why?

today I realized that I don't have very many solid friends here.
in fact, I sat up on the stage today, trying to not cry while I was drumming.
I only have two, maybe three guys who I would consider good friends.
and I can't think of a single girl who I have a half-decent friendship with here.
sure, I have lots of acquaintances at church.
I'll shake their hand, pound their fist, slap their back and say hi.
sometimes I'll give them a hand hug, because hand hugs are the best.
but when it comes down to it, they know nothing about me, and I know nothing of them.
we just smile, ask how we are [the answer is always "good"], and move on.
it's all so superficial and fake, and it makes me wonder where the blame lies.
because it's not like I'm not trying to develop deeper friendships with people.
but it would seem to me that, aside from two or three, they're all just acquaintances.
and what makes me wonder even more is, I go out of my way to talk to people.
I do my very best to try to say hi to everyone, or at least to acknowledge them.
yet I can stand there for five, ten, fifteen minutes... and no one will say hi to me.
I'm not exaggerating; I've tried it. numerous times.
beyond that, some who I try to get to know show me they'd rather I didn't.
is there something wrong with me? am I that revolting and disgusting to people?
it's not like I'm not friendly or not outgoing. I try to be as friendly as I can.
so what is it that keeps me from developing any friendships that matter?
aside from two or three people, it feels like everyone else just puts up with me.
and that's probably only because it's extremely rude to ignore people.
today is supposed to be a happy day... a day of giving thanks.
but all I feel like doing right now is curling up under a blanket and crying.
it feels like I got punched in the gut, and had the air knocked out of me.
and my heart aches. not just figuratively... it physically hurts, and burns.
I'm not angry with anyone in particular, and I'm not pointing fingers.
but shouldn't the body of Christ look a little different than this?
maybe it's just me, but shouldn't we be free from the cliques and relational politics?
shouldn't the love that we claim we walk in make a difference in how we treat each other?
shouldn't someone who makes the effort to try to talk with people not feel so alone in the crowd?
or am I just imagining things? am I just expecting too much?
whatever the case, I'm not feeling it. at all.
everyone has their group of friends, and they all get along just great.
they laugh and joke and goof around, and then put up with me when I try to join in.
but when the rubber meets the road, they give the impression that they'd rather I wasn't there.
like I'm cramping their style or like I just don't belong.
why is it that someone like me can have so many solid friends all over the continent...
...friends who will challenge me and encourage me and push me to grow...
...yet so very, very few real friends at home or at church?
why is it that the more I try to be friendly and invest in people, the more I feel like an annoyance?
is there something that I'm doing that's driving people away in droves?
am I just blind to some personality quirk that no one's brave enough to tell me about?
or is my church just full of fake, snotty people, enjoying their time in their cliques?
I don't have a clique. I don't have a group of friends that I hang out with regularly.
why? because I try to hang out with as many people as I can.
maybe I'm just being a grouch and throwing myself a pity party.
but it seems I'm the only one who would throw me a party anyway.
this is what makes me miss so many of my real friends... my trenchmates.
this is why I work my ass off [pardon the french] to stay in touch with them.
because they're real friends. they're Brothers and Sisters unlike anything around. they're Family.
it used to feel that way at church. it used to feel like we were one big family.
but lately it's begun feeling like a big club, and I can't seem to find my ID to get in.
and for all the patting ourselves on the back and congratulating ourselves that we do,
you'd think we'd be better at making people feel valued, instead of making them feel revolting.
I realize that this isn't the church's problem; it's peoples' problems.
please don't read into it that I'm somehow blaming the church itself, because I'm not.
I love my church, and I love what it stands for and what it does.
but somehow it's gone from being a place where I felt I belonged to a place where I feel alone.
it feels like I could turn on a drum machine and no one would notice I wasn't there.
honestly, I think that's the only thing that people notice about me... I'm the drummer.
I come back from my summers, and I hear it over and over.
"hey! glad you're back! we missed your drumming."
gee, thanks. maybe I should just record myself, so they wouldn't miss anything.
I'm not saying I'm not appreciative when people compliment my drumming or anything.
but it comes across like all they missed was my drumming, not me.
sure, some might ask how it went. but probably 85% ask out of obligation, not interest.
I'm not writing because I want people to feel sorry for me, or to suck up to me. I don't.
I'm not writing it because I have a vendetta, or because I want attention.
in fact, I'd rather I was able to write it and just hide it, but God won't let me.
I just need to get it off my chest. the tears can only do so much.
I dunno. maybe I'm just selfish [probably], and maybe I'm just too sensitive.
but my heart hurts, and I'm at a loss for what to do.
I just wish the heartache would stop.
I just wish I had real friends.