Friend by my side…or taking sides

Posted on August 15, 2014 by starsinmeyes

Hello people! I miss blogging. Miss my blog. Miss the discussions with my readers. But that ‘zing’ I need to blog has hardly been there. Today for some reason, the ‘zing’ is back with a bang. So here I am with thoughts about friendship…having just passed another Friendship Day last week.

I make no secret of the fact that I get more strength from my women friends, than I do from family. But connecting with my girl friends is so so tough. Virtually, I’m on Whatsapp and FB…some groups from which I do get strength. But often there’s no time to type out detailed replies…and conversations peter out in various threads. Meeting personally is happening oftener as we’re all growing older and freer from the kids, and marking out ‘me’ time with our families. All the same these f2f meets are rare and far spaced. Phone conversations are tough; everyone’s got their own routines and constraints. For me, the silliest constraint is not having a good signal inside my home. I have to go out for a walk for my long convos with friends. And of course, getting the privacy to talk freely is also hard.

But I wanted to ask one question. Because I’m in a situation where I have been reaching out to friends…whom I sense will have no judgment and understand totally. I don’t want my friends’ opinions. I just want to be listened to, to know there’s someone who cares. It’s funny, as we grow older, how many judgments we lose. I’ve crossed some no-return points…and it’s startling how many opinionated judgments I’ve let go of. When you’re in those shoes you’ve always turned your nose up at, saying, “you’ll never catch me doing that”…you often find that there’s a legitimate reason why people do what they do. It’s not black and white. At all. The greys are of so many shades, everyone knits the greys into their own color palettes of justification of why they do what they do. The grey is also hard to deal with…everyone’s talking about Robin Williams depression…and many of us are wondering if that sinking feeling, if the unreasonable sadness in the face of pretty perfect situations is depression or a sign that something isn’t so perfect about that situation…the good thing is many of us are listening now more to our friends.

Because we don’t need judgment. We need understanding and someone standing by our sides. Not someone taking sides.

There’s nothing more aggravating than someone telling you to look on the bright side of things. Yes, there are plenty of bright sides. But when someone is in the doldrums, when someone is struggling with the right choice vs the comfortable choice…it’s the dark side that’s coloring their view. And you can’t take the dark side away. It’s there for each one of us.

As 40 comes closer…I want to know. Do you listen, really listen? Or advise. Or diagnose. Or dismiss. Or avoid. Or cut off. Do you check in again? What kind of friend are you? Are there some non-negotiables in which you WILL not support your friend…where you will say, “this goes against my principles, so I really don’t want to be involved in this conversation about your choices.”

Filed under: Me, Opinion | 12 Comments »

Claiming my space

Posted on January 4, 2014 by starsinmeyes

Sometimes there are these little things I do that raise my self-confidence in a BIG way. I’d blogged about this earlier…and it’s a continuing focus for me.

  • When I’m walking, I often do not make way for people, especially if it’s men coming head on at me. This is because I’ve noticed that men almost never make way for women. In an instinct to protect ourselves, and to accommodate and adjust like we’re programmed to do, women tend to step or swerve out of the way. I’ve almost stopped that and it feels very empowering. I just keep walking straight. Sometimes the men get out of my way, and I can’t tell you how normal that feels. Mostly they don’t. At that point, I just stop and look pleasant, sometimes say ‘Excuse me’, but mostly ignore them and refuse to meet eyes. This might seem confrontational or aggressive, but it really helps me feel like I’m occupying my space.
  • Another thing I’ve stopped doing while driving is swerving to avoid people coming at me against the one-way of my side of the road. This is incredibly common in Bangalore. To save petrol, escape signals and find convenient U-turns and turns, two-wheelers, autorickshaws, and even bigger vehicles blatantly go against the one way, and it’s infuriating. It’s also terribly dangerous. Why on earth should I swerve out of my straight path and risk getting hit by vehicles behind me? Last weekend, 12 two-wheelers and 3 autos came at me successively over a 10 km drive. I made the mistake of making eye contact with the first couple, when I stopped right in front of them and waved them to swerve instead of me, into the incoming traffic. I decided that was too confrontational, and for the next culprits, just stopped and looked calmly out my side window, while they decided to swerve around me and harass the entire traffic behind me to save their precious petrol. I feel great, because if I’m following the traffic rules, I don’t see why I should accommodate drivers who don’t, especially if I have to risk my car and my safety for it.
  • Even at our office tea stall, now I clearly say ‘Excuse me’ and stand my ground in the middle of the mostly male crowd, because I find most men to be very ill-mannered thrusting themselves in front, and women hanging back because they don’t want to inadvertently get touched, and besides, we women are taught in a hundred different ways to give way, adjust, make space for others, compromise.

