the part of me i don't like so much.

i have to admit something. just cut straight to the chase. ( what does that mean anyway?) totally seperate from all of the great things in my life, the people i love, all of the opportunities and a loving god, i am angry. i am so mad. like a little ball of iron starting in my heart and growing until i feel like only my skin is soft. i'm mad that i had to give up a family to leave my marriage. it's not fair. so i'm mad. whew. i feel better. happy new year!

Fyonna's Penny Project: What it's all about

Fyonna's Penny Project: What it's all about

gourmet muffins

i called mum this morning to ask how to stretch out a muffin mix. mum is always doing amazing things with food like that. it turned out fabulous, so here is what i did.
one muffin mix (the kind in the bag)
one cup of flour (about the same amount of flour as mix)
1/2 tsp of salt
1 tsp of baking powder
one egg (my mis didn't call for one, but i added one anyway)
instead of doubling the water that the mix called for, i doubled the amount of liquid with some special soy milk i made:

peel and chop very small a chunk of ginger root. add to a carton of soymilk, add cinnamon and cardamom to taste.

so, i made the muffins and they are so good. and i made enough to freeze some. mmm... imagine hot out of the oven with butter, or maybe a little honey, or some jam... the possibilities are endless. i am so glad for such an ingenious mum.

NPR

The Summer Day

Mary Oliver

Who made the world?
Who made the swan, and the black bear?
Who made the grasshopper?
This grasshopper, I mean-
the one who has flung herself out of the grass,
the one who is eating sugar out of my hand,
who is moving her jaws back and forth instead of up and down-
who is gazing around with her enormous and complicated eyes.
Now she lifts her pale forearms and thoroughly washes her face.
Now she snaps her wings open, and floats away.
I don't know exactly what a prayer is.
I do know how to pay attention, how to fall down
into the grass, how to kneel down in the grass,
how to be idle and blessed, how to stroll through the fields,
which is what I have been doing all day.
Tell me, what else should I have done?
Doesn't everything die at last, and too soon?
Tell me, what is it you plan to do
with your one wild and precious life?

this was the poem garrison keiler read while i was driving home from work the other day (i love my new job at the spa by the way) maybe it was just the way he read it, but i love love loved it and now i'm sharing it.

the bus

the bus is an interesting place. i got a job on the bus. i sat down next to a woman holding a crying baby, told her how scout wore those same little yellow leather booties with chicks on them and after a few minutes, she asked if i'd like to babysit that same baby two days a week. it pays better than anything else i'm doing right now, so i've put in my notice at the salad place and accepted the job. also, today, as i was standing in the crowded aisle, i caught the eye of a beautiful indian woman with an amazing nose ring. i complimented and she invited me over for dinner. so random. i'm not sure if i'll go yet, but i think she's coming in to kokua tonight to apply for a job, so we'll see if it's a real invitation or just some crazy bus conversation.

crazy today.

i saw a picture of joey's parents today holding the new and beautiful rylan. i cried of course. then i called katie, i miss her. and of course, i cried again. i asked her if she would ask joey for my baby pictures. he's still got them all. and cowry's baby pictures. i told her about the little garden i planted with jacob, (it's grown) how good he is to me and for me. how he makes me feel beautiful and smart and how i love it here and i'm growing happier and happier, but i'm still sad for the loss and am discovering issues i didn't expect to have. and i miss them. the wilkinsons and the reinitz' and the neils. how i miss them.

a little peek inside kokua market

this woman comes up with a 2 lb bag of dried oregano.
" wow," i say, "you must use a lot of oregano."
"well" she replies " when my food budget gets really low, i buy this big bag, pour some in a bowl, add some water, and just shovel it in!" she makes motions towards her mouth as though she's eating cereal really fast.
"oh." what do i say to that? "that's a lot all at once, doesn't it make you feel sick?"
"oh no. it's and anti fungal, and i figure it's a good supplement when my diet isn't very good, and you know, i'm a virgo, so i'm really into nutrition."
well good luck with that.

then there was the lady who was just dying to tell me all about doctor (i've forgotten his name or you too could look him up on the internet) "he's #1 on the internet! just look up doctor so and so. he tells you all sorts of things... even how to buy a car!" the thing about most of these people is that they don't stop for breath. they are so excited to educate you, that you don't ever get a word in edgewise, and don't even think about bringing up an alternate argument, they are right and they know it. " he says fluorescent lights are the worst and you've got them all over your vegetables. and you're scanning that radiation all through my food." it's true, i've scanned all of her purchases through the register." then the government is going to start radiating all the meat. and they won't tell you. and we wonder why people are getting sick?" i tell her that i prefer to grow my own vegetables when i can. "my daughter has a garden. i don't think she uses it. why have an organic garden if you don't even use it?!" i don't have an answer. "or you could be like patricia mccrag. she grows her own vegetables. then when she goes to a restaurant, she brings her own vegetables."

then, last night, i got to walk someone to the bus stop. she had too many groceries to carry and needed to take the cart. when we got there, and while we walked, she told me about her brother that she was trying to cure before she went bankrupt so that he would be be confident enough to collect the pension he hadn't been collecting for 15 years. and how when she had too many groceries, she would walk some of them half a block and then go back for the rest and in this way get home with them. because, you know, sometimes she'll spend hundreds of dollars on pro-biotics and she can't risk losing them. makes sense to me. every time i made a move to go, she would step toward me and talk faster. after about ten minutes, we were ten feet away from her groceries. i finally told her that i was being paid and had to go. you know, it's kind of fun, all of the different people in the world. sometimes i get tired of everyone clamoring to be heard and acknowledged, but all in all, i'm just kind of interested in what they have to say and why. too bad i don't have the time.

how i love word games

jocob and i had this conversation today over dinner, he cracks me up.
"wouldn't it be funny if this was called a money order sock?"
"what?"
"a money order sock."
"why would it be called a money order sock?"
" instead of a cashew."
oh. that makes me laugh.
" maybe a debit sock would be better. yah, that would fit better."

when i first came to hawaii...

this is what i did.

- walked around the neighborhood with jacob the night i got here. i think he was worried that i would go explore on my own otherwise.

- ate sushi and really liked it.

- woke up that first morning at 5:30 (unheard of for me) and sat on the roof to watch the sunrise. and talk to joh.

- stopped by the japanese cultural center (half a block away) and copied this poem off one of the walls:

" Huge dreams of fortune
Go with me to foreign lands,
Across the ocean.

" With tears inI my eyes
I turn back to my homeland,
Taking one last look."

- Japanese Emigrant Poem

Lunch Face

So I work in Honolulu. In Hawaii. Winter hasn't been invented here yet. It's pretty great. I have one job at a health food co-op, (co-operatives are really cool. You should see if there are any in your local area, down with Walmart, up with local production of food.) where I get a discount on groceries and sometimes even free food. I also work at a soup and salad place. I have to bike to get there. You know, I really like biking. I haven't biked since I was a kid, and to be honest, I was a little worried about the half hour bike ride to work, but I actually really enjoy it. As I'm biking down to the Fort Street Mall, I think, Hello Honolulu, I am the new face of lunch. And then Jacob asks, did you wear your helmet today? hmmm. Did you? Yes.