The thing that happened.
A friend of Happy Bodies shares a story she has been holding on to for a long time. We thank her for her bravery in sharing it with us.
Iâve thought long and hard about whether or not to write about this event. Iâve thought about it for ten years, everyday it comes to my mind, everyday for the past ten years. I havenât written, or talked about what happened after my junior prom since a few weeks afterwards. Mostly because of deep, crippling shame that makes me so sick I can hardly stand to let it sit in my mind for more than a few seconds at a time. But the memories come back so often. Really, they come back more often now then right afterwards. I betrayed everything I am, everything I was as a person. When I think about it I realize I canât ever be who I want to be. I canât ever hold myself up as a moral human being. I canât ever be a friend again; I canât ever have a friend again. I canât ever promise to protect anyone, no matter how much I love them.  I need to write about it now because there is just more room out there then there is in here.
In one sentence here it is. Â I overheard my friend being raped and I didnât stop it. Iâm writing anonymously because I donât want her to find this and be triggered. Also, Iâm so ashamed; I donât want my friends to find out. Â Â The most shameful moment of my life, the one part of my life Iâd undo if I could. Â Here are a few things about what happened.
Up until high school I never had many friends, not many girls that I could trust. But finally after sophomore year a group of us came together, we werenât misfits, we werenât popular. We were just us, none of us had many boyfriends, I was just so happy to have these girls in my life, they cared about me. They saved me from the trouble at home. They accepted me no matter what. They were my first real friends and the last ones Iâve ever really had.
We went all together to the prom, a few of us had dates but we didnât pay much attention to them. It was more about us dressing up and going out. We didnât go to many parties. When we got together we would usually just eat at each otherâs houses and laugh while we watched movies or drive around in each otherâs cars. Of all the girls Stephanie* was the kindest, the most accepting. She had been through trouble in her life. I appreciated that she would talk about it, just tell me things that were terrible but she said them as if they were funny, so I laughed. Knowing her made the hard things in life easier.
This was the first night my parents let me stay out past mid-night. I so wish they hadnât. I honestly canât remember the dance. Itâs as if it never happened in my memory. I canât remember where it was, I only remember what I wore because of photos. After the dance, we decided to go to a party. There werenât many people there and after a few hours it was just us and some boys. I wanted to go home but I didnât want to seem pathetic, so I stayed. Also, Iâm not sure they would have taken us home had we asked.
We were all in a bedroom, Stephanie, me and one other friend with some of the boys. One boy, a man really, started kissing Stephanie. I thought she liked it, she seemed to. So me and my other friend left, it was late probably four or five so we went into another bedroom and fell asleep. An hour or so later I woke up to Stephanieâs voice, âNo, noâ she said. I turned to my friend, I was frozen, her eyes were wide, also frozen. It happened so quickly, really all I heard were a those noâs and then a short moan and it was over.
Iâve thought back on this moment so many times, Iâve had visions of myself getting up and eviscerating him. Scratching his eyes out with my stumpy finger nails. Stamping his testicles with my prom heels. Iâve thought about the various weapons I could have used to crack his head open and then drag my friend out into the night, to safety. Iâve thought about the numbers I could have called, my sister, other friends. But I didnât do any of those things I lay there like an animal, like a cow. Unable to comprehend what was happening. In the morning another boy drove us home. For a few days I couldnât believe life was going on as normal. Why hadnât my parents figured it out? Why werenât the police breaking down the door to take me away? How could I still be getting up and going to class. I still donât understand that.
I talked about it a few times with my other friends but after few weeks it became taboo. Stephanie wore sweat pants for two weeks and then she became herself again, at least on the outside. I never talked to her about it, I never apologized, I was too cowardly even to do that. We stayed friends for a while, but we were never as close again. I donât know if she blames, I would understand if she does.
Years later while working at a coffee shop one of my co-workers told me that another co-worker had been raped the night before. I was so angry, I started shaking, all the walls closed in on me. It was like it happened again at that moment. Iâd let it happen again. Â
*name has been changed
Update from Michigan: Vagina Voices
Last weekend was the event VaVaVoom: Vaginas-Voice-Vote-Victory, which included an open-mic, political action/letter writing, and an art making station.