All these little ‘un-learnings’ really really help me. What do you think?

Just watch yourself the next time in these similar situations, on the footpath, driving on the road, walking down a corridor or up the stairs, jostling in a crowded space…do you agree that women usually give way? It feels symbolic to me. When I stop giving way ‘physically’, I stop giving way in my other interactions too.

Yes, I agree with ‘Lean In’…loving Sheryl Sandberg’s writing and agreeing with every word.

 

Filed under: Me, Opinion | Tagged: , | 13 Comments »

Smooth heels

Posted on December 7, 2013 by starsinmeyes

Yes, a rather startling observation when I went for a pedicure last week. The beautician remakred that my heels hardl had any rough skin. I realized with a start that up to a couple of years ago, they were cracked and I used to dig in, peeling it off. I don’t remember the last time I did that. How do hard, rough, cracked heels get smooth and soft all by themselves? I don’t take care, I don’t apply cream, I wear high heels, I do pedicures once in six months. So how does something like this get reversed.

It got me thinking. I havent been sick for a long time. It’s been more than a year since I got a cold. I haven’t had wheezing for several years. None of those rashes, allergies or throat infections. People say I look younger. I lost so much weight two years ago, that just melted off without my really doing anything about it. Can that really happen?

Only one thing hasn’t reversed…I wish it would. But it doesn’t matter anymore. People hardly notice my one (very big) flaw that I used to think makes me look like a freak. I thought I was repulsive. Suddenly, people tell me I’m attractive. It’s from inside. The healing. Happy people are attractive. People true to their natures are gorgeous.

I kind of see it in some of my women friends too. They’re getting older, but many hit this stage when they start letting go of crap, standing up for themslves, establishing boundaries. Suddenly they look younger, slim down, look sexier, and ooze self-confidence that you can spot a mile away. Wow, simply wow!

I think a good deal of sickness is really emotional. When one is happy, not making compromises against one’s nature and desires, when one has emotionally healed more and more…the body does heal itself.

I undergo so much stress at work, still I haven’t gotten sick. It’s really weird. So is it positive stress, or something? Stress that makes me grow in the right direction? These days, some of the weight has come back…it seems to be coinciding with me getting a little complacent and content, in the wrong way. Eating to drown the feelings.

What do you think? I do believe it. I looked up Louise Hay who believes that all disease is dis-ease and our bodies express our innermost turmoil in their symptoms. Corns are supposed to represent hardened areas of though–stubbornly holding onto the pain of the past. When you move forward and free yourself from the past, you feel safe and free. Skin problems are representative of a loss of individuality and our sense of self. Foot problems represent an inability to move forward. Very, very interesting.

Filed under: Me | Tagged: , , , , | 14 Comments »

When opportunity knocked…

Posted on November 23, 2013 by starsinmeyes

…I said “No”. Luckily opportunity hung around waiting…for me to realize I’d better grab it. Looking back, I’m so glad I jumped at it.

In June, I got a decent hike, and also became eligible for promotion. So, as low as I think of myself, and as incapable and non-valuable as I consider myself to be, I was most startled when 5 minutes after the information about the hike reached me (minutes, mind you, I was expecting this to happen in months), I was told to apply for promotion. My first thought? “No way, not now, I’m so not ready.”

It came at a very difficult time personally. We had finally caved and put our son into an after-school remediation program to help him for his impulsivity and restlessness, which were having far-reaching ramifications. This involved me leaving office everyday at 2.30pm, bang in the middle of my workday to go pick up the son and drive him to the therapy center, work in the car while waiting for him, then drive him to the daycare when my daughter was, wait and work again from the car while they finished their dinner there, and then drive them back. And catch up with work in the nights. To make matters nightmarish, the transport we’d been using for my kids to reach the daycare suddenly fell through. So I had to also ferry my poor daughter around. And work through all this. I missed the fun and atmosphere in office. I missed meeting my clients terribly.

