Grateful, Part 4

I'm grateful for bad days.  I realized bad days make great days even better.  Bad days give me something to look forward to the next day.

I'm grateful for a good friend who knows me better than I know myself and knows exactly what to say to brighten the worst of days and to make a great day even better.

I'm grateful for good roommates.  Roommates who are thoughtful and considerate.  I've had so many bad experiences with roommates.  Mean girls who would do things just to spite me.  Messy slobs who didn't know what a clean dish would look like if it hit them in the head.  Irresponsible crazies who didn't know how to pay rent or bills on time and brought questionable people around.  I can't tell you how nice it is to live with people who respect privacy and boundaries and happen to be your friend too.

Grateful, Part 3

1. Ramen noodles.  I know, there is something wrong with being thankful for ramen.  I don't care how much crap people talk about it or how unhealthy it may be, I think it's freaking delish.  And it takes 2 seconds to make at work.  Perfect for the days I barely have time to breathe, let alone eat.
2.  Ben & Jerry's.  Josie brought me a pint after work tonight.  Also delish.
3.  American Idol.  Nothing like people who think they can sing to make you laugh.
4.  Jack's Mannequin.  If you haven't ever listened, go.  NOW.  Talk about something to make you grateful.  Andrew McMahon got leukemia, fought leukemia and kicked leukemia's trash.  If that doesn't make you feel grateful for the life you have, I don't know what will.

Things To Be Thankful For, Part Two

1.  My job.  I know, I know.  This one is recycled from yesterday.  But seriously.  I love it.
2.  My team that I supervise at work.  They recognized me for the work I do during our department meeting today.  It was a pretty rad surprise.  I love my team.  They're pretty awesome.
3.  Weekly emails from my brother, Ammon.  He is one of the humblest and driven people I know.  I admire him so much for the decision he has made to put his life aside for 2 years and spend that two years on a mission for the LDS church.
4.  Glee is back on today.  New episodes, new songs.  Makings for a good Tuesday night.

Radical Self Love - Resolution 2012

Being the new year and all, I've been debating on whether or not to make a resolution.  I don't usually even bother.  They are typically something superficial and something that I am just going to forget about or stop caring about a few weeks in.  This being my 25th year on this planet, I decided if I am going to do a resolution, it's gotta be something good.  Something big.  Something that will make a big enough difference in my life to change me.  Make me a better person.  

I was perusing my new favorite website here.  One of the articles mentioned how much they love galadarling.  I clicked on the link and started browsing.  This girl, Gala Darling, is pretty freaking rad.  She is a complete individual and is an expert in what she has deemed "radical self love."  She blogs, she helps, she inspires.  So, perusing her website, I came across her Radical Self-Love Manifesto.  I decided to make it my resolution for 2012.  It's exactly the kind of thing I was looking for.

So I decided that I would start working on each of these things, a day at a time, a week at a time, a month at a time.  It's a difficult thing, trying to truly love yourself.  No matter what we tell ourselves, there is always something that you wish you were better at, wish was different or wish you could change.  That is what this year is going to be about for me.  Trying to get myself to that point where I am perfectly happy with who I am and where I am.  Where I set goals for myself that I can and will achieve and be able to be proud of my accomplishments.

So what am I going to work on this week??  Number one.  Strive to always be thankful and optimistic.  I find myself everyday being blessed beyond belief.  I just struggle to recognized these blessings everyday because I tend to let them be overshadowed by anything bad that has happened.  So, each day this week, it is my goal to make a list of the good. The things I should be thankful for.  

TODAY I am grateful for:

-An amazing job.  Am I stressed 90% of the time?  Absolutely.  Is everyday perfect? No.  But I have a full-time job in an economy where people struggle everyday to find a job and to make ends meet.  I don't have to worry about that.  

-A pretty awesome boss.  She never fails to make sure that I feel appreciated and doesn't hesitate to give me whatever I need to keep me there, or to make my job easier.  I have never worked somewhere where I have felt like the work I does matters, that I am valuable and that I can't be replaced.  She does all that and more.  It's pretty awesome.

-Good friends.  2011 was the year that tried friendships, that changed the way I looked at people and showed me who will really be there for you when all hell breaks loose.  I sincerely appreciate the friendships that were strengthened and even the ones that fizzled out and disappointed me.  I appreciate the lessons learned.

-My family.  Far and near, they are the greatest thing in my life.  They always want what is best for me and push me to be the best person that I can be.  They may not always agree with the choices that I make in life, but they love me regardless and never fail to show it.  They make me laugh and remind me that I always have someone, even when I feel alone.

There you have it.  Grateful.  And happier for it.

Putting an end to writer's block

I've avoided this blog for awhile, trying to grasp all of my thoughts into a coherent string.  I've had a bit of writer's block while I've figured out my life.  I'm writing this hoping to end that block.

I would like to think that I've grown.  That I've changed.  That I've become a better and a different person.  That I would no longer allow myself to be in any kind of relationship that doesn't make me a better person and that doesn't allow me to grow.  I'd like to think that I am more independent, more confident and better able to make decisions for myself that allow me to grow further.   I'd like to think that I'm figuring out who I am, what I want out to life and how to achieve those goals.  I'd like to think that I'm happy.

I don't know if that is the case.  Maybe I'm just faking it.  But maybe, just maybe, I'm starting to figure life out.  And maybe I am stronger than I ever thought I was.

After 3+ years of being in a serious relationship and having that end in shambles, I have to have learned SOMETHING, right?  So what have I learned?  I think that I've learned that everything happens for a reason.  Every person is put into your life at a certain time for a certain purpose.  It doesn't mean that we always know why that is right away, but we figure it out eventually.

