Dreaming Big

Recently, I listened to a really inspiring Ted Talk.  One of the things that the speaker said was that if you have a dream...don't keep it to yourself.  Basically the gist of what he was getting at is that if you keep your dreams to yourself, no one will be able to help you with them.  But if you open up to the people in your life and tell people your goals/aspirations/dreams, you'll be surprised at the help you will receive.  So even though it can often be scary to share those things, and you might be called crazy, or mocked, or laughed at...there will always be someone who believes in your dreams enough to help.  So it is in that spirit that I want to share a dream of mine.  But first, allow me to go back.

A few years ago (I think it was before Charlie was born), I happened to randomly watch an independent film on Netflix called Southbounders.  The movie isn't on Netflix anymore, but it was basically a story about a young woman who was going through some transitions and feeling a bit lost, and she decided to hike the entire Appalachian trail all at once.  The Appalachian Trail (the AT) is 2,180 miles long, and crosses 14 states from Georgia to Main.  Hiking it all at once generally takes around 5-6 months, and is known as "thru hiking".

I don't really remember too many of the details of the film, but I just recall gaining this sort of fascination with the AT after I watched it.  Maybe it had to do with the stage of life I was in, or perhaps I was craving a chance to take a break from "life" and go on a journey.  But it passed.  I knew (and still know) that I would never leave my little family for 6 months to go trekking across 14 states.  I had Charlie, we moved, and I put the fascination aside for a while.

Well, last year I went through a time when I was really trying to reconnect with myself.  Have any of you other moms gone through this?  You know, you wake up one day thinking..."I used to like things. I had dreams once, right?  I used to be a person, I think?"  No?  Just me?  Well, I really went through it.  And as the youth like to say, the struggle was real.  But thankfully, as I made my way through the struggle, I came to remember myself.  I remembered the things I am passionate about, the things that make me happy, and more than anything...I began to allow myself to dream again.  Dreams that weren't only about the kids, or our family.  Dreams that were mine.

And slowly, I started researching about the AT.  I read books and websites, watched tons of youtube videos, and let the information sink into my heart.  I thought, what if?  What if I could hike it in sections?  A little here and there over the course of many years.  What if sometimes I could hike it with Matt, and sometimes I could hike it with friends or family?  And what if...What if over time I was actually able to hike it all?

So I got brave, and I shared my dream with Matt.  And you know what?  He didn't laugh.  He didn't think I was crazy or selfish.  He was excited!  And when I started questioning myself, he pushed me.  And we both knew it would be hard, and take sacrifices from both of us.  But he loves me.  And I think he was happy to see me dreaming again.

So, this summer I have been hiking like crazy with my trusty dog Max (Who I don't think has made a blog appearance yet), and Matt and Charlie when we can manage it.  And next weekend I am going on my first backpacking trip with my Dad, who is also totally supportive of my AT dreams.  And if we can work out the childcare situation...I just might hike the Grand Canyon again this year!  All of this hiking has been good for me.  I feel stronger than ever.

So there it is!  Everything is dependent on schedules, finances, etc. but I'm hoping that I'll be able to do my first section hike on the AT sometime in 2016.  But I would love to have people join me.  So if you are interested in being my hiking buddy on the AT, or you live near it and could offer me rides to and from the trail/airports, let me know!  Or if you have a friend or know someone who knows something about the AT, let me know!  Or if you can't offer me any help at all, but you still want to show me written or verbal support...let me know!:)

Thanks, friends.

Keep dreaming!

A Different Road

I think it's time to interrupt this long blog hiatus to write a post I've been stewing and thinking on for quite a long time.

I think that there are a few different reasons why I've had a hard time sticking with blogging.  Some of it has to do with using different social media platforms to share bits of my life.  Some of it has to do with being distracted by other things.  But I think one of the biggest reasons that I don't really blog anymore is because this blog has always been a place where I come and share my life in a very open and honest way.  Writing honestly was always the most rewarding aspect of blogging for me.  I knew that this was a place where I could come and tell my truth.

But the truth is that there have been some big changes in my life and our life as a family that I just haven't felt safe sharing here.  I have been scared, not because they are bad changes...they are good changes for me/us...but because I know MANY of my friends and some family will see it as bad.  However, lately I've been feeling this bone deep desire to live my life as authentically as I can.  And for me that means not allowing the fear of what others will think about me and my decisions to dictate the choices I make, or how I live my life.  It means not hiding, or pretending that I am something that I'm not.

