The Moose Den

Happy New Year, A Return To Old Traditions

moosimusmaximus — Wed, 02 Jan 2013 01:01:14 GMT

A year ago I embarked upon a journey that I had hoped would enrich my life, deepen my knowledge of the cultures of the world, and lead me to live a more joyful and spiritual human experience. My goals was to celebrate every day, for whatever reason possible and I had hoped to keep a record of my gained knowledge, experiences, and actions.

I failed. I managed to keep up with my attempts for a while, but eventually the daily collection of information and blogging, while trying to keep other blogs, and working, and reading, and writing, and doing all those other things I do daily became too much and I abandoned the pursuit. But I didn't turn my back on the challenge completely.

This year, I do resolve to celebrate every day. To be happy that I am alive, and to find reason to sing, laugh, learn or reflect among the culture, traditions, holidays, and celebrations of anyone that make up the 6 billion beings on this planet. More than likely not every day will be documented. Not every day will have major significance this year. But every day will still be celebrated. And this journal will chronicle those events this year, next year, and every year following until I have a calendar filled with a celebration that has taken place and has been documented for every single day of the year. This is about more than resolving to do something for this year; it is about enjoying everything that is around us within the small amount of time allotted to us on this planet.

Driving home from work last night after midnight the lights had gone out on a state highway I travel down daily. That part of town being completely in darkness was a bit eerie, not to mention dangerous considering the higher potential for risky driving on New Year's Eve. Most of the ride home was cast in darkness where light had been before, but near the end of the highway a single house that had not been affected by the power outage stood, completely covered in Christmas lights still shining brightly. As my truck passed the house a single bottle rocket flew from the yard, out in front of my vehicle, and exploded on the other side of the highway. Had it moved any slower I might have had time to be scared of it, but it was so quick that I was able to simultaneously note what had occurred and that I was out of danger. All that was left was one brief flash of light and the sound of explosive powder cracking. One fleeting moment of joy and happiness and merriment. That's all any of the chronicles of this journal will be; moments suspended in time only by our memories, beautiful in their fragility.

And so a new year begins. A renewed attempt at a past goal, and a pile of new tasks, goals, accomplishments and adventures to complete. It's only fitting to start the year off with a familiar song and poem.

Should Old Acquaintance be forgot,
and never thought upon;
The flames of Love extinguished,
and fully past and gone.

Is thy sweet Heart now grown so cold,
that loving Breast of thine,
That thou canst never once reflect
On Old long syne?

On Old long syne my Jo,
On Old long syne,
That thou canst never once reflect,
On Old long syne.

The original Scots poem, boiled down to simpler components and expanded upon have found their way into New Year tradition beyond just the English-speaking world. The song has been translated into many other languages, or has had the lyrics changed but still remained in use for similar occasions. In Japan, the song is known popularly as Hotaru no Hikari (蛍の光) and is a celebration of a lifelong and unwavering devotion to study and enrichment. The song has almost nothing to do with Auld Lang Syne or the new year in general, but the Japanese still do sing it at the end of each year, though it is used to signify the end of many other events, even the close of a shopping day. Still this song permeates culture and language and has found itself a staple of global new year celebrations. And so as a new day of a new year begins I leave you with these words, looking forward to what the future has in store.

蛍の光　窓の雪
書よむ月日　重ねつつ
いつしか年も　すぎの戸を
あけてぞ今朝は　別れゆく

Light of fireflies, snow by the window,
Many suns and moons spent reading
Years have gone by without notice
Day has dawned; this morning, we part.

May this be the end of many poor practices, and the beginning of many wonderful, new ones.

366 Celebrations, National Youth Day in India

moosimusmaximus — Sat, 14 Jan 2012 17:18:58 GMT

Celebrated every year on 12 January since 1985, National Youth Day has brought celebration to the fields of education, art and culture as a source of inspiration for the children if India. The holiday takes place on the birthday of Swami Vivekananda who thought very strongly of the youth of India as the nation's future.

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

366 Celebrations, Kagami Biraki

moosimusmaximus — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 02:41:47 GMT

Break out the Gekkeikan, it's Kagami Biraki! Over 300 years ago, the fourth Tokugawa Shogun, Tokugawa Ietsuna, first held this ceremony with his daimyo, breaking open a cask of sake before going into battle. The outcome of the battle was successful, and the opening of a cask of sake is now a wish of good fortune for the celebration or event being held. In modern Japan, the celebration falls on 11 January (11 being an oddnumber and attributed to luck), though the tradition of Kagami Biraki can be seen at weddings, business launches, and other important events. It is now highly tied to New Year celebrations in the Gregorian calendar where households will set out round mochi balls (gelatinous rice cakes) during the holidays to take and eat them on the eleventh (Kagami Mochi).

The breaking of the mochi is symbolic of breaking the cask of sake. Many martial arts dojos use the tradition of Kagami Biraki and Kagami Mochi to signify the first practice of the new year. Kigami Mochi can be simply the rice cakes found above or they can be seen with more elaborate, decorative elements.

If mochi isn't available in your area, your liquor store is sure to have a bottle of sake somewhere. Just ask, sit back, and pray that the gods bless you with luck this year (and to wake up without a hangover).

366 Celebrations, Fête du Vodoun

moosimusmaximus — Wed, 11 Jan 2012 04:08:02 GMT

Happy Traditional Religions Day! Today is Traditional Religions Day in Benin, which is the ~~face-saving way of saying Festival of Voudoun which is the liberal way of saying CRAZY GOAT SLAUGHTERING VOODOO DAY which is the conservative way of saying~~ Voodoo Festival. Got that?

Vodoun is an oft-misunderstood West African, pantheistic religion that is the basis of many blended folk religions throughout the world, most commonly Voodoo in Haiti and the United States. The term vodoun refers to the spirits of all things around us from the guiding forces of nature to the individual spirits of streams to vodoun of tribes and nations themselves. Every element has its own vodoun to which the practitioner can appeal. Vodoun and voodoo are often viewed solely as a practice in black arts, notoriety of which was spread with the prevalence of the voodoo doll in popular Western culture. While poppets play a part in voodoo and Vodoun, they are not the sole essence of the religion.

In 1996, the nation of Benin, free from its previous Marxist dictatorship for half a decade, declared Vodoun a recognized religion, and a year later declared January 10th to be Traditional Religions Day and soon, thousands of devotees and tourists would visit Benin to partake in the great voodoo festivals held there annually. The spirit of the Vodoun Festival seems to be centered around the city of Ouidah, an important cultural and historical center in the tradition of Vodoun.

The festival begins with the slaughter of a goat in honor of the spirits of Vodoun, and then the celebrants dance, chant, sing, pray, and drink gin in the name of Vodoun.

Very few dolls are stabbed.

366 Celebrations, National Apricot Day!

moosimusmaximus — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 07:44:05 GMT

Yes, the mighty apricot. Linked in history to health, education, and most notably deliciousness, the 9th of January is when the U.S. commemorates this tasty fruit. The apricot has an early, short cultivating season, so finding apricots can be difficult at times. Luckily for me, I have a local market that is sure to have apricots in stock on this, the day of apricots.

Ah, the produce section of my favorite local, grocery store (name withheld). Never mind that load-bearing wall in the center of the picture. It's easy enough to shop around. Let's get us some apricots!

