My Link

Hi sweet friends! This is just to say that I fixed my link so it's attached to the right photography blog. Keep in mind, I'm no seasoned pro, just trying to improve through practice and having lots of fun. This friday I'll take pictures of my cousins kids and post those. Thanks for humoring me by looking. I really wish I could get a little feeback...even negative, because it will let me know what was wrong and I can work on it! Thanks!!!!! I'm sure you're all too nice for the negative stuff, but if I never get feedback...I just have to guess.

What do you do if you catch a thief?

First, a quick update. I'm doing great! Not perfect...but who is? I'm on Welbutrin and the difference is undeniably positive! I have almost felt a sense of trauma thinking about getting back on my blog because it reminded me of that horrible feeling that I was experiencing at the time of those last 2 posts. Seriously! It was akin to PTSD I'm guessing. I really could almost not do it! But here I am...because someone asked me to post my experience with the shoplifter. (Thanks Shauna! You got me back on!)
Last Saturday at around 5:00 p.m. I realized we needed milk and tomatoes. No shopping on Sunday, so it was somewhat urgent. The tomatoes were for our BLT dinner that evening. Carlo and James came along with me. (Who doesn't love a trip to Walmart? haha) Needless to say, it was pretty quick. After getting the milk, I must've been a bit distracted because Carlo ended up at the front end of produce before me. As I was heading towards him I noticed a couple with 2 kids in almost a huddle by the garbage can located by the main aisle right next to the produce shelves. I glanced over and my impression was that the lady was putting something in her purse. Carlo was facing them and paying close attention. Clearly, they were hiding something. Suspicious to be sure! As I walked closer to Carlo, I could see something was definitely wrong. He told me they had just put new shoes on their kids and thrown away the old ones in that garbage can. (maybe they stole shoes and something else!) This was nerve racking and exciting all at once! "What should we do?", I asked him. At this point, the observant father walked up to me with an aggressive posture and questioning look. I was caught off guard, but found myself asking him, with all the confidence of a mother to her child, if he was stealing shoes. He raised his voice, vehemently denying that they stole anything. He called me "ungodly" for accusing him. His wife, meanwhile, had taken her kids over by the clothing section and none of them even looked our direction. That man was very upset! I didn't want him yelling at me anymore, so I told him that I was just wondering. They headed off and we made our way to the checkout. As soon as it was my turn, I told the checker what we'd seen. She called a manager. I recounted what we saw and suggested that she check out the garbage can. If she saw old shoes along with a couple of price tags, she might be able to know if they had really stolen. She asked for their description. As I started to tell her what the man looked like, I looked up to see him heading toward me. Startled, I told her he was approaching us. He had fire in his eyes as he asked her if I was accusing him of stealing shoes. She didn't seem to know what to say or do. He began yelling at me telling me he could be a maniac and that I had no idea who I was dealing with. He started to get in my face (and I'm happy to say I didn't back away) and Carlo stood next to me with his hand on my shoulder, causing the guy to back up a tad. He told me he was paying for the shoes right now and that he had "more money than you can even imagine!!!". (which is why he only buys Walmart shoes for his children) He looked at the manager and said they had gone fishing and the shoes were too stinky to wear. (He was wearing a sweater vest, long jeans and regular shoes and the girls were in long pants...not typical fishing attire) He told me I was a disgrace...especially if I was LDS. (Why do bitter Utahns pull that one all the time?)
Anyway, he walked off and we quickly left, with absolutely no validation by the store manager and no call to securtiy or anything else. Poor James looked terrified. I won't lie, I was very scared as well. It was hours after we got home before I could really shake that rattled feeling!
Sunday morning I was going through the events in my head, wondering what I should've done differently. I decided that I should not have confronted him myself. I'd have been much better off not gawking at him and instead going straight to a manager with the description of the suspects in my head and suggest they call security.I also told James my thoughts and apologized for the traumatic experience. What I did could have ended much worse. What if he'd decided to follow us out? Maybe he had a knife. Who knows? I just know that being a good citizen doesn't have to jeopardize the safety of yourself or your family. It shouldn't.
I'm happy to say that we are safe...but not so happy with the way that manager handled things! Shouldn't there be security patroling the store? Shouldn't someone in charge be grateful to someone looking out for their store? Oh well. I'll surely be more cautious next time! Oh, and the BLT's were delicious...

