Give Up, Give In, Lie Down

wow its been a while since i've updated this. lol. it seems that its always how it goes. oh well. i just can't get over the fact that the only way to get ahold of people these days is to be online. its just too hard to get people's numbers. i'm moving out of my apartment here at the shoe factory sometime soon. although i really don't know. i just wanna live someplace that dipshit assholes won't try to control my fuckin life. they've been there since day one. my life has been fucked over too many times from these mutha fuckers. i don't take this shit anymore. i will do what ever the fuck i want in my own goddamn apartment that i slave over to pay for and if you can't accept that you are gonna be hurting very soon cause you ain't goin into the military. cause your gonna fail your piss test you dumbshit.


sorry about that peoples. i needed to get a little stress out. its just that i work my ass of and i come home to somebody who thinks that i'm there little servant and when i do favor for just fucking throws it back in my face. so much for being there for buddies. people wanting to be around me need to learn some fucking respect. DAMN! i'm just trying to do my own thing and i don't ask for much. and just when you think people would let you they just fucking drop bombs wanting you to bow to their inutile needs.argh. what i wouldn't give to live in some older times. i prolly did but was one of those people i'm attacking right now.
karmas a bitch man. just when you think your on "that" path you stay from it ever more. i don't show people hostility anymore unless thats all they give me. am i'm not being fair here. what did i ever do to you that deserves this ill proper treatment. i'm about to leave all this bullshit and just find a new life. i don't need this anymore. i want that part of my heart back. i won't take this anymore. its preventing me from my little peace of paradise. i just my heart back. i'm determined to find it wherever it may be.

Let me feel the strength that you felt
Still hunting in your eyes
Let me taste the life that you have tasted
Let me feel the power of your supplies
Let me reach my goal
Give me the shimmering in your eyes

I'm here to claim my soul
And the shimmering in your eyes
The other half of me
And all the pieces are left behind
I'm here to claim my soul
And the shimmering in your eyes
The other half of me
And all the pieces are left behind
That are left behind

You are my drugs
You are my demens
Am I still alive?
I always knew some thing were missing

Let me feel the pain that you felt
I'm still counting the days
Still drifting, searching for myself
For myself...

I'm here to claim my soul
And the shimmering in your eyes
The other half of me
And all the pieces are left behind
I'm here to claim my soul
And the shimmering in your eyes
The other half of me
And all the pieces are left behind
That are left behind

I'm here to claim my soul
And the shimmering in your eyes
The other half of me
And all the pieces are left behind
I'm here to claim my soul
And the shimmering in your eyes
The other half of me
And all the pieces are left behind
I'm here to claim my soul
And the shimmering in your eyes
The other half of me
And all the pieces are left behind
That are left behind

I'm sorry
that i bought you roses
to tell you that i like you

I'm sorry
That I was raised with respect
not to sleep with you when you were drunk

I'm sorry
That my body's not ripped enough
to "satisfy" your wants

I'm sorry
that I open your car door,
and pull out your chair like I was raised

I'm sorry
That I'm not cute enough
to be "your guy"

I'm sorry
That I am actually nice;
not an asshole

I'm sorry
I don't have a huge bank account
to buy you expensive things

I'm sorry
I like to spend quality nights at home
cuddling with you, instead of goin out..

I'm sorry
I would rather make love to you then just
fuck you like some random guy.

I'm sorry
That I am always the one you need to talk to,
but never good enough to date


I'm sorry
That I am there to pick you up at 4am when your new man hit you and dropped you off in the middle of nowhere,
but not good enough to listen to me when I need a friend

I'm sorry
If I start not being there, and being used as a door mat, only to be thrown to the side when the new asshole comes around

I'm sorry
If I don't answer my phone anymore when you call, to listen to you cry for hours,

I'm sorry that you can't realize.. I've been the one all along.

I'm sorry
If you read this and know somebody like this
but don't care But most of all

I'm sorry
For not being sorry anymore

I'm sorry
That you can't accept me for who I am

I'm sorry
I can't ever do anything right, and nothing that I do is good
enough to make it in your world.


I'm sorry
That I told you I loved you and actually meant it.


I'm Sorry
That i cared

I'm sorry
that I listen to you at night talk about how you wish you could have done something different.

Ladies always bitch and bitch to their friends that there is never any good guys out there, and they always end up with assholes who mistreat them. Well ladies next time you're bitching, maybe look up to see who you're bitching to, maybe that special someone is right there hanging on your every word as usual, screaming in his head "Why won't you give me a chance?"
Because the person you are usually searching for is right by you.

well about the only thing new going on is that i start my job in a few days. even if it does suck at least i'm getting paid to do it.

i've learn a few things about myself lately. its strange how so many things don't make sense until you learn to see things in the right sorta light. then things that puzzled you before are clear as day. the crazy things our minds do.

i guess i'm pretty good in terms of being happy and living. i'm grateful for what i have now. even though it isn't much. its a good lesson to learn i spose.

i'm gonna go to bed. later.

wow. i just spent the last hour or so looking at all my old journal entries. things have changed. i've grown up a bit since then but i'm glad to see plainly the differences between now and then. so many memories. i barely even remember writing them. it makes me sad seeing all those things i wrote about. and now all i write about is how bad love sucks and my pathetic attempts to ease my mind over the issue. i can't believe how i've been so stuck on myself about it. right now i do feel lonely, etc. but this has got to stop. no more of this. i want to change. i need to move on.