Hrm, none here in the organics.

And none on the endcap opposite. Perhaps the packaged produce will yield the desired fruit.

Nope. Not here. Not anywhere apparently.

Aha! There it is! See it? No, not the bags of apples or mixed fruit. No not the plastic lime and lemon juice bottles. No not the rows and rows and rows of apples. AAAAAALL the way at the back. In the preserves. Next to the peanut butter. Yeah, I couldn't see it either, but that's about all I could find. At least I'm sure I'll find something to wash it down with.

Good ol' Odwalla. When I need a random fruit made into a drink, Odwalla is the company of choice of all major retai... no apricot. No apricot blend? Smoothie? Power drink? Flavored water? Anything?

Even the organic juice section failed me. Just like the rest of the organic section really does when I have fat kid cravings.

The regular person juice aisle. It doesn't even have the modesty to get stocked decently. There it is with its corrugated boxes all hanging out. Go put on some clothes, grocery store aisle. At least these shelves did find me something suitable to drink. I took my simple purchases and checked out.

St. Dalfour and Jumex. When my local produce suppliers let me down, I know I can always count on you to stick any fruit in a can. Sorry, Goya. You may be good at sticking corn smut in aluminum, but when it comes to fruit, Jumex has got you beat.

My Apricot Day Feast! Unfortunately, the slice on the left suffered a brutal accident in which it fell to the ground and landed preserve-side down as is the custom with anything tasty you want to eat. At least the tile floor got to participate in the festivities.

366 Celebrations, Feast Of Our Lady Of Prompt Succor

moosimusmaximus — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 17:08:17 GMT

8 January is the Catholic Feast Day of Our Lady Of Prompt Succor. During the French revolution, persecution of the Church in french-controlled territories was prevalent and many of the Ursuline nuns who were teaching in French-reclaimed Louisiana fled to Cuba. French nuns appealed to their Bishop to allow the transfer of sisters in France to the Ursuline academy in New Orleans, but were turned down with the reasoning that in the current political climate, only the Pope could grant such a request. Pope Pius VII was a prisoner of Napoleon at the time and there were few avenues for communication that would be able to reach him. In Catholic tradition, Agathe Gensoul (who was not using her religious name Mother St. Michel for fear of the revolution) prayed before a statue of the Blessed Mother and promised to honor her as Our Lady of Prompt Succor if she could reach the Pope and receive a response. A month later the Ursuline nuns were granted the ability to go to New Orleans from the imprisoned Pope and on December 30, 1810 a statue commemorating Our Lady of Prompt Succor was enshrined at the Ursuline convent.

The statue enshrined at the Ursuline convent in New Orleans.

A mosiac dedicated to Our Lady of Prompt Succor in the French Quarter (Chartres street).

366 Celebrations, Merry Christmas!

moosimusmaximus — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 15:51:45 GMT

No, I haven't gone stark, raving mad. Okay, maybe I have but not on this point. Today is Christmas for people using the Julian calendar to mark feast days, so the Eastern Orthodox national churches of Serbia, Montenegro, Macedonia, Ukraine, Georgia, Russia, and the Greek Patriarchate of of Jerusalem all celebrate Christmas today. Not all Orthodox churches follow the traditional Julian calendar for their feasts. A revised Julian calendar which is almost exactly like the Gregorian calendar the western Church uses today; the two calendars will finally be off by a single day in 800 years.

So, today, in Serbia, Montenegro, Macedonia, et. al. is Christmas. Go buy your loved ones more presents. For Jesus. Because that makes Him happy, or something.

366 Celebrations, Happy Befana Day!

moosimusmaximus — Sat, 07 Jan 2012 03:19:34 GMT

I bet you thought I was going to celebrate the Epiphany, didn't you?

Well, I am, in a way. The tradition of Befana is rooted in both the pagan celebration of Saturnalia as well as the Christian observance of the Epiphany. Many believe that references from Saturnalia are the basis of the Befana character, but the legend as it is remembered today is purely a Christian-based celebration.

The legend of Befana begins on Twelfth Night, (yesterday) where the three Magi who were on the way to visit the newborn Jesus stopped at Befana's home to ask the way. She was unable to provide them with directions but invited them to stay and rest before they continued on their journey. As they set out to meet their Redeemer, the Magi invited Befana to join them in bringing their gifts to the newborn-king. Befana refused saying she had too much housework to do. The Magi left Befana, who was sweeping, cleaning up her household.

Later, Befana regrets not having joined the Magi, collects the finest gifts she can, and races off in the direction the Magi went, in the hopes of catching up with them and locating the baby Jesus. However, Befana never does catch up with them. Now Befana rides the night sky atop her broom, looking for Jesus, and bringing good presents to children who have been good, and coal and garlic and onions to children who have been bad.

The celebration of what appears to be a classical witch in Befana is highly popular among Italians who hold great festivals on Epiphany in their country with people dressed in costume and carrying dolls of witches in a tradition that has crept into the basis of Santa Claus folklore. Santa isn't even unique in the tradition of leaving out snacks for his consumption. The Italians, however, ditch the milk and cookies for plates of sausage and local vegetables served with wine.

Italian wine! You can't celebrate an Italian tradition without Italian wine. Note, this bottle is empty, not because I had a lot of people with which to share the wine, but because I was really thirsty.

That's a lot of sausage. Like whoa. Also, the flash gave the wine this radioactive yellow color. It did not look like that in the bottle or in the glass ~~but it might look like that coming out~~.

366 Celebrations, Happy Twelfth Night!

moosimusmaximus — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 15:48:13 GMT

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me twelve Lords a-leaping, eleven Ladies dancing, ten pipers piping, nine drummers drumming, eight maids a-milking, seven swans a-swimming, six geese a-laying, five gold rings (not actually rings of the elemental symbol Au, check out the link), four colly birds, three French hens, two turtledoves and a partridge on a pear tree.

Get out the wassail and start baking those king cakes, it's Twelfth Night! The last celebration of Christmastime before the Epiphany, Twelfth Night celebrations date back to Medieval times where they signified the end of the winter festival that began on All Hallows' Eve. On the Twelfth Night, disorder and unreason are celebrated in the tradition of the Lord of Misrule, and the ruling family would take their place as peasants while the poor would pretend to be of a higher class. The ruler of the feast of Twelfth Night was determined by hiding away a bean inside a cake. The person who located the bean would be honorary King until midnight.

In American tradition, "King Cakes" are baked, sold, and consumed from the Twelfth Night until Shrove Tuesday (also known as Mardi Gras). It's association with religious holidays have been furthered by replacing the bean inside the cake with a small, plastic baby, a representation of the baby Jesus. It is often tradition for the person finding the baby to purchase the next King Cake or to prepare the party at which the cake was served for the following year.

The nice girl at the checkout counter was confused when she saw the King Cake. As the box points out that it's a Mardi Gras confection, she was quick to note that it was not yet Mardi Gras. I was happy to be able to educate someone on the tradition of the King Cake while people behind me were waiting to pay for their Bud Light and Doritos. Tradition before blind revelry, folks.

Mmmmmm... doesn't that look... sugary? And slightly burned? My favorite.

