*** CAUTION*** Loooooong post ahead!
After almost every big rainstorm comes a rainbow. In the world of infant loss, the next surviving child following a loss is considered your "rainbow baby." Here's the story of the incredible journey to our little rainbow.
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Almost immediately after losing Makayla I started thinking about having another baby. Now, to most of you that might seem insensitive to Makayla, or crazy on my part like I was trying to replace her. But, you have to understand all I could think about at the time was what I was supposed to be doing, I was supposed to be taking care of a new baby. My arms ached terribly to hold my child. I will never be able to explain the roller coaster of emotions Camron and I experienced regarding the subject, but to say the least we still had baby on the brain. After many conversations we both came to the conclusion that it was very obvious that we have no control over when or how our children get here. It is completely in Heavenly Father's hands. We had decided that unless my doctor told us I absolutely had to wait we would just let things happen as they happened. We discussed our thoughts with my doctor at my 6 week postpartum check-up. She wanted me to at least wait long enough to have a period so we'd have a date to go by if I got pregnant right away. Well, the next day I started my period. I took that as a pretty good sign that we were good to go! I didn't expect to get pregnant right away, but of course in the back of my mind I hoped I would. After the first couple of months of being 5-6 days late, taking a test, having it be negative, and then starting my period, I began to get very angry. I wasn't supposed to be dealing with this. I was supposed to have a baby here, not having to start all over again. It became so frustrating. I decided I wasn't going to buy any more pregnancy tests to have at the house. They just became too much of a temptation when I was just a few days late. Then I'd just get frustrated and mad when they'd turn up negative. I told myself I wasn't going to check anymore until I was 2 weeks late! Well, on November 3, 2011, after being a week and a half late I decided I'd take a test. I dropped Brycson off at pre-school, ran some errands and stopped off at the dollar store. The entire section of pregnancy tests was empty!!! Are you kidding me?? I had some time to kill so I stopped at the grocery store and bought some tests there. I began thinking that I was just wasting my time and money, it was going to be negative like all the others anyway. I went to my in-laws house and took a test. I didn't even look at it for a while because I was so used to them being negative. It took me a minute or two for it to really sink in when I saw the two lines indicating a positive test. I of course immediately took another one! Another positive! My heart was racing, I was so happy, but so incredibly nervous at the same time. I said a little prayer right there in the bathroom thanking my Heavenly Father for this blessing, and prayed that everything would be okay. I picked up Brycson, went home and took another test, just to be sure. I have never been so nervous about telling Camron something in my life. I had to give myself a little pep talk before telling him. I never tell him if I'm late, or that I'm going to take a test. Even still I have never been able to surprise Camron with these announcements. This time he just looked at the tests and said "I thought you might be." (way to burst my bubble!) When I asked "Why?" he just said he had a feeling that I was.
After all the excitement wore off, then the nerves set in. Even though I was happy, I tried to convince myself that I couldn't get excited. I felt like if I didn't let myself get attached, then I wouldn't be as upset when something happened. In my mind it was never an "if something happens," it became a "when something happens." Camron tried to be cautiously optimistic, while he labeled me as cautiously pessimistic.
I had set aside some money to buy a doppler to listen to the baby's heartbeat, for when I got pregnant again. I ordered it the week I peed positive. I couldn't wait until I was far enough along to hear the heartbeat. What a relief it would be to be able to listen to my baby whenever I wanted to, or if I started to get nervous in any way.
I of course was nauseous and sick. Medicine of course didn't work. And I fought like crazy to keep my eyes open most of the time. If we didn't have Brycson, no Christmas decorations would have been put up and everyone would have gotten gift cards. I was SO EXHAUSTED!! I swore after losing Makayla that I would NEVER complain about being pregnant again. It didn't mean that I had to like it, it just meant I wouldn't complain about it. It's what I wanted, and feeling that crappy usually means things are still progressing well!
