Breaking Free

I'm back! Are you excited?

So let's recap shall we?

I lost weight. I gained weight. I lost weight. I maintained weight (for a very short time.) I gained weight. Repeat.

Through the ups and downs in my weight I began to hate my body. Through that self-hatred I began to loathe the deepest part of myself, the essence of me, my very soul.

Since the tender age of 16, I have either been trying to lose weight, or I have been gaining weight through bingeing.

That is 13 years of hating myself so much, that to cope with those feelings I would, a: try to lose weight (through severely restricting my calories and banning "bad foods" and even a stint of "weight loss pills"  that made my heart race and my hands shake that have now been banned by the FDA,) or b: binge on everything in sight. Here's how the cycle would go.

*cue Reesa's internal voice*

"Wow, you are getting really fat. You really need to diet. Don't eat any sugar, or chocolate. Don't eat more than 1000 calories a day. Maybe only 800, you are really fat."

So I would diet. Sometimes I would add exercise. It would work, I'd lose 5, 10, 30lbs.  But at some point I would, heaven forbid, eat 1100 calories or one of the things I considered "bad."

*cue internal voice*

"You can't do anything right. You have no self-control. You have no discipline. You always fail. No matter how hard you try, you will never be good enough. At anything. "

I would answer that voice by weeping and saying, "You're right, I'm not good enough. I will never lose weight. I will never succeed at anything. Why keep trying? I might as well eat a whole batch of chocolate chip cookies, or zingers, etc."

Then, of course, I started to gain weight because not only was I not dieting, but I was also gorging on all the "bad" foods I had completely denied myself while dieting, desperate to quiet that voice and "medicate" myself with food. I would come out of the gorge-induced fog 2 days, 2 weeks, 2 months later, depending on how deep the self-hatred had been. And the cycle would start again. You're fat. You're lazy. You're stupid. You need to diet.

Not once in 13 years have I loved myself. Not once in 13 years have I accepted myself the way I am. I got so tired of putting energy, time, and money into something that, no matter what I did, good or bad, I still felt like I was failing. Even when I was succeeding, I felt like I was failing.

2  months ago I bought a book (and read it!)

Breaking Free From Emotional Eating by Geneen Roth.

It has made all the difference. Now, for the first time in 13 years I have realized that my weight does not define who I am or the worth of my soul.

to be continued...

DAY 1

I am back. I have found new motivation. I shall share.
Ever since I was a little girl I have wanted to be a mommy. I remember when my sister was little, I used to carry her everywhere and we would play babies all the time. I KNEW from then on that all I wanted to do was have kids and be a mommy.
A few days ago I thought I was pregnant. I was not as happy about it as I should have been. I cried. Want to know why? Because I am not healthy. My weight is too high. I want to be healthy when I start a pregnancy so I can give the best to my baby. When I realized that I was not pregnant I felt a huge sense of relief but also an obligation and desire to ensure that I never felt like that again at the thought of being pregnant. I want to feel joy at the thought of being pregnant and not dread. I want to be excited about bringing a child into this world and not worried about complications because I haven't taken care of myself.
I weighed in this morning - 150.8.
Then I went for a walk and did some dumbbell exercises. I feel so much better already. It's so easy to forget not only how good exercise and healthy eating makes me feel but also how horrible sitting around eating junk makes me feel.
I am going to remember how much I do want a baby and how horrible it was to not be happy at the possibility a few days ago. That is my motivation.
My new goal is to get my weight down to 125. Ultimately I would like to be around 110 but if I can get my weight to 125 or less then I will be in a healthy weight and BMI range. At that point becoming pregnant would be joyful!
Good luck to you all on your own journeys!

FEENING FOR SOME CHOCOLATE

The weekly weigh-in:

145.6

Yay! I get a gold star!

Now, a horror story for your enjoyment (or terror, depending on how you feel about chocolate:)

Once upon a time, I was at work (just last Friday night) and I was feening for some chocolate. I mean FEENING.

If someone had said, "Here's some chocolate, but you will have to hand over your firstborn child to claim it," I would have been strongly tempted to make a decision. Let me just say,  it wasn't looking good for the firstborn.

However, I had worked really hard all week to count my calories. I had made choices to not only stay in my calorie range but also to put healthy, higher quality foods in my belly.

So, instead of handing off my firstborn, I thought a good choice to take the edge off my craving would be to spend a quarter in our little nuts/m&m mix machine at work. You get a handful of nuts and m&m's. Still healthy, right? Portion controlled (unless you have an endless supply of quarters, which I don't, thank goodness), not too much chocolate (as if there's such a thing, ha) and you get some healthy fats from the nuts. At least, that's my story and I'm sticking to it.

So I stuck the quarter in, licked my lips as I dreamed of that first taste of sweet and salty goodness, and turned the dial. What would I get? Some cashews, brazil nuts, mostly peanuts? Who cares, I WANT CHOCOLATE! 

I slowly lifted the lid and let the treat pour into my hand. My eyes lit up as the nuts came out. The nuts just kept coming and coming. It was almost too much for my one hand! But wait, what is this?  The door slammed shut as I stared in disbelief at my handful of crappy peanuts. TWO m&m's. 
Oh the horror.   

The end.

MAKE 2010 YOUR "I DID IT YEAR!"

First – the weekly weigh in. . .

Ta-da!

150.2

How rad is that!

In unrelated news, I went to a Predators hockey game in Nashville and guess who sang the National Anthem?

Jodee Messina!

She was amazing. I don't listen to much country because it's just not my thing but she is one singer I have always liked. It was so exciting and I was so awed that I didn't even think to snap a picture! grrr.

