The · Times · and · Trials · of · NaughtyJ

I thought you were wonderful when we first met. I had know idea what mental problems you held inside and covered up. Until that one day when we were on our way to the beach and out of the blue you asked me "Would you still love me if I shaved my head?" and sarcastically I said "Can I think about it", and I chuckled, thinking you were joking. You didn't talk to me for the rest of the fucking day! From that point on you changed. You were on top of the world, and a few minutes later you were so down, yelling at me and saying you wanted to kill yourself.

For the last THREE fucking years you have been up and down. We've broken up more times than I can count. You read all of my fucking emails and found things from other girls when we WERE NOT TOGETHER and you got pissed off at me. You invaded my space, you stalked me online, then you yelled at me that I didn't love you and that I never loved you.

I took off work to drive to Philly and take you to a mental hospital because you said you wanted to kill yourself because I was going snowboarding with my friend for a few hours before coming to visit you. Then the next day you were cheerful and acted like nothing ever happened. Only once during the last few years did I know you to even try to take any medication for your fucking issues. And now you say that you don't have any problems and that you don't need medication.

Normal people don't call constantly to ask the same shit over and over again. I'm talking 20 times within an an hour. And when I ask you to stop you just continue. If you think I'm such a horrible person for sleeping with someone WHEN WE WEREN'T TOGETHER, then why the fuck are you bothering to call me?! And when I stop answering my phone you start sending me text messages until my phone is full! FUCK YOU! That's why I called the fucking police last night to let you know that it's NOT OK to fucking harrass me like that. When I say stop, I mean stop. The next time you pull that shit I'm filing charges you fucking bitch! Now I hope you seek some fucking help.

You said that the only memories I had of us were the bad ones. What the fuck?! After I just got done telling you I remember the good and the bad and that it's been a crazy rollercoaster. And all I ever hear from you is how much you hate me or how much of a bad person you think I am. You never say anything nice about me, and you wonder why I try to push you away?!

Some of the HUNDREDS of text messages you sent me...

"I seriously think you get off on hurting me."

"And my last impression of you" well, not much different from the first"

"For your sake, I hope I die. You told me to kill myself a year ago. I can't think of a better place to die. Thanks for the warming goodbyes. I'll remember."

"even my own mother told me to kill myself a few days ago. so it sounds like that's the wish for everyone who I THOUGHT cared about me."

"so when I don't come back, make sure that you get to see my letter. There's a part in there for you, too."

"I was only wishing for a little bit of hope that someone still cared. It's non-existent."

"goodbye"

Alright, you're off to Costa Rica for a month. Finally some peace and quiet for me because I know you can't access your cell phone AND I hope that the police officer talked to you last night and told you that the next time you try to harrass me like that he will press charges against you.

As for you killing yourself... what a fucking bit of drama... all you want is attention. I'm sure there's no note and you you'll be back in Philly after a month and back to your same shit. I seriously hope you meet someone to get your mind off of me. Or get some serious fucking help.

I really thought it was over. I was not expecting any more text messages or phone calls. But I was wrong.

My phone was in the other room and it looks like I missed 2 phone calls from the ex. Then I saw that I had text messages. "Oh boy, here we go."

Here's what she had to say.

1. Maybe since LJ worked out for you to get hookups with random strangers in the past, maybe u should try it again. Since you're the expert of sex without love.
(I have met people through LJ in the past. I wouldn't say it was hookups with random strangers though. And as much as I tried to keep that journal private, you seemed to have founf it anyways. AND, we weren't together at the time.)

2. You viewed me as an object and not as a person. You could fuck me, use me, and not care. And when I wasn't around, you just looked elsewhere.
(When we broke up, yes, I'm going to look elsewhere. I'm not just going to sit here and ask you for pity. And I never viewed her as an object.)

3. So saying that you loved me was just a bunch of shit to keep me around for those things. You want someone to care about you so you feel loved.
(I guess this is just a random comment. Doesn't everyone want to feel loved?)

4. But you don't want to give love in return because that's more than you can handle. It's easier to have sex with someone who you don't care about.
(I love to love. But I don't want to love someone who just treats me like shit in return. Someone who can't seem to stay in a relationship without flipping out for more than 3 days.)

5. So you always sent me cards or made cds for me when I wasn't in your life. But when I was back in your life, you felt like you didn't need to do anything.
(Kinda sucked when you would pull this kind of shit every week. Not a very stable relationship to be in.)

6. Because you had the sex, you could use me, and you didn't need to do anything else. But it's nice to have a bf who shows he cares. You'd rather have random sex.
(Me having sex when we were not together does NOT need to be used as an argument. She has in fact done the exact same thing. Yet I don't keep text messaging her about it.)

7. The only reason you said you wanted me to move to H-burg was so you could have me around to use me everyday instead of just on the weekends.
(The three years we've been together it has been a weekend relationship. I would drive to Philly or she would drive to Harrisburg. It really kinda sucks and didn't allow us to have a normal relationship. Her moving in with me would have been nice, or so I though. Maybe it would have been the worse decision I would have made.)

8. You didn't want me to read your emails because you didn't want me to find out about the bachelor lifestyle you were trying to maintain.
(I didn't want her reading my emails becuase I feel that invades my privacy. This coming from a girl who has two computers. There's really no need for someone else to read my email. I feel very invaded that she has read my email and gone through my entire computer.)

