"Wilt Thou Be Made Whole?"

I wrote this in my journal as I was studying the Bible this morning and I felt the need to share it.

John 5: 1 - 16

(vs. 2 - 9) The Lord in His infinite mercy has rescued me (and the world) from having to sacrifice for salvation (through animal sacrifices in the Old Testament) or work for the healing (vs. 4). Jesus paid the price on the cross, and by His stripes, we are healed.

All I (we) have to do is believe. Believe that Jesus Christ is the son of God and that He died for me, and believe His word and promises to me.

So today, Lord, my answer to Your question: "Wilt thou be made whole?" (vs. 6), is "Yes Lord! Yes I will." And I claim that wholeness - physically, spiritually, academically, emotionally, financially, psychologically, and in all areas of my life.

(vs. 10 - 14) An important lesson is that it is imperative to abandon sin after the Lord has made us whole. The man that was healed could have decided to revert to obeying the law by putting his bed back down (vs. 10) though he was healed by grace (the law required him to have someone to put him in the pool at the right time) but he didn't. He chose instead to stand by his belief in Jesus.

Sin will take us back to a place worse than where we used to be and corrupt the wholeness in us until we are no longer whole but broken pieces of nothing.

Bright-Winged Bird

Bright-winged bird,

Watch her do a double pirouette in the sky –

The steps to a beautiful dance.

Bright-winged bird,

Listen to her sonorous voice –

As she sings a joyful song.

Bright-winged bird,

Feel her comforting weight on your shoulder –

As she sits awhile in silence.

Bright-winged bird,

She is here this moment –

And gone in the next.

- June 5, 2012

Haiku Series: Seasons

Haiku 1

Softly and slowly

the leaves of memories fall

Fall is here again

(February 3, 2010)

Haiku 4

The promise of Spring

Rainy days and blooming trees

Rebirth's in action

(April 29, 2012)

Haiku 5

Breezy Summer nights

Whispering unspoken dreams -

Come, let's take a walk

(May 27, 2012)

Haiku 6

Icicles above,

Speak of Winter's bitter cold -

The state of my heart

(December 30, 2012)

*After the Fall & Spring poems came to me at different times, I thought I'd make a series of the seasons. I'm not sure of it's any good so please don't judge me too harshly. Feedback is welcome, and will, in fact, be appreciated.

20 Years . . . And Counting

So I'm 20 years old!! I've officially been alive for 2 decades. It's surreal, really, because when I think about the many things that I've seen, the places I've been, the people I've met, the people I've lost, and the memories I've made, it feels like I have been on Planet Earth longer than 20 years.

More than anything, I am grateful to God for keeping me alive to see today. I wouldn't be here otherwise. He has been my rock, my strength, my everything. When I hear about the deaths of people who are my age or even younger than I am, I just thank Him even more. I am thankful for the life, with which He has blessed me, the wonderful people He has placed in my life, the incredible joy I've known, the pain and sadness that have made me stronger, and the experiences that I've made me who I am. I realize that I am not lucky; I am blessed.

Now I am in that place where I am thinking about my life - what I've had so far, what I wish I did, what I never got the chance to have, and the phases of my life that has helped to mold me into who I am. More importantly, I am thinking about the future - where I want my life to be and the woman I hope to become.

The most important subject is my relationship with God. In the minutes leading up to 12:00 a.m., I found myself thinking about what being a Christian really means to me. With astonishing clarity, I could see the many ways that I was compromising my convictions and position as a child of God. It became clear to me that being a Christian is not just about what I do - it's also about what happens around me and the situations in which I put myself. I am at the juncture where I am reassessing myself as a Christian and trying to work at establishing a genuine and true relationship with my Father. "Ready or Not" by Britt Nicole ft. Lecrae is the one song that totally explains what I feel (Listen to it here).