Okay, so I read this really cool little blip (pg 20) in the Jan 2010 issue of SELF magazine (Carrie Underwood is on the cover, love that girl!) Basically it said that you need to visualize yourself on December 31, 2010 looking back over the year and saying “I did it” to whatever your goal is. As the author put it, “Picture yourself already bragging about your success!” I love that idea. She even had several SELF staffers write up their own “I did it!” statement. The idea is to write it as though you’ve already done it then hang it up to keep you motivated. Without further ado, here is my “I did it!” statement.

“2010 was my year.

I lost 40lbs, ran a 5k in under 35 minutes,

and learned to maintain my weight! I did it!!!”

What is your “I did it!” statement?

It can be anything, not just health related.

THE END...THE BEGINNING

Today is the end...

of feeling fat

of being lazy

of eating whatever i want

of hating my body

of my body hating me

of feeling out of control

of stretching out t-shirts before i put them on

of not fitting into my pants

of wishing i could skip church because i don't fit in my dresses very well

of telling my nephews "not right now" when really i mean "i'm too fat to move my butt off this couch"

Today is the beginning...

of being healthy

of loving my body

of my body loving me back

At the core, that's what I really want; to feel healthy, to love my body and to know that it loves me back.  Do I want to be skinny and look good? Heck yes! But more importantly I want to be strong. I want to be proud of my body and what it does for me. I want to take care of it, love it, and use it the way God meant me to.

2010 is my year. 

I can do this.

WE can do this! 

Wanna know my weight?

156, ugh.

On the bright side, that means my weight loss will be even more dramatic and amazing! :)

**before pictures coming soon**

WEEKLY UPDATE AND PLAN

Without further ado I give you the weekly weigh in:

148.2

Down 1.8 lbs. Not bad. Not as good as I wanted, but not bad. I was down a bit more than that Saturday morning but it was Big P's birthday. Let's just say he wasn't the only one enjoying the celebration :)

I hit the gym twice. The goal was 6 times so I was a little short. I do have a good reason though. My hip has been messed up for a couple years now. It flares up occasionally and boy did it last week. (I'm sure part of the reason is the weight I have put back on.) I could hardly walk and have almost fallen several times. I layed off the gym and tried to baby it while working (standing and walking in a factory for 12 hours, not ideal)  and it started to feel better. As of yesterday it was feeling awesome so I was planning on going 3 times (taking it easy still) this week.  Apparently my hip had other ideas. I had the crazy idea that I could take a normal step (vs babying it) and WHAM-O. I almost fell flat on my face. So I have set up an appt with a chiropractor for the week after Christmas and until then I will go to the gym when my pain level is low. I use the elliptical and the crazy thing is, it doesn't hurt me at all while working out. But, after...oh the pain when I try to walk.

My calories were right on target each day (except saturday.) I think my body likes 1400 calories for weight loss vs 1200. I'm not hungry at all and it really feels like I get to eat so much more even though it's only 200 calories. I've also been incoporating some fruits and veggies and that seems to make a big difference on my cravings. I eat an apple and a banana almost everyday and they handle the major sugar cravings. I still want crap but not like I have in the past when I haven't had the fruits.

Newsflash: The holiday season is the worst time ever to be trying to lose weight. It's not impossible but I'm not exactly setting myself up for success here. My main goal is to not gain even half a pound. Any loss will just be viewed as a bonus. As long as my weight on January 5 is still 148 or lower I will consider the holidays a grand success. Just trying to be realistic.

Peace out till next week.

I'M BACK. . .

Did you miss me?

I've been busy.

Very busy.

Doing what, you ask?

Oh, not much really. . .

just busy gaining 15 pounds.

*silent weeping*

That's right, my weight as of this morning was a whopping 150 pounds.

*hysterical weeping*

I am so embarrassed about this and it has taken me a week to get up the nerve to post something.

I contemplated waiting until my weight was down at least a little, ya know, only an 8 pound gain or something. However, when I decided to start this blog I promised myself I would be completely honest or it wasn't going to help.

So here I am.

Fatter, but honest.

How did it happen?

Well, I chose to use my vacation to Utah as a free for all in my eating, that's how.

Then when I got back home and realized I was up about 8 pounds, I let myself get really discouraged. I told myself I can't do this, I will never be done losing weight, so why bother.

Then I got very depressed. So I ate.

Then I decided to do something about it.

Then Thanksgiving came.

People, I caved big time.

Now, Thanksgiving is over and I am still ready to do something about it!

Here's the plan:

Daily Goals

~gym - 6 days/week

cardio 40 min (intervals: 2 min. moderate, 30 sec fast

strength 20 min (only sickness qualifies as a valid reason to miss)

~1300 -1400 calories/day

~no deviating until Christmas Eve

I'm only human peeps, and I host a party that night with lots of fabulous food!

Now, would you like to know what is going to keep me focused and sticking to this? I knew you would, so I will tell you.

Every time I don't meet my daily goals I have to pay Big P $10. Trust me, there's not many times I am willing to pay $10 for a cookie or to miss a gym session. He is joining me on this endeavor with his own daily goals, so we are going to be looking fine in a few months!

I have been reading some fabulous weight loss blogs that have inspired and motivated me.

Here

Here

Here

Here

And then of course there's this fabulous site.
They don't post anymore but if you've never read it, start from the beginning and read some every day. They posted almost every day for around a year and a half and it is where it's at. All the cool kids are reading it.

This article might possibly change your life. I am a phoenix!

word of caution, it does use some questionable language

And dat's how we roll