i'll no longer lie to myself. i have for too long about this. god i justl.jlkfdksalfmcl vkdmfv

well yesterday i thought i was just going to hang out and watch a movie and retire early for the evening. that all changed when evan got a call from his coworker and he had some goodies. from there it was evan drinking and just hanging out with him, scott, max and pretty much just hung out over at max's and had a good time. evan blacked out which was a little funny for a while but then started to get a little old when you have to explain the night in detail like fifty billion times. j/k. evan your a badass. i can't hold liquor like that so i envy you for that. last night was the last time for a few weeks that i'm gonna poke smot. when it was time to leave i drove scott to his house and then me and evan just hung out in 23 hour parking from like 12:30 to about 2:30 when the midnight showing of pirates let out. from there evan left and i went to emily's. i couldn't sleep cause i still felt wide awake. so i watched serenity and just friends and went to bed. last night i was still contemplating whether or not i should go back to school or not this fall. maybe i should. who knows... maybe i'll just keep it in mind for the time being.

Don't run away
Cause I can't live without you
Please stay
And I learn to love you right

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
I've been crying for you
Die for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I'm not going to
Lose you tonight

Don't run away
I never wanted to hide you
Please stay
And I learn to treat you right

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I've been crying for you
Die for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I'm not going to
Lose you tonight

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I've been crying for you
Die for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I'm not going to
Lose you tonight

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life

Oh, I can't live without you

And I've been crying for you
Die for you all this time

I never want adore you

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I'm not going to
Lose you tonight

I'm going to lose you tonight

I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I've been crying for you
Die for you all this time
I was waiting for you
Waiting for all my life
And I'm going to
Lose you tonight

1) what do you like best about me:
[ ]personality
[ ]looks
[ ]both

(2) what would you change about me:
[ ] my age
[ ] where i live

(3) what would you probably call me:
[ ] cute
[ ] hot
[ ] sexy

(4) would you rather:
[ ] hang out with me at a party
[ ] see a movie with me


(5) if you had a choice, would you:
[ ] want to be just friends
[ ] want to be more then friends

(6) have you ever wanted to tell me something but couldn't?
[ ]yes
[ ]no
If so- tell me now:



(7) If you could ask me one question what would it be?



(8) have you ever talked crap about me? Be honest.
[ ] yes
[ ] no
If yes- tell me why:

(9) What's my best feature?


(10) What's my worst feature?


Would/will you? Y OR N
[ ] Come to my house to do nothing at but chill?
[ ] Fight me?
[ ] Kiss me?
[ ] Let me kiss you?
[ ] Watch a movie with me?
[ ] Go out to dinner with me?
[ ] Let me drive you somewhere?
[ ] Drink with me?
[ ] Take me home for the night?
[ ] Let me sleep in your bed?
[ ] Sing car karaoke w/ me?
[ ] Re-post this for me to answer your questions?
[ ] Come pick me up at 3 am because my car ran out of gas in the middle of nowhere?
[ ] Lock me in your room and take advantage of me?
[ ] Let me make you breakfast?
[ ] Help me with homework?
[ ] Tickle me?
[ ] Let me tickle you?
[ ] Stick up for me if I was being put down?
[ ] Instant message me?
[ ] Greet me in public?
[ ] Hang out with me?
[ ] Bring me around your friends?
[ ] Be down with me no matter what?
[ ] Go to prom with me?
[ ] Do anything to hurt me?
[ ] Cheat on me?


D0 Y0U...
[ ] think im cute?
[ ] think im serious?
[ ] think im a good person?
[ ] think im conceided?
[ ] want to kiss me?
[ ] want to cuddle with me?
[ ] want to hook up with me?
[ ] think I can fight?
[ ] think I would 'do' you?


AM I...
[ ] smart?
[ ] cute?
[ ] funny?
[ ] cool?
[ ] romantic?
[ ] gangsta?
[ ] loveable?
[ ] adorable?
[ ] trustworthy
[ ] compassionate?
[ ] great to be with?
[ ] attractive?
[ ] mean?
[ ] well known?
[ ] moody?

HAVE Y0U EVER...
[ ] thought about hooking up with me?
[ ] found yourself wanting a kiss from me?
[ ] wished I were there?
[ ] had a crush on me?
[ ] wanted my number?
[ ] had a dream about me?
[ ] been distracted by me?
[ ] looked at my page more than ten times?


ARE Y0U...
[ ] happy you know me?
[ ] thinking about me?
[ ] wanting to call me to talk about these things?
[ ] going to repost this?

the past week has been a blur. i've been many forms of messed up for too long. things have happened that i'm still quite in confusion about. is there something going on that i'm not aware of. things seem to have been going great but i feel like nothing at all is happening. it feels like i'm starting to lose everything again. i don't want to. i just wanna be happy and make you happy in anyway i can.

i've talked to you and i have said things. i don't feel that i have even said the right things. i wish i could say all the things that are in my head but when it comes to telling you i jumble it all up. i can't even say the right words. i need to stop poking smot. for my own piece of mind. so i can live. so i can THINK.

i'm all confused about so many things so this prolly won't make sense. my thoughts are just too scrambled to be any use to anyone. i don't want to be like this anymore.

i want to be happy.
i want to be in love.
i want a life that i don't wanna sleep away.
a life where everything in it you have to take a sec and be humble from the beauty in it.

i just want to be able to tell you everything without hiding it from you. i've spent so much time building up these walls to hide away from you and now i just want them gone.

why do i feel so bad. i don't want to feel this anymore.

i feel i already screwed up. i just don't know what is going on anymore.

does anyone know