| new years 2011 |
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| 02:27am 18/01/2012 |
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DURING 2011
How many boyfriends? 2
How many breakups? 1
How many crushes? a lot
Care to mention names? nope
Had to say goodbye to? betty
Missed anyone? my parents...my friends
Win anything? deans list
Best place you went to? oklahoma city, nashville was cool
Worst place you went to? don't know really.
How was your birthday? okay, not great.
Best present? valentine's day present from darren
Best party? amy's wedding
FAVORITES OF THE YEAR
Movie: avatar
Album: ingrid michaelson is my lady right now
Song: be okay - ingrid michaelson
Month: august, or september...
Lesson you've learned from 2009: be healthier, be loved, be sober, and living life takes work.
Hope for the next year: to be healthier and happier and have more friends
Clothing item or outfit of the year: skinny jeans
Hairstyle of the year: purple hair
Jewelry of the year: bird necklace, or feather necklace
Makeup product of the year: eyeliner
Color of the year: purple
Car of the year: honda CRV
Boy of the year: steven
Food of the year: chunky chicken quesadilla
Drink of the year: v8 vfusion
Class of the year: loved history
Appliance of the year: fridge
Recreational activity of the year: going out
Means of Communication of the year: texting
Gift of the year:....already said
Holiday of the year: christmas
Achievement(s) of the year: getting straight As
1. What did you do in 2011 that you'd never done before? got straight As in college, broke up with my fiancé, lived by myself.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? to be healthier - and I think I did that.
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? yes -- several....jessica bilpush, teresa bilpush
4. Did anyone close to you die? betty
5. What countries did you visit? america
6. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 2011? more happiness
7. What date from 2011 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? nov 26 - the night i met steven
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? deans list at school - straight As
9. What was your biggest failure? not doing more around the house - failing relationship with darren
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i got sick a couple of times...
11. What was the best thing you bought? my new mac and iPad
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? mine
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Shocked? darren
14. Where did most of your money go? food and movies
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? meeting steven
16. What song will always remind you of 2011? sexy and i know it...or party rock
17. Compared to this time last year, are you...
i. happier or sadder? MUCH HAPPIER
ii. thinner or fatter? same
iii. richer or poorer? RICHER
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? saving money
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? worrying
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it already
24. What was your favorite TV program? american idol, new girl, glee
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? no
26. What was the best book you read? this year? textbooks is all i read
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? mozella
28. What did you want and get? happiness
29. What did you want and not get? to get married
30. What was your favorite film of this year? bridesmaids
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? went to school, then to dinner with family
32. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? to have my parents back
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2011? skinny jeans and fun shirts.
34. What kept you sane? my family and dogs
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? will ferrell...zooey deschanel
36. What political issue stirred you the most? what issue didn't stir me...the economy...the war....gay rights...
37. Who did you miss? my parents, some friends
38. Who was the best new person you met? steven
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2011: you have to make your own happiness
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"The pieces don't fit anymore" |
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| long time no write |
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| 02:15am 18/01/2012 |
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Well, its been a long time again since I have written in this journal. I am having one of my nights where I can't sleep, and all I want to do is listen to music and watch youtube videos of people singing my favorite songs.
Darren and I broke up in mid-November. It had realistically been over for a while, but I tried to keep it together because I was scared of being alone. I still am. I am now dating a very nice boy named Steven. I am seeing Linda Cohn again, and trying to work through more of my issues, which has been good. I still don't think I am really getting to the heart of any of my issues. I am really good at avoiding them.
I just wanted to do a quick update. While updating, I have suddenly become tired. |
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| here we go again |
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| 09:27am 09/04/2011 |
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Its been a really long time since I have written in here. mostly because I have been busy and also because things have been going pretty well in my life for the most part and I feel like I only write in here when I am depressed....
Well, surprise surprise, I am depressed. I have been crying in crazy outbursts for the last 3 weeks, sleeping a ton, not doing my homework, not wanting to spend time with darren...i don't know whats going on. But I think I need to talk to someone and maybe even get back on anti depressants.
After my parents died, I felt like I had a whole in my chest that could never be filled with anything and for the last year or so, I haven't really felt that way too much. I felt like I was filling it with self-pride on going back to school and not drinking and having a healthy relationship.
But last night it came back. That whole had been underneath all the time, and created a sink hole in my otherwise filled looking heart...and I cannot tell you how bad it felt. First because obviously feeling that way hurts, but also because I thought I was past it, I thought I had moved beyond feeling like something was missing, and I don't know which part hurt more.
I am going to call Linda Cohn my old councellor today and see if I can get in asap. Cause last night scared me. I haven't felt that low that fast in a really really long time. I felt hopeless for the first time really since college. I already decided I am taking the summer off of school, so I think that should help with stress levels. I don't know. I don't know what caused it and I don't know how to get out of it. Part of me wants some prozac again, and part of me wants to just try to work it on my own.
Darren and I have not been connecting in any way shape or form lately, and I know its my fault, but its like I don't want that. I don't want to be touched or talked to...but thats kind of classic me being depressed. I stop answering my phone, I don't go do things, it sucks.
Anways, feels good to get it out. Thats why I still have this damn journal. |
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| reign on me.... |
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| 02:43am 25/07/2010 |
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I watched another sad movie tonight, which usually triggers these sad ass entries at 3 am. I watched Reign Over Me, which in case none of my avid readers have seen it, its about a man who loses his wife and three daughters and even his dog in a plane crash, a 9/11 plane crash, and he basically tries in his own way to deal with it. I have seen it before, I loved it and decided to watch it tonight.
And then I think back to a couple of weeks ago when I had the whole family over at my house for the first time and I was cooking for everyone, trying so hard to be like my mother - and failing miserably - and I overheard someone say "I can't believe she's been gone for 6 years." I of course argued with them for at least 5 minutes, almost starting to get really angry, when I realized it was true. Six years without them. Six years without talking to them or seeing them. That is so hard to imagine, because I couldn't imagine spending a day without them, and now, its been 6 years. That seems like a lifetime, and I feel like it was yesterday.
There are days when I think I am doing well (and I am), but then when I think what I thought I would be like 6 years after...well, I guess I thought that I wouldn't even be thinking about it. Its so much better than last year...and the year before. The pain my chest is so much lower than it used to be. It used to feel like an open wound that was gaping out of my chest...and now it feels like something underneath my chest, underneath my rib cage...more like a scar than an open wound. It still hurts, its still healing and at ANY moment, I feel like that scar could bust open and everything could be lost again, but for now, for right now, its closed up and it seems to be healing nice and cleanly.