Dope design credits go to Sofija Dutcher
The open-mic sought to center womenâs lived experiences in our bodies, and the choices we make about them. By sharing these stories we shed light on the complexity of issues women face and the need to fight for sovereignty over our bodies, our health and our choices.
We asked anyone who wanted to participate to respond to the prompt: “Our Choices: Personal stories about womenâs rights, bodies and lives.” I thought it was particularly interesting to hear the stories of (and to organize with) activists who were older than me. So many had the reaction: We have to fight for this… AGAIN?
I particularly liked Laurie’s piece “Unoccupy My Womb”:
And my one of my oldest friends, Re, eloquently shared xir story about demanding xir right to body sovereignty (so proud!):
More videos are at the Lansing Area NOW’s website.
Letters from a Vagina in Michigan
Reflecting on my experience of the Vagina Monologues at the Michigan State Capitol, I started to wonder what Speaker of the House James Bolger thought of this. After all, it was his decision to bar Reps. Brown and Byrum from speaking in the House,  that we  were protesting against.
So I decided to write him a letter.
Dear Speaker Bolger,
I was saddened by your decision to bar Representatives Byrum and Brown from speaking on the house floor last Thursday. I have seen the footage from the house floor last Wednesday, and would consider Rep. Brown and Rep. Byrum’s behavior to be in keeping with the “decorum of the House of Representatives.” They were passionate, and yes, angry, but I personally want my representatives to fight to get their voices and amendments heard.
I am a woman who grew up here in Michigan. I get passionate sometimes and sometimes I get angry. Many women* are particularly heated and passionate about the issue of abortion access in this state. I hope you can understand that this is because it affects our bodies, our choices, and our health directly, so many of us have strong opinions. It worries me that if you can’t respect your colleague’s voices when they speak out on this issue, that you won’t be able to respect mine or other women’s throughout the state when we do. I am worried about your ability to represent women in your district if you’re not able to listen to them.
I believe it was an inappropriate reaction to gavel Reps. Byrum and Brown out of order, and to bar them from speaking the next day on important state issues. By silencing these two representatives, you also silenced all the citizens in their district, and for that, I think Michigan citizens deserve an apology.
I’d love to hear a response from you. There are clearly many people like me who were very upset by these actions, as seen by the thousands that turned up to the capital on Monday night. I would like to know how this response affected your opinion of the situation, and your plans to follow-up with the many concerned (and angry) Michiganders.
Thank you,
[Full Name]
[Address]
Although Speaker Bolger made the decision, there were many other representatives who supported his decision fervently, or tacitly by not speaking out against it. There were also those who took it to the next level by openly mocking Reps. Byrum and Brown on the radio.
Rep. Wayne Schmidt: âItâs like giving a kid a time out for a day. Hey, âTime outâŚââ
Host Michael Patrick Shiels: âTime outs, temper tantrums â makes women angry, hah hah hahâŚâ
I decided to write this idiot a letter too.
Dear Representative Schmidt,
I was saddened by the audio I heard from your recent interview on Michael Patrick Shiels’ radio show. You showed a lack of respect for your colleagues in the House of Representatives, as well as for women in general. I have seen the footage from the house floor last Wednesday, and would not consider Rep. Brown or Rep. Byrum’s behavior to be equivalent to a temper tantrum. They were passionate, and yes, angry, but I don’t think those things equate to acting childish, or deserving of a “time out”.
I am a woman who grew up here in Michigan. I get passionate sometimes and sometimes I get angry. Many women are particularly heated and passionate about the issue of abortion access in this state. I hope you can understand that this is because it affects our bodies, our choices, and our health directly, so many of us have strong opinions.
It worries me that if you can’t respect your colleague’s voices when they speak out on this issue, that you won’t be able to respect mine or other women’s throughout the state. I am worried about your ability to represent women in your district if you’re not able to listen to them. And beyond that, that you have turned their passion for this issue into a joke.
