| life challenges |
[Dec. 6th, 2014|02:32 am]
Piseag
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Somebody mentioned that cancer has been the hardest part of my life. I disagree. It was really stressful and scary at the time, but I had a lot of support and it was over with fairly quickly. Two months from diagnosis to surgery, no chemotherapy, no radiation, low risk of it coming back to bite me later on, etc. And while there are some lasting consequences, such as having only one eye now, it really doesn't impact my life very much. I can still see, still drive, still get hit on by people who should know better, etc.
The things that get me down are less tangible than any one thing. The year after cancer when I started working 12 hour shifts overnight while trying to take care of two little kids and all the housework during the day was particularly hard since all my mental and emotional reserves had been tapped out the previous year. There wasn't much left to draw on at the time, and it took its toll. I've recovered completely since then, and my day to day struggles are annoying and frustrating but ultimately not very important or long-lasting. I've got a good set of coping mechanisms for handling depression, stress, anxiety, etc.
One thing that bugs me is not being able to help other people as much as I want to. Some of the stories I hear from people are just heartbreaking, and I know there's nothing I can do to help besides listen and offer hugs and cocoa. Sometimes that's all I can do, and I'm told it helps, so I keep doing it. I cannot dwell on the things I cannot change. Neither should you. It doesn't do any good to help people, and it can make your brain self-destruct. |
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| weekend shenanigans |
[Nov. 2nd, 2014|10:06 pm]
Piseag
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This weekend was busy! I made myself a long to do list of chores I wanted done, and then everything else happened instead. On Saturday I delivered a futon and a dryer to people who said they would come pick them up. I unexpectedly babysat my sister's kids for a while. An old friend from out of town dropped by and kidnapped me for an evening of shenanigans. I came home with a new book that I was only going to read a chapter of and then stayed up most of the night reading it (Burning Sky, by Sherry Thomas). I got between three and four hours of sleep before getting up for church on Sunday where Kyle gave a talk, and I made a new friend. Church was followed by a family birthday party for my mother-in-law. We had the entire clan together for fondue (cheese with vegetables and bread, and chocolate or raspberry sauce with fruit and cake) at my brother-in-law's house.
I love listening to David's parents tell stories, as they inevitably do that these parties. They both grew up in Vernal when it was still a one-road town out in the middle of the desert. Tonight's story was about Syd and his friends finding some abandoned dynamite, sawing the sticks in half, and setting them against the mountainside with paper plates in front. They shot the paper plates from a distance, causing the dynamite to explode. When someone stopped and asked what they were doing, Syd told them he had perfected his "atomic bullets." About 20 minutes later the cops showed up... |
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| does this thing still work? |
[Oct. 27th, 2014|11:07 pm]
Piseag
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Due to numerous promptings, I'm attempting to write again. (Be afraid!) Has it really been over a year and a half since I updated this thing? Let's play catchup...
David got a job teaching English at the local high school. He does school work pretty much 24/7. I'm mostly grateful for the steady employment, but partly jealous/frustrated that I'm essentially a single mom for 9 months of the year. I need to work on my gratitude, methinks.
Last year was the first year both my kids were in school all day, so I tried working a day job. It ended poorly, in my opinion. Between being sick for most of the winter and my lack of tolerance for normal people... I jumped at the opportunity to quit when we moved into our new house.
We bought a house! Since David has a permament job, we could finally settle down enough to buy a house. It's a single-level manufactured home with 4 beds and 2 baths. I'm still pretty excited about owning a home. I look forward to painting it and buying curtains. You can stop laughing now at my domesticity.
I've been job hunting since school began, but I havent' had much luck. My available hours are severely limited since I have Kyle during the day (we're doing the online school K12 from home - it's a mixed bag but I'm still glad we're trying it) and both kids in the afternoon. I've started taking Shorinji Kempo classes twice a week in the evenings, which I enjoy immensely, and I don't want to give them up. They're great therapy. That leaves graveyard and weekends available for work. Who knew finding a graveyard shift would be so hard?
