(x-posted)

Damn it all...I should've listened to her.  She wanted to come with me, but I told her no.  She told me to get the hell out of that alley, but I lingered.  She was right...she was so right.

Am I blind?  Why did I pause?  How could I let this happen?  There's only one answer: it's my own damn fault.  This whole fucking mess is all thanks to me.

I feel like shit.  Why Mister Lee doesn't kill me, devour me alive, spill my innards, or subject me to DNA tests or whatever the hell he does....I don't know.  He just keeps at it...the pain, the punishment...He wants to know where Amaya is?...where the other hanyous on his "wish list" are?...He wants to find Kazu?  I don't know.

All I know is that I'm not telling him anything, and for that I've already been beaten within an inch of death.  Dammit, why can't i be stronger? Why can't I kill this bastard, make him pay for what he's done to my family...what he's done to so many innocent people.

But I'm not.  I'm weak...i'm insignificant.  I'm nothing more than a shadow--a shadow being manipulated by a master puppeteer.  I can't even save Amaya from walking right into a trap--I know that's all that I am--bait...all i'm good for--and when he's done with me, what then? Will he finally kill me?  I'm dying inside already, and to see Amaya taken...I would have no reason to live.

Kami-sama...where are you?  Why can't you hear me?  Why won't you end this misery?

is there anyone out there?