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September 15th, 2005
07:36 pm - ...so why dont you kill me
welp, stephi wont update, so i will!
school is goin ok. my teachers are ok. some of the work is harder than im used to, but ill do it. i really miss seeing stephi all the time. i dont think she does though, and i guess thats ok. its just really hard, casue my mind keeps going off on long tangents if the slightest thing seems wrong. like today i havent heard from her, so im pretty sure shes injured, cheating on me, or is tired of me and dosent wanna see me ever again. i keep flipping out, like every five minutes, everyday, over things that should be nothing. and i have to keep reminding myself that im probably a dramatic teenager, and none of this is happening. lol its like im constantly arguing with myself:
"she still loves me", "oh yeah, then why hasnt she kissed you like she used to in forever?" "i dunno, theres proly a logical explanation though, like acid spit", "acid spit? are you serious?", "no dumbass i was joking, she proly hasnt even thought anything about it","well, why not?", "hell if i know", "your her boyfriend , you're supposed to know", "welp, i dont know"..."she hasnt called you either, and she didnt pick you up from school", "so? shes doin something, and hasnt had time to get in touch with me", "yeah or shes cheating on you, or shes seriously hurt", "dont say that.", "oh i said it beyotch!"
my dads gettin marries october 1st. im goin to va this weekend, im goin to d.c. next weekend. i have new psuedo-friends at school. um...home coming is sometime, but im not going. i havent finished my homework yet.
im such a loser...haha
SSSOOOOOYYYYY UUUUUUNNNNN PEERRRDDDDEEEDDDOOORRR
im a loser baby....
Current Music: bored to death-government issue
Current Mood:  nervous
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August 27th, 2005
09:40 pm
yup, im just sittin arond my dad's house. pretty bored, stephi's been to college w/ allison, and now shes back. i missed her so much..i still do. she has to work almost all the time, but i understand it. its good for her, she seems happier, and much more confident. so it makes me happy. my dad is avoiing getting me car insurance...(btw i got my liscence) i figured out how "they" getyou to get a job...all your friends get jobs...then you need one so you dont feel so poor and lonely. so for all my bitchin and quoting "evasion" an my brilliant ideals about the 9-5...i will most likely get a job, and i hate it, cause i still dont fully like the idea of a job ya know. sometimes i just start thinking...like te 4 min. it will spend me to type this. what i could have done. i coulda gone for a walk. or planted something. in one minute, i could do so much, or so many different things. and when i think about how many of those minutes of m life im gona spend workin for someone else....it pretty depresing. all he experienes i could have in tha time...its nuts! bu whatever, im gonna have to let all of that go. at least for a while. especially if i want to continue to have stephi in my life, cause i dont think she'd stay with me if i wasnt working and all that stuff. school's still sucky. i alwasy thinkit will be diferent each year i go back, think im gonna make a diference, and i never do...funniest question ive gtten this year..."so...that straihtedge thing.....whts up with that?" lol...i can never dome up withthe righ answer o that. i alwasy want to say strength, but thats not all, it strenth, health, love for the people i care about, and a sense of family. it not the best music, half the kids are scenster pricks...but we all share a common ideal. when i went to that DTN show, it didnt smell like smoke, there wre no sluty girls, and i wasnt gettin slmed into by some fat drunk. its just pure...feeling. SXE alows me to feel everything, full force, i eel sadness and happiness, and its never dulled. its sharp. im sharp. *wink*
Current Music: none...this is a deaf household cheif, no stereo here!
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August 22nd, 2005
04:03 pm - thinking.....
It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then-- to loosen up.
Inevitably, though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true. Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself. I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to
the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" Things weren't going so great at home either. One evening I had turned off the TV and asked my husband about the meaning of life. He spent that night at his mother's. I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in....He said, "Shirley, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the
job, you'll have to find another job." This gave me a lot to think about. I went home early
after my conversation with the boss. "Honey," I confessed, "I've been thinking--". "I know you've been thinking," he said, "and I want a divorce!" "But honey, surely it's not that serious." "It is serious," he said, lower lip aquiver. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open. The library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground, clawing at the
unfeeling glass, whimpering Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye. "Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked. You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard
Thinker's Anonymous poster. Which is why I am what I am today: A recovering thinker. I
never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting, we watch a noneducational video; last
week it was “Dumb and Dumber." Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home. Life just seemed . . . easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.
Soon, I will be able to vote Republican.
Current Mood:  bored
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August 13th, 2005
10:29 pm
a really good kiss is the perfect way to end a day
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August 9th, 2005
09:17 pm
somethings are meant to be
:)
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August 7th, 2005
11:35 pm - The hurt feels like murder...fuck you lucy
"Fuck you lucy for leaving me
"Fuck you lucy for not needin me
I wanna say fuck you
Because i still love you
No, im not ok
And I dont know what to do
I wanna scream Fuck you Lucy
But the problem is i love you Lucy
So instead
Ima finish my drink,and have another
While you think about how you used to be my lover"
-ATMOSPHERE, fuck you lucy
wow...thats a sad song....you should all listen to it. (as i pretend someone reads this shit)
yup, not feelin any better. but i hide it well. :)
if sxe is family...they're very distant cousins...i saw a rattlesnake....it was posing as a stick....oh, and stephi, i got you another sugar packet...its a twofer! my garden is boring. im...something...i domnt know...bored/ lonely....noone here....welp...thats all...
Current Music: fuck you lucy-atmosphere
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09:34 pm
"I choose to stay away
Because I want to keep control
My head is thinking straight
But my heart says explode
The thought of someone else
Is much too much
And friendship means
You're just beyond my touch"
-JUDGE
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August 4th, 2005
02:46 pm
I choose to stay away
Because I want to keep control
My head is thinking straight
But my heart says explode
The thought of someone else
Is much too much
And friendship means
You're just beyond my touch
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August 3rd, 2005
08:24 pm
ill never grow up....
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August 2nd, 2005
10:38 pm
lalala i wanna update, but i dont really have anything interesting to say. my dad and cindy got their house...so thats cool. i dont know why i write in here...the only person that reads it is stephi, and she knows pretty much everything i have to say anyway. im watchin stella. my house is all edgy due to everyone moving about.things with stephi are shakey..i think...i dont know whats going on, but im not sure anyone does. i hope things all go ok, and its not too serious. i think she just wants to be grown up, and be on her own, without commitments or connections to people. and i qualify as both a commitment and a human connection...hopefully stephi wont completely leave me, but im not going to worry about it to hard, cause i know that we're meant to be together.
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