Emma Blogs

After a few days of tears, tantrums and screaming, I have decided that I need to be the bigger person here. Himself has said terrible things about me to his girlfriend, not just about me as a person, but as a mother, and I need to prove him wrong. So I have deleted all of my negative facebook comments- even the one wishing them genital diseases (which, by the way, someone must have shared with them as he later posted a video of a song called the clap and his comment was “someone tell me how to clear up herpes lol” and her response was “Lip salve..lol” Ah, good times, good times.)

Before I go all nice here, let me have one snarky moment where I tell you that my friend saw them sitting side by side at the computers at the library…so sweet!…I really hope he has ended his relationship with the Australian bitch and deleted that find a girl app on facebook- it would be in very poor taste for him to be hiding the screen from D so soon in to their relationship. Bad enough that he was carrying on with other women while she was sending him loving messages on facebook everyday. Ok, snarky moment over.

So…I am aiming to be nice. I had always said, judging by the messages D had sent to Himself that she seemd like a very nice person. I even said it in that message to her friend who tried to friend me on facebook. I really think if there were no Himself I would like D quite a lot. I even worry about he will do to her, for mark my words, it will end in tears. I am not opposed to my children seeing her when they are together. I would not say this about the other woman he was involved with. If it were her, I would fight tooth and nail to keep them away from her. I will not do that with D, I believe they are in good hands with her.

What am I opposed too, and will be bringing up when we meet in mediation on Tuesday, is overnight visits while she is here. I just think that is way too much for my girls. It is one thing for him to say that this is his new room mate, it is another for them to come out in the middle of the night to see their father lying in bed (or on a couch as the case may be) with another woman. Or, God forbid, doing more! That will also mean that I will be saying no to any out of town trips he may have planned for D while she is here if he wants to take them. (I’m assuming he is taking her away…being so close to the Rockies it would be a sin not to take her to Jasper or Banff, when the country she comes from has hills that they just call mountains.) I just can not agree to my children sharing a hotel room with them.

I am very worried about mediation on Tuesday. I am sure he will be bringing her with him and just the thought of sitting out in the hallway with the two of them out there as well is terrifying. I’m quite sure she can not come in to the room with him, but wil I have to witness her give him a good luck kiss? Oh God. Hmmm…maybe I am not taking this as well as I thought I might.

I said the other day that I still loved him. I do, I suppose, but I am not IN love with him. That makes a big difference, I think. I do not want to be with him. When I think about us together, I remember only the bad. I remember his anger, his nasty words, the drug use. Even if I remember the good times, I can remind myself, that, for the last year and a half at least, they were all false. Before D, there was S (the Australian bitch). If you recall, I had copied his facebook messages and I was looking at them today and came across this one written to S on Jan 30, after I confronted him about both women and how he needed to make a choice because he would only end up hurting them both. “well, Emma got in my head and she is right, I can’t leave the girls ever. It’s only been one year but you have suffered so much and can you think what that plus another 6 at least….I am happy with the girls, that’s all I need, but you need more.”

How, when I read this the first time did I miss “It’s only been one year..” ? That right there was my proof that things never ended before he went to Australia. I didn’t need M to confirm my suspicions that he slept with S while he was there, it was right there in those 5 little words.

Men. They are bastards. Well, at least one is. This being the bigger person is going to be bloody hard.

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I should really use this blog on a semi-regular basis. So much has happened over the last couple of months.  I was going to write yesterday about how overwhelmed I am right now, after feeling that I had really been doing very well for the most part. But today…well, today really introduced me to a whole new level of pain and heartache.

She is here. The one I call the Irish tart. (I’m quite sure she is really a very nice person, but it would be very unseemly to have anything kind to say about her at this point in time.)  Himself picked up the girls today to take Saoirse to her soccer game. I saw the van pull up and I waved to let him know I aware he was there. The girls were not ready (of course!) and I rushed them out the door, all grumpy like. Taylor came in the front door a minute later and ran to the back and said “Oh, he’s gone.” Turned out that while she was coming home from dance with our neighbour they saw IT in the car and our neighbour said “That looks like D!” (We all know what D looks like because she was forever commenting on Himself’s status updates.)

So I had a little freak out. Wondered for ages. I called a friend who is still friends with him on fb and asked her if there were any relevant updates from him. Not really, but there was a comment from D, something about enjoying not having to work. So she’s definitely on holiday somewhere…

When the girls came home, I asked. I know! I shouldn’t have gotten them involved. I had to know though. So I say “Who was the girl with Daddy?” and Saoirse says “It’s one of the people who live in his new house.” (He’s no longer living in the van, he has a “room” in a house. What sort of house ? What sort of room mates? I have no idea. It could be a horrid rooming house for all I know.) I ask what her name is and neither girl can remember. “Is it D)**@?” I say,  and they both yell “Yes!” and Saoirse says “How did you guess that?” She was very excited by that. “I’m just a very good guesser.” I say. Since I’m only 99.9% sure that D is really the Irish tart I pull up her profile picture and the girls confirm that yes, indeed that pretty lady is Daddy’s friend in the van. Shut up! I know I am horrible, awful mother. I probably shouldn’t tell you that I later cried in front of them and when they asked what was wrong I  told them that I was sad that Daddy had a girlfriend. I know…I know. I did say that “all we want is for Daddy to be happy.” Fucking liar, I am. All I want is for Daddy’s penis to fall off and for him to lose control of all bodily functions.