Kyle is 9 and obsessed with Minecraft and entitlement. Rachel is 7 and obsessed with boys. I'm not entirely sure how children of our species reach adulthood before our parents throttle us to death. They're both cute and smart, though, so that gets them off the hook more than it should.
I'm not sure what I should be doing with my life at this point. David's settled, the house is settled, Rachel is settled... Kyle needs to find a happy space, and so do I. I don't know what I should be doing at this point, other than trying to keep everything afloat. A couple dozen reminders of WRITE THINGS NOW has come my way, so I guess I'll take that as a hint. I'm hoping that writing journal entries will get me back into writing anything besides the occasional angsty poetry. |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 25th, 2013|01:24 am]
Piseag
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This week has been better than previous weeks. Yay! Got to come home early from work on Tuesday and make dinner with my family. Things are finally starting to settle down a bit at work. Kyle's been doing well in school (knock on wood). The snow is melting, even if we did get a foot of it yesterday.
We need to focus on David getting job applications out. I think/hope that when he gets a permanent teaching job, I'll be able to quit mine and find something else with better hours. That should go a long way to stabilizing my sleep/food/exercise routines and I can get healthy again.
Easter is coming up, and the kids' birthdays. I must plot... *plotplotplot* |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 17th, 2013|11:19 pm]
Piseag
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It's been a stressful couple of weeks. Work's been busy. I went to my coworker's wedding. I signed Rachel up for dual-language immersion (English/French) for next year at the behest of her teacher. I hope that it's the right decision. David brought me two sets of flowers for Valentine's day. The kids both scored lots of candy at their Valentine's day parties. I'm not sure about people giving out pictures of themselves as gifts, though. Seems a bit egocentric. I've had the same headache all week. Today's been pretty nice, though: church, nap, a bit of family cleaning, and then watching Hotel Transylvania with the family. :) |
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| (no subject) |
[Feb. 4th, 2013|12:54 am]
Piseag
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This week has been hard. Work has been really, really, really busy, with every day busier than the last. There's been drama with people who need more help than I can give. I feel pretty helpless and worn out at the moment. I need some time to recuperate.
Some high points for the week include my sister dropping by with some very nice socks for me as a pick-me-up gift. Later she brought me a very nice purple flannel, too. The weather's been warm and the hope of spring is finally coming. One particularly bad night I came home to a tidied house with food cooking and ready to eat and the warm arms of my husband reminding me that not everything is broken. We got to watch the Superbowl at David's parents' house today; I don't care much for football, but being in a welcoming place with tasty food (deviled eggs! and cocoa!) and books and a fireplace to read in front of is a nice way to relax. I have a supportive family and supportive in-laws, food, shelter, employment, books. I really do have everything I need.
I got my taxes done and filed today. I got my car fixed (note to self: don't park in snow banks anymore) this week. I kept the house pretty clean right up until the end of the week. Now it needs rescued again. I got to rest today.
This coming week probably involves more of the same as last week. Maybe tomorrow I can get caught up on chores and get organized so I'm better prepared to meet next week's demands.
Current book: The Borrowers, by Mary Norton.
Current music: Imagine Dragons |
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| eep. catchup. |
[Jan. 27th, 2013|11:53 pm]
Piseag
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Long time no post! I've made new goals for 2013 and one is to update my journal every week.
Let's try to catch up, then, since October.
Halloween - Rachel was a very pretty pink princess. Kyle was Link from the Legend of Zelda, complete with wooden sword and shield. This was the first year they did proper trick-or-treating and didn't fall asleep or get sick. I took the night off work and took them around David's mom's neighborhood, just a block or two. It was great fun. David's mom's cat Fiona stayed with us the whole time, darting into two peoples' houses (apparently she does that often enough!). One lady was giving out cans of soda instead of candy.