Light at the End of the Tunnel

Well, fortunately, I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow! Yay! I've been really helped by the kind words, calls, etc. Really! I can't express my gratitude to everyone who acknowledged my blog post in any way! It made me be able to separate my (dark) imagination from reality. I feel very blessed to know that people do care about me and that people are good. I feel much less alone. Thank you so much!

I will say that depression really plays with your mind. You start to believe very negative things. I would find myself thinking that I'm not good at anything, I have no friends, I'm a bad wife and extremely average mother. I would then go from upset about those things, to feeling like anyone who wasn't my friend was justified. Who would want to be my friend? What in the world do I have to offer? etc., etc.. It's made me believe that the adversary must love depression. More than his love of the illness, I think he loves to have us believe that we can fix it ourselves, because when we are in the darkness of depression, we can't possibly do what it takes to fix it on our own. Then he can get in our heads even more. The more we believe those awful things, the fewer interactions we'll have with others. The more we isolate ourselves, the weaker we become. I promise I have not sunken this deep, but I can easily imagine that turning to something like drugs or alcohol to numb the pain could be very appealing. Fortunately, I've been able to keep my head above water enough to reach out and get help. Step one was writing the last blog post! It alerted my friends that I needed help. I was able to further discuss the problem, which made it clearer to me. Step 2 is tomorrow. Tomorrow I talk to a professional who can really help get this chemical or hormonal imbalance under control.

Really, I just want to say thank you to my friends (and cousins) who let me know they care! Thanks!

With So Much To Be Happy About...Why Am I So Sad?

Not even chocolate and diet Coke help. I pray, read my scriptures (not quite exactly every day, though), go to the temple and exercise. I have an amazing husband who would do anything for me...and I really mean anything. I have 4 great kids whom I love dearly. I have enough money to pay the bills and enjoy life and my health is good...well, physical health anyway. I think I can fake some semblance of happiness much of the time, but other times it's just too much. I've been finding opportunities to serve. Those help, temporarily. A comment was made in church about work and how it can make you feel good. "That's it!", I thought. I decided I haven't been working hard enough. I should really clean the carpets again and clean up the basement, etc. Yesterday, that's just what we did. The kids and I cleaned up the colossal mess in the basement and I vacuumed and cleaned the carpet in the living room, downstairs and the boys' room. Hmmm...still gloomy. For family home evening, after dinner we all went to the movies. That helped, temporarily. This morning after sending the kids off to school I knew I needed to exercise. I did. Still felt heavy (no pun intended). While getting ready in my bathroom, I decided I should clean it. I dissolved into tears while windexing the mirror. "How long do I have to feel like this?", I wondered. I've come up with many reasons. It's the in-laws. It's Christian not getting into honors biology for next year. Maybe it's that I don't have very many friends anymore. Maybe it's that I'm not exercising enough or that I can't understand Photoshop the way I want to. WHAT IS IT?!!!! I feel like I'm filled with lead. I feel like a loser...even though I know that isn't true. I've been icy to Carlo and it makes him feel unloved.

I know it's depression. Last time I talked to my doctor (well, my doctor retired and I saw her nurse practitioner) she pretty much told me I need therapy. I tried that and got nowhere. That was actually while on medication...clearly, the wrong one. I decided to take myself off. That was at least 2 years ago! I don't know why, but lately it just seems like it's back in full force. I don't know what to do. I want to see a doctor- one who will listen and want to help me in the best way. I'd prefer a lady if possible. I feel I can be more open with a woman. Any ideas?