So, the big thing I am referring to is...that we have left the LDS church (or Mormon church for my few non-LDS readers).  When I say "left", I don't mean that we have removed our names from the records of the church, or that we have been excommunicated.  I simply mean that we are no longer believing members, and we no longer attend.  I have not attended for well over a year.  It has been almost a year for Matt.

I'm not going to get into all of the details or specific reasons why we left the church.  But, because Mormons tend to make a lot of assumptions about those who leave the church (I know...because I used to do it too!) I will clarify a few things.  We did not leave the church because we were offended by someone.  We did not leave the church because we didn't have enough faith/didn't read scriptures/didn't pray/didn't try hard enough.  We did not leave the church because we just wanted to "sin".

The most honest and simple thing I can say is that we left because we don't believe it anymore.  Over time and because of some experiences we've gone through, we really began to question certain doctrine and church policies.  So we studied and we prayed, and we kept going.  And we studied more, and prayed more, and kept going.  And then we came to a point where belief in much of what is taught was gone entirely.  But we kept going, holding out hope that we could find a middle way.

But the middle way isn't easy to come by.  Especially here is Utah.  The time when we were really trying to find a middle way...to make it work and stick it out despite our change in beliefs, was a really difficult time.  It was just painful.  But Matt and I have both been members for our entire lives.  Our parents are.  Many of our siblings are.  And when it's all you've ever known, you fight for it.  And we did.

But the fight stopped being worth it for us.  And after I heard a General Conference talk that was given in 2013...a talk that made me weep (not tears from feeling the spirit, but of feeling my heart be broken) I decided it was time to stop trying to make this square peg fit into a round hole.  Especially when it was making me so profoundly unhappy.

So it has been a while now.  It hasn't always been easy.  We have lost some friends.  It has been tricky for our families.  There have been a lot of times where we have either felt like outcasts or "projects".  If we lived in Michigan or some other place when we made this decision, it likely wouldn't be as big of a deal.  But not being an active/believing Mormon in Utah...well.

But for anyone out there who is worried about us, here is some good news.  We are doing really well! We're happy.  We're spending more time together as a family.  I feel really lucky that Matt and I have been together on this journey.  I'm so thankful for him and his ability to not just tolerate my questioning...but to encourage it.  All along the way we have given each other all the time and space needed to figure out where we stand and what we want from life spiritually and otherwise.  Going through this together really encouraged communication and openness, and brought us closer together in many ways.  And, it has been a really beautiful experience to learn new things about myself...especially my spiritual self.

I also want to go on record and say a few important things.  First, we are not anti-Mormon.  We love our Mormon families and friends.  We are thankful for our Mormon upbringing, we acknowledge the good parts of Mormonism, and we know that so much of it has shaped who we are today.  Second, we made a choice that was right for us, and our family...and just because we have made this choice doesn't mean that we think other people who choose differently are somehow wrong.  We believe in following your happiness wherever it takes you.

It feels good to write this.  I hope it will feel good to publish it, too.

Lots of Love,

Megan

Christmas Time

We has a wonderful Christmas this year.  I'm sad that it is over, but definitely looking forward to all that the new year has to offer.  Here are some of the highlights from our Christmas.

Charlie and I spent a lot of time making cracker toffee (i.e. Christmas Crack) for neighbors, friends, and Matt's co-workers.  But let's be real...Charlie was just in it to lick the spoon.

 Of course we had the annual N family Christmas pajama party, complete with dinner, gingerbread decorating, pajamas, pictures, musical performances, and the reading of the nativity.

The Saturday before Christmas my parents and my brother Matthew came to our house for a pre-christmas dinner, present opening, and carol singing.  It was such a lovely evening.

We are always so happy when Uncle Matt comes to town!  My kids adore him, we adore him, and it doesn't hurt that he spoils us rotten.:)

 Uncle Matt bought Aubrey a helium balloon kit for Christmas...and it was a huge hit!  She loves balloons so much.

On Christmas eve we had a yummy festive dinner at Matt's sister Joy's home, but I don't have any pictures of that.

 Christmas day was so great.  The kiddos were super excited to see all that Santa had brought.  Aubrey loves her new indoor swing, Charlie is obsessed with Buzz Lightyear, Matt surprised me with the record player I've always wanted, Matt got lots of running gear, and to top it all off...it finally snowed!  We ate a yummy breakfast of sweet rolls and breakfast casserole, stayed in jammies for most of the day, and spent a good portion of the afternoon playing in the fresh snow.  It really could not have been more perfect.

Later that evening we headed to my parents house to have Christmas dinner with them, and both my brothers Matthew, and Jake+family.  I also managed not to get any pictures that night, but I know my brother got some epic photos...so maybe I'll share those later.