I urge you to reconsider the way you have spoken about your colleagues Lisa Brown and Barb Byrum, and to look at the ways your words about women on the radio disparage the women in your district and across the state. I would love to hear a response from you on how you plan to address the concerns of women in your district in the future.
Thank you,
[Name]
[Address]
I do not expect responses because I am not in these representative’s districts, but I’m hoping someone will read them. I am working on writing my State Senator, Rebekah Warren, a thank you letter for setting up the Vagina Monologues performance with Eve Ensler. I want to let her know that right now, she’s doing it right.
Hey, by the way, if you’re not in Michigan, that doesn’t mean that you don’t have really restrictive abortion bills working to be passed or icky reps who call women cunts, whores, and children. Thisslutvotes is documenting oppressive legisaltion across the country – get writing!
*I’d like to note here that I did think about the decision of whether to use “women” or more trans-inclusive language in my letters. I wanted to make sure I was very clear and that I wrote to the representatives with terms they would understand. Writing this post now, I’m not sure whether it was the right decision to do so. I would be interested to hear your opinions.
A Vagina in Michigan attends the Vagina Monologues
On Monday I got to see one of my heroes, Eve Ensler, along with my State Senator, Rebekah Warren host a performance of a play I have acted in, produced, and advocated for, on my state capitol.
Ok, I totally cried.
In case you are unaware of the context in which state legislators led thousands of people in the chant “VAGINA. VOICE. VOTE.” on the Michigan capitol steps, I wrote a little summary of the situation. I hope you all, one day, also get to experience “Vagina Motherfuckers” being yelled on your capitol steps, and a crowd of thousands in pink standing up with applause.
Here was half the crowd, approximated at 2,000-5,000, to watch the performance of the Vagina Monologues. (The Washington Post reported it as “hundreds“, shocker.)
Lisa Brown and Barb Byrum were also given a chance to speak about their experiences over the last few days, and after the performance Eve Ensler gave a rousing speech[Full Transcript + photos here]:
I am over brilliant remarks being called “tantrums” and outspoken being called “crazy” and lacking decorum when they are just smart.
I’m over it! We are over it! This the moment. This is the moment. This is where it all turns around. This is the moment when we talk back and speak back. This is where we rise up.This is where we say “yes” to Lisa Brown. “Yes” to Barbara Byrum. “Yes” to every brave woman who is standing with us today. Gretchen Whitmer. Barbara Byrum. Stacy Erwin-Oakes. Dian Slavens. Rashida Tlaib. Vicki Barnett. Joan Bauer. Ellen Cogen Lipton. Maureen Stapleton. And all the amazing actors and activists up on this stage.
This is where we say: “VAGINA!” Say it!
CROWD:Â VAGINA!
I was moved. I was screaming “vagina”. I was screaming “vagina” in a crowd of thousands and feeling like YES. YES we can do this. YES this is the moment. This can be the start of a whole movement in Michigan. We can keep this going.
I’ve joined a group organizing an open mic in Lansing to provide anyone the opportunity to speak up and speak out about their lived experience of their reproductive rights, and how the abortion “super-bill” would affect them. I want to make lawmakers know about Michiganders REAL, LIVED EXPERIENCES of our choices, our bodies and our families. By sharing  these stories I hope to also bring into the conversation the way socioeconomic inequalities, racism, sexism, cis-sexism, ableism and all intersecting oppression affect our reproductive choices & rights.
I’ve also been writing my reps. More on that next.
Updates from a Vagina in Michigan
“What she said was offensive. It was so offensive, I don’t even want to say it in front of women. I would not say that in mixed company.” –Â Rep. Mike Callton (R-Nashville)
Vaginas in Michigan have had an interesting week, so I thought I would share some of what’s been going on over here. Trying to use as many local sources/opinions as possible, to give you some sort of spirit from the ground.