Camron and I decided we were going to wait to tell our family until I was much further along than the last two pregnancies. If I was someone who didn't show easily I would have waited until I was 20 wks or more. We had our first appointment when I was 9 wks along. I had to lie to my Mother and tell her I had a staff meeting so she could watch Brycson for me. It was pretty much the worst appointment EVER!! They couldn't find a heartbeat, and couldn't see anything on the portable ultrasound machine. The nurse practitioner believed that based on my measurements I just wasn't as far along as I thought I was, but believed everything was still okay due to my still being sick and tired They couldn't get me in for a formal ultrasound that day, so I had to wait two more days to find out what was going on. It was the worst two day wait. Of course my mind was going in all different directions, good and bad. Camron had to work but I was able to take Brycson with me to the ultrasound, so I didn't have to lie to anyone except Brycson. I had to tell him we were getting pictures taken to help me figure out why my stomach was bothering me. When we got there, we found out there was a mix-up in the scheduling, and my appointment had been given to another mom. I was about ready to cry then and there. All I wanted to know was that everything was okay. That indeed there was a little one in there, and that it was alive. The wonderful ultrasonographer was amazing and postponed his family dinner to fit me in and stayed almost an hour later than he was supposed to in making sure that everything looked okay. He was my lifesaver that day. The minute the probe hit my belly I started looking for that little flutter. As soon as I saw it, I started feeling a little more relieved. It was still a long road ahead, but at that moment I felt hopeful. The trouble with making it to 36 weeks with Makayla, is now there is no out of the woods point for us. Even now after getting Dylan here safely, we will always have the same worries with any future pregnancies. Most people just have to get to 12 or 13 weeks to feel like things would be okay. I wasn't going to be okay until this baby was here and even then I'd be worried about it being too good to be true. Once the ultrasound proved a viable pregnancy, I began my series of genetic testing, meeting with special maternal/fetal medicine docs and of course more frequent visits with my OB. After delivering Makayla, my doctor was convinced that I probably wouldn't be able to deliver vaginally again. "She was tiny, and it was still a tight squeeze." I was okay with having a c-section, and being in a controlled environment with this one. Just get him here safe.
Camron and I have had names picked out for boys since before we got married. We knew if it was a boy we would name him Frank Dylan. It's a tradition on his side of the family that the second son have the name Frank. Alternating between first and middle name. Since Camron's middle name is Frank, it was our turn for the second son to have Frank as the first name.
When Dr. Cannon and I started discussing delivery dates she said she would be comfortable taking the baby 2 weeks early, but not any sooner. That put us into the last week in June. She said that the 28th would probably be the best day. I almost laughed out loud in the office. That is Camron's dad, Grandpa Frank's, birthday. Both Franks could share the same birthday! It was still way too far away to really set a date in stone so I didn't think much of it. I was really weird about setting a date. I personally don't like the thought of picking my child's birthday. I felt better about it not being me picking his birthday if Dr. Cannon just told me what day would be the best.
We decided to tell our families the big news at Christmas time. I was starting to get to that fatness point where people would start wondering if I was gaining weight or if I was expecting. I couldn't wear hoodies everywhere I went, so it was time to let it be known. My Mom found out before anyone else, because with it being Christmas she wanted me to go out shopping and pick some clothes out for myself. At that point I was so sick and tired that crowds and shopping were THE. LAST. THING. I wanted to do. I finally had to tell her why I didn't want to go shopping, so she would let me be! The rest of the family found out on Christmas. My niece, Hayden, had been telling my sister for a few weeks that I had a baby in my tummy. We kept laughing it off and telling her how silly that was. So for the Smith family announcement we put a picture of our ultrasound in a card and gave it to Hayden to open, telling her that she was right!! She was going to be getting a new cousin! Camron's parents had been wanting a new picture of Brycson for their frame so we took a picture of him holding the baby announcement and told them that this picture of Brycson would have to do for now! I didn't expect to get as emotional as I did in telling our family. I think it was finally a relief to let someone else know, but at the same time it was inviting so many more people in on the emotional roller coaster. There was that fear that I'd feel like I'd be letting them down again if something happened with this pregnancy.
