Lolita's · Ground

July 27th 2002

ummm ok well this is my first entry i hope this thing was'nt a bad idea, i'm not really sure how this whole online journal thing works hopefully i won't let out too many secrets

August 5th, 2002 at 3:39 in the morning

Jessssica2: (to the tune of "I am so great")
I'm still awake
I'm still awake
I'll hafta sleep all day
'Cuz I'm still awake

GenieIsGreat: to the same tune
dont u have work
dont u have work
someones gonna be cranky
cranky someones gonna be
Jessssica2: i'm always a bitch
i'm always a bitch
it doesn't really matter
slep deprived i am

GenieIsGreat: this i already know
this i already know
tell me something new
something new to tell

Jessssica2: i need to fall asleep
i need to fall asleep
impossible it is
sleeping will not work

GenieIsGreat: try some drugs
try some drugs
that will do the trick
the trick it will do
new verse:add some booze
August 8th, 2002 3:30 in the morning

Did you ever realize that ice when dropped on a tile floor has a sound similar to glass being dropped on a tile floor?
Yeah its pretty late sleepy time...
August 14th, 2002
Noises Off is a freat broadway play i give it two thumbs up (which is a rarity for me cause i like to complain) anyone who hasnt seen it should do so...Immediately! why are you still reading this go see the play right now!!!! Now Damn you, NOW!!!!!!!!!!Ok im finished
August 17th, 2002

When I first started this journal i expected it to become the faithful record of my life that was my former journal but like in other parts of my life i was afraid to let out my thoughts and emotions onto such a broad based scale that is the internet it is quite different from a notebook, but now with college approaching quicker than i ever could have imagined i feel like i need to record what turns my life is going to take and how i'm going to deal with these turns. Some will be good and some bad like everything else in life there will probably be no happy medium and when the bad comes it will come in excess this will never change. I can't be sure of how i feel right now... I'm alone in my house waiting for Allon to call and part of me wants to cry, has wanted to cry for so long, maybe its because ive ignored my fears or maybe its because i hav'nt cried in a long time and i just need to. whatever the case may be i feel alone and this feeling is scary i've realized that most of our lives are based on that single fear. We maintain failing friendships, as well as failing relationships, due to the fear of ending up alone in the world. Marriage, children, sex, phones, computers, these are all ways to avoid soiltude they are all ways to escape from oneself some are more drastic than others and some have much more permanent effects. I am anxious all the time as if im waiting for something terrible to happen there are times when i want to run from a room screaming or slam down a phone while in the middle of a conversation i dont know why i feel this way its not during a fight most of the time everything seems ok. I think im going crazy if im not already there and i hope college wont be the ruin of my already shattered existence....

August 21st, 2002 2:30 in the morning

ONWARD....TO COLLEGE!!!
I AM READY IT'S MY REBIRTH,
I feel like I'm dying
I am reborn tomorrow,
Maybe as somebody completely different...
Current Mood: READY
Current Music: SHERYL CROW EVERYDAY IS A WINDING ROAD

September 11th, 2002

You're so sweet you give me diabeties!!!

October 8th, 2002
A mime is a terrible thing to waste...

The Sound Track to My Life

Age: Year: Band- Title


4: 1989: Little Eva- The Locomotion

5: 1990: The Miracles- Shop Around

6: 1991: Elvis- I Can’t Help Falling With You

7: 1992: Color me Badd- All 4 Love

8: 1993: Madonna- Material Girl

9: 1994: Green Day- When I Come Around

10: 1995: Sheryl Crow- Strong Enough

11: 1996: Ace of Base- Beautiful Life

12: 1997: Gin Blossoms- Hey Jealously

12: 1997: Less Than Jake- Drunk and Sitting

13: 1998: Nirvana- Lithium

14: 1999: Metallica- For Whom The Bello Tolls

15: 2000: Tori Amos- Happy Phantom

16: 2001: Veruca Salt- With David Bowie

17: 2002: Tool- Eulogy

18: 2003: Belle and Sebastian- I Fought in A War

19: 2004: The Bouncing Souls- Quick Check Girl

20: 2005: Dire Straits- Walk of Life

21: 2006: OkGo- Here It Goes Again

22: 2007: Clap Your Hands Say Yeah- The Skin of My Yellow County Teeth

23: 2008: Mc Lars- iGeneration

On Choosing a Graduate School: A Dialogue
Sean at 9:34 am, April 15th, 2008

A: Hey, what’s up? You’re looking a little anxious these days.

B: I know. We’re getting close to the romance deadline.

A: The romance deadline?

B: Yeah, in a couple of days I have to decide who I’ll be going out with for the next five years or so.

A: Oh, right, I forgot. Have you decided between boyfriend and girlfriend?

B: I’ve thought about it a lot, and I definitely want a girlfriend.