Now that I am no longer a teenager, I have to be even more responsible and focused because the whole "it's a (teenage) phase" excuse is obviously obsolete now. I am thinking seriously about what I want to do after I graduate from Howard University next year by God's grace. I'm looking at graduate schools and programs, and about the certification exams that I want to take. In addition to thinking about my academic and professional future, I am also thinking about my growth as a person. I am reassessing the girl that I have always been and thinking about the woman I want to be. I have this picture of that woman and I believe that with God, I can become that woman - a woman of God's own creation.

I'm grateful for all my formative years, the 6 years that I was at Mayflower School that had a huge role in molding who I am today, the 3 months that I was at Ajayi Crowther University in Oyo State that helped me become more confident because I was surrounded by so much love and affection, the 1+ year that I was at Randallstown High School that helped me become more patient though I was upset for a while about the fact that I had to go back to high school after attending university (now I am actually thankful for it), and the past few years at Howard University that made me truly question myself until I figured out who I am supposed to be and finally found my own little place in an environment where I felt like a fish out of water. I am so very grateful for the people I met at every point. Thanks to the people who where in my life for a while for the gifts they gave me and the lessons they taught me, thanks to the people who came and never left - I truly love them for that, and thanks to the people who have always been there - I'm incredibly blessed to have people like that.

My life is by no means completely figured out. I have so many fears and insecurities. There is so much I wish I had now. But in spite of all these, I'm happy. I know that God makes everything perfect in His time and He'll grant me the desires of my heart according to His will. I am working on those fears and insecurities. And that's okay because I am a work in progress. But looking back now, I can say that my childhood self would be proud of the person I am today.

Happy 20th birthday to me!! I smile in anticipation of the wonderful things I believe the future will bring =)

The Year 2013

This is not a New Year post; it's kind of too late for that. I'm not even sure what this is. Anywhere, here goes :

I am currently studying in Marseille, France as an exchange student, and I created a blog to document this new experience. With my current return to the the blogosphere, I realized just how much I have missed blogging. I came back on here, and read some of my previous posts and it made me miss it all over again. I haven't been on here in forever, that's no secret, but I'm not going to apologize anymore. It's time to start letting my actions speak.

Don't get it twisted, I never gave up on writing - I don't think I can ever do that. I have faithfully kept a journal since 2006, I still write poetry when I can though I'm not sure they're any good (I'll post some of my recent stuff on here), and I just write randomly too whenever the mood hits. But blogging has always been therapeutic in a slightly different way because it's both personal and public at the same time. I don't blog for anyone but myself but then I know it's possible for others to read it. There's no pressure for me to be anything but honest on here. I'm not even sure I'm making sense right now.

I have never really tried to promote my blog but I'm starting to think that maybe I should. The truth is, although I blog for myself, there are some things that I wish others would read, you know? Maybe not even people I know but random strangers who don't know me. Is it weird that if a stranger reads some of the posts I consider personal I wouldn't mind as much as if a friend does? Anyway, the reason for this change of heart is my the other blog I started to document my study abroad experience [the link is http://dream-in-colour07.tumblr.com/ just in case you're mildly interested :)]. I have gotten overwhelming feedback on that blog. I have other exchange students and some of the French students whom I don't even know, letting me know they are looking forward to new posts. Now when I introduce myself to some people, they go "Oh! You're the girl with the blog." It feels nice to get feedback and to be acknowledged on something. I didn't really think about it before but now I am. It's more pressure I think when I'm sure people are reading but maybe that isn't such a bad thing :)

To end this "theme-less" post, I want to say that I am excited for this semester!! I'm meeting great people and I'm eagerly looking forward to God's plans for me this semester and really this year. I should be back on here this week to probably post some of my pieces from the past couple of months and almost definitely to talk about how my birthday turns out.

So see you soon. Laters, lovelies :) xoxo

A Conversation with My Uncle - June 22, 2012

I just had a conversation with my uncle, my favourite uncle if I may add. We started off talking about church and the hypocrisy that goes on in most. This was brought on by a particular visitor we got. The conversation then went on to my internship and how I need to plan where I want to be in the future. He said a lot of things and gave me a lot to think about.

