The Edible Afro – Its like cotton candy only greasy

No idea why it bothers the ever loving shit out of me but lacross (or is it field hockey) is not a fucking sport.  Have you seen these rich, east coast ‘bros’ running around a football field?  The very little I’ve seen reveals nothing difficult or athletic surrounding this sport.  The ‘players’ are not allowed to use those long ass sticks as weapons, all they have to do is get in front of a player and there you have the defense.  Occasionally a bro gets ambitious, flings the little ball toward the goal without any sort of aim and scores a goal…fuck that noise.  Why do they wear shoulder pads if they aren’t allowed to check the shit out of Garrett?  Shoulder pads and shorts is what you wear to a gang bang in the WWE, its not a uniform for sports.

Lacrosse is what white, rich, skinny, short, unathletic, east coast assholes play when they don’t want to get hurt playing hockey.  Hockey has a similar structure in the basic sense, but you have to skate and actually knock the fuck out of someone to play defense.  In lacrosse, any sort of balls out contact gets you in trouble with Darren (the senator’s son and team captain).

Here are some ideas to improve lacrosse:

• Make the ball the hardest fucking marble on earth.  That would send the speeds into the 100’s while causing some major damage to the goal keeper, win/win.
• Every goal should be followed by a 45 second rumble festival.  If the defensive team can get to the goal scorer and punch him in his vagina, then the goal is removed.
• Enclose the field and shorten it.  I don’t want to see Taylor twirling his stick for 100 yards while he lazily jogs down the field.  Soccer becomes slightly, only slightly, enjoyable when you take it indoors b/c its faster and a shit ton more dangerous.  Take notes lacrosse.
• Import some black dudes.  One day they will create a lacrosse team full of black dudes from the hood.  They will dominate like Sarah Palin in a window licking competition.  Bonus points for Terrell t-bagging Brady at midfield after a goal.

It’s time to admit that I’m old..errr older then I think.  When you get to a point that you view all of the trendy clothes and music as complete horse shit, then you are old.

Music:  As I drove home yesterday, I heard a song by the Black Eyed Peas that was a remake of “time of my life” (the dirty dancing song).  It was the biggest blood soaked tampon of a song I’ve ever heard.  Practically everything that “music group” does is terrible.  I wouldn’t even call them a music group; they don’t play instruments, they remake old songs.  Damn near all of the other popular music sucks equally as bad. 

Lady Gaga – Holy hell she is ugly

Miley Cyrus – She looks like a horse trying to sing

Justin Bieber – I got a $50 spot that says he takes it in the ass

Clothes:  I think I was about 13 years old when I saw some dude with his pants falling off his ass as he walked and made the comment “I wonder if one day tight, short pants will be the style?”  Sure as shit, we have entered the future.  Nothing against guys who skateboard, but why did they seem to start this nut tight pants trend?  Seems they would want something more roomy.  Does this imply that skateboarders have small dicks? Hmmm.  As far as tight shirts go, fuck you Under Armor.  In the past three years, the ‘in’ things is to go to a gym wearing a skin tight shirt, do maybe four bicep curls with as much weight as you can and then spend the next 30 mins talking on your cell phone and posing in the mirror.  Tight clothes are ridiculous, specifically on dudes.  Women, feel free to go as tight and see thru as possible..I encourage it actually.

Relocating for a job/career SUCKS.  That is all.

Returning to the Edible Afro has been therapeutic, particularly for my growing hatred of bitch tits (see previous post).  In summary, bitch tits and I share a wall between our cubes.  I could list about fifty words describing him, but “bitch tits” really captures them all.  His ongoing fight with his wife is a bit humorous and just today he was telling someone on the phone his bank account number.  Therefore if you a shake weight, let a brother know and we can thank bitch tits for the present.

Today’s post doesn’t explicitly blame bitch tits, but I was reminded by him.  I despise people who are sick with the fucking flu or any other nasty disease yet choose to come to work.  Bitch tits has been coughing up a lung while blowing his nose all day.  Every time I hear it I let out a louder sigh then before.  Without a doubt, he is too dumb to understand.  I’ve been known in the past to show my frustration by slamming an office door or simply telling someone to shut up…bitch tits is this close to getting a “take your sick ass home to your trailer.”  Another post for another time, but he needs to go to the doctor and realizing that some guy will have to examine his kind is reason enough to never become a medical doctor.  The flu is that Christmas treat that really spices up the holidays.  As if Christmas wasn’t already stressful enough, add to that the near quarantine you have to set up for your kids.  Idiots like bitch tits who go to work and parents who take their kids to school when they are sick deserve our rage. 