I hope you all had a very merry Christmas!

Catch-up post #1

I really hate it when I let the blog go for so long, and then I feel like I need to catch up for the sake of record keeping.  But alas, here we are.  So buckle up and get ready for some updates.

In September we blissfully got back in to the routine of the school year, and enjoyed the beginning of the awesome fall weather.  And of course, no September is complete until we've celebrated the Autumn Equinox.  This years celebration could not have been more perfect.  The weather was ideal with clear and sunny skies and nice cool crisp air.  Perfect for a campfire in the mountains.  We got our favorite camping spot at our favorite campground in American Fork Canyon.  We were basically the only people up there (I can't remember for sure now, but I think it was a Tuesday night), so it was quiet and peaceful.  We explored, collected colorful leaves, ate a yummy dinner, sat around the campfire eating s'mores, and talked a lot about seasons and why they change.

This was our 5th annual Autumn Equinox celebration, and it was so much fun.  Its one of my favorite family traditions, and I hope that our kids keep looking forward to it every year as much as I do.

Coming soon: posts on Halloween, A trip to Moab, potty training, and of course...a personal essay or two.  I'm ready to get back to blogging, so stay tuned!

Bits of Happiness

I've been thinking a lot lately about happiness.  More specifically, about whether or not happiness is a choice... and if so, to what extent.  I'm still not completely sure what the answer is, or if there is an answer to this question.  I think the closest I've come to answering this is to say there are choices we can make that will allow for more space and opportunity for happiness in our lives.  But whether or not we can just say "I'm going to be happy" and have it be so?  I don't think that's real.

But I thought I would take a second to write a few little things that have made me feel happy lately, because I think it's important to take time to acknowledge the good things.  I believe that giving a voice to happiness, big or small, allows it to grow.

-I was out yesterday running some errands and I decided to stop at Bath and Body Works, because I have been out of bubble bath for a few months now.  One of my life philosophies is that a bath can make just about anything better.  But a bath without bubbles is not a bath worth taking...in my opinion.  So I stopped, got a little carried away, and came home with a bunch of yummy smelling bubble bath and body spray.  Even a little aroma therapy.  Yum.  It should last me for a long while. (P.S. The Eucalyptus Tea aroma therapy is to die for.  And apparently it is meant for stress relief.  Just a little tip for you.)

-While I was gone, Matt took the kids over to his parents house so Grandma could cut Charlie's hair.  They were still gone when I got home, so I had a nice chunk of time alone in the house...which NEVER happens.  It was lovely.  And bonus...Matt came home with fresh chocolate chip cookies his mom had just baked.  Score!

-We took the kids up to Silver Lake this afternoon to enjoy the very fall-like weather we've been having lately.  I was really nervous about it, because the last time we took the kids to the mountains, Aubrey had been very stressed out, emotional and difficult.  I just didn't want to have a repeat experience.  But we had a wonderful time!  Both of the kids were very happy to be there.  Aubrey walked happily around the entire lake.  She wandered off the trail with us to explore.  She climbed over fallen trees and rocks.  She waved and smiled at every person we passed on the trail.  And we ended the evening without a single meltdown.  It was like a miracle.  I was so happy that I couldn't stop hugging her and telling her how proud I was of her.  Add to that the fact that we needed to wear hoodies, and I call that the perfect evening.

-Yesterday I was upstairs straightening my hair for a while.  Matt and the kids were downstairs eating a snack.  When I came down the stairs and Charlie saw me, he gasped and said "Mommy!  You so pretty!"  I think I'll keep him.

-Matt and I have been having conversations about what to do with the townhome we still own in South Jordan.  One of the things we've been thinking of is waiting to sell it until we can make a nice chunk of money, and then turning that money over and buying a cabin/cottage/vacation rental property in the mountains somewhere.  The idea being that if we're going to own two properties...we might as well own one that we can get some use/enjoyment out of.  Who knows if anything will materialize out of this dream...and even if it does it won't be for a good long while.  But it is a fun dream to have, and one that makes me happy.

-I have a board on Pinterest titled "Happiness".  I post anything from pictures to quotes to art...anything that makes me feel happy.  Here is a sampling.

I want to end this post by asking you, my readers, about your thoughts on happiness.  What do you think?  Is happiness a choice?  And if so, to what extent?  And if you are the type of person that think happiness is 100% a choice...what does that look like for you?  I genuinely want to know!  So if you have thoughts on the subject, comment below or on the FB link for this post.

xoxoxo

10 Years

I was just reading through my gratitude journal, and came upon this little treasure.  And being that Matt and I recently celebrated our 10th anniversary, I thought I would take a minute to type it up.