At this opportune time, opportunity knocked. Right. Timing.

I said “No”. Because I could barely manage this rigmarole, I was pretty sure I could not take on anything additional, which would surely come with a promotion. If I even got it. Why put myself through that humiliation, and failure?

But the hiring manager stopped by and asked me why. I was about to blurt out my problems, but stopped myself. Told him, that I might want 3 more months to apply. He seemed understanding. Then I said I would reconsider it. Realized belatedly that I’d myself hesitatingly asked for a promotion back in April. Had apologetically requested one. So, I spoke with some supportive friends, who told me that women generally tend to make sure everything is okay on the home front, and then take a risk or an opportunity at work. Men just jump first and then figure everything out.

So I applied. And got it. Got another hike. And then another one 2 months later. I was told by envious co-workers who have been in the company through tougher times, how lucky I was. Thanked a senior manager, who told me I wasn’t lucky, but deserving. Hmmmm.

Then everything got very tough. Budget cuts. Teams being slashed. Business went down a significant amount.

And I’m so glad I applied. Because, if I had waited 3 more months, it wouldn’t have happened.

Phew. Taught me a lesson, that I’m still absorbing. Just stop waiting for everything to be perfect.

The transport issue got resolved after 20 days of struggle in June. I continued ferrying the son every single day in the afternoons and was exhausted working out of the car in the heat and madness of the roads, with parking hassles and connectivity issues. The husband pitched in where possible. I couldn’t take client calls, and had to keep them all to mornings. I could not travel to meet clients, and had to manage with calls. But my boss was pretty unbothered, “As long as you keep up with work and stay connected, it doesn’t matter where you’re working from.”

By July end, the son had improved enough, to bring down the classes to thrice a week. By September end, he was down to one class a week, and one on the weekend. It’s such a pleasure to be able to stay in office all day.

But, I did break down at work, in August. It got to me, the strain, the expectations at the new level, my daugher struggling with her studies because of how stressed out I was and my neglect of her. Established some work-life boundaries, that improved matters.

But am struggling with it again. I think it’s hard, very hard. I don’t get too affected by stuff at work anymore, but when it impacts my kids…it’s hard. 😦

Filed under: Work | 5 Comments »

Information hoarder – is that normal?

Posted on November 9, 2013 by starsinmeyes

When I was a preteen, my dad once advised me to be interested in my friends’ families, because I was unable to answer him when he asked me how many siblings some of them had, or where their dad/mom worked, where they lived etc. He taught me slowly, I think, how to chit-chat and talk to people. Maybe he recognised that my shyness and introverted tendencies needed to be tackled for a minimum level of socialization.

I’m remembering this because a colleague at work, who is very sharp and accurate in analyzing people, told me I’m an information-hoarder. And that this is a crucial skill that helps me as a writer.

When I joined my current job, I had this marvelous manager, who told us in a meeting, that as leads, we should know everything going on in our reportees’ lives, even their pets’ names. He told us to take them for breaks and tea and said it was really important to connect with them personally. I loved this advice. Because I am like that!

I’ve worked since with managers from the other extreme. Who were so distant and disinterested that I would get frustrated. I worked closely with a client for 3 months, and was amazed that he never picked up a single cue from any conversations with me, about my personal set-up, even though I often brought up a mention of my kids. (Notice the plural.) I know there are people who are very wary of asking potentially offensive questions about people’s personal lives, but surely when I myself bring it up, do they not get the message it’s okay to proceed a bit in that conversation? Because at a farewell dinner with the whole team, he asked me how old my child was. Child. I was startled and said, “I have two children.” He seemed most disinterested, and I’m not sure he even registered this fact. Because a few months later, I drove past him on the road, and my two kids were in the back seat. He told me, “I saw your child.” *bangs head on wall*

 So, back to what my analytical colleague told me. Apparently I collect information about people and organizations automatically, store it away and connect lots of dots that help me ideate and think of bigger pictures.