Courtesy of our litigious friends we so lovingly call "Americans," this warning cautions the eater that their baby Jesus cake has a little baby Jesus in it. This warning should cover the company's ass from anyone who tries to sue them over the plastic baby. Well, anyone except Atheists petitioning for the separation of Church and Cake.

366 Celebrations, Happy Birthday, Jacob Grimm

moosimusmaximus — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 07:22:32 GMT

On this date in 1785, Jacob Ludwig Karl Grimm was born in Hanau, now Germany, then part of the Holy Roman Empire. The older of the Brothers Grimm, Jacob and his brother, Wilhelm, were most popularly know for their work on Kinder und Hausmärchen (Children's and Household Tales) more commonly known as Grimm's Fairy Stories (or Tales). Jacob himself is a noted author and philologist whose breadth of work goes beyond the most recognizable märchen, though his work as a mythologist will be what made him a household name forever. Today, we celebrate the preservation of folk tales, the rich tradition of historic cultures and the labor of love undertaken by Jacob Grimm, the first volume of which was published 200 years ago in 1812.

With the winter holiday season ending, I found it most appropriate to pay tribute to a classic icon of Christmas and winter tradition, the gingerbread house.

HANSEL AND GRETHEL

Once upon a time there dwelt near a large wood a poor woodcutter, with his wife and two children by his former marriage, a little boy called Hansel, and a girl named Grethel. He had little enough to break or bite; and once, when there was a great famine in the land, he could not procure even his daily bread; and as he lay thinking in his bed one evening, rolling about for trouble, he sighed, and said to his wife, "What will become of us? How can we feed our children, when we have no more than we can eat ourselves?"

"Know, then, my husband," answered she, "we will lead them away, quite early in the morning, into the thickest part of the wood, and there make them a fire, and give them each a little piece of bread; then we will go to our work, and leave them alone, so they will not find the way home again, and we shall be freed from them." "No, wife," replied he, "that I can never do. How can you bring your heart to leave my children all alone in the wood, for the wild beasts will soon come and tear them to pieces?"

"Oh, you simpleton!" said she, "then we must all four die of hunger; you had better plane the coffins for us." But she left him no peace till he consented, saying, "Ah, but I shall regret the poor children."

The two children, however, had not gone to sleep for very hunger, and so they overheard what the stepmother said to their father. Grethel wept bitterly, and said to Hansel, "What will become of us?" "Be quiet, Grethel," said he; "do not cry--I will soon help you." And as soon as their parents had fallen asleep, he got up, put on his coat, and, unbarring the back door, slipped out. The moon shone brilliantly, and the white pebbles which lay before the door seemed like silver pieces, they glittered so brightly. Hansel stooped down, and put as many into his pocket as it would hold; and then going back, he said to Grethel, "Be comforted, dear sister, and sleep in peace; God will not forsake us." And so saying, he went to bed again.

The next morning, before the sun arose, the wife went and awoke the two children. "Get up, you lazy things; we are going into the forest to chop wood." Then she gave them each a piece of bread, saying, "There is something for your dinner; do not eat it before the time, for you will get nothing else." Grethel took the bread in her apron, for Hansel's pocket was full of pebbles; and so they all set out upon their way. When they had gone a little distance, Hansel stood still, and peeped back at the house; and this he repeated several times, till his father said, "Hansel, what are you peeping at, and why do you lag behind? Take care, and remember your legs."

"Ah, father," said Hansel, "I am looking at my white cat sitting upon the roof of the house, and trying to say good-bye." "You simpleton!" said the wife, "that is not a cat; it is only the sun shining on the white chimney." But in reality Hansel was not looking at a cat; but every time he stopped, he dropped a pebble out of his pocket upon the path.

When they came to the middle of the forest, the father told the children to collect wood, and he would make them a fire, so that they should not be cold. So Hansel and Grethel gathered together quite a little mountain of twigs. Then they set fire to them; and as the flame burnt up high, the wife said, "Now, you children, lie down near the fire, and rest yourselves, while we go into the forest and chop wood; when we are ready, I will come and call you."

Hansel and Grethel sat down by the fire, and when it was noon, each ate the piece of bread; and because they could hear the blows of an axe, they thought their father was near: but it was not an axe, but a branch which he had bound to a withered tree, so as to be blown to and fro by the wind. They waited so long that at last their eyes closed from weariness, and they fell fast asleep. When they awoke, it was quite dark, and Grethel began to cry, "How shall we get out of the wood?" But Hansel tried to comfort her by saying, "Wait a little while till the moon rises, and then we will quickly find the way." The moon soon shone forth, and Hansel, taking his sister's hand, followed the pebbles, which glittered like new-coined silver pieces, and showed them the path. All night long they walked on, and as day broke they came to their father's house. They knocked at the door, and when the wife opened it, and saw Hansel and Grethel, she exclaimed, "You wicked children! why did you sleep so long in the wood? We thought you were never coming home again." But their father was very glad, for it had grieved his heart to leave them all alone.

Not long afterward there was again great scarcity in every corner of the land; and one night the children overheard their stepmother saying to their father, "Everything is again consumed; we have only half a loaf left, and then the song is ended: the children must be sent away. We will take them deeper into the wood, so that they may not find the way out again; it is the only means of escape for us."

But her husband felt heavy at heart, and thought, "It were better to share the last crust with the children." His wife, however, would listen to nothing that he said, and scolded and reproached him without end.

He who says A must say B too; and he who consents the first time must also the second.
The children, however, had heard the conversation as they lay awake, and as soon as the old people went to sleep Hansel got up, intending to pick up some pebbles as before; but the wife had locked the door, so that he could not get out. Nevertheless, he comforted Grethel, saying, "Do not cry; sleep in quiet; the good God will not forsake us."

Early in the morning the stepmother came and pulled them out of bed, and gave them each a slice of bread, which was still smaller than the former piece. On the way, Hansel broke his in his pocket, and, stooping every now and then, dropped a crumb upon the path. "Hansel, why do you stop and look about?" said the father; "keep in the path." "I am looking at my little dove," answered Hansel, "nodding a good-bye to me." "Simpleton!" said the wife, "that is no dove, but only the sun shining on the chimney." But Hansel still kept dropping crumbs as he went along.

The mother led the children deep into the wood, where they had never been before, and there making an immense fire, she said to them, "Sit down here and rest, and when you feel tired you can sleep for a little while. We are going into the forest to hew wood, and in the evening, when we are ready, we will come and fetch you."

When noon came Grethel shared her bread with Hansel, who had strewn his on the path. Then they went to sleep; but the evening arrived and no one came to visit the poor children, and in the dark night they awoke, and Hansel comforted his sister by saying, "Only wait, Grethel, till the moon comes out, then we shall see the crumbs of bread which I have dropped, and they will show us the way home." The moon shone and they got up, but they could not see any crumbs, for the thousands of birds which had been flying about in the woods and fields had picked them all up. Hansel kept saying to Grethel, "We will soon find the way"; but they did not, and they walked the whole night long and the next day, but still they did not come out of the wood; and they got so hungry, for they had nothing to eat but the berries which they found upon the bushes. Soon they got so tired that they could not drag themselves along, so they lay down under a tree and went to sleep.