7-18-13

I am so thankful for Matt.  Really, of all the many many blessing in my life...he is the very best.  There is no one I would rather take this journey with.  He is a great father; very hands on, helpful and involved.  He works incredibly hard at work and at home, and he is a great husband.

Some of my favorite things about him:

-His sense of humor
-The look he gets on his face before he's going to quote a line from a movie or t.v. show.
-The tender side of him that he only shows to me.
-His affection
-I love that he loves our kids and gets excited about doing things with them.
-The way he uses a paper towel over and over again like it's a real towel, until it falls apart.
-I love that he almost always "gets" me.  And when he doesn't "get" me, he tries very hard to.
-I love that he loves parts of me that I'm not so sure I love about myself.
-When he does something embarrassing, or something he thinks might make me mad...he looks at me with puppy dog eyes and says "Love me?"
-His big hands
-How I feel small when he hugs me.

For all these reasons, and hundreds more...I count myself as an incredibly lucky woman.  Ten years.  I'm proud of us. :-)

Random Thoughts At 11:30 pm

Daily blogging is hard.  I'm just saying.  And the battery on my laptop is about to die, so this is going to be a quick one...because I'm too tired to go downstairs for the cord.

Today the kids and I headed North to spend the day with my parents, and it was positively lovely.  There were snacks, and a mini four wheeler, and a herd (herd?) of overly aggressive ducks and geese, lunch, interesting conversations...what more could a girl ask for?  I love my parents.  I love that my kids love them and get to spend time with them.  I love that even at 31, my parents still like to take care of us kids (kids?) from time to time.

The weather this summer has been spectacular for Utah.  I mean all the rain and cloudy days.  Thank you, Mother Nature.  

I have had spectacularly horrible headaches this week. I'm not really sure what that's all about...but my body has been doing all sorts of weird stuff lately. It's very frustrating.

I've been trying not to watch the news lately. Everything is just so sad. ISIS, James Foley, Robin Williams, Israel/Palestine, Michael Brown...and on and on. I want to be informed, but sometimes I also just can't deal with all the tragedy.

Well, this is the most random blog post ever. My battery died, so I'm finishing up on my phone. I think a bubble bath is in order.

Goodnight

Mountain Fun (question mark)

One of my favorite things ever is when Matt will take a day off from work right in the middle of a week.  Well, things have been slowing down for him at work lately, and since it's the last full week before school starts again, he decided to take yesterday and today off.  It's been great having him around all day.

 Yesterday the weather was pretty rainy and cloudy all day, so it was pretty low key.  We took the kids to the library for "moving & grooving", we went to Costco, took naps, and then went to Ikea for dinner.  Did you know kids eat for free on Tuesdays? Also, the Ikea cafe is one of the few restaurants we can take Aubrey too, because if we sit right next to the glass balcony she can watch the escalator...and it will keep her attention long enough to sit through a whole meal.  These are the kind of things you learn after 7 years.

This afternoon the sun came out, but it stayed nice and cool.  We decided to head up American Fork Canyon because we figured it wouldn't be crowded on a Wednesday afternoon, and we wanted to spend some time in the great outdoors.  It was absolutely gorgeous, and there were hardly any other folks up there.

We didn't do as much exploring as we would have liked because Aubrey was pretty unhappy most of the time.  She did an awful lot of crying and freaking out.  She seemed really anxious and didn't want to get out of the car whenever we stopped.  But we made her, because well... life has to move on.  Once I pulled out my phone and started taking pictures of her, and let her look at the pictures, she cheered up.  But every time we stopped to get out of the car and walk around, the meltdowns started all over again.

 A smile!

 Matt offered to stay back at the car with Aubrey so Charlie and I could go for a little adventure, but of course Charlie didn't want to go very far without Daddy.

We stopped to play for a while at Tibble Fork Reservoir, and both Aubs and Charlie had a lot of fun at the beach there.

Outings like this are never easy for Aubrey.  Sometimes we come home in a sour mood and wonder why we even did it in the first place.  Some parts of this outing were like that, but some parts were really nice.  So I guess that's why we keep doing it.  And stopping for a little Cafe Rio on the way home definitely didn't hurt the situation. :)

About The Boy

(Charlie with Matt's dad on a recent hike)

Charlie is growing up so fast.  I mean, look at this picture.  Does that look like a toddler?  No, that looks like a little boy, and I can hardly stand it.  He is learning and changing so much everyday that I thought I should take a minute to record some things about him right now before I forget.