This is my holiday promise, if I get sick and a bell rings then bitch tits will have lost sight in one eye from my epic upper cut.  Happy Holidays to all.

Holy sheep balls it’s been many moons since I’ve last posted.  Perhaps over that period I became a softer, more relaxed person…LIKE HELL I HAVE.  Since our last conversation, I have changed jobs and work part time in a cube farm.  Many of you will say I’m spoiled for the following rant, but guess what, I don’t give a pair of transvestite tits what you think. 

I despise being in a cube where others around can hear every word I say and I can hear ever word they say.  Not only that, but I can hear them eating, I can hear them bitching to their moms, I can even hear them scratch their balls.  Recently my afternoon was filled by the dude with man tits on the other side of the wall being told by his mom and wife that he is a bitch.  As a nosey prick, I gave work a big FUCK YOU and dove right into his conversation (this was possible b/c his phone was so loud that could hear both sides of the conversation).  A little bit of background on bitch tits is that he is one of those guys who thinks he is funny and smart and awesome when he is really comparable to the shit I left last weekend.  He is overweight, terrible sense of humor and that stank of rotten mac and cheese is most certainly his week old thong.  On to the conversation where his mom was telling him that his kids are terrible and that he doesn’t know how to raise them.  In my house, that would qualify as an over the phone bitch slap but bitch tits just gave a few “OKs”.  He then recounted to his wife and exaggerated how he told off his mom.  I then hear his wife (whom surely has a large, veiny cock in her pants) how much she hates his mom and him for not tearing her down.  That was bitch tits.

On to David Spade.  I share another wall with David Spade who thinks his dry sense of humor is being picked up for a sitcom and his one liners are sparkling.  His go to line is “so your telling me…” and this is to give his small mind a few extra seconds to think of a witty comeback.  These comebacks are terrible to say the least.  A recent back and forth with bitch tits went like this “so your telling me that you got stopped speeding and told the cop to go eat a donut?  You could have told the cop that you were an OSU fan running from OU.”  This type of commentary adds to my hatred of him, he knows everything about sports.  He knows why OU won, who they can beat, why OSU isn’t any good and a fucking grab bag of additional horse shit.  On numerous occassions I overhear “WE beat….”  I’m beating a dead horse with this one, but YOU didn’t beat shit.  YOU were on your ass watching the game.  YOU would break your dick the second you stepped onto the field.  YOU can fuck yourself.   

If I dont like someone, I ignore them.  I avoid them.  I dont ask what they thought about the game, taxes or their fucking taint status.  Sadly, none of this can be avoided in a cube farm.  Within a cube, I get to hear everything you talk about with everyone you talk to.  I am not a ninja.  I can’t block you out or shut you down.  Your fucking voice annoys the shit out of me and everything you talk about sounds absolutely stupid.  Call me spoiled, but I am not going to accept another job that is located in a cube.  It would be in the best interest of the company and my fucking sanity to hook a homie up with an office that has a door which can be shut loudly and violently when I am sick of hearing fuckers in cubes.

One or perhaps two of these qualities may not prove fatal, but if you are included in multiple points then you, my NON friend, are a fag. 

• If you take a picture of yourself with a camera phone through the reflection of a bathroom mirror.
• If you wear shirts that are tight.  Lots of guys think they can pull it off when NONE can.  Tight shirts are for Hooters waitresses, not after you spend 10 mins in the gym once a week.
• If you TWEET or change your FACEBOOK status constantly.  FUCK YOU and whatever you are doing that no one with a life gives a shit about.
• If you are a dude and you use a tanning bed. 
• If you use a blue tooth headset.  Son of a doggy dick, hold the phone to your fucking ear Captain Kirk.
• If you wear a hat that is either too big or has a straight bill.
• If you think people on message boards are anything more then a set of window licking dick farmers.
• If you spread rumors like a 15 yr old girl, but become a raging pussy when someone confronts you.
• If you dont like my blog.
• If you go to celebrity websites like TMZ and give a flying fuck what they do day to day.
• If you use the words “hero”, “miracle” or “role model” when you discuss sports.  Athletes, 99 out of 100, are rich idiots that are dumber then my six year old.
• If you go to a sporting event and participate in the wave.
• If you wear gear and support a school that you didn’t attend or have no relation with aside from you think their football team is good.