A: That’s cool. But don’t you worry that the standards are higher if you say you want a girlfriend? I’ve heard that boyfriends are much easier.

B: I heard that, too. But girls are what I’m really passionate about.

A: Couldn’t you just get a boyfriend first, and then switch if you don’t like it?

B: Some people try that, but it can be awkward. Better to just be honest about your intentions from the start.

A: Fair enough. So did you get any acceptances?

B: Yeah, two different women have agreed to date me. Cindy and Alyssa. But I have to choose one.

A: Hey, that’s great that you go two offers. Have you made a choice yet?

B: Well, I had coffee with Alyssa, and we really hit it off — she’s beautiful, and charming, and laughed at my jokes. I definitely think we would get along well over the next few years. I met Cindy, too; she’s a knockout, and clearly very talented, but there wasn’t as much of a spark there.

A: That can happen. So are you going to choose Alyssa?

B: I’m tempted, but the thing is — Cindy’s US News ranking is much higher.

A: Her what?

B: Every year, US News puts out rankings of boyfriends and girlfriends. Now, Alyssa is a solid top-20 girlfriend, but Cindy is top five! I’m really worried I’d be making a mistake by passing up the opportunity to go out with Cindy. Everyone has heard of her.

A: That sounds a little weird to me. How do they come up with these rankings?

B: Nobody knows, really. But everyone takes them very seriously. Still, I keep hoping that the NRC will update their boyfriend/girlfriend rankings soon. Those are supposed to be much more scientific.

A: NRC?

B: The National Romance Council.

A: But look, you seem to have really hit it off with Alyssa. Who cares that US News ranks Cindy higher? The concept of a “boyfriend/girlfriend ranking” just doesn’t make sense — what matters is how well you personally get along with them, not some pseudo-objective measure of excellence.

B: It’s easy to say that, but this is a big decision. I’m really worried that, ten years from now when I’m ready to get married, my prospective spouse is not going to be nearly as impressed that I went out with Alyssa than if I had gone out with Cindy.

A: Come on, it’s five years of your life that we’re talking about here. Your chances of eventually being happily married would seem to be a lot better if you choose someone you’re likely to be happy with right now.

B: You’re right, I know. Well, I hope Cindy won’t be disappointed. I don’t think she’s used to being turned down.

A: Don’t worry. I’m pretty sure she’ll get over it.

I keep asking myself why do I post in here anymore?

I don't know.

To those four or so people who read this thinger,

I am going to a Ph.D. program in the fall. I will be living in Boston--I might even own a house with a friend of mine, imagine that?

Genie Giaimo: Land Owner!

I will be leaving Worcester, it's been a great six going on seven years... Has it already been that long??

Oh and my laptop- from 2002-Has finally kicked the bucket so I guess I will get a new one. I bet it will cost less than half of the first one, oh technology...

It's been a while, hasnt it, lj?

So when did this thing become facebook anyway?

In the last day and a half i have had a five state drive, much like an LTJ song that repeats in my head whenever I start out on a long trip somewhere.

I don't know why Im posting here, been trolling around looking at the entries of old friends, some new, some that have not changed since the last time I checked in months ago.

I guess I just want to put my words out somewhere, I'm here. ANd the new year has brought a lot of changes.

We'll see what more we can scare up in the months to come...

cryptic? Not really, nostalgic to be posting here, perhaps.

<3

Greentings!

Today's post is brought to you by the letter A and the number 4- It is filmed lived in front of a studio audience at the American Antiquarian Society in Worcester MA.

I am doing primary source research for the last paper of my graduate career at Clark. Yesterday I finished my last class and although it was rather anti-climatic it now will have nostalgic credit. I am three papers away from a Masters degree. It is terrifying to think that in less than 19 days I will be done. I don't know how much of this I would like to post in here. I feel like many people don't read this and I guess I also have out grown the need to post trials and tribulations of my life on a blog. But I do want to leave off on something that I think many of my friends have dealt with and then after that maybe this will become a place to only record my activities or that I am alive and in a specific location.

So for now here is my last in depth update for a while.

I think the issues most of my friends dealt with at the end of last year are only now becoming issues for me. I have defined my life as a student for so long that the prospect of not being in school is a scary and almost unreal one. Univeristy of WA accepted me into the PhD program Yeah great right? WRONG. They did not offer me any money and as a result of that little wrench in the works I could potentially incur large amounts of debt over the next few years should I choose to accept their offer.

So I have decided to take a year maybe even more off (GASP!) I think this is not only the hardest decision that I have ever had to make but also the most unpredicatable. I am worried I will lose sight of my goals, become a working stiff, sell out for money- the usual anxieties for a student who has had many enjoyable and rewarding professional experiences, I imagine.