It was now the third morning since they had left their father's house, and they still walked on; but they only got deeper and deeper into the wood, and Hansel saw that if help did not come very soon they would die of hunger. At about noonday they saw a beautiful snow-white bird sitting upon a bough, which sang so sweetly that they stood still and listened to it. It soon ceased, and spreading its wings flew off; and they followed it until it arrived at a cottage, upon the roof of which it perched; and when they went close up to it they saw that the cottage was made of bread and cakes, and the window-panes were of clear sugar.
"We will go in there," said Hansel, "and have a glorious feast. I will eat a piece of the roof, and you can eat the window. Will they not be sweet?" So Hansel reached up and broke a piece off the roof, in order to see how it tasted, while Grethel stepped up to the window and began to bite it. Then a sweet voice called out in the room, "Tip-tap, tip-tap, who raps at my door?" and the children answered, "the wind, the wind, the child of heaven"; and they went on eating without interruption.

Hansel thought the roof tasted very nice, so he tore off a great piece; while Grethel broke a large round pane out of the window, and sat down quite contentedly. Just then the door opened, and a very old woman, walking upon crutches, came out. Hansel and Grethel were so frightened that they let fall what they had in their hands; but the old woman, nodding her head, said, "Ah, you dear children, what has brought you here? Come in and stop with me, and no harm shall befall you"; and so saying she took them both by the hand, and led them into her cottage. A good meal of milk and pancakes, with sugar, apples, and nuts, was spread on the table, and in the back room were two nice little beds, covered with white, where Hansel and Grethel laid themselves down, and thought themselves in heaven. The old woman behaved very kindly to them, but in reality she was a wicked witch who waylaid children, and built the bread-house in order to entice them in, but as soon as they were in her power she killed them, cooked and ate them, and made a great festival of the day. Witches have red eyes, and cannot see very far; but they have a fine sense of smelling, like wild beasts, so that they know when children approach them. When Hansel and Grethel came near the witch's house she laughed wickedly, saying, "Here come two who shall not escape me." And early in the morning, before they awoke, she went up to them, and saw how lovingly they lay sleeping, with their chubby red cheeks, and she mumbled to herself, "That will be a good bite." Then she took up Hansel with her rough hands, and shut him up in a little cage with a lattice-door; and although he screamed loudly it was of no use. Grethel came next, and, shaking her till she awoke, the witch said, "Get up, you lazy thing, and fetch some water to cook something good for your brother, who must remain in that stall and get fat; when he is fat enough I shall eat him." Grethel began to cry, but it was all useless, for the old witch made her do as she wished. So a nice meal was cooked for Hansel, but Grethel got nothing but a crab's claw.

Every morning the old witch came to the cage and said, "Hansel, stretch out your finger that I may feel whether you are getting fat." But Hansel used to stretch out a bone, and the old woman, having very bad sight, thought it was his finger, and wondered very much that he did not get fatter. When four weeks had passed, and Hansel still kept quite lean, she lost all her patience, and would not wait any longer. "Grethel," she called out in a passion, "get some water quickly; be Hansel fat or lean, this morning I will kill and cook him." Oh, how the poor little sister grieved, as she was forced to fetch the water, and fast the tears ran down her cheeks! "Dear good God, help us now!" she exclaimed. "Had we only been eaten by the wild beasts in the wood, then we should have died together." But the old witch called out, "Leave off that noise; it will not help you a bit."

So early in the morning Grethel was forced to go out and fill the kettle, and make a fire. "First, we will bake, however," said the old woman; "I have already heated the oven and kneaded the dough"; and so saying, she pushed poor Grethel up to the oven, out of which the flames were burning fiercely. "Creep in," said the witch, "and see if it is hot enough, and then we will put in the bread"; but she intended when Grethel got in to shut up the oven and let her bake, so that she might eat her as well as Hansel. Grethel perceived what her thoughts were, and said, "I do not know how to do it; how shall I get in?" "You stupid goose," said she, "the opening is big enough. See, I could even get in myself!" and she got up, and put her head into the oven. Then Grethel gave her a push, so that she fell right in, and then shutting the iron door she bolted it! Oh! how horribly she howled; but Grethel ran away, and left the ungodly witch to burn to ashes.

Now she ran to Hansel, and, opening his door, called out, "Hansel, we are saved; the old witch is dead!" So he sprang out, like a bird out of his cage when the door is opened; and they were so glad that they fell upon each other's neck, and kissed each other over and over again. And now, as there was nothing to fear, they went into the witch's house, where in every corner were caskets full of pearls and precious stones.

"These are better than pebbles," said Hansel, putting as many into his pocket as it would hold; while Grethel thought, "I will take some too," and filled her apron full. "We must be off now," said Hansel, "and get out of this enchanted forest." But when they had walked for two hours they came to a large piece of water. "We cannot get over," said Hansel; "I can see no bridge at all." "And there is no boat, either," said Grethel; "but there swims a white duck, and I will ask her to help us over." And she sang:

"Little Duck, good little Duck, Grethel and Hansel, here we stand; There is neither stile nor bridge, Take us on your back to land."

So the duck came to them, and Hansel sat himself on, and bade his sister sit behind him. "No," answered Grethel, "that will be too much for the duck; she shall take us over one at a time." This the good little bird did, and when both were happily arrived on the other side, and had gone a little way, they came to a well-known wood, which they knew the better every step they went, and at last they perceived their father's house.

Then they began to run, and, bursting into the house, they fell into their father's arms. He had not had one happy hour since he had left the children in the forest; and his wife was dead. Grethel shook her apron, and the pearls and precious stones rolled out upon the floor, and Hansel threw down one handful after the other out of his pocket. Then all their sorrows were ended, and they lived together in great happiness.

My tale is done. There runs a mouse; whoever catches her may make a great, great cap out of her fur.

(Note, this translation comes from a second edition of Grimm's Fairy Tales. In the original story, the woodcutter's wife is the biological mother of Hansel and Gretel, and both parents share in the decision to abandon their children to save their own lives.)

366 Celebrations, Tamaseseri Festival

moosimusmaximus — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 19:32:55 GMT

"Oisa! Oisa! Oisa!" The crowd chanted again and again as men dressed in loincloths wrestled for control of the seventeen-pound wooden ball. This is Tamaseseri Festival, one of the three major festivals of the island of Kyushu, the third largest island of the nation of Japan. For hundreds of years this festival has taken place on the third day of January as a friendly contest between farmers and fishermen whose capture of the wooden ball and presentation at Hakozaki Shrine in Fukuoka will provide them with a bountiful harvest or catch for the coming year. As the nearly-naked men strive to control the sphere, they are doused with water in the cold, winter weather ~~because the Japanese are hardcore like that~~.

Here's a video of participants from last year's festivities.

Oisa, indeed.

366 Celebrations, Happy Berchtoldstag!

moosimusmaximus — Wed, 04 Jan 2012 07:12:36 GMT

For many, the Day after New Year's Day is another banking holiday. Many call it simply "The Day After New Year's Day." I've been burned out on New Year Festivities and while the prospect of celebrating by not looking at my finances or not going to the bank today (like it mattered, it was closed here, too) sounded like a good idea, they weren't very interesting.

It's moments like these that I turn to the Swiss for guidance.

