usefulnomore

I'm home for the holidays and I hate it.
I got drunk the other night and blacked out. Luckily I had a friend with me who was looking out for me. But I am going to try really hard not to drink anymore. I just can't take it anymore. My friends hate me because I get too drunk, and I do stupid shit.
I want to be a better person, and drinking until I pass out, isn't one of the things I need to be doing to get to that point.
My new year's resoultion is to stop drinking, work out, become healthy and not do anything to fuck up my marriage. Since Im known for fucking shit up, especially when something is going as great as my marriage is. I don't want to be this person anymore. I really don't. I can't take it anymore. Im so selfish, and such a liar. I don't know how I got to be this way, but I want to change it before its too late and someone finds out how much of a horrible person I really am.
I don't think I could deal with it, if my husband left me. I honestly think I'd do something really stupid. So I need to fix myself before its too late.
I love him, I really do, I just can't let this happen to me for a second time.

txt message at 1am: in my phone
"geez ur always tryin to numb yourself arent u"

Whether it be drinking or tryin to get something else for the night.
I'm not sure why I do it. I guess I have a hard time dealing with the person I really am. It's hard to even write about the person I think I am or want to be.

I'm always alone.
When I was little, my parents thought I liked to be alone in my room doing my own thing. When really I wanted nothing more than their attention.
I think that's why I do the things that I do now, because I seem to always need attention or affection. I really would like to understand myself better. But I really don't know where to start.
I drink to make myself feel better. When I go out, I drink even more to gain attention from the men I want. I know this isn't good for me, but I do it anyway.
I think I'm like a man in a lot of ways. I go out, drink, get drunk and go home with some random person. I find that extremely exciting. Not that I'm trying to find a new man, or a husband, but just to do it, and get it done. Kind of like a hunt. And then to have 5 or 6 boys in my phone, calling every weekend, that gets me going.

I guess you should call me a slut.. But guys do it, so it should be ok right?

-alone.