As the weeks went on and the pregnancy progressed finding out if it was a boy or a girl became the next hurdle. I had so many of the same pregnancy symptoms as both Brycson and Makayla that it was hard to really try and figure it out. I was sick like Makayla but tired like I was with Brycson. I had back pain like with Brycson, and hip pain like with Makayla. I craved rainbow sherbet like I did with Brycson, and burritos like I did with Makayla. Dylan's heart rate was "girl range" all of the time. Every time I'd have it in the plan at work to sneak away the ultrasound machine to get an early glimpse of baby parts something would come up and we wouldn't get to do it. Little Dylan wanted to remain a mystery! So the day finally arrived when we would find out if we were getting a baby boy or a baby girl. Brycson had said all along it was going to be a boy. Camron thought it was a girl. I deep down thought it was going to be a girl, but kept saying it was going to be a boy. I thought that it would be a boy, because deep down I knew that packing up Makayla's room and all of her clothes would be my next trial. It would have been way too easy to just leave everything as it was, and drawers full of already clean clothes! Camron's mom has said that Dylan has been the only grandchild that she's had any real thoughts either way. She knew all along it was going to be a boy. She said that she thought Makayla skipped in line and that it was now Dylan's turn. We had done all the old wives tale quizzes the night before, and Camron wore a shirt as close to pink as he could get on the day of the ultrasound to send out the girly vibes. Makayla was not cooperative at all with her first ultrasound and we had to wait two more weeks to find out she was a girl. I told Camron that if it happened again with this one, we were heading over to Fetal Fotos right after. I was not going to wait again! Everything was looking good, all the right parts were in the right places, etc. But he was not cooperating, he was not showing us the right parts. We were bouncing my belly, turning left and right to get him to move. The umbilical cord was stuck right in between his legs. I was getting so frustrated. Finally the ultrasonographer tried a different angle. She says, here's a leg, and here's the belly and here's LONG PAUSE.....
and I say "a winkie!" It was official, we were having a baby boy! It was a very bittersweet moment for Camron and I . In all honesty I think both of our hearts sunk a little bit. After the ultrasound I went up for my monthly check-up while Brycson and Camron went back to the car. I had a moment to sit and let it all really sink in. I realized that Heavenly Father was really looking out for us. That it was going to be best at this time to have a boy instead of a girl. Camron had just received a letter stating he would be starting nursing school in the Fall. The baby would be about 7 weeks old then. Money was going to be EXTREMELY tight. I already had five years worth of clothing, shoes, coats, etc. for a baby boy. Had it been a girl we would have had to buy new everything, and with all things girl, it could get really expensive. When I got back to the car, Camron asked me if I was okay. I told him what I had thought about and that I believed that a little boy would be best at this time. He shared that he was slightly disappointed, but that it would be okay. It was a pretty silent car ride. The whole experience was very different from the last two gender reveals. Now, I hate to sit here and say that we were kind of disappointed that it was a boy. Especially when so many couples struggle to have children and would be happy with either boy or girl. As much as I wanted to share my feelings with my fellow angel moms I refrained due to the fact that I felt like so many of them would just want to punch me in the face and just tell me to be happy that I was pregnant and that everything looked good. I struggled so much feeling like such a terrible Mom for even having the disappointing feelings. I don't know that I'll ever be able to explain in words the feelings in my heart regarding the situation, and I don't expect anyone to try and understand those feelings. It was very hard to go from being so excited about having a girl, then having that taken away, and now it remains a mystery if we'll ever have another chance at raising a little girl here on Earth.