Darren and I had a great day together, we went to Six Flags, we had a great dinner, crab legs, shrimp fetucini, and steak (all homemade). We have been getting along much better lately, but we also haven't had sex in at least 2 months. Sometimes that bothers me, other times I really could care less. And every day, I care less more. But we are getting along better than we have in a while...so I guess I can't complain. But the rift will always be there for probably many different reasons; softball, music, the house, him driving, etc....but mostly I think I get angry at him because he doesn't understand, and he never will. He can't understand, and he doesn't even try. He doesn't ask me about them, he doesn't want to know more about them, he think I should just not think about it. I won't ever not think about them. I think about them all the time - every single day - they pop into my head for some reason at some time. I don't think that will ever change, and I don't want it to. He said he would go to therapy with me...but I of course never finish anything and I haven't looked into it the way I should. We need to see a couple's therapist...who also knows his/her way around grief issues, because I don't think I am over it, I don't know if thats normal or not...and I need Darren to be with me on it, cause I shouldn't feel like I am alone in it, I think that makes it worse.
I guess thats all I have for tonight. Mommy and Daddy I miss you - Mom, I can't believe its been six years. I hope you are proud of the woman I am trying to become. i love you. |
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| adults are lame |
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| 12:45am 21/04/2010 |
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How is it that I am so busy everyday, I feel like I never have enough hours in the day....then when I sit down to write something like this - I have nothing to talk about it. I am lame.
I am really lonely. Thats something to talk about. I have no friends. I have a million facebook friends and no real ones. I miss my old friends so much. I wish I knew what was going on with them. I miss having them to talk to - them telling me things and having that to talk about at least. My life is so busy and yet so boring at the same time.
But here is the good news: I have registered for school!!! I am going back to school FINALLY! I am starting at Meramec this summer. I will get my associates in teaching - then transfer to UMSL or Lindenwood to finish. I have a plan - and I have gotten past the hardest part...starting. Darren has really pushed me to do this - and I am really happy that I did. I am excited to do something at least somewhat interesting where maybe I will meet some new people and not miss my old friends so much.
I spoke to Nicole (via facebook post granted) for the first time in probably over a year...since our big blowout over a year ago. She makes me so mad and I hate her sometimes so much...but then I look at her facebook page and Amy's at least once a week to see if I can find something out about their lives. I do think Amy and I's relationship was so toxic sometimes, it was probably best that we aren't friends anymore....but Nicole and I is probably more stubborness than anything else. But then I think - do I want to spend time with people who get wasted and cry in the bathroom....
Now granted, I used to get wasted and cry in bar bathrooms....even in strip club bathrooms....but I grew up and learned how to respect myself. And respect my own life.
I just don't think I can ever go back to them. I know if I did things wouldn't be that awkward because I have a special gift of talking about it to make it not awkward and making jokes....but I just don't know if I can deal with that drama - but on the otherhand, I miss having that drama to talk about - sometimes my brain goes a mile a minute like it always has...but now i have nothing to think about.
I think about softball mostly, softball and darren and i. thats about it really. i think about dogs sometimes.
I am lame. |
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| my usual entry |
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| 01:10am 08/01/2010 |
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well, another year has passed and this year i feel like so much has changed.
DURING 2009
How many boyfriends? 1
How many breakups? 0
How many crushes? 1
Care to mention names? darren.....
Had to say goodbye to? did no one seriously die this year....thats got to be some kind of a record.
Missed anyone? my parents...my friends
Win anything? um...not that i remember
Best place you went to? FLORIDA!
Worst place you went to? that is the only place i went this year.
How was your birthday? pretty darn good this year.
Best present? $500 christmas bonus from the Liermans
Best party? did i go to a party this year? oh...well, Kaylyn's wedding was quite a party...so lets say that.
FAVORITES OF THE YEAR
Movie: avatar
Album: ingrid michaelson is my lady right now
Song: be okay - ingrid michaelson
Month: august, or september...
Lesson you've learned from 2009: be healthier, be loved, be sober, and living life takes work.
Hope for the next year: to be healthier and happier and have more friends
Clothing item or outfit of the year: my comfy slippers
Hairstyle of the year: my bangs?
Jewelry of the year: engagement ring?
Makeup product of the year: eyeliner
Color of the year: yellow!
Car of the year: honda CRV
Boy of the year: darren
Food of the year: fish
Drink of the year: propel
Class of the year: ---
Appliance of the year: the oven
Recreational activity of the year: wii
Means of Communication of the year: talking or texting
Gift of the year:....already said
Holiday of the year: christmas
Achievement(s) of the year: renovating a house
1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before? bought a house, renovated it, got engaged
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? didn't really make any i don't think
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? yes -- several....
4. Did anyone close to you die? um....no i think i actually had a year without death...for once.
5. What countries did you visit? america
6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009? more happiness
7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? feb 14th - the day i got engaged
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? renovated the house
9. What was your biggest failure? not going back to school
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i got sick a couple of times...
11. What was the best thing you bought? a house
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? mine
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Shocked? nicole, amy
14. Where did most of your money go? food and movies
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? biff and darren, getting engaged, buying a house
16. What song will always remind you of 2008? i gotta feeling woooo hooooo
17. Compared to this time last year, are you...
i. happier or sadder? MUCH HAPPIER
ii. thinner or fatter? same
iii. richer or poorer? RICHER
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? saving money
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? worrying
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it already
24. What was your favorite TV program? american idol, so you think you can dance
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? no
26. What was the best book you read? this year? twilight
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? that red haired guy....bret dennen
28. What did you want and get? happiness
29. What did you want and not get? to get married
30. What was your favorite film of this year? avatar
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i coached softball then went to dinner (25)
32. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? to have my parents back
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? more conservative...took my piercings out...weird huh. more classic i guess.
34. What kept you sane? darren and the dogs
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? will ferrell...zooey deschanel
36. What political issue stirred you the most? what issue didn't stir me...the economy...the war....gay rights...
37. Who did you miss? my parents, some friends
38. Who was the best new person you met? i don't think i met any new people
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009: life is hard.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"I just want to be okay today." |
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| 10:15pm 16/07/2009 |
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i feel like such a failure. sometimes i feel like i have all my shit so together and i am doing so well. sometimes i feel like such a great person. when a girl hits her first homerun, when we make a break through not just with softball but with a girl's confidence, i just feel like i am so happy to do what i do. but with just a few words darren makes me feel so worthless. i know how hard he has worked on the house. i tried to be there as much as i could, bring him dinner every night when he was there, go run errands for him, help with things like painting, i paid for the house, i paid for 90% of the renovation, and i feel like that should count for something, but it doesn't to him. he told me tonight that he wasn't happy and there was nothing i could do about it. of all of my jobs, i feel like keeping him happy is my #1 job - and usually the job that i am the best at but right now - i am failing at my first priority. maybe all of this was a bad idea. maybe this house was a bad idea. maybe getting engaged was a bad idea. maybe i am not ready. maybe i am not even good enough for him. i don't work hard, i am lazy, i can't do anything right, even the little things.
and it just seems like all of these sad ass entries come on some kind of marker with my parents - and surprise surprise - my mom's 5 year anniversary is tomorrow. sometimes i feel like such an adult but right now i feel like a baby. i need someone to hold me and tell me its okay - and the one person who i have to do that is mad at me. i have no one that i can call. i have no friends really. i have my family, most of the time, but i don't want to talk to them. i don't even want to talk to darren, i want to talk to my mom. i want to talk to my dad. i want to lay in my mom's lap. i want to put my head on my dad's shoulder and let him awkwardly pat me the way he did.