Even though Charlie is in the throws of the terrible two's, he is also a super fun age right now.  He is at the stage where he is learning everything and soaking it all up like a little sponge.  His funny little personality has erupted, and he cracks me up all the time.  I can say with certainty that he has the spunk and fire to match his red hair.  Here are some notes for my own memory.

-Our Charlie boy is a talker.  He talks all the live long day.  He asks a lot of questions, and genuinely wants to know the answers to them.

-He is painfully shy in new places and around new people.  We have been to story time at the library SO many times, but he can still barely bring himself to get off my lap and sit on the story rug.

-This summer he transitioned out of his crib and into a big bed.  It was relatively painless.  He still even takes a nap most days! (hallelujah)

-Charlie loves music and dancing.  He knows a lot of words to The Avett Brothers, and loves to sing along while we are in the car.  He can also sing his ABC's, twinkle little star, you are my sunshine, the itsy bitsy spider, and many of the songs from Frozen and Tangled.

-He has a vibrant imagination!  He can turn anything into a toy.  He loves pretend play, and will frequently pretend to be a super hero, fireman, ballerina, mountain climber, and a daddy.

-He loves reading books with us.  Sometimes Matt will stay in his room for 30 minutes at bedtime, just reading book after book.

-We have tried one stint of potty training, but it was a no go.  It became a power struggle about getting treats.  So we backed off, and will try again when he seems more ready.  In case you were wondering...I am SO ready.

-Charlie is the pickiest of picky eaters.  It drives me crazy.  He could stand to gain a little weight.  But on top of being super picky....he is SUPER stubborn.  It's a bad combination.

-Charlie has a very compassionate soul.  He looks out for his sister.  He sticks up for her when we get frustrated or lose patience.  He tells me what she needs, and misses her when she is away.  It brings me so much joy to watch him learn about his sister, and understand her in ways that I don't.  He has a special heart, and I know it will serve him well all his life.

-Charlie can identify all of his letters, and numbers up to ten.  He can count to twenty, and knows most shapes and colors.  In terms of learning, I think he will be more than ready for preschool.  In terms of separation...not so much.:-)

-He is a snuggle bug.  He wants to hug and kiss and snuggle all the time.  During the day he will frequently come to me, squeeze my leg or my head and say "I just yuv you, Mommy."  Its the best thing ever.

He is my little buddy, and a bright light in our lives.

About Hope

A few weeks ago I had a dream where Aubrey spoke to me.  The details of what she said are now fuzzy, but I remember how it happened.  We were in the kitchen, and she was gesturing and babbling...making all of her weird expressive sounds just like she usually does.  And then the babbling gradually started to morph and shape into actual words.  And then the words formed into sentences.  In my dream, I stopped what I was doing and watched and listened.  And then I said "It happened!"

Then I woke up.  Tears stung my eyes, and I couldn't breathe.

Over the years many people have told me that they have had dreams where Aubrey talked to them.  Family members, friends, even random people that don't really know her that well have had dreams where she spoke.  It always kind of bothered me, because I never had dreams like that.  People would tell me about their dreams and then I would be left feeling envious of their communication with her, even though it wasn't real.  And I wondered why all these other people had these dreams and not me.

Sometimes I daydream about it.  Like when I'm sitting next to her on the couch or laying with her at bedtime.  Sometimes I'll just imagine that she will start talking to me about school, or whether or not a friend could come over to play.  And I imagine this whole back and forth conversation.  I don't know why I do this to myself.

Just today, I was in the car with the kids.  We were on the way home from the park, and I was talking to them about what we should have for lunch.  I asked Aubrey if she wanted a grilled cheese sandwich or chicken nuggets.  She can only respond with gestures for yes or no, so I asked separately."Do you want grilled cheese?"  She points out the window.  "Do you want chicken nuggets and apples?"  She points out the window.  I asked her again and again and all she does is point out the window. Finally I get frustrated and say, "How am I supposed to know what you want if you won't tell me?"  Then Charlie piped up and said "But Sissy can't talk, Mommy!"

Having that dream slayed me.  After I woke up and caught my breath, I laid there and wondered when it would stop hurting.  Will it ever stop hurting?

We no longer have hope that Aubrey will someday develop speech.  We know it won't happen.  We don't expect it, we don't pray for it, and we're trying to make peace with it.  The hope that lives on is a hope that one day Aubrey will learn enough to let technology do the talking for her.  The hope that there will be a time in her life where communication is easier.

And most of all, the hope that someday it won't hurt.  That one day she will be old enough, and we will be wise enough to only know her for who she is and all that she possesses.  Period.  That we will be able to let go of the pain of lost experiences and missed conversations...and just let it be what it is without the pain.