1. I never realized that about myself.

2. After I realized that about myself, I also that not everyone is an information horder. This was a light bulb moment. 🙂

And that my getting offended when someone doesn’t remember ‘important’ facts about me, is actually wrong, because people notice and remember different things about others. I hoard personal information. In my current line of work, I do a lot of people stories and interviews, and I see some people taken aback when I remember facts they’ve mentioned long ago in an interview, and quote it in some conversation we’re having.

I notice birthdays, becuase I have this cheesy habit of slotting people according to their star signs. It’s fun…and I don’t think it’s as potentially offensive as slotting people according to their religion or community or gender. So when I remember birthdays and reach out to wish people, some get a bit taken aback.Then I wonder if I look like a stalker or an obsessed person.

But no. Actually, I just find most people extremely fascinating. I just do. It’s quite interesting to think it actually helps me do better in my work!

Thinking about it, I realized that there arealso some things I do not notice about people. It’s just not on my radar. And maybe I, in turn, look odd for not recording these facts.

I n.e.v.e.r notice jewellery. Ever. I go to weddings and other ceremonies and come back to questions from gossipy ladies, “How much gold was the bride wearing?”, and I realize I never looked at her jewellery. I was more interested in what she spoke or the expressions on her face, her interactions and the unspoken messages in her body language, (or let’s admit some superficiality here….her figure!).

I was waving my hand around (my normal exaggerated way of speaking :P) the other day, while talking with a colleague, and she pounced on my hand and wanted to check my tiny ring. I…wouldn’t have noticed if she was wearing a rock on each finger. After she had finshed examining it, it still did not occur to me to look at her rings – and she’s a newly married woman.

Just an interesting fact I’ve discoverd about myself. Of course, I also think that, it’s when I find a person interesting that I hoard information about them. There are certain mind-numbingly boring people whom I keep forgetting basic facts about, like where they live or where their last job was, and find myself ashamed when they tell me they already told me that.

Do you remember stuff about people? Tell me please, because I do wonder if I have ‘stalker’ tendencies! 😉

Filed under: Me, Work | 14 Comments »

A shy extrovert?

Posted on November 2, 2013 by starsinmeyes

I’ve realized that I’ve wrongly classified myself as an introvert all my life.

Or maybe I’ve just found my gregaroius side, and how to get over my extreme, inherent shyness.

Once I get over it, I get energized by people, and that…is the characteristic of an extrovert. People energize you. If they drain you, you’re an introvert. I always thought that since I am very comfortable being by myself, and alone, and totally comfortable going for a movie or a lunch by myself, that I must be introverted. Na-uh.

Since the last 18 months, I’ve realized more and more, how much my life-energy was sapped by working from home for the 4 years prior to that. I come alive when I’m feeling confident and among people. Being in office just adds a zing to my step and a glow to my face. How many years have I been confined to thehome…it makes me tend to get a bit hyper at work, and I watch myself there…coz I probably come across as too enthusiastic compared to most people and their jaded looks!

My role requires me to go interact in person at client offices, and events and workshops….and at first my intimidation and severe under-confidence made me freeze up and shrink back. Also known as paralyzing shyness.

But once I got my confidence back (or not back…it’s more like I never knew I had it in the first place)…I amaze myself by actively seeking out prviously intimidating situtations and being able to laugh at myself, my confusion and nervousness..and somehow people warm to that! They openly express appreciation that I take the trouble to march up to them and introduce myself, where a mail or call would’ve worked equally well. It makes it difficult for them to dismiss or ignore me, as is usual in my line of work (business/technical/content writer=pest). And I feel like one of the gang when I do that, instead of hanging back and believing I don’t belong.