this fucking grown up shit is just too hard for me sometimes. i don't want to do it. i just want to sink into my bed and stay there forever. i feel like such an asshole because i get overwhelmed so easily and darren just does it - he doesn't get overwhelmed, he just does it - but i don't work that way. i am not that strong. i don't think i ever will be. i tried to take my dog for a walk today and cry on the walk along and i just couldn't do it. sometimes getting away from darren is hard to do. and my favorite time to break down is at night and its like i just can't do it - i can't just loudly sob and get it all out so i can feel normal again. i just don't want to deal.
i told him the other day that i was going to quit nannying next summer so that i could go back to school to finish my degree, he told me that was a bad idea. he thinks that coaching is a hobby...not a job. but its my life, it lights me up. softball got me through the hardest time of my life. softball was the only reason i got out of bed, and sometimes even now, its the only reason i want to get out of bed. nannying makes me miserable. i can't handle it for much longer. the only job i want to have is coaching. i don't want to do anything but that. all that is standing in my way from making that a reality is a degree. thats what i want to focus on next in my life.
well, now that i have cried and wrote my feelings down - snotted on my sleeve of my doin' it for dale and bringing it home for brenda t-shirt, i am gonna go lay back down in a bed with a man that i don't really want to touch right now.
hopefully i can get some sleep now.
i miss you guys. i will try to visit you tomorrow. love you mom and dad. |
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| expect nothing |
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| 12:28am 09/05/2009 |
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As another mother's day is about to roll around, the last two days I find myself really emotional almost of the verge of tears for a few reasons.
The first I am sure is pretty obvious, every holiday for anyone who has lost someone important is terrible. Especially a holiday like mother's day for someone without a mother. Unfortunately thanks to hallmark and whoever the tool was who made up these stupid holidays, there is a holiday every other fucking week. Grandparents day was last week....now for someone like me, who hasn't had any grandparents since I was around 8 - grandparents day really never even existed. At Claire's school, your grandparents were supposed to come...well, that would have been terrible for me if they had done that at my school. And then a week later, mother's day. Another day to realize what I don't have - not like I don't think about it every day, but it just makes it more of the forefront on days like this. And its everywhere, every restaraunt, every shop, every show, every commercial, every where - bring your mother here, buy your mother this...tell your mother this...everywhere. Every sign reminds me of what I can't do, what I can't buy and what I can't say....What i should have done, what I should have bought and what I should have said when I had the chance.
I just miss them so much sometimes it hurts. It is so tight in my chest. And I go back to that time when I felt this every day. I go back to when it happened, I go back to that feeling and it hurts so bad, it never gets any better. It still hurts just as much. I have been so happy with Darren and everything, sometimes i forget and think that maybe it doesn't hurt as much anymore....it doesn't hurt as frequently...but the depth of pain, the feeling, the hurt is just as terrible. I have all these distractions now, all this business, all this happiness and i thought maybe i was getting better...I guess that this is all the better I will ever be. That it will never not hurt, it just won't hurt as frequently and I guess I should be okay with that. But sometimes damnit, I think I have earned the right to feel sorry for myself, just for a few hours....maybe even for a few days. And I think that should be okay.
Another thing is that I entered into this contest in St. Louis to win a free wedding and a free car....then I realized that my former best friend, who is also engaged entered the contest also, even though she doesn't need it. She has already bought her dress, put money down on everything, paid for half of her shit. And I shouldn't have been surprised, the reason we are no longer friends is because of her selfishness. But now, she is beating me in the contest. She isn't going to win...she is too far behind the first place person...but just the fact....it just bothers me so much, because not only does she not deserve to win....but the fact that she entered just makes me so mad. I feel entitled to nothing, the world owes me nothing and I know that. But part of me just thinks that maybe since things haven't exactly been easy for me that maybe someday something will be easy, just one fucking thing. I bought this house in cash....that we are going to fix up, we thought we were only going to put so much into the house...turns out way more is wrong with it and we have to put way more into it. Something that was a great idea and something that seemed like it was going to be easy....not even remotely easy and very pricey. Since we spent way more on this house, we aren't going to be able to afford to get married, and then it was like magically i found out about this wedding contest and I thought perfect. I thought I had all these friends and this huge caring family and I could totally have a shot. I was in second place the first three days...and then I realized, Nicole because we have the same friends, basically took half of my votes from me. It hurts, but not because of Nicole, it hurts because I just feel like nothing ever in my life will be easy and that makes me so sad. Just one thing, thats all I want.
And the worst part it is, that I blame myself. I feel like its all my fault for not taking advantage of the time that things were so easy. I always got good grades, never studied. I could have really studied hard and gone to Harvard or something. And the worst part is that I didn't study and still got into Wash U - and then threw that away too by not graduating. And even though I feel like I had all these things stacked against me and I had this huge excuse for not finishing - it still doesn't change the fact that I had something thrown in my lap and I threw it away. I was always the best softball player, so I never really practiced hard, and now i look at these young girls who work so hard, and I am like, why couldn't I have done that, I could have been so much better than I was...and I still don't try. I am fat, out of shape, and its so sad because even now that I am getting fat, I still don't want to try to get back in shape. It would be too hard. I had this great body growing up, always thought I was fat growing up, never took advantage of it, took it for granted, and now I want nothing but to be as healthy as i was back then.
I keep waiting for karma to catch up with me and start throwing good things my way...but maybe this is karma. Karma was mad for me not taking advantage of the perfect hand I was dealt, great parents, great life, perfect life, and was mad because not only did I not take advantage of it...but i shit on it. I was miserable growing up, I used to think in middle school how terrible my life was. What an ungreatful bitch I was, how unhappy did I make my poor parents. I know I was just a kid. But it hurts me to know that I did that, and that maybe karma took that all away, just because of me, how ungreatful I was. I try to never take advantage of anything ever again, so I feel like I have learned my lesson. I love my life right this very minute, just every once in a while, on certain holidays, I get to feeling sorry for myself again, and I let myself, because this is the time that I get to remind myself how I got to this place, and why I don't want to go back to where I used to be.
I miss you momma. I miss you daddy. I love you. |
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| 2008 in review.... |
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| 11:46am 01/01/2009 |
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this was written in 2005/2006...now its time to look back and forward
DURING 2005
How many boyfriends? 0
How many breakups? 0
How many crushes? too many to count
Care to mention names? crushes: eric triebe, ben schaub as always, um...who else, derek, travis
Had to say goodbye to? shelley who went to ireland, amy who went to italy, all my friends who went to school...
Missed anyone? my parents...my friends
Win anything? um...not that i remember
Best place you went to? probably the lake this summer...
Worst place you went to? humphreys that one night..haha
How was your birthday? i wish i could remember it...