My uncle talked about how I need to watch those people who have money and power to see what they are doing, if that is what I really want. In addition, I have to think about whether money is what I want because I may have to do something totally different in my career to have that money. He was quick to remind me that even if I attend the best school, make the "best" money, wear the best clothes, drive the best car, drink the best wine; those things get old really quickly because I start to think about what else there is. The important things in life, my uncle told me, are free - the love of God, good friendships, love, family. I cannot let myself forget the important things in life while pursuing my career.

Another point of our conversation was about the importance of establishing and maintaining good relationships, especially professionally-inclined ones. I have to form relationships with people who I work with - my peers because they will be future leaders. It is imperative to maintain these relationships because they will be helpful to me in the future. Of course, it is also necessary to have similar relationships with people ahead professionally. From these relationships, I may get opportunities. His main advice about such opportunities is not to have a myopic view of life but to expand my view and consider these opportunities wisely. He said that where I am now is a product of my background, education, environment, etc but where I am going to be is on me and what I do to get there. "There are a million intelligent people so it's not about what you know but who you know" (I'm paraphrasing here). He believes that I'm on the right start and that I have no idea the heights I can attain but no matter where I am, I have to remember NEVER to get a chip on my shoulder; to always remember my humble background and who I am. "Aim for the sky," he said, "but be sure to keep your feet grounded."

The last section of our conversation was just about my "home" life and how I need to detach myself emotionally from the things that happen sometimes. He recognizes how difficult that is (probably more than anybody else does) but that is what growing up and maturity entails. He said we (my siblings and I) are more mature than our ages and sometimes he forgets just how young we are. That particularly made me happy. He stressed that I should try to maintain neutrality, in words, behaviour and facial expressions, to the things that happen in this house. I should not wear my emotions on my face which, surprisingly to me, he says I don't do often because I have this "game face." I have always been of the opinion that I am an open book and whatever I am feeling is prominently displayed on my face.

The part that touched me the most are the comments he made about me as a person, which he was quick to mention were not out of sentimentality because in actuality, my uncle definitely keeps it real. He said he has come to know me and likes me as a person and that I am "up there" on his list. The fact that he can say this about me after he has known me for a while, lived in the same house as I have, seen me at some of my really bad moments, and has come to know that I'm not always the smiling, nice girl most people see when they meet me, means the world to me. One of my fears has been that people probably don't like me as much once they get to know me. I can predict how most people who meet me and/or know me for short while would describe me - "She's so nice, and always smiling" but I usually wonder how long this opinion lasts because while this is who I am (it's difficult for me to pretend), I am also susceptible to quick mood swings without actual cause, and sometimes the smallest thing ruins the best day for me. That really meant a lot to me. The other thing that touched my heart greatly is what he said about the aura around me. "Let me put it like this," he said, "I like who I am when I'm around my wife and I like who I am when I'm around you. It's just something about you I like; I can't put my finger on it. There's just this thing about you that makes people feel lucky to be around you; to share, and be a part of that moment.” That has to be the highest compliment anyone has ever paid me. It’s difficult to explain how I felt in that moment. I had no inkling that I can have that effect on one person in this world, and he acknowledged the fact that he knows that I have no idea.

An overall important point that I am taking out of this conversation include the fact that I should never compromise: “The clothes you wear, the person you date, your friends . . . , you should never compromise on those things. And of course your morals, your principles.”

Welcome to Church

You’re welcome to church –

Where everyone wears a bright smile plastered on a happy face.

A body of believers on a search,

Gaily-dressed in silk, satin, and lace.

The same ones who preach,

And pray for heavenly rain,

The confidence and trust of others breach –

Possessing in them hearts like Cain.

Hypocrisy reigns supreme

Though we’re supposed to be a family.

Here lives pretense of love and truth so extreme

That genuineness has no choice but to flee.

Each claims to raise a holy hand,

But most are just standing on sinking sand.

* (I wrote this in church today. This is not a rant against Christians and believers because I consider myself one. From experience, I have observed that many churches are full of hypocrites who claim to love God and their neighbours but derive pleasure from spreading stories behind their backs, judging and condemning others harshly without walking in their shoes at all. Again, I am not making generalizations here).