This summer is very full- I have three classes I will teach- one at Clark and two at Becker college, another local place. ALong with this I will also babysit starting June 17th. The issues arise when I think about September 1st and my life from then to the May or June after that. I'm going to be 23 and I still feel like my life has not begun, not that I am really complaining about that.

So anyway I have decided that if I can do it I will take a trip somewhere- visit some friends have a change. I will also hopefully go camping for the first time in my life this summer.

I want to say to all my friends who are leaving and who have left and who I dont see often that I miss you and think about you often- I don't see myself having the vibrant social life I had in college and grad school without those institutions feeding me people. I suppose I can tell you about how lonely I have felt lately, or how frustrated with myself I have become over issues that can be defined as nothing less than romantically inclined. I can also tell you I have decided to work towards a refashioning of self that centers on me in such a way where I am ok with being alone.

I feel a lot lately like I am unable to reign in my emotions. As a result of these feelings of no control I think I have become more neurotic if that is possible.

Ok so some good things to balance this crap storm:
Katja arrives May 10th
Nate Arrives May 19th
Amanda arrives sometime right before graduation
I got an article published
I am a paper away from finishing my Masters degree
I <3 primary document research
It's lovely outside and I think I might go for a bike ride later
I have job plans however short lived those plans might be
I am the walrus... ok no I'm not but maybe that is a good thing too!


So with that I leave you lj for a while, perhaps less of a long while than what I think right now but perhaps for a longer while even still

To all the people out there that read this- thanks.

I don't know exactly why I am posting in here. Lj has just not been as cool lately as it used to be but I can't seem to disconnect myself completely from this mode of communication.

Either way I guess it is cold outside and I am on break and don't want to do anything productive.

LIfe has been moving at a rapid pace. I recognized this at first when winter break ended. I knew that it would be May before I could come to grips with it. But the cold weather has staved off my immediate sense of doom and end. But that end is coming as I have recognized from beginning work on my final papers and finishing the first full draft of my MA thesis. Although there is still a lot to be done on both of those fronts the end is really in sight now.

This summer I might be up in MA teaching a COPACE course. Anyone who has money and likes det. crime fiction and would want to see me teaching a class hould sign up- this way I will have a job that pays me money that does not suck .


Babysitting goes well- money in hand is nice and watching disney movies really is not so bad. I won't complain on that front.

Friends are friends are friends: could I be more explicit, perhaps, do I want to be? Not really right now. Suffice it to say we are scattering and that might not be as awful a thing as I initially thought. I just hope I don't lose my network as a result of laziness.

I'll be back in Worcester on Thursday. I will begin work in earnest somewhere around SUnday. ANd then at the end of March I will defend my thesis- excited? I am.

before the end of this year (i.e. May) I would like to:

have another wine and cheese party
cook lots more interesting food
go rock wall climbing
dance salsa
read all the books that I bought at second hand book stores
go to Vermont or somewhere new
regain the passion for life that seems to be fading inside me
make my damn cork board
bike ride as much as is humanly possible


And now for an interesting and totally unrelated convo with Ben:
ben0108816: sweet
Genie Is Great: meh
Genie Is Great: i wish I was in cyprus
ben0108816: uhm
ben0108816: why?
Genie Is Great: because it is probably warmer
Genie Is Great: and it is somewhere unfamiliar
ben0108816: and has an ongoing history of simmering ethnic hatred
Genie Is Great: ...
ben0108816: ()o)
ben0108816: im here to depress you
Genie Is Great: well I guess you are good at what you do
ben0108816: heh
ben0108816: you should go somewhere with less ethnic strife
ben0108816: like norway
ben0108816: or the karahkuil islands
Genie Is Great: norway is cold due
Genie Is Great: dude
Genie Is Great: and i dontknow where those islands are
ben0108816: they contain the most northerly currerntly settles human settlement
ben0108816: off the north coast of siberia
Genie Is Great: ewww
ben0108816: lol
Genie Is Great: that's why there is little strife
Genie Is Great: too cold to go outside and fight
Genie Is Great: or ethnic cleanse
ben0108816: "hey bob"
ben0108816: "yeah dan?"
ben0108816: "wanna go ethnic cleanse today"
ben0108816: "well kinda, but its just so cold!"
Genie Is Great: haha
ben0108816: "its always cold! i wanna ethnic cleanse!"
ben0108816: "look, last time we tried to ethnic cleanse we got down to akmed's corner store and just turned around, and you still lost a finger to frostbite"
ben0108816: "i know..."
Genie Is Great: haha
ben0108816: "look, just watch gilligan."
ben0108816: "ok"
Genie Is Great: but come the warm month
Genie Is Great: note month*
Genie Is Great: we'll have a ball
Genie Is Great: killing those who are different from us!
ben0108816: horray!
Genie Is Great: this is going on lj


<3