Best present? my shoes from amy for christmas...or my shot book from amy
Best party? um....i had a great time on my birthday...i had a good time at the soccer/softball party...and i had a great time at new years...
FAVORITES OF THE YEAR
Movie: wedding crashers
Album: fiona apple - extraordinary machine, damien rice - O, feist
Song: fiona apple - extraordinary machine
Month: august, or september...
Lesson you've learned from 2005: um...that i need to focus more on my health and on my school work
Hope for the next year: to be healthy and happy and focus on myself and my work a little more
Clothing item or outfit of the year: my element and volcom shirts...my blue hat....and my new gold shoes...haha
Hairstyle of the year: short bangs
Jewelry of the year: my hoop earrings
Makeup product of the year: what?
Color of the year: light pink and teal
Car of the year: carl my corrolla?
Boy of the year: the boy i was most obsessed with most of the year was triebe, even tho he sucks
Food of the year: chips and salsa
Drink of the year: rum and diet
Class of the year: female sexuality
Appliance of the year: what? the shower?
Recreational activity of the year: drinking?
Means of Communication of the year: aim
Gift of the year: didn't we already say that one
Holiday of the year: halloween
Achievement(s) of the year: getting better grades and working harder
2005...
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? sex would probably be the biggest thing
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? didn't really make any i don't think
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? yes, two people
4. Did anyone close to you die? no, thank goodness, i couldn't take that anymore
5. What countries did you visit? america
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? a boyfriend would be great
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? the same ones from last year.....my parents birthdays and death
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? focusing more on school than last year...
9. What was your biggest failure? drinking too much
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? yeah, tore my labram and had surgery
11. What was the best thing you bought? my computer
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? ???
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Shocked? ???
14. Where did most of your money go? alcohol and clothes
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? my shoes for christmas, my birthday....
16. What song will always remind you of 2005? my humps, na-na-na-na
17. Compared to this time last year, are you...
i. happier or sadder? Deffinatly happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? art, studying
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? worrying, crying
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it already
24. What was your favorite TV program? american idol, the OC, daisy does america
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? ugh...
26. What was the best book you read? harry potter 4, the hidden hand
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? tietur lassen, fruit bats, feist
28. What did you want and get? um...not much
29. What did you want and not get? money...an ipod
30. What was your favorite film of this year? wedding crashers
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i got shitty...it was my 21st
32. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? to have my parents back
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? i gave into some fashion trends...
34. What kept you sane? my friends...
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? um...peter sarsgaard
36. What political issue stirred you the most? what issue didn't stir me...stupid idiot george bush...probably gay marriage...or the war
37. Who did you miss? my parents, my friends when they were gone....
38. Who was the best new person you met? steph ackerman is pretty great....but my new baby cousins are amazing...
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: ???
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I stop my rambling
I don't do too much gambling these days
Its just that I've been losing, so long
DURING 2007
How many boyfriends? 2 probably i would say
How many breakups? 2 big ones
How many crushes? too many to count
Care to mention names? crushes: i had a crush on robbie...which is over, joel...over, mark...over...zach who i work with....right now i have a crush on alex...who i am dating...and i always have a crush on richard
Had to say goodbye to? joel and mark
Missed anyone? my parents....my friends...my boys....joel
Win anything? um....i mean, i am really competitive....so i win a lot...but nothing big
Best place you went to? chicago to see joel
Worst place you went to? the hospital
How was your birthday? it was good actually. i bought a car.
Best present? joel painted me on his wall...that was nice.
Best party? party....hmmm....probably one of my times with the boys. we had a good time everywhere we went
FAVORITES OF THE YEAR
Movie: knocked up...winter passing...or stranger than fiction
Album: amy winehouse was a good one...but i pretty much became obsessed with jack johnson this year...and corinne bailey rae
Song: song for you - alexi murdoch and i will follow you into the dark - death cab
Month: august, or september...
Lesson you've learned from 2007: i have to love myself before i can love anyone else....and that the only person i can rely on is myself
Hope for the next year: to be happy and healthy...
Clothing item or outfit of the year: i wore my studded belt and skinny jeans a lot this year.
Hairstyle of the year: i really like it dyed red underneath. but i do miss my black hair and long bangs
Jewelry of the year: my lip ring
Makeup product of the year: i now wear lip gloss
Color of the year: red
Car of the year: my new honda!
Boy of the year: joel and mark are probably tied
Food of the year: boneless buffalo wings
Drink of the year: rum and diet
Class of the year: fashion i guess....even though i hated it....thats really all i took
Appliance of the year: the forman grill
Recreational activity of the year: drinking?
Means of Communication of the year: texting
Gift of the year: my car???
Holiday of the year: my birthday probably this year....
Achievement(s) of the year: getting help and being honest with myself
2007...
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? fallen in love probably....and also went into a crazy house
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? didn't really make any i don't think
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? yes
4. Did anyone close to you die? not really close to....but yes, people that i knew died this year....
5. What countries did you visit? america
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? stability
7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? july 14th....thats the day i cried and cried and cried....because of mark
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? i did so much....its hard to say...getting help probably
9. What was your biggest failure? drinking too much, quitting school
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? always
11. What was the best thing you bought? my car
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? shelley
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Shocked? mark
14. Where did most of your money go? alcohol and clothes
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? joel and mark....and graduation....woops.
16. What song will always remind you of 2005? probably something stupid and popular, like crazy bitch...or that stupid rockstar song --- but for me....i will follow you into the dark was it for me.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you...
i. happier or sadder? probably happier since i had just broken up with joel
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? loving
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? worrying, crying
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it already
24. What was your favorite TV program? american idol, so you think you can dance
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? yes
26. What was the best book you read? this year? hm....probably motherless daughters
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? regina spektor, amy winehouse
28. What did you want and get? some boys....
29. What did you want and not get? too much
30. What was your favorite film of this year? knocked up (see above)
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i worked, bought a car...then went out to dinner.
32. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? to have my parents back
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? more punk than before....more rockabilly too....
34. What kept you sane? the mental institution?
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? will ferrell...zooey deschanel
36. What political issue stirred you the most? what issue didn't stir me...stupid idiot george bush...probably gay marriage...or the war
37. Who did you miss? my parents, some friends
38. Who was the best new person you met? i met a lot of people at work....me and shelley really bonded....i mean, i like alex a lot right now...but we shall see. i thought mark was....but clearly was not.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: you can't save anyone unless they want to be saved.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be --- kate nash
and i know its hard to make it through
when you say...there's something wrong
and i see you hiding your face in your hands
flying so you won't land
you think no one understands....no one understands...
--- alexi murdoch
AND NOW FOR NOW....2008 in review
DURING 2008
How many boyfriends? 1
How many breakups? 0
How many crushes? 1
Care to mention names? darren.....
Had to say goodbye to? some of my friends who no longer talk to me....