Thanksgiving - We hosted Thanksgiving this year at my house. I had my parents, both my siblings, and David's parents attend. Helen cooked a lot of things, I cooked a lot of things, and my dad did the turkey. Everyone else brought travel-friendly foods like salad and drinks. Jeremiah brought his girlfriend (now wife) Tiffany, who seems really nice and good with kids. Jeremiah had his two daughters on visitation. He wanted to bring his hawk, but I told him not to (silly Jeremiah). We took some family photos on the front porch that I still need to develop. I'm still trying to get photos sent to people. We exchanged and opened our Christmas gifts on Thanksgiving since we wouldn't see each other for Christmas. Jeremiah had us this year, and he gave me some really nice books (The Name of the Wind by Patrick Rothfuss and its sequel). I gave everyone movies and popcorn and cocoa - a family movie night basket thing.
The Henderson Thanksgiving was held at Matt & Julie's house the weekend after Thanksgiving. Julie makes really, really good wassail. There was much food and fun had by all. We planned our Christmas festivities and drew names from a hat for who's buying for who.
Christmas - We also hosted Christmas, but for David's family this time. Everyone in David's family came over for food and festivities on December 24. There was a lot of snow, and we worried about people making it through the canyon, but everyone made it safely. We had to have a truck pull Kriss's van out of our driveway, though (it got suck). For food we had spiral ham, cheesy potatoes, salad, salsa, deviled eggs, crackers and dip, cheese, green pie, apple pie, lemon pie... We exchanged and opened our Christmas gifts.
I got sick for Christmas. I was awake long enough to open presents, and then I went back to bed for the day, and the next day. It was like having a mini-bout of mono, but without the sore throat. As soon as I got better, the rest of the family got the same thing and the kids slept through half their Christmas vacation. It began what turned out to be a medley of different illnesses that went through our family. I'd be sick for two weeks, healthy for one, sick for two... we stayed home for New Year's for that reason. And then January started and...
January - January at RRD is full of overtime! The past couple years have been pretty mellow compared to the first January I worked there. This January was more like that first year - lots and lots of overtime. It pays well, but it's exhausting. The best part about this January, though, is that I stepped down from running my special project Paychex. I cannot tell you how much of a relief that is to not be in charge of ten other people and the madness that is trying to do two or three peoples' jobs for two weeks. We're in our last week of January, and I'll be glad to see it go. This month has also been extremely COLD. Today it's snowing and while driving is bad, it's really nice to have temperatures near 30 degrees instead of 40 degrees below that. It's also cleared out the inversion - I hear we reached #1 in the country for worst pollution.
Funeral - David's paternal grandfather passed away on January 6. Two funerals were held - one in Provo and a second in Vernal where he was laid to rest. We were only able to attend the funeral in Provo. The whole Henderson clan made it (even Uncle Bart who flew in from Katmandu). Some of the older children (including David's dad) gave talks about the things Grandpa loved, like flying airplanes and teaching and building things. He was a really neat man, and I see where Syd gets his can-do and shenanigans from. They made a valiant effort to keep it a celebration of his life, as upbeat as possible. Everyone cried anyway. A party was held after the funeral at their Provo house. Grandma's health was in decline before she was widowed, and now we worry even more. But they've lived to their 90s, and had a really good life. I cannot begrudge them a well-earned rest from this life.
David and job hunting - David's still substitute teaching on a long-term basis for the lady with cancer. This chemo treatment is supposed to last until the end of March, so he has stable employment until then. School districts are posting job opportunities for next year already, so he needs to be applying for those. I'm still torn about whether to stay here or move. Logan has David's family, a city that I like and know, my job, and friends. It also has terrible winters, inversion, and not very many job opportunities for David. We could move to Salt Lake, which also has terrible winters and inversion, and a lot more traffic, but also friends and family. Wyoming is the next best bet - it pays well for teachers, is close enough to travel to see family within a day, and would finally cut the umbilical cord. We might finally feel like adults. But there haven't been many job postings there, and Wyoming's winter is worse than ours, but with less inversion.
Kids - Rachel is doing really well in school. Kyle still consistently has behavior problems. Once a week he goes to see a counselor who's doing the kid-version of behavior therapy. It's supposed to be a 12 week program and he's halfway through, but I haven't seen any changes at all for better or worse. Both kids tested extremely well on their standardized testing. We're considering enrolling Kyle in karate and Rachel in piano lessons, perhaps. I'm hoping that physical exercise and mental discipline from karate will help Kyle. I think Rachel just needs a hobby.