Sunday night at my parents' house, my mom asked if I felt like I should get back on depression medication. She said something that struck a chord. She said, "You don't have to live like this." She'd just been observing. I didn't know I was so bad at hiding the way I feel. Anytime she asks me if I'm tired, my response is, "I'm always tired". I'm always on the verge of tears as well. I constantly wonder what I'll do when she isn't around anymore. We don't have the absolute best relationship, but her love for me is unconditional and I have no one else in my life like that really...besides Carlo, who is not a woman.

I'm sorry if this has been such a selfish kind of post but I just don't know what to do. I thought maybe this would be therapeutic, and I think it has been, but any helpful comments would be very much appreciated.

So, if I've been stand offish...please know I'm just having a bit of a struggle lately. I believe that the Lord helps us often through our friends. Many of our struggles won't be just taken away. It's not part of the plan. Our opportunities for growth usually occur after (or through) discomfort. I'm not upset that I have this trial, but would like to get through it valiantly. Also, if I don't share this problem with those I care about, how can they understand that I'm not upset with them? How might they offer any advice or help?

Teeth Are A Pain In The Neck!!!! (Even for non vampire victims)

It seems like maybe none of my kids will be exempt from some form of orthodontics! Ughhh! James had a big tooth (canine? next to his big front tooth) that wanted to go behind his front teeth...to the point where he couldn't properly close his mouth. He had an appliance that seemed to pretty much fix it. It broke. Well, we went in to maybe get it fixed and the dentist happily announced that we could just go right to braces! Those will last about a year. Apparently, it's just to keep his teeth in the right place while his others do their thing. Oh well, it'll be worth it I'm sure. He does have a great smile, if I do say so myself, so we might as well try to get it perfect.
Christian had an appliance made...that Suzie chewed up a couple of months into it. It's useless. Oh! Carlo doesn't know that, so maybe don't mention it. He just thinks Christian won't wear it...which is true. I'm just not volunteering anything that will make him resent Suzie any more than he already does.
Malia...well, let's just say we're saving our money for her future teeth fixing! She has this wierd discoloration on her one front tooth that makes it look yellowy and splotchy. The other front tooth is okay, just maybe not really centered or straight. Luckily, she lost the little one next to it that made her mouth resemble Nanny McPhee's. She only got $2 from the tooth fairy, but should've gotten much more! Big improvement...now we get to look forward to the new teeth...ha ha ha. Anyway, yesterday she was lying on my bed looking cute, so I grabbed my camera and took a few pictures. You know the teeth might be a problem when you scrap all the ones with the toothy smiles! Yes, it's true. "Lips closed", I told her. Well, hopefully not forever!
As for Thomas...the jury is still out.

Trying Something New!

Hi Friends! It's been a long time since I have blogged. I just received a very cute email from my sweet friend, Cami, asking me to, "Come back". Well, it was timely because I've been thinking to do a whole other blog...in addition to this one, for photography. I still, no matter how nice Jen is, feel scared about in any way stepping on her toes, but she has suggested I go for it. So, I have a new blog just for that. It's allysonbosphotography-allyson.blogspot.com. Thank goodness it isn't a long one. ;) Please pay me a visit there and tell me what you think! I am really loving photography...and clearly don't have the experience and skill of Jen Fauset...but everyone starts somewhere, right? I will try to get back on the blogging bandwagon. I do miss it.
Let me think of something non photography related to share. Oh! I got one. Carlo's sister was here for 3 and a half weeks and stayed in Malia's bedroom. Malia camped out on our floor on an air mattress for that time. It was fun to get to know Mirjam better...but not so great displacing Malia for that long! Wow! She couldn't play in her room and mornings were crazy if the clothes hadn't been selected the night before (which happened more than it should have) because no one wanted to go in there and wake Mirjam...least of all Malia. I don't want to go on sounding complainy, but have realized that we won't be displacing her, or any child for that long in the future. Carlo's parents will be arriving on the 20th and will stay until the end of March...but at his grandparents' house. We just don't have a houseguest friendly home. Hopefully that will change...
Thanks again, Cami, for inviting me back to the fold. :)

Family Pictures (by Jen)