Missed anyone? my parents...my friends
Win anything? um...not that i remember
Best place you went to? hm....nowhere
Worst place you went to? the lakehouse
How was your birthday? okay
Best present? $500 christmas bonus from the Liermans
Best party? um...nicole's birthday party
FAVORITES OF THE YEAR
Movie: dark knight
Album: adele - 19 or duffy - rockferry
Song: fiona mercy - duffy
Month: august, or september...
Lesson you've learned from 2008: be healthier, be loved, be sober
Hope for the next year: to be healthier and happier and have more friends
Clothing item or outfit of the year: my cheetah print dress
Hairstyle of the year: the bob
Jewelry of the year: my children's necklaces
Makeup product of the year: eyeliner
Color of the year: red....and purple
Car of the year: honda CRV
Boy of the year: darren
Food of the year: bertolli
Drink of the year: green tea
Class of the year: ---
Appliance of the year: the oven
Recreational activity of the year: wii
Means of Communication of the year: talking or texting
Gift of the year:....already said
Holiday of the year: christmas
Achievement(s) of the year: selling the house
1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? sold my house, rented my first apartment...had a real boyfriend.
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? didn't really make any i don't think
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? yes -- several....
4. Did anyone close to you die? um....no i think i actually had a year without death...for once.
5. What countries did you visit? america
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? more money
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? january 11th --- the day i met darren
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? stopped drinking, sold my house...moved on.
9. What was your biggest failure? hm....i don't know....
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i got sick a couple of times...
11. What was the best thing you bought? my car or my wii or BIFFANY
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? mine
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Shocked? amy
14. Where did most of your money go? food and movies
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? biff and darren
16. What song will always remind you of 2008? katy perry songs....
17. Compared to this time last year, are you...
i. happier or sadder? MUCH HAPPIER
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? RICHER
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? saving money
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? worrying
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it already
24. What was your favorite TV program? american idol, so you think you can dance
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? yes
26. What was the best book you read? this year? twilight
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? adele, duffy....
28. What did you want and get? happiness
29. What did you want and not get? to keep my cats
30. What was your favorite film of this year? dark knight....hands down
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i went out to dinner after work
32. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? to have my parents back
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? more conservative...took my piercings out...weird huh. more classic i guess.
34. What kept you sane? darren and the dogs
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? will ferrell...zooey deschanel
36. What political issue stirred you the most? what issue didn't stir me...the economy...the war....gay rights...
37. Who did you miss? my parents, some friends
38. Who was the best new person you met? darren
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008: cleaning your house makes your life more oganized, and only a sober relationship can be a real relationship.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"This feels like I'm on my way home where I belong". |
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| today... |
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| 02:26am 14/12/2008 |
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woke up, ate a light breakfast bowl from jimmy dean...thank you mr. dean. ate some ramen. a bowl of popcorn. a chicken salad. and 3 waters. I did not walk the dog, but i did go christmas shopping, walked through the mall...that kinda counts.
so i did not do well today, tomorrow i have hitting lessons so i will either walk the dogs before or after them tomorrow.
i gave mine and andy's legs a day off today.
PS everyone should see cadilac records....i hate beyonce...but beyonce was AWESOME. |
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| progress report |
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| 12:21am 13/12/2008 |
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mood:  accomplished
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I have finally had it.
I am starting to get off my now fat ass and work out again.
Here's how I have been doing:
Yesterday: walked both dogs for about an hour and half combined. I ran 3 different times with Biff, for about a minute each time...which doesn't seem like much but for someone who is in terrible shape, thats a lot.
I ate: hamburger helper, mashed potatoes, and green beans for dinner. I had a green tea and some juice. I also had 3 pieces of pizza and 1 hot dog. I drank at least 4 big cups of water.
Today: I had 3 glasses of water, some juice and hot chocolate to drink. I ate chicken parmesan and broccoli and cheese for dinner with 1 1/2 piece of garlic cheese bread. I had chef boyardi ravioli for lunch. I also had about 1/3 of a pint of ice cream...woops. I walked Biff for about 40 minutes, running 5 different times for about a minute each and since Andy and I were both sore today, I only took him on about a 20 minute walk just around the block.
I have more energy just in two days. I am really going to try just to do something every day that involves movement and getting my heart pumping. wish me luck. |
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| closure |
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| 12:18am 07/05/2008 |
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what an interesting complex subject talked about on so many tv shows....so many movies. closure.
to move on. to be over. to draw a close on something.
as i lay in bed with my boyfriend...my wonderful, beautiful, fantastic, dorky, amazing, caring, loving boyfriend, laying on his chest listening to his heart beat and feeling my heart trying to draw closer to his heart to try to beat at the same time, our breathes trying to match up...trying to describe to him what is happening in my head right now, as he nods off to sleep.
i think something is wrong right now. something just isn't right. i can't put my finger on it, who could i talk this through with...
then i think maybe the problem is the solution. the one person who would be awake and talk me through my ramblings is probably one of the problems i need a solution to. joel. stupid ugly fat annoying degrading joel. it makes me mad that i am even talking about him right now. but i think i know what i need. CLOSURE.
we never really ended, that off and on shit for 2 years just left me feeling like there is still so much undone. when i was with him, i was weak, i was not who i am right now. not happy, not stable, no confidence, no love for myself, only love for him. oh how things have changed.
now i am ready. i am ready to tell him that the way he treated me was not okay. the way he fucked around with me for so long. he just played with me when i was at my most vunerable. i used to say, i know he cares he just doesn't know how to show it. well, fuck you, show it. and if you don't --- then obviously you don't care. yes, i had sex with your best friend...not cool. i realize this. but you know what else was not cool, telling your friends that we weren't even dating. i need to tell him that he helped me hit bottom. i need to tell him how badly he made me feel...and how addicting that bad feeling was. and even when i am happy...when i get upset, it always leads me to him...and i hate that so much. i want him gone. i want closure. i want to be disgusted with him. i want to hate him....not better yet, i want to be disinterested. thats what i want. bored. bored with his same old shit. bored with his non-sensical ramblings thinking he is smarter than everyone else. i think the smartest people are straight forward. to confuse people is to shield them from your stupidity. be real. talk normally. fuck you. you aren't smart. you are a pompus ass for no reason. you have nothing to offer but synasism and anyone can be negative, pick something new.
i want to be honest with him for the first time. tell him how much i loved him, and how i still think about him. but the thought of him only makes me sick of that person that i used to be, that push over, that disgusting slob of a person who couldn't say no. well, i tell you what, love is saying no. and god knows i can say no now. i do what i want to do. i hate that person who used to be with him. i hated myself so much back then i tried to kill myself. and when i think about the stuff i used to do for him, the way i just worshipped him makes me sick. it doesn't even hurt my feelings any more, it pisses me off.
but i also know that closure with joel is the only real way to really give myself to darren. to be with him completely with no outside thoughts, no doubts, no undone issues....i need to be done with joel.
i used to think i was incapable of being angry, well, i found my anger. if i could throw a brick through a window i would right now. i am ready to scream. i am ready to make myself known. this is me joel, i don't give a shit, judge me please, cause all you do is judge other people, try judging your own fat ass. or here is a new fucking idea, don't judge, just be for once in your fucking life. hold my hand and know that it just is. don't tell me the next day that it didn't happen. just let it be. just hold my hand. just be happy being happy...don't judge it. just be it. |
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| in no particular order --- just a few |
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| 01:00am 16/03/2008 |
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1)Pick 20 of your favorite movies.