I was talking to my mum and she asked why I was so upset about this. I started bawling (really honestly sobbing my poor little head off) and I said, blubbering, “Because I still love him!” I am such a fool. I hate the thought of him sleeping with her, kissing her, loving her. Fuck. It fills me with rage. Why? Why does he get to be in love and with someone and I get to be alone?

In my head, I know that he is only going to do to her what he did to me. I know that she will not be able to make him happy. I know that no one will ever make him happy. He is a miserably unhappy fucker and will leave-and has left- a string of fucked up women behind him. So, in my head, I know it is stupid to still have feelings for him. I know I am better off. It’s just hard to believe that “better off” can be so incredibly awful. My life must have really been crap before!

I don’t think that I ever put it out there on fb that I actually sent D a message, back in April. I had been told by Himself’s former friend that D was leaving her husband, selling her house in Ireland and coming here. She was due to arrive April 12. But, from April 1 on there was almost no sign of her on his facebook, whereas before she was constantly liking statuses, commenting on them, or leaving cutesy little messages.  When, by April 15, there was no sign of her here I wondered has they fallen out? Did she discover the other women? I messaged her and asked if it was true she was coming here. She replied back saying “Where did you hear that?” I answered and her reply was “You don’t have to worry about that.” Looking back, I see it is not actually a no!

A part of me wants to call him up and say “Don’t bring your whore around my daughters.”  But I won’t . Because really, he is the whore, not her. And I can’t keep him from them I, can I?

In that news, last week we went to mediation, but he had not responded all legal like so it was held over to next week. He did go off on a little tangent in there about how there is no justice in this country and my lawyer later described him as “intense.” He did say that he wants them every single day, even if it is for an hour and on Friday nights. When my lawyer asked where they would sleep he said in his room, and he would sleep on the couch. I am sure that with his girlfriend now with him in his rooming house (or whatever it is) that plan is no longer feasible. And having my girls sleep over there with or without his girlfriend was always going to be a no go on my end until I find out exactly who lives in that house. Is he just renting a room from a nice elderly couple looking for a little extra income? Or is it literally a rooming house with a transient population of the almost homeless and drug addicts?

I’ll leave that until next week when we meet again I guess.

For now, I am off to bed to hopefully not think about them sharing a bed tonight! Gah…so pathetic.

Guaranteed, I will be crying myself to sleep tonight.

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Sometimes I miss Himself so much that it literally leaves me feeling breathless. This being on your own is way harder than I ever imagined. It’s not the parenting, I actually prefer doing that by myself. It’s the night time, when I am all alone in that bed. (Not that I am ever alone, one or both girls sleep with me every night, minus the Saturday nights they are with their Dad.) It’s the not having someone to talk to about the hard parts of my day (not that we ever really talked properly). It’s not having someone to kiss or hug for no reason at all (not that he was the most affectionate of people.)

So maybe it’s not him I’m missing, but just the idea of that ideal person. When I think about spending the rest of my days alone it brings me to tears. Was a dysfunctional relationship better than no relationship at all? In my head I know that I am better off with no relationship, but I have always been ruled by my heart and my heart is a bit of an emotional mess these days. Luckily, each day he seems to do or say something that annoys me to no end. I’m not even talking to him, so everything I hear is through our third person or facebook (where he is still friends with my son and a handful of my friends.)  His pure idiocy keeps me from calling and saying “Come back!”  I am reminded everyday that he does not love me and yes, being alone is much better than being in a one sided relationship.  The fuuny thing, he blamed me when we broke up…said that I didn’t support him. That all he wanted was to be loved the way he loved. When he said that I laughed because SERIOUSLY? I don’t think he has a clue what it is to love someone. Of course, my laughing  made him mad and that is when he said “That’s it, I’m done.”

I think I might have sighed with relief when it was over,  even through my tears. It took me 2 months to tell people (my mother), and that was not until after 2 huge fights in one week , and after I found out about the other women on facebook. That was when I knew there was no going back.  He had said that if I changed we could get back together in 6 months or a year, and I remember thinking “What if I don’t want you back then?”  I mean, what if I had changed as he requested and became a stronger,  more independent person? What if I  lost some weight and felt a million times better about myself? What if, in those 6 months or a year, I had met someone else? Someone who accepted me for me, faults and all?  (Not bloody likely to have happened or to happen now, of course!)  What would he have thought then?

He wouldn’t have liked it. Himself thinks only of himself. I see that now, when I reread the conversations he had been having with the Irish tart (who really does seem like a nice gal, but perhaps even needier than I ever was. ) He is willing for her to end her marriage so that he can have a fantasy relationship.

I really am so much better off.  Now, can someone tell my heart that?

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