I had a choice on Friday whether to go meet a new person in a client team or not. I didn’t really have to, I hardly have any work with him, and mails and pings work fine. I had to walk across the office campus to another tower where his workstation is, and it seemed pointless. Then I thought, “What the heck….this is my new USP…personal interactions…doesn’t matter what others think, if I feel this is the best way to establish a working relationship, it’s the way I’m going to do things.” I then had to get over my other usual fear – getting lost. I actually enjoyed it, and was grinning so much, that a staff member who’d pointed me in the right direction, then ‘found’ me very much in the wrong direction, exasperatedly rescuing me, and depositing me outside an intimidating ‘Restricted’ bay door. He offered to buzz me in, but I lost my nerve at that point and pretended to call the guy I had to meet, mumbling that I’d manage. I did NOT want to enter that scary bay, and have the whole bunch of people turn around and look at me. I was just about to flee, when the door opened and the person himself was standing there, “Hello, are you Starry?”. He ushered the most alarmed me in, and then promptly introduced me loudly and cheerfully to 20 people, all of whom looked at lost-n-found me amused.

I was shocked to find myself grinning back most charmingly, and ended up having a most interesting chat…and he was very appreciative that I’d taken the trouble to trot over.

I like the new me, I really do.

Of course, then I spent the next day wondering if I come across as too forward. Too friendly. A flirt? Eeeps.

I dunno. I just feel ALIVE with people. Does it matter what they opine? Or is it more important how I feel…and the energy it gives me to do my work at top performance? I feel like…I’m bleddy 38…enough of putting limits on myself according to others’ definitions.

Today, I decided to stop re-hashing and analysing everything I do and say.

And explore a bit…this shy extrovert thing. What do you think about it?

Filed under: Me, Work | Tagged: , | 27 Comments »

Hello…anyone there?

Posted on October 26, 2013 by starsinmeyes

I’m baaaack…and here’s a quick update. The reason I don’t blog is because I have too much to say, and I want to say it perfectly. Gotta stop that!

1. Completed 18 months at work
2. Son just celebrated his 8th birthday!
3. Got 3 raises and a promotion at work and still I don’t believe I’m good enough. Impostor Syndrome…just can’t seem to shake it off 😦
4. Daughter is hurtling towards 12 in 2 more months. Eeeps.
5. Just did a whirlwind tour of Rajasthan, Delhi, Agra….best break ever and longest one from work…so detoxifying…now am back struggling with a lot of questions and decisions that came up during the vacay.

How have YOU been?

And thanks to Makk for checking in on me! 🙂

Filed under: General, Me, travel, Work | 20 Comments »

Blinding fear

Posted on May 2, 2013 by starsinmeyes

ETA: This is my 300th post! 😀

is what I felt when I realised I had to go work, for the first time in my life, in a full-time, desk, corporate, rat-race job, in an MNC, with bunches of savvy, brash youngsters. I was terrified out of my mind, and all I wanted was to run very very very far away, and hide behid domesticity, parenthood and’ feminine inferiority and incapability’.

But I had no choice…hubby was out of a job, kids were full time in school, my entire mind and heart had shifted, someone had said something seemignly trivial, and I knew that I was just going to do this, the fear be damned. If I had to make a fool of myself, to get this freedom I’d been moving towards since over a decade…so be it.

So I went. Looking back, I see how vulnerable and scared I must’ve looked. I was easily intimidated. I thought I had no right to ask for help, or to ask for something to be explained again. Admin stuff has always been my pitfall, and the new job was no exception. Everything was new. From working in a huge floor full of people in cubicles, on calls on headphones and phones. People dressed very formally and walking and sitting looking soooooo competent. I was a hopelessly quivering mass of no-confidence. I felt out of place from day one.

But somehow I made it through. The first few months had their very exhilerating moments. Just driving/walking into the office campus everyday remained a ego-booster every single day for more than 8 months, now it’s faded a bit. Being able to dress up felt so great. I had been most terrified of failing on the job itself. But I managed that pretty well too.

Another thing I had a huge problem with, was having friends to go with for tea breaks and lunch breaks. I was rather unlucky here. Usually people join up in groups, and tend to find their first friends in these groups. Plus they have orientations together, which is a nice bonding experience. I was loaned from one department to another since my first day for the first two months. So I was an outsider there, and an outsider in my own department. When I joined, I joined alone, and lunch groups had already formed. I refuse to ever impose my company on unwelcoming people. So there were several lonelylunch days. When I came back to work in my actual department, I was already ‘old’, so wasn’t introduced. My department did not have any detailed orientation process. People in my department aren’t too friendly, but slowly, patiently, I’ve found nice folks, genuine types who I like to hang out with and vice versa. Still, I took longer than the average new employee I saw around me, to make real friends. Whether that is because I have different standards, or because I fit into a different demographic than most of my colleagues, I don’t know. I do believe I am an over-friendly person wanting to be at least on nodding-hello terms with most people, but that is unreasonable for most folks, I guess.