January 2nd is celebrated as Berchtoldstag, one of the days of Rauhnächte or Twelfth Night of Christmastime. The holiday is attributed to Perchta (or Berchta) a goddess in Southern Germanaic paganism who is noted as a guardian of the beasts and is believed to be connected in folklore to Berchtold and set as the goddess of the Wild Hunt. Perchta mythology has her visiting people's homes during the midwinter, especially during Christmastime, to leave a silver coin had the children and young servants been good during the year, particularly the young girls, ensuring they had done all the spinning of their wool that year. (I assume a spool of wool was not something to be wasted.) In true Christmas folklore, Perchta would chastise those boys and girls who had been bad during the year by ~~leaving them a lump of coal~~ splitting open their gut, removing their innards and replacing them with straw and pebbles.

All from the one whose name means "the bright one."

Other traditions state that Perchta is angered when her feast is not celebrated with a meal of fish and gruel. She pretty much does the same thing to you if you've been bad if you forget to eat her traditional dish.

Perchta don't mess around.

So on this (non-canonical) feast day, in 2012, the residents of Switzerland get together to celebrate Berchtoldstag and do what? Spin fabric? Eat fish and gruel? Split each other open from gullet to groin to dance in each other's entrails?

They eat nuts.

The strange history of Berchtoldstag leads us to another popular story of the History of Switzerland that has cropped up on the internet as the reason for the celebration. If you perform a web search for Berchtoldstag you will find several websites that attribute the holiday to Duke Berchtold V. the founder of Bern, the capital of Switzerland. The holiday is not truly a celebration of Duke Berchtold according to ~~some jerk on Wikipedia who keeps deleting entries that state the hoiday IS in honor of the founding of Bern without providing ANY proof of the contrary on the discussion page~~ notable scholars, but popular legend, combined with a distance from once-common pagan folkore, have helped drive this belief into the minds of people who stopped reading the Wikipedia entry after the fourth word with more than three syllables in it.

So why nuts?

When Berchtold V established the city, he went out on a hunt promising to name the city after the first animal he came across ~~and murderated the living crap out of~~. Legend has it that he returned from the hunt and named the city Bern, the German word for bear.

Yes, now, about the nuts...

Likely a convention of modern storytelling, internet rumor has it that Berchtold killed a squirrel on his hunt. His mediocre adventure in the wood then turned into a "big fish" tale that grew and grew until Mighty Berchtold emerged victorious against his trial with the bear.

So apparently the nuts are a tongue-in-cheek reference to the proud, strong name of Bern avoiding its luck of being called Squirrel-town.

Really?

Unlikely. Nuts are common food items in the winter because of their availability. They are likely no more important to the holiday than just the convenience of having them around. However it is reported that the locals play games with their nuts.

Games?

Yes. Apparently a very common game among children is to try to stack five nuts.

You've got to be kidding me.

No, really! It's harder than it sounds.

...

It is! Don't look at me like that. I'll prove it to you!

I started with Brazil nuts because I thought they would be easy to stack with their flat shape. I was wrong.

Success!

Pecans. They're round. This should be difficult.

Success!

Almonds. Deceptively flat. This might be interesting.

Success! Piece of cake.

Hazelnuts. There's no way this is possible. They're small, round, and smooth. It's impossible.

BOOM GOES THE DYNAMITE!

Walnuts? Are you kidding me? Walnuts? I got this.

Suc-wait. What? Let me do that again.

It's confirmed. It's impossible to stack five walnuts. I tried it more than twice, so that statement is fact.I know that if I need to stack any other nuts, that I can take the time to nail just about anything you throw at me.

Or if I'm lazy, I'll just stack them like these guys do.

In a tin.

366 Celebrations, Happy New Year!

moosimusmaximus — Mon, 02 Jan 2012 16:18:59 GMT

Some people find it hard to believe that I had never partaken in the New Year tradition of eating black-eyed peas, greens, and ham for good luck. To be completely honest, I only heard of the tradition a couple of years ago. Despite having lived in New Orleans for four years, I had somehow remained oblivious to a very Southern tradition in the U.S. to which most people don't give a second thought. While I have to admit I returned home (Texas) every year for the Winter holidays, I was surprised myself to find I had missed out on such an unusual (to me), culinary custom.

In the United States, eating "Hoppin' John" at the start of the new year will bring the participant luck. The black-eyed peas are supposed to resemble coins and often the dish is prepared with a coin in the pot or often served with a coin under the bowl to family members. But the custom of eating greens and black-eyed peas on New Year's Day is not strictly an American convention.

The tradition seems to be rooted in Jewish tradition. The Babylonian Talmud makes note of eating a feast of these items at Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year, as they are significant omens of prosperity due to their abundance. The tradition maintained strong with Sephardi Jews who brought the custom to the United States where it began to spread to American citizens around the time of the Civil War, quite possibly due to the hoarding and ravaging of more important crops by the military.

It is important to note that the text from the Talmud concerning black-eyed peas could have been mistranslated. The Aramaic word for fenugreek may have been mistaken for this legume.

Since the late 1700s, American tradition has been to prepare the black-eyed peas with local greens and some form of pork or ham, making the dish non-Kosher. This year I will make my own version of Black-Eyed Peas and Cabbage as I have very few ingredients to do any of the actual traditional recipes I found online, and I'm not leaving the house to go to the grocery store today. Yes, sometimes I can be that lazy. (Note: The following meal bears little resemblance to the recipe for Hoppin' John found above. I shall call my meal the Dancin' Juan. Because I can.)

The main ingredients of my New Year's Day lunch. I am substituting bacon and ground pork for ham in the dishes because, well, I can. I'm still eating tasty parts of the pig, right? Not pictured are the onions, tomatoes, and some special spices ~~that I'll never share with you~~ that I used sparingly. Yes, I am using canned black-eyed peas instead of dried peas because I hadn't made black-eyed peas from scratch before, and I really didn't want to have to make a second meal if I screwed something up.

After rendering the fat from the bacon and allowing the extra-thick cut hunks of meet to cook through, I caramelized the onions in the bacon drippings. It smelled even better than it looks. To this, the black-eyed peas were added.

Ground pork, diced tomatoes, and one of my personal staples, soy sauce. I wanted to use Worcestershire sauce, but could not find a bottle of Lea and Perrins in my pantry. I should fix that.

An entire head of cabbage tops the pork and tomatoes, with some southwest seasoning added in for a unique flavor. To the peas I added a touch of chili powder, black pepper, and a dash of Crystal hot sauce. I put Crystal on everything.

Lunch time! The whole dish came together a lot better than I imagined it would have in my head, and I could see myself eating black-eyed peas fairly regularly now (I had only eaten them once prior to this adventure). While I found several records of people simply boiling salted cabbage and eating it as a salad/slaw, I found the pork and soy sauce with the reduced cabbage really working well together as a sort of stew.

And so, the first day of a year of celebrations begins. Happy New Year, and good luck to you all in 2012.