I don’t have many television shows that I watch religiously.  Perhaps, two nights a week I want to come home, take off my pants, release a Greek Tragedy type shit, eat something greasy and watch my shows.  Its a simple formula for a long and fulfilling life.  Now when my nights are interrupted endlessly by a meteorologist telling me its going to rain or that I shouldn’t be outside flying a kite, then my urge to kill overcomes my simple existence.

I’ve always lived in “tornado alley” but guess what…I’ve never seen a fucking tornado.  Yet, we have guys on TV that want to power up the DOPPLER 26, follow a storm and blow a goat as they have a massive orgasm for all of us to see.  The worst part is that I have to hear every five minutes during my show that there is a CHANCE of a tornado in bum fucking egypt.  Naturally, one minute after my show is complete then all is well with the world and mother nature apparently took her Vicodin and went to bed. 

These pole-sitting meteorologist will show shitty camera footage of rain IN THE DARK for no reason whatsoever.  Then they will talk to someone on the phone, but the person on the phone is out in the typhoon and you can’t make out a fucking word they say.  Enthralling shit!  The next data they review on TV is where the lightning has occurred….let me write that again, HAS occurred.  For the love of grundles, please make one of those little dots be lightning that hit the guy’s dog.  Hey meteorol-fuck, how about you now color your county with red and put a “FRIED DOG WARNING”.  Leave me and my shows alone.  You can’t change the weather, so give me my shows back so I can get lifted by a tornado while I enjoy my shows.

When I was a teenager, my friend and I got beepers for Christmas.  We were gay enough to page each other just to seem important.  It was crazy how much pussy it did NOT help us get.  Then a few years later came cell phones.  Monkey fucker!  It was cool to show off that big ass phone that you couldn’t fit in a back pack.  An additional bonus was that you could only talk on it after 9 at night. 

Well as we all know, cell phones got smaller and everyone got one.  So now we can all be reached and tracked down 24-7, anywhere in the world.  I suppose thats pretty cool, but along with cell phones came some annoying  gadgets and habits.  Let review some of them:

• Bluetooth – Even Captain Kirk would tell you that it looks gay and we all know he butt fucked Spock…in other words, the man knows gayness.  Also, why do you wear the thing if you are not on the phone?  When I’m not listening to my Ipod then I take my headphones out, simple action/reaction.  If you are done torturing people by calling them for no reason other then to be seen with your bluetooth, then take the fucker out of your ear and shove up your ass.
• Ringtones – This has as much to do with the actual song as it does the etiquette.  Proper etiquette means a few things, such as I don’t want to be sitting in a restaurant or the airport and listen to you go thru every ring tone you have.  Also, turn down you damn ringtone when you are at work, a funeral, or even at a dissertation on gravities new imbalance with the quantam hydraulics in spherical quadrants.  Now your selection of songs simply suck.  If your ringtone is a country song, a rap song or an annoying jingle then I bestow onto you an anal fissure. 
• Texting – You bought a $200 phone, but you’d rather use it as a typewriter then a talking device?  There are times where a text makes sense; meetings, taking a shit or in the middle of delivering a baby.  Otherwise, call the person and talk.  Here is a hint, its much safer to call someone while driving then texting them.  And the text grammar?!?!  What the fuck?  My phone doesn’t have a World War 2 decoder so I can figure out what time fucking dinner is. 

Additional annoyances include:  wearing your cell phone on a clip or attached to your belt and leaving meetings to take a useless phone call.

It’s time to use this blog to be more educational then combative. Guys, trust me. Ladies, agree with me.

If you are afraid of sex toys, then you need to sit on a flag pole and let it loosen your asshole. Sex toys are awesome! Guys, believe it or not, you only have so much you can offer a woman. Ya, go ahead and act like your woman has all she needs. Well I’m here to tell you otherwise. A few objects that vibrate or do multiple things at once can take your ‘satisfied’ woman to a cumming wildcat.

