Becky Laparra

This post is a little overdue, by like 9 months, and I have been contemplating whether I should even write it or not. But I know it needs to be out. I have been holding this for a long time. 

 Back in October, Nick and I found out we were pregnant. This was the best moment of my life. You see, I had been waiting since my young teenage years to be a mama. My dream was coming true. I couldn’t believe it.

 We had an early ultrasound 2 weeks later when I was 7 weeks exactly. There was nothing there. However, I was still having MAJOR morning sickness that lasted all day long. I couldn’t understand why I couldn’t see my baby especially if I could feel that the baby was there. The doctors determined I must be miscarrying. For a whole week I cried and waited for the telltale sign of blood to show that my baby was gone. Nothing happened. I dared to hope and pray that maybe the doctors were wrong and my baby was safe inside of me, living and growing. 6 days after my first ultrasound, I had one more. The final one.

It was a molar pregnancy.

 I had never heard of this before. But it sounded horrible. My stomach was clenched and sick. There is a partial molar or a complete molar. I had a complete molar. No baby.

 I took this surprisingly well at the time. I just forced the idea of what was happening to me to the back of my mind. The next day, when I was 8 weeks exactly, Nick and I walked to the hospital for me to undergo surgery to have the tissue removed. I took this all in stride and felt fine. I was sore and a little sad after the surgery. Nick tried to talk to me about adoption in hopes to keep my spirits up. I couldn’t face it yet, at least not for a couple of days. My surgery was on a Tuesday. By Saturday night, I was excited to start the adoption process.

 You might think that I just shooed that month out of my mind and moved on. To an extent, yes, I did. I wasn’t going to dwell on the past and let it dominate my life. I had to move on. I had to keep going and trust that Jesus knows what He’s doing, even though I was so confused as to why this was the best thing for me. I also couldn’t stand the pain I felt at being empty inside, with nothing in my womb. When I did think about it, I would start crying and so I would hide it away again.

 I pushed my due date out of mind. I honestly couldn’t remember it anymore. That scared me. I was scared because I didn’t know, because I wanted to know, but didn’t have the strength to research it. I found the strength today, recalling that the day was supposed to be the 15^th. Of June? July? So I checked…June 15, 2010

 And then I cried.

 If I had had a baby in my womb instead of cancerous tissue, I could have a 9 day old child right now. I could be a mama at this very minute. This would have been a really good week for us.

 9 months have passed since then; I have many friends now who are pregnant and enjoying motherhood. I could be bitter. I could be real good at being bitter. I could wail and lash out to my God and talk about the unfairness of it all. I could be good at that too. And it would be SO easy to do.

 But God hasn’t called me to an easy route. He hasn’t promised me ease, pleasure, and comfort. He’s promised me a hope and a future. And I’m going to cling to that. I’m going to cling to the knowledge that I am adopting a child that desperately needs a family. And I will love that child as if they came from my own body. Then one day, we will try again. We’ll see if the Lord will have compassion on us and allow us to be pregnant. Until that day though, I am praising Him for keeping bitterness out of my life, for keeping me joyful in all circumstances. For providing me with the knowledge of what it’s like to love someone that isn’t even born yet, for what it’s like to feel like a mother. For the uncountable ways He has blessed our adoption process, for my loving husband and faithful friends. I can still cry and know that He is God.

 I truly feel so blessed.