9. I never would have mey Eve, Nicole, or Jess or Yvette or Amber or Lara or Colleen or whoever else you have interest in fucking.
(Some of these people are my friends. Others are simply people who's blogs I read, online friends. And others are just people who I have done photo shoots with when we were not together. I don't feel I need to explain myself to her here.)

10. You never wanted them to know u were back with me anyway.
(Back with you? Like every other week? Every few days? Who the fuck can keep up with that?! Hell, I can't even keep up with that. We've been broken up for 6 months, a few weeks, a few days, the last three years have been a blur.)

I returned her call and she decided not to answer. So I left her a simple voice mail. I asked her to stop leaving me text messages. That was it. So far they have stopped. I hope it stays that way.

So last night was the local Flickr Meetup. The first one we've had here. And I attended it with a friend from work and met two new people. It was a lot of fun meeting new people that I have things in common with and was a nice break from the trouble the ex has been causing me.

Just as I was going to sleep last night my phone rang. I looked over and saw that it was the ex. I couldn't deal with it. I knew by answering that phone call would lead to hearing her high pitched voice screaming in my ear along with the same stuff she always says to me. I decided not to answer it and turned my phone off. Can't I just get a good night sleep?

This morning I trurned my phone on and had 14 text messages. I read through them. Same thing as usual. Then I was getting ready to take my morning shower and saw that I had 7 more text messages that were just then getting to my phone. Same thing. So this woman send me 21 text messages. I hate that. I really do.

And I know what spurred it. A friend of mine left a comment on my blog. This person and I once dated. And we also dated briefly when my ex and I broke up for a while. My ex calls this cheating, but we were not together so I don't call it cheating. This person's comment is as follows, "Wow you look very mature, distinguished. How old is that pic?" Pretty casual and harmless right? Well, the ex reads into this as this person is back in my life and that I love her, etc.

I just can't understand why she can't hold some things in. I understand that people should talk about things. But I also think that certain things are left up to that individual to handle. Like some insecurities or jealousy. I don't think her blowing up at me in this manic state (it is a manic state isn't it) and saying all kinds of nasty comments about me (reflecting her insecurities) will help in any way. To me it just makes things worse.

There's more that I'd like to talk about, so much. But I'm really not sure where to start. But I will try to fill in any information when possible. Please let next year be different! Please! I do not want to live my life with this continuous mental and emotional battering!

Back in November I decided to TRY to be nice and talk to my ex-girlfriend. We're both adults, we should be able to act like it. Besides, her birthday was coming up. We haven't seen each other for six months. I went to visit her in Philly. Soon, she was back at yelling and screaming at me and sending me tons of nasty text messages. Being nice didn't seem to work.

Christmas eve she called me and wished me a merry Christmas. I did the same. Then that night I THOUGHT we could once again be adults. I drove to her parents house to watch March of the Penguins. Everything seemed to be going ok. It was nice to sit and talk with her parents and watch the movie. Leaving was a bit weird. It was that uncomfortable silence. Then I got in my car, started it up and turned my lights on. I saw her run down from the front door to the driveway and over to the passenger side of my car. She got in and we started talking. It wasn't a good talk. Just reminding me of all the reasons why we're different, all the trust issues, etc. Tears, tissues, etc. She went back inside and I left.

The day after Christmas. She text messages me. Saying things like I never cared about her, all I ever wanted was to be with someone else, how I cared about everything but her, how I probably had a ton of other girls I was dating, etc. She seems to like to play off of these ideas and make up even more stuff. So I was getting all of these text messages while I was trying to enjoy the day with my daughter. You can see how this would really disrupt enjoying quality time with my daughter. I called her and she wouldn't answer, so I left her a message to stop text messaging me. She didn't listen and said she can send text messages for free and that it cost money to talk on the phone (this coming from someone who will drop thousands on camera equipment).

Last night we talked on the phone. Very bad conversation. Same things over and over again. We both yelled at each other. She blamed me for everything that was wrong between us. Then she read me this letter that her dad wrote her mom when they were dating. She cried a bit and said that it reminded her of us. Things lightened up a bit after some time on the phone. She apologized for saying the things she did and said that she wouldn't text message me any more. We said goodbye and hung up.

Fast forward about 45 minutes. I'm in bed and hear a text message on my phone. I grab it and look at it. It's from her. Saying that I never said she was beautiful. That all she is is a stupid fucking ugly bitch. That I never wanted to take photos of her. That on her birthday I didn't take any photos of the two of us together (I did not know that it was a requirement for me to take photos of her and I for her birthday - heck, we haven't seen each other in six months - I was still a bit nervous). 20 text messages last night. and 2 today.

I really don't like confrontations. I hate arguments. When I'm confronted with a barrage of accusations that goes non-stop and before I can even try to defend myself from the first, dozens of others follow... I clam up. I don't even know where to begin. And when I'm finally about finished analyzing the first bit of data, she's already on to more. So then I decide to not even talk. This further angers her. So I'm stuck. I can't defend myself. And I feel that all I do with her is defend myself.

On another heated phone conversation tonight with her she said that she should just kill herself because she doesn't want me to be hurt any more and that all she wants is for me to be happy. I read into this as she wants me to feel guilty. She has no desire to kill herself. The text messages will certainly not stop. I'm sure I'll get a few more eventually. It's just a matter of time.

So I created a journal here on LJ. Looking to meet people and make some friends along the way. I'm a web designer, graphic designer, and photographer. There's so much more, but if you think you're interested, add me.