366 Celebrations, New Year's Eve Edition

moosimusmaximus — Sun, 01 Jan 2012 17:59:03 GMT

Since we missed out on the opportunity last year, I jumped at the chance to have a traditional, Hispanic/Mexican-American New Year's Eve celebration with tamales, eaten year-round but most popularly enjoyed at Christmastime, and buñuelos, a Hispanic, holiday staple. Growing up, I didn't know anyone ate anything else between Christmas and the New Year, so it was a real treat to share stories of our misconceptions and memories of past holidays. Not one to half-ass things, we opted to make our festive fare this year to add a little authenticity to the treats.

I'm amazed every time we make tamales that this somehow turns into the neat little packages below.

If you've never made them before, it's not easy. I'd have photographs of the process if I wasn't elbows deep in masa and venison. Yes, we made hybrid venison and pork tamales. We managed to pound out about 4 dozen tamales in under an hour, which isn't too shabby for three people who only do this once a year (if that). I fear they won't last 24 hours, though. We are notorious tamale-fiends in the Winter.

Snacks! Everyone loves snacks! Unfortunately I forgot to get the white and chocolate mousse cake in the picture. Not traditional. Still delicious.

Venison and pork tamales. They were fabulous. You'll just have to take my word for it.

Mexican buñuelos. These pastries come in various shapes and sizes from country to country.

Another tradition that I've let fall by the wayside was that of New Year's resolutions. I never make them because I never keep them. I had minor success with more of a goal than a resolution of self-improvement last year, but gave up after a couple of months just out of sheer exhaustion (I challenged myself to watch at least one new (to me) movie every day of 2011. 100+ movies in and I was done). This year, however, I've found something that I can keep up with and something that I've wanted to do for a while.

A year ends and gives way to a new beginning. Here's to not ending this celebration of life for the whole year. One celebration every day for 366 days (2012 is a leap year). 367 if you count New Year's Eve. I will be updating this journal and various other social media sites with my adventures into the various celebrations of people of all cultures daily. Here's to a year of truly living and celebrating the human experience.

A Vietnamese Restaurant? In MY San Marcos?

moosimusmaximus — Fri, 08 Apr 2011 12:04:07 GMT

It's true. 5 Chinese restaurants, two Thai diners and a Japanese hibachi grill later and San Marcos finally gets it's first Vietnamese "restaurant." I use the term lightly because T^2 (T-Squared) Baguette is basically just a sandwich and a drink shop. You won't find any pho on their menu, but they have quite the drink selection. Hoping to save myself the trip to Pho Thaison in Kyle or Austin, I decided to order dinner and sample the drinks to see if they could win me over. They have a lot of ground to cover if they want to steal me away from Thaison's durian pearl drink (bubble tea).

I was at work when I discovered the restaurant was in town. Luckily I was able to procure my dinner through CollegeDelivery (no link, you can use Google to look that one up yourself :-P ) of the house T-Squared Special Baguette with jambon and egg, an order of Winter Rolls, an iced Taro Milk Tea with mango bits and lychee jelly, and an "Avocado Avalanche" smoothie.

Looks delicious doesn't it? The Winter Rolls were like traditional spring rolls, but with Vietnamese sausage, cabbage, carrots, a touch of cilantro and served with the usual sweet, citrusy dipping sauce you find alongside many asian appetizers. I didn't find them to be very "wintery," but I've never spent the winter months IN Vietnam, so I'll let this pass.

The sandwich seemed of typical fare. Size, shape, and construction were as expected.

And opened.

That's egg and pate along with more vegetables and more cilantro on top of the slices of jambon. I should have noticed something here, but my years of French language study lulled me into a false sense of security so I just dug in.

After the first bite, the flavors came together nicely, yet there was something that stood out as familiar. Not bad, not overwhelming, but definitely something I hadn't expected, soft and salty... I opened the sandwich, not quite being able to put my finger on it.

Jambon is French for ham. Apparently it is also French Vietnamese for pan-fried Spam. To its credit, it wasn't BAD, it just was far from what I would expect out of a sandwich for which I paid five dollars. So much for the house special sandwich.

The drinks, on the other hand, were amazing. The milk tea didn't seem heavy at all and the lychee and mango added to the playfulness of the taro-infused drink. I was intrigued at the idea of an avocado smoothie and was pleasantly surprised at the quality of the drink. Smooth, rich, and just sweet enough to make it not feel like you were drinking a glass of guacamole.

T-Squared's drink list and list of add-ons for their drinks are too numerous for me to go into detail here, but they offer enough combinations for many people to find something that suits them well from fruit drinks to smoothies and teas. To try them all would be a challenge unto itself, but not one that I'm unwilling to try.

I'll be sure to get a different sandwich next time, though.

Play Games. Heal Kids.

moosimusmaximus — Fri, 24 Sep 2010 02:18:40 GMT

All Your Base Gaming is forming a group to join Sarcastic Gamer's Extra Life charity event.

Extra Life is a 24-hour gaming marathon akin to a walkathon wherein participants find sponsors who will pay a certain rate for the number of hours they contribute to the event. In this case, it's playing video games until your thumbs bleed. All funds raised go directly to the Children's Miracle Network who help raise capital and fund projects for children's hospitals around the world.

All Your Base Gaming is a gaming collective based in San Marcos, Texas. It is better than that lame San Marcos Gamer's Union, because all their base are belong to us.

If you care to join our crusade to help the puny children, please jump over to the All Your Base Gaming website, comment on the posts or in the forums, and sign up for Extra Life!

Puzzle Review: The Square King

moosimusmaximus — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 18:43:00 GMT

I've been a bad boy.

Needing a 'power totem' of sorts for work, I decided that the most defining thing I could use would be a few Rubik's cubes on my desk. The novelty of the cubes to me will never run out, but having them at work make for an interesting conversation starter, and gave my co-workers the ability to 'challenge' me by scrambling the puzzles at random periods when I'm away from my desk.

It's not surprising that in a technical support company full of geeks that there would be one or two cube freaks like me there, but I was lucky enough to have one on my own team who introduced me to a few of his cubes.

Big mistake.

The cube fever set in me again like I hadn't felt since I first solved the original 3x3x3 cube. Madly, over the last few weeks, I've been researching custom cubes and puzzles and purchasing a few items off of eBay.

Okay, more than a few.

...

I'm not going to divulge how much I've spent on cubes.

Instead, I decided I would keep reviews and unboxings on this blog as a resource of what to buy and what to avoid if you are serious about adding decent pieces to your own collection. So, with a whole crap-tonne (it's an industry term) more ado, I bring you the first review:

THE SQUARE KING

The Square King (a Fisher Cube manufactured in Asia with only one color) was one that was owned by the rep on my team who allowed me to play with it for a few days, and I was actually blown away at just how easily the puzzle turned. I took a chance on this offering from eBay user le-gem and after forgetting to pay for the damn thing after I won (stupid new eBay practices), FINALLY got my shipment confirmation and received the puzzle a little under a week from the point of sale.

Box Views

The box design is definitely interesting if you've never seen a Fisher cube before. The front shows a cube that appears to be turned on its diagonal, even though the box is still in it's orthogonal position.

But when you open the box, it looks like a regular cube with a large center piece and two small side pieces.

And when you pull it out...

...it looks like a litle slice of monochrome craziness. For those of you not familiar with transformative puzzles, this is what she looks like when you give her a twist...

...and if you are more daring, a full scramble of the puzzle.

