Ok so I lied ...

I was so gung-ho about doing my 365 project and what did I do?
Write one measley entry and you never hear from again for the next 2 weeks.
Talk about breaking your New Year's Resolution ;)!
I can say I 'wrote the book' on that one, for sure!

It's 9:30pm on a Friday night, and the boys and I have been in pajama's since 7pm.
I am living the life, I tell you!
After a very taxing week, with Jake and Nelson taking turns on getting sick, the quiet time is long overdue!

* * * * *

So I turned 34.
Last week.

And right up to the last minute of my 33rd year, Murphy decided to mess with me.
Like mess with me real good!
And just like that, I broke down.
I cried. And cried. And cried like I've never cried before.

On the eve of my sister's birthday, she sent me an email which pinged my heart.
And on the eve of my birthday, I understood what her email meant.
It was like a sudden bout of depression hit me - and as weird as it sounds, all the crying was therapeutic, believe it or not.

I woke up on Saturday, the day of my birthday, and it was like the song kept playing over and over in my head:

"It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to
Cry if I want to, cry if I want to
You would cry too if it happened to you."

Everything set me off.
Every word I heard made me cry.
Every thing I saw made me cry.
I spent my birthday crying.

And my husband, bless his heart, allowed me to.
And all that crying ended up being good for my soul.
All that crying cleansed my clouded soul.

And so my year begins. My REAL year begins.
Because I've cried all of the nastiness away.
And my puffy eyes are back to normal! :)

Happy Birthday to me.
Happy New Year to me!

It's 2010 and I'm ready to kick some ass!

Some of my Mommy Friends have made it their New Year's Resolution to document each and every day of their life starting today, for a 365-day record of their daily lives, mundane as it may be. I used to blog every day .. and it saddens me that the last time I wrote something here was back in July, when my Lola passed away.

2009 wasn't a very good year for me, in more ways than one. I was emotionally, spiritually, financially and physically tried, tested and exhausted in 2009 and maybe, subliminally, these are situations and experiences I choose not to remember so I subconsciously did not document any of it.

I choose to be nothing BUT optimistic for 2010. I have to be. For me. For my family. For my sanity :).

First step taken was to remove our little family - the 3 of us - from the 'norm' even for just a couple of days and enjoy being with just the 3 of us. No extended family. No friends. Just us. Doing things for each other and being with each other. We booked our trip 2 days before we took off for San Diego and spent the New Year in a city where we know people, but chose not to see people. We secluded ourselves within ourselves. And for a change, it felt good. It felt nice to be just the 3 of us.

Jake asked us this morning what we plan to 'change' for the New Year.
I think the little boy started learning about New Year's resolution.
What am I going to change?
I don't even know where to begin.
All I know is that SOMETHING has to change.
I'm tired.
I've been tired.

It is a new year, after all.
And the good thing about new years is, we get to start fresh all over again.

Happy New Year to everyone. Now let's get ready and kick ass!!

A Baul Full of Memories

** My dear Lola passed away on Sunday, 6:45pm (MNL time) at the age of 90 years old. She left us just as she would've wanted -- on her own terms, in peace. I love you Lola, and you and your stories will live on ... I will miss you so much!

** My grandmother (Lola/Ama) is in stable but ciritical condition and everday brings different news. She turned 90 this year and for a surprise, her children and grandchildren wrote personal blurbs which my sister collected for a keepsake book, given to Lola on her birthday.



A Baul Full of Memories

For as long as I can remember, Lola had a dark – but dusty – old baul. A trunk filled with forgotten pieces of paper and trinket-reminders of times past. All of us in the family have passed by her many times and never noticed how beautiful she really was; how intricate the details are in the carvings of an old Chinese fishing village, how rich the dark wood was if she were only dusted clean, polished and brought back to her former glory. But I (Lola’s namesake) for as long as I can remember, marveled at how beautiful that chest really was.

I was about twelve years old when I told Lola Pining just how much I adored that chest and hope to one day, almost selfishly, have her for myself. Many years passed and I too had long forgotten that dusty, old baul. Mama and Papa visit Lola each year, and on one of those visits, Papa, as we all have, passed by that same old baul but this time, he remembered how much I loved her and spoke to Lola about it. Apparently, she never forgot either and told Papa that if I still wanted her, I could have her. So she had those memories long forgotten within the chest removed and prepared the baul for shipment to America when Mama and Papa returned home.