First and most important, buy a rabbit! A rabbit can give attention to the areas that most guys forget about…the clitoris. The clit? The clit! Oh the clit. In a nutshell, a rabbit is a vibrator with a clit stimulator so a rabbit hits both buttons at once. A rabbit is what you get when you cross a tornado with an earthquake or mixing Godzilla with Old Yellar AFTER he got rabbis. Its a fucking experience, literally.

Don’t feel threatened either, thats a turn off for the female. Let her find her groove. Help her, watch her, its all bling. Besides, she knows how to hit the spot better then you.

The next toy that I would like to endorse would be the flavored oils/lotions. This endorsement is more from a friend then myself, but I am a believer with the little I know. Lots of guys seem to be allergic to giving oral satisfaction beyond saying “Eifel Fucking Tower” when they blow their load. Therefore, its time to get some strawberry whip cream, smother it on the goods and allow her to enjoy it. This toy, or condiment as it where, really becomes a starter drug for oral sex. You will both enjoy.

A few additional sex toys that I’ve been told are worth the money include:

Anal beads – Right before she dominoes, if you remove the beads then you may be peeling her off the roof

Cock Ring – Its a cheap imitation of a “REAL” rabbit. Unless you can vibrate your cock at 40 Hz, then you will continue to climb the mountain but its still an option of goodness.

Now ladies, this is a very simple task for you. So far, we’ve discussed inventions that will give you a reason to shave your muff. It’s now time to let you know what us guys like in the arena of sex toys, in actuality, most of these aren’t toys yet they are powerful.

Lingerie – Shiver me timbers! Some lace boy shorts and a see thru bra…that will get you cuddle time after the Knight Rider-awesomeness sex.

Dirty Talk – It is free. It is easy. It is helping us with our ‘bad teacher’ disciplined fantasy.

Porn – Cinemax is the Beastie Boys of cable. They are reliable and always cool. Flip on some Cinemax or, better yet, suggest watching some porn online and you will see us pitch a tent faster then a gay Cub Scout leader on a retreat.

Finally, and this is very simple and easy and powerful. It won’t matter if you are new girlfriend, a bitchy hanger on or a elderly wife; this is the time tested way to turn your man on. Also, this has become more and more simple with digital cameras, camera phones and web cams. Simply take a pic of your chest or your legs or more (use your imagination, I can’t do it all for you) and send it to us in the middle of a shitty work day. This is a guaran-fucking-tee for a happy and horny male. Don’t be afraid of us showing our friends, thats for fucking douchebags. Share the view. Let us enjoy. I’m so sure of this, that it gets my TDog Stamp of Approval for bonerness.

FUCK UFC.  By no means am I a big bad ass.  I don’t go around punching babies and stealing welfare checks from the elderly.  I’ve never put on a singlet and groped another man in skin tight clothes.  BUT…….when that day comes that a guy in a TAPOUT shirt gets mad at me for laughing at his 20 inch lifted chevy truck and wants to fight, you can bet that his submission holds won’t mean shit.  I’m sure he has seen UFC 80-100 and knows how to scissor me to death.  Little does he know, I’m not trained in the style of mixed martial arts…I’m trained in the “protect my fucking shit with any nearby blunt instrument” arts.  I will not fight fair and you won’t have a chance to do that shit they do in UFC.  I will do everything in my power to leave a Nike swoosh imprint on your nutts, at the least.

Its just damn comical when the guy with a half beard and tapout shirt enters the restaurant with his doo rag covering half his eyes.  He is more talk then Oprah.  They know that they can intimidate someone and they also know that they can kick some ass…in their mind.  Spending $40 on a Tapout or Affliction t shirt does not empower you to shit.  I’m sure guys put on those shirts and pull their best “Over the Top” impression (Over the Top was a Sylvester Stallone movie about arm wrestling where he stated that turning his hat backwards was like a spark plug).  Its another sign of over compensating, just like their trucks and fat girlfriends.  Everything around them is BIG in order to hide their ‘not so big’ manhood. 

Lesson to take away = A dude with a Tapout shirt is more then likely sporting a shaved 3 inch cock.