to all of you for a happy and healthy New Year full of love and joy. Play safe.

With Pleasure. Dr. J