Background:
It all centers around Michigan House Bills 5711, 5712, & 5713, sometimes referred together as the “anti-abortion super bill”. Planned Parenthood calls it an omnibus bill “that would essentially end access to abortion in Michigan.” (More details on the bills here)
On Wednesday, HB 5711 (the major portion of the super-bill, although not the one with most controversial legislation –Â a ban on all abortions after 20 weeks, with no exception for rape, incest, or health – which is HB 5713), but not before heated debate. Catch some of the badassery here. Some highlights:
“Stop having sex with us, gentleman. Find somebody else to do it with. I ask women across Michigan to boycott men until these bills stop moving out of the House.” – Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Detroit)
“These bills purport to protect women, but will force women to self abort in unsafe conditions because the clinics will not be there,â –Â Rep. Marcia Hovey-Wright (D-Muskegon)
“Finally Mr. Speaker, I’m flattered that you’re all so interested in my vagina, but no means no.” -Rep. Lisa Brown (D-West Bloomfield)
This last bit got Lisa Brown barred from speaking on the house floor (Full speech here) along with Rep. Barb Byrum (D-Onondaga) . In a statement by a spokesman for Speaker Bolger, they were barred because they had “failed to maintain the decorum of the House of Representatives.”
Rep Barb Byrum was  not allowed to speak on her amendment to the bill that would have required proof of a medical emergency or that a manâs life was in danger before a doctor could perform a vasectomy.
âI was ignored by the majority floor leader and not allowed to speak on my amendment which would have held the same standards for men and women when it comes to legal, voluntary procedures in reproductive health and now I am being silenced for standing up for women. This is yet another example of this Republican majority’s misogynistic and cowardly tactics.”
What People are doing
Obviously, some of us were pissed about what’s going on in the house!
- The ACLU is on it, and quickly came up with great reproducible signs. They, like many other groups, are encouraging writing your elected officials regarding the issue:
- EVE ENSLER obvi will not take this silencing of “vagina” and is flying out to Michigan today to hold a special performance of The Vagina Monologues at the Michigan Capitol Building. So far, the cast includes Eve Ensler, along with: Rep. Lisa Brown (D-West Bloomfield), Sen. Rebekah Warren (D-Ann Arbor), Sen. Gretchen Whitmer (D-East Lansing), Rep. Barb Byrum (D- Onondaga), Rep. Stacy Erwin Oakes (D-Saginaw), Rep. Dian Slavens (D- Canton Township), Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D- Detroit), Rep. Vicki Barnett (D-Farmington Hills), Rep. Joan Bauer (D-Lansing), Rep. Ellen Cogen Lipton (D-Huntington Woods) and Rep. Maureen Stapleton (D-Detroit)
- At the Slutwalk in Detroit on Sunday, I saw many people with the ACLU signs, heard “vagina” chants & screams, and an organized anger about the issue.
My Thoughts
I do have some concerns. There’s some conflation here of vagina & vulva and vagina & women. I don’t think this imprecise language is trivial. I worry that in organizing around VAGINA, we leave out women without vaginas, and people with vaginas who are not women. I also worry that in making our actions & protests purely centered on VAGINA, we fail to link this issue to the larger patriarchal structure that seeks to control ALL non-cis-male bodies.
I also hope that concern over intersecting oppressions regarding reproductive rights are not left out & lost. That we don’t continue to recognize and challenge the way these bills disproportionally affect the poor and people of color. I hope we don’t fail to see the connection between the silencing of two Representatives in the MI state house and the silencing of marginalized people & communities throughout the state who will be affected by these bills.
Overall,I’m glad people are pissed, and I’m glad people are talking about it. People are posting about it on facebook, telling each other about it, and asking how do I take action on this NOW?
For those who are local, I suggest you find your rep:Â http://www.house.mi.gov/mhrpublic/, and tell them what you think. Found out today that mine is pretty cool:
âI am not sure what happens to Republicans when they are sworn into office, but as far as I know none of them were granted medical degrees. If Republicans want to stop abortions, they should pass legislation aimed at preventing unwanted pregnancies such as real sexual education.â Rep. Jeff Irwin (D-Ann Arbor)
For those who aren’t local, I also suggest you find your rep, and tell them what you think about reproductive rights/reproductive justice. I’m embarrassed to say that although I knew about the “super-bill”, I didn’t take any action to share my opinion, and like many, was blindsided with everything that took place this last week in my legislature.