When the chest arrived from Naga, she was in her familiar condition: beaten, dusty, and flat. I delicately unpacked her, removed all of the dust and grime from her details and polished the life back into her. She was now my baby, my sole prized possession.

The trunk became my keeper of dreams and memories. Within her I have kept pictures, journals, and other sentiments that I hope to pass on to my children and their children. One of those sentimental items that still remain inside is an embroidered handkerchief that Lola gave me on one of my visits to Naga.

The trunk has now become a prominent fixture in our new home, resting quietly – but regally – beneath a window for all who visit to see and admire. She has never failed to capture one’s attention. As Lola has graciously handed this now-heirloom to me, it is my wish to one day hand it down to my granddaughter (hopefully, another namesake).

By the way, Nelson has received full and detailed instructions that in case of emergency, AFTER JAKE, the baul is to be carefully removed from the house and placed in protective custody and be assured of her safety. :)

Happy 90th Birthday, Lola Pining!!! Thank you for the baul full of memories.

We love you!

Farewell, Dear Lola!

It is with a grieving heart that I mention that my Lola has passed away - 6:45pm Manila time on July 5. She was 90 years old, and survived by her 4 sons, 5 daughters-in-law, 23 grandchildren and 24 great-granchildren.

After two weeks of pain and suffering, she peacefully died in her sleep.

I love you, Lola. I will miss you dearly!

Dealing with the Inevitable ...

Jake was only 9mos old when he met my Lola and of course he doesn't remember her if you ask him .. but the memories he has of Lola are the stories we all share with him and for him, it's all good enough.

The news of my 90-year old Lola's stroke and precarious health has made me an emotional wreck for the past couple of days. My parents are flying out tomorrow to be with her, along with family who have flown in from all over just to be there with her, to be her own personal pep squad. How I hate the fact that we are so far away. How I wish I can be there with her as well.

Yesterday, after receiving news of Lola's condition and after I got off the phone with Dad in tears, Jake asked me what's wrong. I told him that Granny is very, very sick and we have to prepare ourselves in case Papa God says it's time for her to go to heaven. Did I think Jake understood? Not really. So he went about doing his own thing in his room, only to come out with a card he said he made for Lola. His card says "Feel better now, Granny. I love you. Jake"

How do I prepare my 6yo for something like this when I don't even know how to prepare myself. I can't explain to him how sick his Granny is ... and I'm even more afraid to tell him if Granny leaves us for heaven.

My husband went through a painful loss last year when his own grandmother passed away, and I shudder at the thought that I might have to go through the same emotions with my own grandmother. It's a pain that's indescribable. It's a loss that is immeasurable. How do you prepare children for something like this? I don't know ...

It makes me feel so helpless to be so far away. Facebook is keeping my sanity!! :) The wonders of technology. My cousin is a rockstar and continuously keeps us updated on the latest news via mobile. This morning's news of Lola's improvement was really an upper, but tonight's latest news of an abdominal infection and internal bleeding is proving to be a real doozy.

I pray for her comfort. I pray that she be spared of pain.
She has given us 90 years of her vivaciousness.
I think she deserves to go in peace, if it's His will.

First Grade, Here I Come!

I can remember when you fit in the palm of my hand
Felt so good in it, no bigger than a minute
How it amazes me, you're changing with every blink
Faster than a flower blooms they grow up all too soon

So let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh just let them be little

I've never felt so much in one little tender touch
I live for those kisses, prayers and your wishes
Now that you're teaching me things only a child can see
Every night while we're on our knees all I ask is please

Let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh just let them be little

So innocent, a precious soul, you turn around
It's time to let them go

So let them be little 'cause they're only that way for a while
Give them hope, give them praise, give them love every day
Let them cry, let them giggle, let them sleep in the middle
Oh just let them be little

Let them be little

I still remember how I was on Jake's first day of school -
... How I cried for a week before school started
... How I was a hot mess the second we left him in the his class
... How I hoped he wouldask for us to not leave him
... How I wanted him to cry out for us

Instead, Jake excitedly and eagerly walked in his class room, smiled and waved us goodbye and went straight to meeting new friends.