2) Go to IMDB and find a quote from each of them.
3) Post them here for everyone to guess.
4) Fill in the film title once it is guessed.
5) NO GOOGLING/ using IMDB Search Functions.
1- Hello handsome. You're a good looking fellow, do you know that? People laugh at you, people hate you, but why do they hate you? Because... they are jealous. Look at that boyish face. Look at that sweet smile. Do you wanna talk about physical strength? Do you want to talk about sheer muscle? Do you want to talk about the Olympian ideal? You are a God. And listen to me, you are not evil. You... are... good.
2 - Ribs. I had ribs for lunch, that's why I'm doing this.
3 - I just can't believe this is the same man who told his six-year-old daughter that Christmas was a Republican capitalistic conspiracy created by the Hallmark Corporation and that, if Jesus were alive today he'd be down in Nicaragua rallying the Sandinistas. Grace Away.
4 - I have three Dobermans, and if I didn't kick them in the balls on a regular basis, I'd never get anything done.
5 - Yes. I am relieved to know that I am not a golem.
6 - Everything. OK! I'll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max's toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog... When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out... But the worst thing I ever done - I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa - and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life.
7 - I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.
8 - Why would a reviewer make the point of saying someone's *not* a genius? Do you especially think I'm *not* a genius? You didn't even have to think about it, did you? |
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| unshared moments |
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| 12:41am 16/03/2008 |
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i feel like there are times in your life that are best experienced alone and some that are best experienced with others. for instance....nature in general....as far as being on a mountain and watching the sunrise....best experienced alone. i think that in that example, being alone makes you realize that everything is so big around you....and your problems are obsolete(sp) and that the beautiful world will be there every day and nothing can be that bad when you see something that amazing and wonderful.
and then there are somethings best experienced with others. and there are some moments that you want to experience with a certain special someone. like for instance, watching a movie that is very special to you...with your significant other....it comes to the part that makes you cry....that made you realize something special about yourself and you want to share this part of you with someone that means something in order for them to get to know you better....and you look over....and they are sleeping.
as i watch him sleep right now....i think...maybe its not there. maybe what i thought might happen with this person is not going to happen...maybe i was wrong.
or here's another maybe --- maybe i am crazy...and my standards are too high. maybe the guy was just tired. maybe i am trying to find an excuse to end things with him because i am scared.
or maybe...i am not ready even though i thought i was for a serious relationship. maybe i will never be ready. i just don't want to feel alone....mentally or emotionally....i mean, isn't that the point of companionship to feel like you aren't alone in your crazy fucking head? lonliness is such a terrible feeling. one that doesn't make you feel normal or worthy. i feel weird and not in a good way. |
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| new years survey |
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| 01:25am 31/12/2007 |
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this was written in 2005/2006...now its time to look back and forward
DURING 2005
How many boyfriends? 0
How many breakups? 0
How many crushes? too many to count
Care to mention names? crushes: eric triebe, ben schaub as always, um...who else, derek, travis
Had to say goodbye to? shelley who went to ireland, amy who went to italy, all my friends who went to school...
Missed anyone? my parents...my friends
Win anything? um...not that i remember
Best place you went to? probably the lake this summer...
Worst place you went to? humphreys that one night..haha
How was your birthday? i wish i could remember it...
Best present? my shoes from amy for christmas...or my shot book from amy
Best party? um....i had a great time on my birthday...i had a good time at the soccer/softball party...and i had a great time at new years...
FAVORITES OF THE YEAR
Movie: wedding crashers
Album: fiona apple - extraordinary machine, damien rice - O, feist
Song: fiona apple - extraordinary machine
Month: august, or september...
Lesson you've learned from 2005: um...that i need to focus more on my health and on my school work
Hope for the next year: to be healthy and happy and focus on myself and my work a little more
Clothing item or outfit of the year: my element and volcom shirts...my blue hat....and my new gold shoes...haha
Hairstyle of the year: short bangs
Jewelry of the year: my hoop earrings
Makeup product of the year: what?
Color of the year: light pink and teal
Car of the year: carl my corrolla?
Boy of the year: the boy i was most obsessed with most of the year was triebe, even tho he sucks
Food of the year: chips and salsa
Drink of the year: rum and diet
Class of the year: female sexuality
Appliance of the year: what? the shower?
Recreational activity of the year: drinking?
Means of Communication of the year: aim
Gift of the year: didn't we already say that one
Holiday of the year: halloween
Achievement(s) of the year: getting better grades and working harder
2005...
1. What did you do in 2005 that you'd never done before? sex would probably be the biggest thing
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? didn't really make any i don't think
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? yes, two people
4. Did anyone close to you die? no, thank goodness, i couldn't take that anymore
5. What countries did you visit? america
6. What would you like to have in 2006 that you lacked in 2005? a boyfriend would be great
7. What date from 2005 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? the same ones from last year.....my parents birthdays and death
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? focusing more on school than last year...
9. What was your biggest failure? drinking too much
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? yeah, tore my labram and had surgery
11. What was the best thing you bought? my computer
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? ???
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Shocked? ???
14. Where did most of your money go? alcohol and clothes
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? my shoes for christmas, my birthday....
16. What song will always remind you of 2005? my humps, na-na-na-na
17. Compared to this time last year, are you...
i. happier or sadder? Deffinatly happier
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? art, studying
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? worrying, crying
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it already
24. What was your favorite TV program? american idol, the OC, daisy does america
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? ugh...
26. What was the best book you read? harry potter 4, the hidden hand
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? tietur lassen, fruit bats, feist
28. What did you want and get? um...not much
29. What did you want and not get? money...an ipod
30. What was your favorite film of this year? wedding crashers
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i got shitty...it was my 21st
32. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? to have my parents back
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? i gave into some fashion trends...
34. What kept you sane? my friends...
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? um...peter sarsgaard
36. What political issue stirred you the most? what issue didn't stir me...stupid idiot george bush...probably gay marriage...or the war
37. Who did you miss? my parents, my friends when they were gone....
38. Who was the best new person you met? steph ackerman is pretty great....but my new baby cousins are amazing...
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: ???
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I stop my rambling
I don't do too much gambling these days
Its just that I've been losing, so long
DURING 2007
How many boyfriends? 2 probably i would say
How many breakups? 2 big ones
How many crushes? too many to count
Care to mention names? crushes: i had a crush on robbie...which is over, joel...over, mark...over...zach who i work with....right now i have a crush on alex...who i am dating...and i always have a crush on richard
Had to say goodbye to? joel and mark
Missed anyone? my parents....my friends...my boys....joel
Win anything? um....i mean, i am really competitive....so i win a lot...but nothing big
Best place you went to? chicago to see joel
Worst place you went to? the hospital
How was your birthday? it was good actually. i bought a car.
