Update.

Good news!!
Callie baby passed her weigh in! She's now a healthy petite 6lbs9.5 oz

She's much more alert, just in the last few days. Which is so good!

I am doing good. I am happy. I am enjoying my days with my babies.

And now, for a massive photo dump.
With lots of captions updated on a later date.

one month.

look at that sweetness!

this might just be alot. so just, be prepared.

first of all, a week ago we took above chica to her "two week" apointment..right at her one month mark. (mother of the year)(where i also found out lynley hasn't been in since she was 18 months...) aanyways.. our little lovely girl was weighing at a whopping 6lbs2oz. well under where our doctor would like her to be (a pound over birth weight)... now, to some mom's this might not be devastating news. to this mom, it means tears. 

i am hell bent on nursing Callie. i feel like i tapped out way too early with Lynley.. it was hard. i was 19. and at around 2.5-3 months, i gave up..

i feel like we both missed out on something.. and i would like to find out what exactly that something is.

i feel like, as a woman, i was perfectly designed to sustain life, my babies life.

i feel like, you get to do this only so many times in your lifetime. it's so special. 

since we've had little callie girl.. nursing hasn't been any easier then with lynley. callie doesn't go more than 2 hours between feedings. i have put everything on hold to get the nursing thing down. and it is so hard. every other night, i am in fetal position, ready to throw in the towel totally.and then somehow 30 minutes later my milk will let down, and we start all over.

so, anyways, it's a struggle. and then, to see that she hasn't gained really all that much weight....it's personal! it means that i am not doing what i was designed to do! well, that's how it feels anyway.

i have been reading books, and all over the internet, making myself a complete basket case. (why do i get on the internet? it always makes thing 1000 times worse lol all the horror stories!) which is making me have less milk, i'm sure.

anywayyyyys. today, before my appointment to get callie re weighed, i  just said a prayer. out loud, after i dropped lyn off at school. and i just was like, okay, this isn't about me. this is about this little child. HIS child. and i am ready to surrender this over to Him. i cannot keep this huge secret heart wrenching owie all to myself anymore.it is making me crazy. i don't have the answers. i don't know what to do. but...i do have perfect faith that He knows what i should do. and i am ready to listen, and DO. whatever that may be. 

when you have kids, everyone tells you that you never sleep. everyone tells you how awesome it is. everyone tells you how cute your kids are. 

no one tells you,(my mom just confessed this to me recently) that being a mom, is just partly heart wrenching owies. one after the next. for forever i think. it's a secret hell at times, that only you (and i believe my Father in Heaven) know. it's those long, lonely nights, praying that my milk will let down just one more time so i don't have to give her a bottle. it's pleading that i can be content, that i can calm the worry, the anxiety. it's throwing everything you have, and i mean everything you are at tiny little people, and hope that you are doing it right. all to watch them turn 16 and pray even harder that they come home whole, and okay from wherever they are, away from you.

being a mother is every bit happy and sad and maddening and exhilarating and amazing and refreshing and amazing and just everything times ten.

i am waiting to hear from our pediatrician (whom i love and trust 100%) on what his advice would be for me. with her being in the 1%, i am sure that his suggestion will be to start supplementing something. if i take all my emotions out of it, she needs what my mom calls it "dessert". she needs some some meat on her bones. she has grown 3 inches..and really has only put on a few ounces.. 

here's where i am: no matter what, this does not define me as a mother. i feel like, our society is all like, "nurse or die" and if you don't nurse your kid til he's 4.. then something is seriously off with your mothering. i hate the guilt that is put on mothers! i hate it! everyone is different  and every child is different. and it does NOT mean youre a better or worse mother for listening to doctors or your own instincts.

this is hard place to be at, because it takes trust. trust in yourself. and as women, i think that we doubt ourselves way too much.

but, this is where i am trying to be. i am telling myself i am ok. i am happy. i am a good mom. no matter what. because, what we tell ourselves, is what we will be. 

i love my children. 

they really are gifts straight from God.

i pray that i can be the mother they deserve.

and with His help, i believe that i can be.

One month.