As the weeks progressed the doctor's appointments, non stress tests, and ultrasounds to check fluid became more and more frequent. He would always move and kick all the way to the doctor's office and then stop the minute they hooked me up to the monitors. I would always have to drink juice, and they would always have to buzz my belly to get him to wake up. I had one test that did not go well. At about 35 weeks he was not reacting as well as they wanted him to, and my amniotic fluid levels had dropped almost half since the last visit the week before. They got worried and sent me in to the specialists the next day for more testing. Of course my mind starts freaking out. Here we are about the same time frame we lost Makayla. I called Camron and tried to stay calm. We talked about things and started talking about how we'd rather deliver and have a baby in the NICU than lose another one. He had to leave work that day because he was so worried and couldn't concentrate any more. Luckily everything turned out to be fine and we began the home stretch.
It took a long time for me to muster up the courage to go shopping for baby and get out all of Brycson's clothes. I felt like if I was prepared to bring him home, something would go wrong. I would jinx it. If I didn't have an outfit for him or a hospital bag packed we'd be better off. At about 36 wks along I finally took a deep breath and packed up Makayla's room, getting ready to unpack all the little boy things. I pretty much cried the whole time. Camron peeked in on me every now and then but couldn't be in the room. I think what was the worst thing about packing it all up was to see how much time and money people had spent on her and it all was just going in a box. I felt like we were finally closing the door on her in a way. Her short little life packed away into one little box. Her clothes, shoes and blankets all in the other two. That was it. The final hurdle if you will.
My tummy continued to grow and GROW!!
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24 weeks
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28 weeks
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32 weeks
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33 weeks
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36 weeks
Dr. Cannon set a date for Thursday, June 28, 2012. I'd be the first surgery of the day. Bright and early at 7:00 am. Both Grandpa Frank and Frank Dylan would share a birthday! As the day got closer and closer I got more and more nervous and more and more excited to just have him here. I was nervous about the surgery, and so very nervous about how our lives would change so much. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to have someone so dependent upon me for EVERYTHING again. We tried to spend as much time with Brycson as we could before it would become extremely limited.
June 27th- The day before Dylan was scheduled to arrive. Brycson and I finished cleaning the house and packing his bags. He was going to spend the night at Grandma Trudy's. Camron worked that morning. Brycson helped me pick out Dylan's coming home outfit, and helped me get the baby stuff ready. He was so excited to be getting a new brother and had lots of questions about what was going to happen, and when he was going to get to visit me. You could tell he was a little nervous as well when he would ask "What if Heavenly Father needs this baby too?" "If this baby goes to Heaven too, I will be sad, but it will be okay." It breaks my heart. No child should ever have to worry about such things. We talked about the conversations that must be happening in Heaven between Makayla and Dylan, and how Makayla was probably telling him all about his new family and their big brother, Brycson!
My mom offered to take Brycson earlier than planned so Camron and I could go out if we wanted to. We took her up on that offer and decided to go see a movie. We weren't sure when we'd get that chance again. We dropped Brycson off and said our goodbye's. My mom could tell I was really nervous and kept telling me how everything was going to be okay. I expected to be more emotional dropping Brycson off. It was crazy to think that in 24 hours our family would change so much. We set up Brycson's bed, gave our hugs and smooches and left him for the night. We stopped at Target to get Brycson a Big Brother gift for the next day, and then headed to the movies. We decided we'd go see "Rock of Ages!" Towards the end of the movie I started having some pretty strong Braxton Hicks contractions. They were frequent enough I started timing them. I told Camron as we left that if they got any worse we might have to head to the hospital. He immediately started whining if you will, and begging to just get a few hours of sleep PLEASE. For those of you that don't know for both Brycson and Makayla I went into the hospital on days that Camron had worked all day. For both kiddos