Best present? joel painted me on his wall...that was nice.
Best party? party....hmmm....probably one of my times with the boys. we had a good time everywhere we went
FAVORITES OF THE YEAR
Movie: knocked up...winter passing...or stranger than fiction
Album: amy winehouse was a good one...but i pretty much became obsessed with jack johnson this year...and corinne bailey rae
Song: song for you - alexi murdoch and i will follow you into the dark - death cab
Month: august, or september...
Lesson you've learned from 2007: i have to love myself before i can love anyone else....and that the only person i can rely on is myself
Hope for the next year: to be happy and healthy...
Clothing item or outfit of the year: i wore my studded belt and skinny jeans a lot this year.
Hairstyle of the year: i really like it dyed red underneath. but i do miss my black hair and long bangs
Jewelry of the year: my lip ring
Makeup product of the year: i now wear lip gloss
Color of the year: red
Car of the year: my new honda!
Boy of the year: joel and mark are probably tied
Food of the year: boneless buffalo wings
Drink of the year: rum and diet
Class of the year: fashion i guess....even though i hated it....thats really all i took
Appliance of the year: the forman grill
Recreational activity of the year: drinking?
Means of Communication of the year: texting
Gift of the year: my car???
Holiday of the year: my birthday probably this year....
Achievement(s) of the year: getting help and being honest with myself
2007...
1. What did you do in 2007 that you'd never done before? fallen in love probably....and also went into a crazy house
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? didn't really make any i don't think
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? yes
4. Did anyone close to you die? not really close to....but yes, people that i knew died this year....
5. What countries did you visit? america
6. What would you like to have in 2008 that you lacked in 2007? stability
7. What date from 2007 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? july 14th....thats the day i cried and cried and cried....because of mark
8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? i did so much....its hard to say...getting help probably
9. What was your biggest failure? drinking too much, quitting school
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? always
11. What was the best thing you bought? my car
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? shelley
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? Shocked? mark
14. Where did most of your money go? alcohol and clothes
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? joel and mark....and graduation....woops.
16. What song will always remind you of 2005? probably something stupid and popular, like crazy bitch...or that stupid rockstar song --- but for me....i will follow you into the dark was it for me.
17. Compared to this time last year, are you...
i. happier or sadder? probably happier since i had just broken up with joel
ii. thinner or fatter? fatter
iii. richer or poorer? poorer
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? loving
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? worrying, crying
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it already
24. What was your favorite TV program? american idol, so you think you can dance
25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? yes
26. What was the best book you read? this year? hm....probably motherless daughters
27. What was your greatest musical discovery? regina spektor, amy winehouse
28. What did you want and get? some boys....
29. What did you want and not get? too much
30. What was your favorite film of this year? knocked up (see above)
31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you? i worked, bought a car...then went out to dinner.
32. What's one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? to have my parents back
33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2005? more punk than before....more rockabilly too....
34. What kept you sane? the mental institution?
35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? will ferrell...zooey deschanel
36. What political issue stirred you the most? what issue didn't stir me...stupid idiot george bush...probably gay marriage...or the war
37. Who did you miss? my parents, some friends
38. Who was the best new person you met? i met a lot of people at work....me and shelley really bonded....i mean, i like alex a lot right now...but we shall see. i thought mark was....but clearly was not.
39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2005: you can't save anyone unless they want to be saved.
40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
I won't regret
'Cause you can grow flowers
From where dirt used to be --- kate nash
and i know its hard to make it through
when you say...there's something wrong
and i see you hiding your face in your hands
flying so you won't land
you think no one understands....no one understands...
--- alexi murdoch |
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| we are just breakable |
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| 02:02am 05/12/2007 |
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feeling a little low tonight. no particular reason. maybe there is actually.
there is a boy who likes me. his name is robbie. he is nice. i like him, but there is something that just isn't there. he drinks too much...too much for me especially who is trying to tone my own drinking down. he is depressed and he is just starting to get his shit together. but he makes me sad because i want it to be there with him, but i just don't think it is. i am trying really hard. we are strangely simular, but different in lots of ways. i am starting to feel closer with him, allow him in a little more every day. i think its because he has convinced me of how much he likes me.
he likes to hang out with me...and my friends. he wants me to hang out with him and his friends. he likes to be around me. he didn't try to have sex with me right away...we waited 3 weeks. he likes just cuddling and hanging out. he says he "digs" me. and i "rock his world" haha. he is a dork. i worry about freaking him out, like i was very wary about asking him to come to new years with me. he was so excited that i asked him and said yes right away.
but he rests his front teeth on his bottom lip. he weighs less than i do. his eyes sort of sag down at the sides. he wears long johns under his jeans. he drinks too much and when he is drunk and i am sober, he can get pretty annoying.
am i picking? am i trying not to like someone who is great? or am i trying to like someone who i don't like?
my friends like him. everyone likes him....i like him. i just don't know how much.
its like you aren't supposed to compare people to each other, but with joel, it was there...right away it was there. the comfort level was there. the way he just got me. with christopher it was too. with mark it took a little longer...cause i wasn't attracted to him right away...and i wasn't really attracted to robbie right away either. i don't know.
i think with joel and christopher, its like they read me right away....and then took advantage of the fact that they could do that. i don't know.
i don't know how i feel. i just know how i am.
like with mark, i didn't like him that much at the beginning, but i convinced myself to like him, to care for him, to love him....then as soon as i did that, he fucked me over.
i just emotionally can't take being hurt again. i just don't want to make myself get invested in something....only to be hurt, when i didn't really superly feel it in the first place you know? ugh.
but for now, i think things are good. i like him. he makes me smile. its nice to know that someone likes you. we get along well. we are both so laid back that we just kinda talk calmly about everything, even if we disagree, which we haven't done much. he is a good guy...although troubled, a really really good guy. and a good guy that likes me.