It’s also been hard to be the only writer in my whole department. That means I’m specialized, and have been quite vulnerable all along to people who put me down with “Writing is not a career.” “You should do more than ‘just’ writing.” The problem is, no one needs to learn anything from me, so most people ignore me. If I had a skill that they could learn from me, they’d be lining up….but that’s then only about work. I also work quite independently, not needing support from anyone. Which again has made it tough to connect with people.

I’ve relaxed a lot now. I used to be extremely conscious. Extremely self-deprecating, and self-critical too. And very insecure, which has made me vulnerable to workplace bullies. I also have people pleaser tendencies. All that has settled down a good deal. Today, somehow I was extremely detached. I have reached this place of peace, that may or may not last. But I looked around at certain people who have let me down, made fun of me, insulted me, taken advantage of my fear and intimidation to bring me down. And I don’t care at all. But I have noted who these people are. Many are just too limited in their thinking, in their behaviour, and their attitude to people significantly different from them.

I have been insulted with comments like “I think you put your brains on the school bus with your kids in the morning, and come to office dumb.” This was said to me by a brash 22 year old teammate. Who also actively practises reverse racism by constantly commenting and name-calling on my fair skin. Another female teammate invited a male teammate to comment on my legs when I wore a skirt. I have a boss who is a fear-monger and trivialiser. Fortunately, I have a fabulous client and totally LOVE my role.

Just some thoughts I wanted to pen down, on a day when performance reviews are going on, and I should be tensed up. But I somehow am curiously relaxed, and it’s helping. To put up with crap and crappy people. It’s okay. I know my worth, my skills and abilities, and also my limitations because of my family…and gulp …my gender. I know that I try as best as I can. That I am brilliant in many areas, whether or not it’s recognised. That I have wisdom, age, calmness and stability on my side. That I actually do have it all…almost all, at the moment.

So I’m thankful.

Oh, and the guilt, I was talking about in the last post, that Sangi hauled me over the friendly coals for. One of my best colleague-friends helped me figure out, it’s actually dissatisfaction. Something I can deal with, by slowly getting things done. Pending work, home repairs, paperwork, healthcare, kids stuff….it’s all a never ending potential guilt-tripping list…I’ve distanced myself from the worrying now, by trying to take one little concrete step everyday closer towards closing about 40 different pending things. I’ll get there, slowly, but steadily.

Life is good!

Filed under: Me, Work | Tagged: , | 17 Comments »

Empty nest preview

Posted on April 14, 2013 by starsinmeyes

Sigh. It’s been 2 weeks already since I packed off the brats to my mom’s place. They’ll be there another 4 weeks. I had  a lot of plans for work we just.can’t.get.done when they’re here, and we are making some headway, but it’s painfully slow. I HATE paperwork, banks and admin work. Since the maid and cook are also taking lots of leave, we’re curiously free…sometimes I feel they harass more than they help, it’s a relief to not have the doorbell ringing at 6.30 am every friggin’ morning. I keep thinking we’ll visit friends or invite them over and then…I realise ALL our friends are married with kids…and I feel odd! We tried to plan a small getaway, but keep getting haunted by the thought that the kids would enjoy the spot too…altho the reality is that we spend so much time nagging them on holidays! It’s only when we see the pics later that we realise how much fun we had 😛

So far, husband and I have had:

  1. Dinner date
  2. Lunch dates
  3. Breakfast dates
  4. Pub/club dates
  5. Movie dates
  6. Theatre dates

I keep thinking of all the things I could do with the kids, fantasize that I could’ve kept them at home and worked from home at least some of the time…but I know these are pipe dreams. All it would result in, is frustration all round.

