Lesson Six: Love Maps

In reading The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work book written by John M. Gottman, he discusses the importance of maintaining love maps in marriage. He explains love maps as being “intimately familiar with each other’s world”.  This is very important to establish in a marriage. When someone asks about you and remembers information they’ve learned, it shows that person cares about and loves you. I always feel really grateful and loved when my husband will ask me later how something went from what I’ve told him about earlier.

Building and maintaining a love map takes work and sacrifice. In the book, “Drawing Marriage into Your Family”, Goddard says this, “Sacrifice is generally devalued and misunderstood in our society… It takes godly goodness to see weakness and mistakes in our partners and yet resist the temptation to smirk. It takes heavenly humility to be proven right and yet to meekly acknowledge that we all make mistakes”. I did not recognize that as being a sacrifice before reading that quote, and understand now that overlooking your partners weaknesses and mistakes is not only a way to show love and compassion to our partner but also an opportunity to sacrifice for each other in our marriage.

            Sacrifice definitely strengthens marriages and relationships. Goddard also suggests that true joys come from unselfishness which equals love. There are many ways that we can sacrifice in our marriages to show our love to our partner. For example, I really like to be with my husband, and I also am very grateful for his help he gives with our kids, so it’s hard for me when he’s gone from home. I realize that I, especially now that my kids are all in school full-time, get to exercise, read, and enjoy time to myself much more often that my husband does because he of his work schedule. One thing I try to do is to encourage my husband to take time to re-charge and to have fun! Whether it’s going to the gym, riding his mountain bike or motor cycle, I know it benefits him greatly, and he comes home happier and ready for family time. So although it feels like a sacrifice for me, I try to not only to be okay with him being gone but encourage it as well.

Lesson Five: Friendship in Marriage

When my husband Jeff and I first met each other, I had my heart already set on this kid I had met five years earlier and was pretty certain that we were going to get married. So since I already had this idea cemented in my head, it was clear to me that Jeff and I were just friends having fun. I’m not recommending that this is the best idea and definitely not the only way to become good friends with your spouse before you marry, but it did give us the opportunity to get to know each other really well without having anything else or any other feelings get in the way. 
As we hung out, I knew I really liked being around him and we had lots of fun together but I also recognized that he liked me a lot and would like to have our friendship become something more. So after several months of spending lots of time together, I decided it wasn’t fair to him and I broke off our friendship. The next week was awful for me and him. It took us finally being apart for me to really appreciate what I had, and I was then able to realize that my feelings for him were much more than just being good friends!  After one long, lonely week, we started hanging out again, which quickly turned to dating exclusively, and within a few months we were engaged and soon after, married! Our marriage is not perfect, and our first few years of marriage were really hard, but we’ve been married sixteen years now and overall it has been a really fun, happy, and fulfilling marriage for both of us.

In the past, I've thought about what has helped our marriage be as strong as it is, I have attributed it to us becoming really good friends before we started dating. So I found it super interesting when reading the first few chapters in the book, “Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” by John M. Gottman, where he suggests from his research that strong friendship within a marriage is what makes a strong marriage. I feel like I’ve witnessed this first hand with our marriage, and totally agree. I’m grateful that Jeff and I were able to establish a very strong friendship before we became anything more. In the book, Gottman said this, “our ability to survive negativity in our marriage is based on the strength of our friendship.”

The book further explains why the importance of building a friendship with your spouse. Gottman mentions repair attempts which are “any statement or action – silly or otherwise- that prevents negativity from escalating out of control” and the success of the repair attempts depend on the strength of the couple’s friendship. It’s important to remember that we all say or do things to each other that are unkind and may hurt your spouse, but when we have a deep friendship our marriages can remain strong and healthy because our repair attempts will be effective. Gottman says this about strong marriages, and this is how I would define what a strong marital friendship entails as well, “husband and wife share a deep sense of meaning. They don’t just “get along” – they also support each other’s hopes and aspirations and build a sense of purpose into their lives together.” A strong marital friendship includes wanting the best for your spouse and putting their needs above yours because you want to and you care about them. I think a strong marital friendship is not just loving your spouse but liking their personality and being around them as well. I try to tell my spouse (and my children) often that I like them. I want my husband to know that I like to be with him, I like to laugh and have fun with him, I like his personality, and that I just really like him all around!