I've never been an overly emotional person.  I tend to compartmentalize.  I put on a brave face even if I'm not feeling so brave.  I think in the past this has made me unable to deal with difficult situations.  I can't always put into words the way that I'm feeling or what I'm thinking.  So I decided to be emotional, be dramatic, be a mess.  To stop trying to hold it all together and to just let it all out.  I spent time being angry, I spent time being sad, I spent time crying and mourning my relationship.  I know, that sounds weird.  Mourning a relationship?  But I think it's something I needed to do.  I needed to be sad about what I was leaving behind, be upset about the things I was going to miss out on, the places the relationship could have gone and I had to deal with all of the unanswered questions.  It's just like anything else you lose in life.  But at the end of that mourning period, where do you go next?

I made lists.  Lots of lists.  Things I want to learn how to do.  Things I want to learn how to cook.  Things I need to do to get back into school.  People I feel I've neglected the past few years that I want to reconnect with.  Ways to better the relationships that I have now.  Things that used to make me happy.  It was a way to try to feel in control of my life, to feel like I was organizing the mess my life had become.  I had no idea how therapeutic that could be.  It was like seeing where my life had been, where it is now and where it could go, all down on paper for me.  I was creating a road map of my life that allowed me to go anywhere and do anything I wanted.

I decided to be honest.  Brutally honest.  I was tired of feeling like I wasn't able to be myself.  I was tired of feeling like I was biting my tongue when I was really dying to say something.  I was tired of worrying if I was going to be judged for what I had to say or for what I was thinking.  I decided that those who weren't willing to allow me to be myself weren't worth the time I was spending on them.

I decided to rely on my family.  I tend to tell myself that they don't get me, they don't understand me or where I've been and why my life is where it is.  I'm happy to say I was completely wrong.  I had the most honest conversation I think I've ever had with my mom about my life, my past and my future.  Parents tend to have amazing insight and understanding into your life when you're willing to hear it.  And I needed to hear it.  My mom tells me I should listen to her more often, and I mostly roll my eyes, but she's right.  You'd think being an adult, I would have learned that lesson sooner, but I guess I've been too stubborn.

Lastly, I decided to have fun.  I decided to do whatever I wanted to.  I spent time nurturing friendships I otherwise would have left the way they were.  I made friends I never thought I would have.  I learned it was okay to rely on friendships again.  To be open and honest with someone again.  To have someone be there for you when you aren't perfect and who won't judge you for that.  To have someone to talk to when you need it and who smiles and laughs with you when life is good.  To have someone to go to for advice and have them genuinely care enough to tell you what you may not want to hear.

I've learned a lot from this experience.  I've learned that sometimes, it takes time to recognize the mistakes you've made in life.  I've learned that everyone doesn't see everything the same way.  Everyone has their own truth.  Everyone perceives that truth differently.  The experiences you share with someone won't always have the same meaning as they do to someone else.  It's just part of life.   But you have to learn and grow from the experiences that you have.  You have to be willing to move on and grow up.

One day, in tears, I texted my "big brother."  He went through a pretty rough divorce awhile ago, but made it through, found an amazing girl and they're ridiculously perfect for each other.  I asked him how he made it through.  He gave me a long winded answer, but the most important part for me was this: "I won't lie to you, it's tough.  But first, you have to decide that you are going to be ok."  It's a decision to be happy.  It's a decision you make whether or not you will get through the tough parts in life.  He told me exactly what I needed to hear to make that decision.

I don't know where my life is going to go.  I don't know what my future holds.  I don't even know if I'll ever be completely happy.  I'm working on it.  Life is hard sometimes.  It tends to kick you when you're down and make you feel like it's never going to get better.  It can make you doubt yourself and question your ability to handle rough situations.  But life also offers you incredible experiences.  Chances to be someone or do something that you never thought possible.  It's been a rough few months and I have a lot of battle scars.  But at least I learned an important lesson: I know I'm going to be ok, whatever comes my way.

If only I went to Hogwarts...

THREE reasons why Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, Pt. 2 is ABSOLUTELY incredible

1.  Neville Longbottom finally reached puberty and I am proud to say I was in love with him when his teeth were nasty.  Now that he is ABSOLUTELYFREAKING beautiful, he will make me his first choice. Don't tell me you didn't want to tackle him after he sliced that snake's head off!!  Mmmm..can't stop thinking about how HOT that was.

2.  Hearing Molly Weasley call Bellatrix a bitch was definitely a highlight.   They took the exact line straight out of the book.  I may have cheered out loud and clapped when this was said...

3.  They did the flash forward 19 years later.  They used my absolute favorite line of the ENTIRE book when Harry is talking to his son Albus.  It makes me cry even thinking about it.

I will see this movie as many times as I possibly can in the theaters.  I haven't loved a movie this much in I can't remember how long.  I've never been more of Harry Potter geek in my entire life.

To My Baby Brother...

Dear Elder Miller,

You officially became a missionary this afternoon.  I couldn't be more proud of you.  Although I am the older sibling and supposed to be setting an example for you, you are doing that for me.  You are such a strong young man and so strong in your convictions.  You have been an incredible example to your friends and haven't wavered in your morals or standards, despite what those around you may have been doing.

You have an incredible testimony and don't hesitate to share it with anyone.  You've chosen to go on a mission, not because it is expected of you or because you were told it was the right thing to do, but because you believed in your heart that it was the right choice for you.  You are so positive about giving up the things of the world for the next two years and you welcome that opportunity with open arms.  It is inspiring to be able to be a part of your life and to see how much you have grown over the years.

I love you more than I could possibly ever express and I am so proud of this decision you have made.  I know that you are going to touch so many lives and Arizona is lucky to have you in their midst.  I can't wait to see how much more you grow over the next two years of your life and to see how much this experience will enhance your life.   Be faithful and be strong.  You're in good hands.  The best actually.

Love your big sis,

Monica