In Mangalore, the kids are:

  1. Eating…lots of yummy food, including fish
  2. Hoodwinking grandma into buying them stuff that their mean parents don’t
  3. Going for exciting outings around Mangalore
  4. Attending Toastmasters meetings and other stuff my parents are part of
  5. Getting tutored by my parents in Math, Kannada, Hindi, English and French
  6. Practising their tabla and dance everyday
  7. Doing some learning on the computer everyday
  8. Doing housework and gardening and cooking almost everyday
  9. Getting lots of talks and lectures and discussions everyday on behavious, health, food, studies and on and on

They’re happy there and thriving, but they do miss their rooms, their neighbour friends and classmate friends, their toys and books, and surprisingly, US!! I thought they only think of me as nagging, scolding mom, but everyday I get a call from both of them. Frankly, they sound much cuter and adorable on the phone than in front of myface, where the responsibility of parenting them just overwhelms any enjoyment I might unwittingly enjoy in their cuteness!

I did not miss the kids much during the vacations last year, but then we were both settling into the new home and new jobs. Now, I’m feeling it very sharply. Could it be that the kids give me and my life…gasp…a sense of purpose?!

Filed under: family, Parenthood | Tagged: | 17 Comments »

One year done at work

Posted on April 7, 2013 by starsinmeyes

In many ways, I continue to struggle with many things:

  1. My age and my level: I continue to chafe at the bit. I’m way older than most of my peers. I don’t let this get in the way of freely interacting with them, but often I tire, of I don’t know what. A person in their early thirties, a single person or a parent of a very young child…I’ve been there and done that, and I’m far far ahead in life. And I get exhausted often being a part of a peer group that is younger, freer and less ‘tied-down’ than me.
    I get along far better with older men and women…but then the difference in seniority gets in the way, and it hurts big-time. It hurts that I’ve lost between 6-8 years of work experience through my compromises for the family…I’m going to take a loooong time to let that go. Grief and fury still boil up over it.
    I’m tired also of often swallowing my anger when I am pushed away, or dismissed or seen through because of my level, when I know that I am as smart as the senior person putting me down. Still, I know that I am professionally fit for the level I’m placed at. There are several skills and work experience I don’t have and will have to add to get ahead.
  2. The guilt: I’m thriving being away from my kids. Monday mornings are the happiest time of the week for me! But the guilt is killing. Feel like it will drown me sometimes. I think I should be home, with a hot meal for them to come home (though I know I would hate it, and the meal wouldn’t be hot, but something instant coz I’d be depressed). I feel bad pushing my kids constantly to be independent, to stop expecting me to nag and remind and goad them into being responsible for themselves, because I know I will burn out serving everyone else and neglecting myself, when time and energy are so scarce.
  3. The complete lack of a break: I go straight from one full-time (paid and pretty rewarding) job to another. My weekends are so exhausting, Mondays are like bliss. I come home exhausted in the evenings, just wanting to sit and eat and drink and read/watch something or go for a long walk, but have to spend 2 hrs nagging the kids to study, study with them, and get all their stuff done. I know I’m lucky in many ways. I don’t cook at all now, and most of my housework is outsourced, so I actually have very little to do except for parenting…but that is mindlessly exhausting in itself. A couple of times I have taken a day off just for myself, to catch up on my never-ending admin/bank/tax work, and then to have a couple date, or catch a movie or some retail therapy….but the relief is so short-term.
  4. The constant feeling that having a stay-at-home parent is best for the kids: And that I’m utterly selfish to do this. The classes that the kids can’t attend because of my work schedule. (On the other hand, it’s not that they could easily attend those classes if I SAHMed, class routines clash, and they’re all bleddy costly). The useless feeling I have (and have had even when I was working from home) that there’s nothing like a devoted mom, who knows her kids’ studies, hobbies, lives and health inside out, from moment to moment, detail to detail, nothing like a stay-at-home wife to keep a spotless home, rock the festivals and special days, entertain even though I  never aced any of these when I was a SAHM.
  5. Being called superwoman: I am NOT superwoman. More on this in a following post.

I’m very antsy though, and that is not a feeling I anticipated having. The last 3 weeks I have been in a terrible mental chaos…and trying to sort it out…which is when I cannot write clearly. The overwhelming feeling is “Now what?”, “What have I gained?” “Am I in the right place?” “How do I get ahead?” “Am I really good enough?” “Why do I still feel so raw, naive and unskilled, even after a whole year?”

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