One would think that a monochromatic Rubik's type puzzle would be incredibly easy to solve. And, indeed, matching edges on this transformative puzzle isn't a terrible challenge. People unable to match colors on a traditional cube can solve a generous portion of this cube. But even cube veterans can be presented with a parity error when trying to solve the top layer of the cube. Now, I know what you're thinking:

Parity? In MY Fisher Cube? GTFO.

But it's true. Even in a Fisher Cube with all six sides colored, it is possible to have what seems to be the entire cube solved but one "corner" piece (really an edge considering the angles of rotation) rotated incorrectly in place.

The error in the single colored cube comes from the fact that they are solving by shape, and not by the location of each individual piece. In the end, you have a cube with one point facing outward instead of up, but should colors be applied to all pieces regularly, it would look completely scrambled despite no longer being transformed. A short algorithm can resolve this on a single-colored Fisher Cube, and on a multi-colored it would require soving for centers or corners again.

Another issue that can arise are the center pieces. Because the cube turns along diagonal lines on four of its six "faces" the centers on four sides are what are traditionally called edge pieces. It is possible to solve the cube with one or more of these turned horizontally, or on a multi-colored cube, flipped 180 degrees.

This issue can be solved algorithmically, but even easier, if taken into account at the beginning of a solve, is incredibly easy to prevent from occurring. On multi-color cubes, preventing these parity errors should be simple enough by anyone with a decent method of solving the cube.

This cube was the exact same as the one I had played with weeks prior, and it turns just as easily (sometimes too easily) as I had remembered.The puzzle doesn't corner terribly well, but that's made up for by a fairly sturdy construction that prevents the thing from snapping apart if you twist too hard or quickly in one direction. A simple straightening of the layers allows for the piece to turn easily again. The action is very smooth and is fairly quiet compared to most twisty puzzles in the "ridiculously affordable" range.

The stock stickers are textured which is nice considering how slippery the whole thing feels just due to its action, however they are not of a really great quality. They are better than what come on most commercially available Rubik's Cubes in the US today, but the adhesive wasn't fully affixed to the sheet of material or wears off as some of the stickers can be pulled up in the corner (but not to any degree that would impede solving, also not that it matters on this cube). I'll likely consider getting tile material from CubeSmith to cut my own replacement tiles for this one at some point.

What is a little lacking in the craftsmanship is that the four "center pieces" (flat pieces that are really edges on the four sides that turn diagonaly) have their entire faces pop off randomly as they are just placed into their holes in a less-than-snug fit. I imagine this may have been part or requirement of the assembly process, and could be remedied by a bit of plastic cement or other adhesive, but can be annoying the first time you twist the cube and a tile falls into your lap. This seems to be more of a careless oversight from a mass producer who likely doesn't care about the finished product in the first place.

In all, Fisher Cubes are fun, and this is an affordable (if you pay more than $6 for this, INCLUDING shipping, you're likely being ripped off) and unique addition to anyone's cube collection.

(Note, there is a puzzle branded as a Meffert's single-color Fisher Cube, and the product picture shown looks exactly like the inexpensive version in the above review. This puzzle seems to retail for USD15+. If anyone has one of these, I'd be interested to see what, if any, difference there is between the two(likely none).

Oh, North Korea...

moosimusmaximus — Mon, 16 Aug 2010 05:00:15 GMT

"The military counteraction of the DPRK (Democratic People's Republic of Korea) will be the severest punishment no one has ever met in the world," a spokesman for the General Staff of the Korean People's Army said in a statement carried by North Korea's official news agency.

On Friday, the U.S. and South Korea announced that North Korea needs to learn to speak goddamn English.

(Article)

Obligatory Yearly Entry

moosimusmaximus — Fri, 23 Jul 2010 04:35:05 GMT

After another day of pushing epicurean boundaries to the limit, I've decided to return to the world of LiveJournal to post my exploits. If I can keep interest in it long enough to post another time this week, then I will have succeeded. So, a quiz and challenge for anyone who wants to help, from my very good friends at Very Good Taste.

1) Copy this list into your blog or journal, including these instructions.
2) Bold all the items you’ve eaten.
3) Cross out any items that you would never consider eating.
4) Optional extra: Post a comment here at www.verygoodtaste.co.uk linking to your results.

The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred:

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile¹
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper²
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters³
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects⁴
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads⁵
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini⁶
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare⁷
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse⁸
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

¹ I've had alligator, but never crocodile. Not one to cheat, I'll leave this unmarked.
² I've had a burger with Naga Jolokia's all over it. I was only able to take one bite, but I did it. I'm up for this "challenge."
³ I've only had fried oysters, but those are still oysters. Someone take me to an oyster bar, I'll try 'em however the hell you guys eat them.
⁴ Okay. I'll cheat a little. I've had ants. They're insects. Hahaha. I win.
⁵ These aren't what you think if you've led a sheltered epicurean life. Calf pancreas. Yum. *throws up*
⁶ Caviar, da. Blini, nyet.
⁷ Hare as in rabbit, yes. Ha-re... I don't even know if that's food, so I'll assume it's the former.
⁸ This may be the only thing keeping me from hitting 100. I, thus far, have refused to eat horse out of principle. I love the animals too much. Not that I've ever had the opportunity to eat horse...

Well, what have you guys eaten?

Ph'nglui mglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn

moosimusmaximus — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 05:02:17 GMT

Board Game Review

Arkham Horror, Pt. 1 - Equipment

I first heard of Arkham Horror from llamachan and almost immediately ordered it. Amazon and SCS Collectibles did not go to any extra trouble to have the package sent to me on the earlier part of the shipping estimate. Rather, it seems that they may have gone out of their way just to make sure it landed on my door just moments before I would have picked up the phone to ask where the hell my damn game was. Nevertheless, it arrived, in all of it's Lovecraftian glory.

To be quite honest, I was impressed from the moment I opened the package from the USPS. The material of the box itself was a pleasure to feel, and the graphics on the box delivered. The story is detailed perfectly on the front. Evil crap is trying to kill you, and you and your 1920's era compatriots need to represent. There is no need to flip the box over to read what the publishers say the point of the game is.

Well, I captured it for you anyway.

Contents Detail | Description Detail

Fantasy Flight Games spared no expense on the manual itselft. The booklet is the size of the box itself: 24 pages of full color illustrations and in-depth game details which make extensive use of yellow ink. Really extensive use of it.

Whilst I was browsing the manual, the cat took it upon himself to explore the horrors of the ancient ones...

...and sleep amongst them. Rule number one, dear cat: DO NOT TAUNT THE ANCIENT ONES.

Rule Number two: DO NOT DESTROY THEIR HOME. SRSLY. Not two minutes after this happened did Cthulhu's revenge manifest itself in the physical realm. The cat violently lost one of his rear claws. Well, not so much violently as hillariously as it just flew off of his foot and struck the strings of my guitar. We were both pretty startled by it.

Damned alien beings.

Anywho, you guys probably want to see something a little sexier than the rules and feeler-faced monsters. How about some CARDBOARD COUNTERS?

Left | Right

Left | Right

And here are the counters punched out.

Huh, what are those there in blue?

Those are brains counters! It's another zombie game! Fantasy Flight calls them "Sanity Tokens," but we know better.