Lesson Four: Excessive Individualism

Bruce C Hafen in his talk titled, “Covenant Marriage”, states three wolves that are attacking marriages today. The first wolves he addresses are that of natural adversity, such as a death of a child, infertility, health issues, etc. and that of criticizing the imperfections of your spouse.  Both of these “wolves” can contribute to serious challenges in marriage and certainly in the case of belittling spouse can quickly destroy a marriage, but the last wolf that Brother Hafen suggested, the wolf of excessive individualism is the one that I think is the most detrimental to our society today.

I think it’s important to recognize the added word “excessive” and that it’s not just a warning about individualism in itself.

The definition of individualism is

1.      The habit or principle of being independent and self-reliant

2.      A social theory favoring freedom of action for individuals over collective or state control.

            I believe individualism or being an independent person/thinker is an important element to help us become more confidant and self-sufficient human beings, which are character traits that Heavenly Father wants for each us as well. These traits can help create stronger marriages. I am the first to admit that it is very important to me to have some time to myself each week, such as exercising, reading, and/or playing soccer with friends. This gives me time to think, recharge and develop hobbies, and helps me to be a better wife and mother. I try to give my husband the same respect and help him find time for himself and his hobbies. 

            I believe what Brother Hafen is warning about is when we abuse that right, and our spouses and families become second to our needs and wants. Satan tries to turn good into evil and if we are not vigilant and practice self-control in our personal desires, he will find a way to accomplish that. Excessive individualism creates serious problems which lead to a “me” centered society. This goes against our belief in the plan of salvation, the sacredness of marriage and that the family is central to our Heavenly Father’s plan for each of His children.  

Elder D. Todd Christofferson in his talk titled, Why Marriage, Why family, states, “Satan seeks to convince men and women that marriage and family priorities can be ignored or abandoned, or at least made subservient to careers, other achievements, and the quest for self-fulfillment and individual autonomy.” It is so important that we are aware of Satan’s intent in regards to personal autonomy, and essential to practice moderation in all things.

Lesson Three: Traditional Marriage

Elder Nelson said this in August 2012, in his talk titled, Disciples of Jesus Christ - Defenders of Marriage, "The greatest guardians of any and all virtues are marriage and family.  This is particularly the case with the virtues of chastity and fidelity in marriage, both of which are required to create enduring and fully rewarding marriage partnerships and family relationships.  Male and female are created for what they can do and become, together.  It take a man and woman to bring a child into the world.  Mothers and fathers are not interchangeable.  Men and women are distinct and complementary.  Children deserve a chance to grow up with both a mom and a dad." 

I have a testimony of the importance of traditional marriage.  I believe that marriage between a man and a woman is ordained of God, it was created that way from the beginning, and it is not and will never be up to men/women to change that definition.  I have confidence that a marriage with both a mother and a father is the best possible situation for children to be raised.  Men and women are very different and each have very important and different roles which together can strengthen their marriage and also bless the lives of the children that are born to them. 

I recently read several sections of the summary of the opinion of the Supreme Court in Obergefell vs. Hodges (2015), in which same-sex marriage was legalized. I have a few close friends that support same-sex marriages and are well read about it. I often don’t know what to say in defense of traditional marriage because I am not very knowledgeable on the subject.  It was helpful to read both the supporter’s opinion as well as the dissenter’s.  After reading through the summary, I gained more sympathy and understanding for those seeking the legalization of same-sex marriage but learned quite a bit more that affirmed and strengthened my testimony of the importance of marriage being between a man and a woman.  

We as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints have a responsibility to actively promote and defend traditional marriage.  There are several ways we can do this in our families, in daily conversations, and when participating in social media.  Some suggestions for advocating traditional marriage in our families include teaching and testifying of the truths taught in The Family: A Proclamation to the World.  We can help our children understand the sacredness of marriage and family and help them gain testimonies of this. We can spread the joy of traditional marriage by posting marriage quotes from our living prophets and apostles on Facebook and/or Instagram. I am more encouraged and determined to be a more prayerful advocate of traditional marriage in all I do.