Goals for the year - I've revised my goals for the year, trying to make them more finite. I've revised my daily and weekly chore lists and I'll try to stick to them better. I have grand plans that seem to inevitably get ignored for work and sleep. But updating this journal was one of those goals, so at least progress has been made. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 9th, 2012|12:21 am]
Piseag
|
snippets keep running through my head. kindof a brain dump. rawr.
by day autumn's beautiful,
gold and crimson against the azure sky.
i go to work in the fall,
but i come home in winter.
by night everything's frozen.
i'm not ready for winter!
it's too cold and dark.
-
juggling responsibilities
i can pass as a functional adult.
they're all up in the air,
and i keep waiting for them to fall again.
it's been a pretty good run, this round.
if i can just keep my head clear
and not panic
maybe i can keep it going.
stress levels are rising,
and i must be patient and steady.
i cannot retreat into books and music
and ignore life.
i must keep putting one foot forward
on the tight rope,
keeping everything going. |
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| January in October |
[Sep. 27th, 2012|03:15 pm]
Piseag
|
So you know how work gets super busy in January as we print all the fiscal reports and tax documents? Well, our general manager just said October is going to be as busy as January. The mayhem starts Monday. My quarterly project Paychex will be part of that mess. My backup (my in-laws) will be out of town for most of the month. David's working the whole month, too, so I'll be getting up at 8 to get the kids ready for school.
I shall endeavor to not fall off the planet. We'll see. |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 13th, 2012|02:54 am]
Piseag
|
Oy. I think that's the longest I've gone without an update. Sorry, folks. I'm not dead, I promise!
Summer summary: work for Jess, unsuccessful job hunting for David mixed with temp jobs, swim classes and outdoors and video games for the kids. Didn't travel much at all this summer. Skipped both family reunions, didn't go to Rendezvous... Oh well.
Fall: Kyle is starting second grade. He has a good teacher who is communicating well with us and not letting him have his way, which is good because his behavior issues are continuing. At least he's consistent? Rachel is starting Kindergarten. Her teacher is 70 years old and is teaching because she wants to do so. I think she's nuts, but from what I've seen when I volunteer in her class she's very good at teaching. A lady came up to me in her class today and said, "Oh, you're the mom of the girl who reads already?" I'm both pleased with Rachel and alarmed that her test scores weren't kept secret. Maybe that's a hard secret to keep?
The heater is kicking on for the first time this fall/winter tonight. I'm sad the sunlight is fading. I'm listening to Linkin Park's new album, which is hit and miss for me like the last one was. I finished reading Terry Pratchett's new book The Long Earth. I hope he lives long enough and is coherent enough to finish the series. I am not happy settling into a year of working full time while David substitute teaches. I want him to get a job now! I am impatient to be settled into a place permanently (even though really nothing is permenent). I want out of this job because I live there more than I live at home and I miss working on homework with my kids. But I'm grateful we're housed and fed and relatively safe. David's going to sub for a lady who'll be out for surgery for 6 weeks. He's got to make a teaching unit for a book about the Great Depression. I read part of it. They were starving. There was no work. They would have taken anything. I'm glad we're getting by. I'd like to be more than getting by. Is that too greedy? To want some sort of payoff for all the years of work and stress to put David through school again. To hang pictures on my wall, not knowing if I'm going to move in a month.
I'm trying to be active in church again, even though it's so early in the morning. I think there may be no reconciliation for me between what the church teaches and what I feel. Mostly my issues hinge on gays, and my stance that I think people should find light and love wherever they can. It seems so unfair that a gay person must fight themselves, their beliefs, and everyone else for something that most of us take for granted. Something as simple as companionship.
Eh. I'm not being very coherent.
Anyway, so. I stay with the intention of having a social network of people with good intentions - to help each other and their neighbors. To become more Christlike (a good rolemodel for a person of any religion). I don't know. To try to be a better person.
On a completely unrelated note, I want to go run through the corn maze at night with friends, followed by hot chocolate. And possibly pie. The corn maze is open now. |
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