That’s all I’ve got for now! Heading to Lansing later today to see the Vagina Monologues performance and I can give you an update on that later!
CAPTION CONTEST: Help me deface this bally total fitness ad.
In the women’s bathroom of my favorite bar, in every single stall is this horribly stupid ad from bally total fitness that reads:
If you’ve got it, flaunt it. If you don’t, try Bally Total Fitness.
Of course, this text is accompanied by a picture of a slim HEADLESS white woman in a bikini. Making clear that she’s “got it”, and if you don’t look like her, say because you’re non-white, wear the average woman’s size or have head, that you don’t got it and certainly should not flaunt it.
These ads have been up forever and its time to take a stand for all my beer drinking comrades. I’ve got a sharpie, you just gotta help me figure out what to write.
There are three of them up so we can have THREE WINNERS. Each receiving a PERSONALIZED PHOTO of the defacing you helped contribute to. And an IN PERSON HUG.
C’mon Get Happy: HB Link Love
Hey you happy bodies. Â Here’s what I’ve been reading this week. Share with me what you’ve been reading & writing!
- Newt Racism: The Racially Coded Language of Presidential Candidates (Sociological Images): As Larry Wilmore says, “It’s 2011, you can’t just say black people are lazy”. Instead, you just imply it.Â
- Long-Term Worldwide Decline in Abortions Has Stalled, and Unsafe Abortions Have Increased (Guttmacher Institute): Icky to hear, but important facts to know.
- Sometimes being rude is the acceptable response (Womanist Musings): It always bothers me that what’s considered to be the most “rational” response to an argument is the one that’s the most emotion-less. If someone says something really damaging and offensive, couldn’t getting angry be the most rational thing?
- Do You Feel Safe Running Alone? (Hello Ladies): This really describes my feelings of being alone in public spaces.
- Shuffling Feet: a black man’s view on Schroedinger’s Rapist (Free Thought Blogs): Really thought-provoking! A reflection on the concept of Schroedinger’s rapist, from a man who is often viewed in public spaces as threatening – both due to his race & gender. A great analysis of the intersections of anti-black racism & sexism.
- If I Can’t Dance, Is it Still My Revolution? An interview with AJ Withers (Shameless Magazine): Great overview on radical disability activism, what it’s about, how it differs from mainstream disability activism, and how to be an ally.
- The postnatal body project (F-Word Blog): “. But the overriding message to new mothers today is an amplification of that to the female consumer in general: now you’ve got some work to do, and we’re not talking about lactation. “
- Support Stand4Kids (Communications of A Fat Waitress): A great response to those horrible posters in Georgia.
- Yo, is this racist – I linked a round-up last time, but I have now literally read every entry of this blog. It is too good to miss.
- Hand Job Time Machine – I just can’t get over the title of this one.
- #LGBTfacts – In response to a wack twitter account making up fake, harmful facts. Some people started making up their own, better versions.
“MissMaryMax: If you play the ellen show at double speed, you can hear the minutes for the monthly Meeting Of All The Lesbians.#lgbtfacts“
Our Intimate Wars [Blog for Choice Day 2012]
I was expecting to celebrate Blog for Choice day the same way I always do – by forgetting to write anything. But at the very least this year I want to mention this really great series: Intimate Wars appearing at Fem2.0 and On the Issues Cafe January 17-18, 2012 in celebration of the anniversary of Roe v. Wade and the release of Merle Hoffmanâs memoirs, Intimate Wars.
The series centers women’s personal stories of their relationships with their bodies and reproductive rights. To me, “Intimate Wars” is such an evocative and accurate name to describe these relationships. The major realization we had when starting Happy Bodies, and the reason this blog began is that every body has a story to tell. These stories can be heartwrenching, triumphant, silly or tragic, but always dynamic. And for many of us, it’s felt like a war. It’s empowering to tell these stories, and unifying to share them with others.