Okay, enough foreplay. The game board.

Detail: Upper | Middle | Lower

And here are the cards for the characters and ancient ones, neatly bound by the security strap that wasn't anywhere near the stack of cards in the box. At least it has the inspection sticker on it, to show that at the very least, the folks at Fantasy Flight Games take the adhesive on their wrappers seriously.

Like all good games, it comes with smoking hot protagonists…

…and jerks who look like bumbling idiots.

The game comes with 16 character sheets with which the different traits and abilities add another level of complexity to the game. And by complexity, I mean that the game will still destroy you brutally, but perhaps in a new and totally clever manner.

Our brave cast

standing on Yog-Sothoth and Nyarlotep. They're just asking for trouble, aren't they?

Each character also comes with a snippet of backstory, adding to the role playing possibilities with the game (though the game itself is strictly rolling dice and dying).

What's that noise? Look, up in the sky! It's a bird! It's a plane! Wait... what the crap is that? I don't know, but I don't think I'm going to like it.

The coolest part of the game? The fucking Ancient ones. Beautifully illustrated, and ready to completely fuck your shit up, the game details that one of the allowed victory conditions is to defeat the Ancient One after it has completely awoken, preventing the destruction of the town and the world.

Defeat the Ancient One? That's like saying the game is cancer, and waiting until it has metastasized throughout your body, culminated in end-stage, terminal breakdown of your bodily functions before considering radiation therapy. It's just too brutal. I wouldn't want to try taking the game that far. Old Ones sheets ahead:

Shub-Niggurath and Hastur | Yig and Nyarlathotep
Ithaqua and Yog-Sothoth | Cthulhu | Azathoth

If you thought there were a bunch of counters to this game, wait until you see the number of cards.

Yup. A whole crap-tonne. The game would like for you to believe that magical spells and elder signs are important when fighting the terrifying reality of our existence, but I found the two cards that will always win the game.

These items are also useful in the event that mutated super soldiers survive in a post-apocalyptic nuclear holocaust, during a zombie invasion, or when at a town hall meeting with the President in attendance.

There are plenty of other cards in the game designed to really screw with you, inviting all sorts of nasties to join you on the board, or globally screwing everyone. In the end, it's still just a maddening good time.

Coming soon, Part Two - Solo Play Session

Not like that, pervs.

Food service

moosimusmaximus — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 22:19:29 GMT

Dear Taco Bell,

A black taco. Really? STFU.

Sincerely,
A Severely Annoyed Brown Person

http://www.grubgrade.com/2009/10/08/food-news-new-89-cent-black-jack-taco-from-taco-bell/

Customer Service

moosimusmaximus — Sat, 10 Oct 2009 16:04:07 GMT

Dear Uneetee,

I have been owed a free T-shirt from your website since at least March. Please to send shirt.

Thanks,
Moose

moosimusmaximus — Tue, 06 Oct 2009 12:12:42 GMT

Dear mothers,

Fuck your placenta.

Wait, don't listen to me. You might take what I say literally.

http://www.inhabitots.com/2009/10/01/doing-it-for-the-kids-design-exhibition-placenta-teddy-bear/

Full of fail and Natty Light

moosimusmaximus — Mon, 05 Oct 2009 02:04:15 GMT

I'd like to thank the college students who promote the economy in this town by descending upon the city in droves, congesting traffic, littering the city, and making it impossible to visit any business establishment without having to crowd into the stores bumping elbows with all of you. Clearly, we need you.

I truly enjoy spending my time driving, watching nervously from all directions in case you decide to nearly run me off the road because you can't use your rear and side-view mirrors. The sheer terror from having to drive in town with you—especially as you scream down Sessoms, drunk and stoned, at night— is far greater than any thrill ride or horror movie I've experienced in my life.

But, please, explain to me one thing, stupid blondie (you know who you are): Why would you not put your groceries on the conveyor belt while in line to check out?

Okay, I know, I know, it's something minor that really isn't that important, right?

STFU. Stop and think about it. It's Sunday night, between the god damn football games. The place is packed. There are HUNDREDS of people who are starting to line up to check out. We are all placing our items on the conveyor so that it will be easy for the checkout attendant to note each individual transaction to be made and expedite the checkout process.

So why would you hold your items in your hand?

I can understand that MAYBE since you were the next one and it wasn't so many that there wasn't an immediate need when you first got in line. But now there are people behind you. People behind you with multiple baskets who NEED to unload them. And we'll be happy to do it on our section of the conveyor. Just use the more than ample space we've left for you to place your own items.

Did you see the little dividers you can use? Of course you did, you watched us as we grabbed one from RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU so that we could separate our purchase from yours. Just put your groceries down. Put them down so the clerk will know that you have a purchase and it's not the massive wall of groceries that are on the belt. Put it down.

Put them down.

Okay, see what just happened? That is what we like to call "FAIL." It's an industry term. It refers to how you could have avoided this whole conversation with the clerk explaining how the items on the conveyor are not yours. You could have avoided the exasperated looks of the people behind you and the bagger in front of you as you try to show the clerk your items before he scans the first one on the belt. Oops, too late. Now you've really gone and fucked things up, haven't you? Now, as the clerk is voiding the item out and taking yours, let's get back to the original question:

Why the hell would you not put your groceries on the conveyor belt?

Could it be that your precious fucking mini-tarts would be too fragile to sit on the hard surface of the conveyor? No, that's not right. If that were true you wouldn't be holding it with TWO OBVIOUSLY HEAVIER BOXES ABOVE IT. You're so god-damned stupid you don't even realize you're ruining things you haven't even paid for yet. Is there something magical about the Buitoni frozen Rigatoni in your hand that can't be tainted by the conveyor? That can't be it, the items are placed on a similar conveyor after scanning. And what is that third box in your hand? It better not be a box of Stupid Flakes, you obviously had a double serving this morning.

What the hell did you want to accomplish by holding these things in your hand? You are nothing more than a giant waste of space and time in the lives of everyone around you. You are absolutely useless to society. You are a black hole of productivity, from which the contributing good of human kind cannot escape once it has passed your event horizon.

And they let you go to college?

Shit, you could breed one day! That's what's most frightening to me. Not that my generation is doomed to fail because of an absolute disregard for common sense by most of it's members, but because these idiots are going to raise smaller, more stuck up versions of themselves.

And you, stupid fucking bagger girl. I don't give a god damn if your four best college friends just stopped by and wanted to talk with you. You're a god damned employee, get back to work, or at the very least, get the HELL OUT OF THE WAY OF PATRONS WHO ARE TRYING TO LEAVE THE STORE. You guys are so ridiculously thin because you try to match the waist sizes of the models in the ads of Glamour and Vogue, so why the hell must you take up the entire 8-foot aisle to converse with each other? Go throw up in the bathroom together, at least, so we don't have to deal with you.

Or better yet, just get the fuck out of my town.

A letter

moosimusmaximus — Thu, 10 Sep 2009 23:48:58 GMT

Dear Facebook,

I have not been to your site in years. I did not reactivate my account with your site. I do not wish to EVER return to your site. Please stop sending me notices that my account has been reactivated and people are asking me to be their friends. I want absolutely nothing to do with your website.

Piss off,
Moose.