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| hot hot music |
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| 12:55am 30/11/2007 |
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i am so happy that itunes finally released amy winehouse--frank in the US. so now all i am waiting for it tyler james---unlikely lad and i will be a happy person.
kate nash is my new girlfriend for sure...i wish i could find her whole CD instead of just her EP. i just want to go to england so that i can steal all their music and men, then leave.
work is going well lately...good money at the restaraunt and i have started up doing private hitting lessons at the baseball and fastpitch academy...which is 25 bucks for 30 minutes...which is ridiculous actually. i am way pumped about it and its been real fun so far. i need to get some more clients...but other than that, its been awesome.
my personal life is good right now as well. i have started hanging out with a new boy. his name is robbie and he actually went to high school with me, and i totally had a crush on him in high school...and he had one on me...but nothing ever happened. and now...it is happening. he is real great. really nice, kinda fucked up, but we all know thats how i like them. he is such a cute kid...i am not super attracted to him physically....but i am attracted to his personality. we haven't slept together and we have been hanging out for a little over 2 weeks now...which is a long time for me. but its so nice, because he doesn't care...he is like, i just really like you....and i totally dig hanging out with you. so its so nice. :)
i am trying to take things slowly...but i take nothing slowly...so slow for me is like super fast for someone else. but he is out of town tonight...which is cool cause i think we need to take a day off, cause we basically have seen each other every day for 2 weeks. we have the same birthday which is kinda funny. we are simular in our interests and our past, but as far as personalities...we are pretty different. he is probably more out there and more laid back than me...but i think i am super laid back person....he is laid back in a pot head way. but he is really cool at the same time.
cons would be --- he is a very jealous person....which for right now is really really cute....but later, it might not be. he is really skinny...kinda makes me feel like a fat cow....but i am sure that is something i will get over...but i have never dated a boy this skinny...and at the same time i have never been this fat. he also doesn't take that good of care of himself....for instance --- he showers like twice a week...kinda gross...he drinks way more than i do....which might be a bad influence for me...and i don't want to have another my boyfriend is an alcoholic situation....and he doesn't pay bills....take care of errands...etc like me...which could be another thing that might be a bad influence, cause i am like oh well, robbie isn't doing it either.
but he makes me feel good about myself. he is an independent person...he does what he wants....and so do i...which is great....no co-dependantness anywhere so far....but he includes me in his plans...his friends are really nice and really cool. and you can tell alot about a person by their friends....so thats awesome. he also lacks emotion the same way i do...in the fact that when something happens we don't really react...then when things build up...we just kind of lose it. but we are so laid back that hopefully their won't really be much arguing.
well, i guess thats enough babble about nothing. later. |
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| worst week every year... |
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| 10:19pm 15/11/2007 |
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sunday was my dad's 3 year....yesterday was my dad's birthday...he would be 67. today was my mom's birthday...she would be 57.
yesterday was a really emotional day for me. this whole week has been emotional, but yesterday was the worst. i miss them so much. i went to visit them today.
its almost like when i am there, and i sit down....the only way i feel like i can feel them is by running my fingers over their name. it like helps me feel like i am touching them. i miss touching their skin. hugging my dad with his big belly. or touching my mom's smooth hand in the car. i miss their smells. its sad that that is the only way i can feel them again is by touching a cold stone in the ground, that is the closest i will ever come to touching them again. but its all i have, and i do think it helps.
happy birthday mom and dad. |
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| my body's movin fast but my spirit's broken |
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| 12:24am 08/11/2007 |
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where am i now?
its so interesting how the phases of my life have been so different and so concrete...and as people we change so much, but always remain the same....we are always ourselves....but are so different.
when i was young, confidence poured out of me. especially in middle school, when people are most awkward, i was so sure of myself, so comfortable with my strangeness and awkwardness, was so confident, so interesting, so great. i went to high school and began to doubt myself. but then i finally found a niche around my junior or senior year....and then my mom got sick.
and i look back at pictures when my mom was sick, i look so void. void of emotion, but sad at the same time. just like going through the motions, probably very confused and not really sure how to react, and i can see that in pictures. the going through of emotions....like okay, now i am supposed to be happy and smile, so i will, even though i am not.
then i go to college and really experiment, begin to come back into my own again. start express my difference again, feel like i am finally finding myself again....then my mom dies....then my dad dies....then the pictures and just all together different. i am drunk in every single one i have of myself. i look so happy and like i am having so much fun, but i remember differently. i remember crying every day and not going to class. so maybe pictures don't show everything. but there is something so sad about being happy for the wrong reasons. and you can see that in my eyes....like i am happy but my brain isn't there. its like my body is happy but my brain isn't having any part of it....its out.
and now, what do i look like now. i think, i am able to show my emotions better now. i think my eyes look darker than ever before. i think my face is showing sadness, i think my body shows where i have been more than ever before. i am gaining weight, getting tattoos. i have a lack of confidence that shows in pictures. i am more reserved. i don't smile as much. i cover myself up more with clothes now. i am more comfortable with who i am now...but i still look at all of these pictures of myself at different points and i look like different people.
which is why i think i change how i look so much. i feel like a different person. when i cut my hair for the first time for locks of love, my mom was very very sick....it was in may...and she died in july. when i cut my hair short for the very first time, my dad had just gotten sick. i got my eyebrow pierced when my dad was in the hospital.
the different dye jobs....the different piercings...the different clothes, they all come when i need to feel different. when i wake up and feel like a different person and need something to show it, to express it.
those people who never change how they look. who always have the same haircut, who always seem to stick in the same style, i wonder if they ever feel like they are different people. or if they just have never been through anything to make them feel like they are not the same person anymore.
i think that is the hardest part of grieving. finding out where you fit. where you belong now. where this new person in this same old body belongs. and being okay with being different...being okay with changing constantly. and trying to find your way back to somewhere where you once knew...but are having trouble finding now. |
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| random news from the home front |
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| 01:09am 18/10/2007 |
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-working a double tomorrow...a double friday...closing saturday night....and working another double on sunday. i should probably be sleeping to rest up for all that.
-my boobs finally grew...it only took me 23 years! i am not a 34 C. it may or may not be because my stomach has also increased in size...and so has my ass...and the rest of my body for that matter. aka --- i am getting fat, but trying to stay positive and just say that my boobs are getting bigger.
-went through my phone and did something i should have done a long time ago. any guy who wasn't really interested in me...who treated me badly...who i would drunk dial and make a fool out of myself with...i deleted their numbers. mark is gone forever. joel is gone forever. jimmy hammerstones --- gone. dan okeefe --- gone. it feels good to not feel like you are being walked over and treated like a fucking slut.
-had a really good fun argumentative conversation with my not-so-cousin nick tonight who lives in texas. it was really good to talk to him because we used to be really close, and when he moved back to texas we kinda grew apart, so it was good to speak with him, arguing the way we used to.
-i can't wait to fall in love, but i can wait. the reason i can't wait is because i can't wait to see who the one i will end up with will be. how funny he will be. how happy he will make me. how much he will teach me, and how much i will teach him. how much fun we will have together. how we will just fit. i can't wait for that.
-i have been very lonely waiting for the one for me, but i think now more than ever, i am more willing to wait. more comfortable waiting. i even visited my parents for the first time in probably 2 years on monday. it was a really hard day and all i wanted to do was see them, hug them, talk to them....so i tried the cemetary again....and for the first time, i was able to really break down and let everything go and talk to them, and feel them around me in the air, in the trees, in my heart trying to mend it. it was a hard, very emotional day, but i am glad that i worked up the nerve to do it.
-i guess thats really all for now. christine and adam got married last weekend...their wedding made me want to murder myself for more than one reason, but i will say that its the first time that i feel like i saw adam and christine happy while being together. i was happy for them. i did even shed a few tears.
-time for bed. |
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