Camron had been up since five that morning and I delivered on both occasions after 4 in the morning the next day. Camron had been up for almost 24 hours for both births. He did not want to go through that again. The contractions stopped before we even got home. We got home around 11:00 pm. I took a shower, packed my bag and finally got to bed around 2:00 am. Surprisingly enough I slept pretty well. At about 4:30 a.m. I rolled over in bed and had an excruciating pain shoot through my belly. I sat up in bed and just started crying. I thought I had pulled a muscle or something. It hurt so bad. I got up went to the bathroom and laid back down. Thirty minutes later when my alarm went off I woke up with the same pain again. I was supposed to call the hospital at 5:30 to see if they'd be ready for me. I started getting ready and realized the pains I had been feeling were contractions. I told Camron that if the hospital told me they weren't ready we'd be heading in anyway, cause I thought I was in labor. Luckily when I called they told me they'd be ready and to head on in. We finished getting ready and the contractions became more and more steady and more and more painful. This was supposed to be Dylan's birthday whether we were stepping in and taking him out or not! We arrived at the hospital, checked in and headed over to Labor and Delivery. We had to stop at least 2 times on the way so that I could have a contraction. They were getting pretty painful and stopping me in my tracks. It was a crazy walk down that same hallway and into the delivery room. Just a year ago we were making that same walk and getting settled into a room where we would get the worst news of our lives. I can't even describe the feelings that came over me. We arrived a little late so they rushed to get me dressed and prepped for surgery. I didn't even have time to take a last belly picture. The contractions were getting more intense and closer together, but because I'd be going in soon I just had to deal with them. Dr. Cannon was shocked to hear I was in labor when she arrived. We discussed the surgery with Dr. Cannon, and the anesthesiologist who happened to be the same one I had for Makayla. Camron got dressed in his scrubs and we made the long trek down the hall into the O.R.
Of course it's freezing in there. I climbed up on the table and got ready for the spinal block procedure. I'm trying to hold still because I'm so cold I'm shaking to death and have to pause every few minutes to let a contraction pass. Not the best combination when someone is trying to put a needle in your back. Camron stood in front of me holding me close to help me stop shivering. The anesthesiologist had to re-adjust the needle twice to get it in the right spot. It wasn't painful, just frustrating. Finally I'm numb and situated, ready for surgery. Like with Brycson I made Camron talk to me so I wouldn't hear when they were starting to cut. I'm sure it was only just a few minutes, but it felt like forever before they were telling me I'd feel pressure and before I heard him cry. Can I just say that is the BEST sound in the whole world!!! At 8:00 a.m. on the dot on Thursday, June 28, 2012 Frank Dylan Hales entered this world!
6 lbs. 14 oz. 19 inches long.
Camron and I just broke down crying. He was finally here!! Dr. Cannon brought him over so I could see him and then let the nurses take over. Camron went over to be with Dylan. Dylan was ticked!! He was not happy about being in that cold room. He had a good set of lungs and he wasn't afraid to use them. They finally wrapped him up and brought him over for me to hold him. He was so perfect! We had a few moments with him and then Camron and Dylan left and Dr. Cannon finished up with me. When they brought me back to the room there were my two boys, just hanging out! I still think that's why Camron is Dylan's favorite. They had all that male bonding time together while I was still in surgery.
Camron's mom was released from the hospital that morning after having surgery of her own a few days before. They stopped by the hospital on their way home. They were the first two to meet Dylan.
Three generations of Frank Hales'
Grandpa Frank, Camron Frank and Frank Dylan.
Brycson arrived after they moved me over to post-partum. He was excited to see us, but a little apprehensive about this new little baby. He kept saying Dylan smelled funny. We think he was smelling the hand sanitizer we made him use, but he was sure it was Dylan who smelled funny. He was definitely a proud big brother, and loved showing him off to everyone. He loved coming to visit mom and sharing my treats.
I pretty much spent the whole first day like this...
I was wiped out! I could not keep my eyes open! I felt dizzy and nauseous most of the rest of the day.
Our first family photo
Dylan had lots of visitors including cousin Qwynn who kept saying "My Baby!"
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