The debate of reproductive rights and abortion accessibility is heated. People are angry. People are hurt. People are name-calling, and shouting and disrespecting each other. It’s partisan. It’s nasty. It’s black and white.
And the women who are faced with these decisions are caught in the middle. Their bodies become the battlegrounds of this war. I have watched, as a clinic escort, women screamed at and verbally abused as they walk into the clinic for their operation, surrounded by pictures of dead fetuses. I’ve listened, too many times, to privileged white people talking about “welfare queens”, unfit mothers, “octo-mom” and how irresponsible it is for poor women to have children.
I have no idea what it feels like to make this decision. I’m lucky to have not been faced with this choice yet. I’ve got ideas about what I would do, but I really don’t know. In this battleground of ‘pro-choice’ or ‘pro-life’, there are so many factors that come in to the real decisions women make, that are beyond what they want for their own body: what their family wants, what the father wants, what they can afford, what is accessible to them, what their faith says, what their church says, what is the most discreet option, whats is the safest option. For some, there is a great stigma to deciding to terminate a pregnancy and for others there is judgement for having a child when others deem the situation unfit. In many cases women face coercion, manipulation, or violence related to making this decision.
My strong belief in body sovereignty leads me to be firmly pro-choice, and for accessibility to all reproductive options. I get heated to in response to things like HR 358 passing the House, the huge amount of anti-Choice legislation passed in the last year, and the spinelessness of the Democratic leadership in defending women’s reproductive rights.
But I think there is a need to re-focus, re-center, and remind ourselves where this battle over reproductive choice is really being fought. It’s an intimate war.
HEY EVERYBODY
Just a reminder:
Being fat doesn’t make you unhappy.
Being bullied, berated and shamed for your body does make you unhappy.
Hating your body makes you unhappy.
Not all fat people are unhappy.
Not all thin people are happy with their bodies.
Being fat isn’t the worst thing that can happen to you.
Being fat isn’t the problem.
Being surrounded by people who are jerks about it is.
So stop doing bullshit like this:
Instead, let’s talk about how weight is the number one reason why children are bullied. And how many kids hate their bodies so much that they are on diets. And maybe how enocuraging kids to accept and celebrate their bodies rather than to hate them might be a lot better solution.
 Becky out.
C’mon Get Happy: HB Link Love
I wanted to quick hits for all of these but I thought I would save you some time. Here are some people writing stellar things on the interwebs. Also, I’ve been using our twitter again to post links – come say hi – @happybodiesblog
- This is the Size I Come in (Dances with Fat) : Eloquently & comprehensively taking on the “waaaaahhh but I have less room on the airplane” argument.
- Radical Black Reading, 2011Â (The Public Archive): Head over to the library, a lot of these look really good.
- Being Mad on Twitter (Margaret Cho): Margaret Cho gets angry about fat-shaming and insulting comments on twitter, and I love it.
- Women’s Work (Shakesville): On the Democratic Party assuming it has the women’s vote, and what it has done to reproductive rights in this country.
- Fat-Positive Shopping Is About More Than Garments (this ain’t livin’): “Some stores only offer larger sizes online, for fear of having actual fat people in their storefront, which would of course upset the other customers. Finding environments that donât just sell a wider range of sizes but actively welcome the people who wear them is rare and such spaces are to be treasured.”
- ‘They’ is Me. (Ivan Coyote):  On the what should be a pretty easy thing to do: “Call us what we wish to be called.”
- Did Abstinence-Only Ideology Create a Bully Generation? (RH Reality Check): A well researched article on how ab-only sex education creates a culture of bullying by relying on sexist stereotypes, espousing anti-lgbt views, and engaging in slut-shaming & victim-blaming.
And a little humor to end with:
- Racism Antidote (Nth Wave of Feminism): A round-up of the best posts from Yo, Is This Racist?
Oh yeah, and let us know what you’ve been reading & writing this week – we’d love to hear from you!
Happy Bodies 