My boy went through Kindergarten like a breeze and had no problems at all. He was even voted as Best Reader by the end of the year. His report cards were straight M's (Meets Expectations) for the whole year and even with missed school days (mostly, due to his severe allergies), he didn't fall behind.

The Big Guy and I are so proud of him. Sometimes, I wish I can hold him back because it feels like he's moving too fast. But when I see the excitement and hope in his eyes, I can only take a step back and watch him flourish - full of life, full of eagerness, full of desire!

We love you, Jake! :)

(Unexcusable) Sign of the Times

Yesterday's disturbing news left me with a heavy heart as I went to bed last night. A 4mos old baby boy was found dead inside the car at the BART station yesterday afternoon. The dad forgot to drop off the baby at day care and left the boy to die inside the car (which supposedly reached a scorching 100 degrees).

Not to say that the accident is excusable -- but I truly believe that it is the sign of the times. Now, more than ever, people are working harder and holding on to their jobs. Working hard equals stress, and stress equals mental imbalance. Maybe the dad was rushing to catch the train to get to work. Maybe the dad had a deadline that he needed to catch. Maybe ... Maybe ....

Let this be a lesson to all of us to take a step back and take note of what's really important. We are putting way too much on our plate and if we can just take stock of what really matters to us - awful things like this can be avoided.

It's still hard to fathom - how could a parent forget about their sleeping child in the backseat of the car? But instead of condemning the parent(s), I feel for them. I feel for the Dad who thought he was doing his best to provide for his family by rushing to work. I feel for the Mom who had to discover her baby lifeless inside the car after a whole day of being left inside. It happens to the best of us. It's unfortunate. It's very, very unfortunate.

** I saw this on Oprah last year and it helped put things into perspective for me. I've heard of these incidents happening all the time, but hearing a parent's anguish and pain helped me understand that the stress of daily life can easily get to any one of us.

How To Raise Men We'd Want To Marry

** Excerpts from Valerie Monroe in Oprah's 'Live Your Best Life' book. **

"Attention mothers of sons: Women of the future are counting on you!!"

Not to disregard parents of little girls, but I've always felt that as a parent of a boy, I (with the Big Guy) have a greater responsibility in raising a boy who will, in time, turn out to be the kind of man any woman would love to marry.

I encourage emotion from Jake.
I openly display physical affection. I shower him with kisses and hugs, and in return get showered with the same.
I allow empathy and sensitivity.
I foster affection.

Studies show that boys who get affection, love, respect and compassion grow up whole and happy. And boys who are encouraged to show their emotions grow up to be the men who fully grasp the nature of love.

Last week during the Culturaly Day affair at school, Jake displayed some actions which made me feel proud as a mother of a boy. He paid special attention to his partner, Andrea and never left her side the whole time. They danced very well together and I was glad that he got paired with this cute little girl. After the dance, when all the children and parents went back to the classroom for snacks, I noticed Jake pull a chair for Andrea to sit on. I saw him go up to the table to get a slice of pizza, and a few minutes later, saw him go up again but this time getting 3 slices. I stopped him and said he should just get 1 slice at a time, and that's when he said "Mama, I'm getting one for Andrea and one for Jael too." He decided to get extra slices for the girls in his table because like he said "so they don't have to stand up anymore." Then after the pinata was opened -- all the boys rushed in to get the loot and I noticed that the girls weren't able to get any. I saw Jake with a handful of candy and toys and I asked him if he can spare a toy for Lisa. He gaver her the ring that he got. Then he turned around and saw that Diana, Amelia and Jalen didn't get any so he gave them some of his loot as well (without being told) and he ended up with just 1 tattoo and a kabooze.

I watched my boy as he displayed acts of chivalry, willingly and with no hesitation, at 6 years old. And I felt proud. And my heart became full. I told the Big Guy about it, with tears almost welling up in my eyes. I watched my 6yo boy and realized, maybe we are doing a good job as parents after all.

Sure he's mischievous at times.
Sure he's rambunctious at times.
He is 6 years old, after all.
But at 6 years old, he has done more than most boys older than him have done.
At 6 years old, he plays rough and runs around like a normal 6 year old boy should.
But at 6 years old, he understands how he should be around girls. That's more than I can say for some men.

So I figure, if we continue to emphasize to Jake the importance of striving to be the best man he can be, then atleast I can be at peace knowing I did my job in making sure there is one less jackass in this world!!