Okay.. its official. We all survived the first month!

We took callie girl to her 2 week apt yesterday.. and our Dr was a little concerned about her weight gain.. We are going in to get reweighed in a week.

Other then that...she is healthy as a horse...a 6 lb horse. Lol

Life here is falling into a semi-consistant rythm.. nursing is hard. And sometimes We lay in bed all day. But, lyn has gone back to school, and I now can totally brave the grocery store.

Callie is "coming to life".. and is awake and alert much more.. she loves to be right next to mama, which I love equally as much.. my baby wearing wrap thingy has been put to good use! I am learning how to burp a baby..and its not as easy as it sounds! I never ever had to burp lynley.. but callie needs it. It can be frustrating at 3am.. but I regret it at 4am if I don't. There is something really magical about nursing my baby by the Christmas tree in the quiet peaceful house during the night.. and sometimes ill opt to get up and sit in the living room.. because it makes me happy. Lyn is wanting to hold her "baby sister" and whenever she cries lyn starts singing her sushing her softly, and callie usually quiets right down. Lyn also is my little runner. She gets me this and that, she tosses diapers, and gets me oranges. She also has learned how to pour her own bowl of cereal, sneak candy and hide the evidence, open and finish yogurt, and wash her hands. She is the sweetest. She never ever wakes me up if I'm sleeping.. she's being so nice to me.. and she takes really good care of me. I love her. I carried her into the house tonight, she was asleep...and she felt huge to me. She's growing. Always. Boo hoo.

Okay... Thats a good update for now. :)

Honesty. And sleep.

I knew that i was going to miss sleep. I haven't been getting up with babies for a few years now...

I keep thinking, in the wee hours of the morning, for the fifth time, rocking back and forth, that i do not recall it being this hard.

I am sure that some magic forgetting powers worked their magic on me... Giving me a false sense of "I can totally do this, and regain total normality within a few days.. a week TOPS."

Ha.ha.

Last night, as I was nursing callie for literally the millionth time that day.. all while trying to will away the flu that is now upon me in full force.. I wanted to cry. I wanted to cry so bad, but I was too tired to even muster up.a few pity party tears.

This is hard!
Lyn has been acting like a crazy kid, I know because she misses me. She says things like, "you always feed the baby".. she has watched more movies then I will.ever admit to, and I know she is going crazy in this house...I feel so bad for her. I, for the first time understand the draw to have your kids close together, automatic play mates..

I am going to let her go back to school soon. I am.

I am also turning into an OCD crazy who is scared germs are gonna kill my daughter.

Dramatic much?
Ready to slap me yet?
I am ready to slap myself.

And whats so ironic. Is that after all my efforts. Locking us in the house for weeks now... I still end up with the one thing I was desperately trying to prevent!
I am still kneeling.over the toilet puking!

Resist persist.
Come on court.

Anyways, if you've done this.. you know its a roller coaster..
You have moments of intense joy, and fulfillment, and moments like this one... Where it is just hard.

It's no wonder why us mamas are willing to do anything for.our kids..
When you put so much into them, the amount of devotion and love is unexplainable.

Okay, here's to taking a long nap today, and not even feeling guilty about it.
Here's to survivng the first three weeks.
Here's to doing something fun w lynley, no matter what today.
Here's to choosing joy. Even when the latter option seems overwhelming.
Heres to honesty.. even when its not pretty.

A post about thanks.

It's no secret that I have not so rare out of body moments where I cannot even hold all my gratitude inside.. and it spills out, in one hot mess.

The last 5 years have been the best years of my 23 years.

5 years. It feels like its been 100 years, and 20 seconds all at the same time.

It's almost a joke trying to put into words how thankful I am for all my father in heaven has blessed my family and I with.... Words will never do!

I cannot and will not ever deny the Lords hand in all things.

I love my husband.
I love my babies.
I love all my family.
And of course, everything inbetween.

Happy thanksgiving all!

Callie's First week. via instagram.

it's very hard to believe that her first week here has come and gone..
but, it's the truth!
and let me just say..it's been a joy to be her mom thus far. :)

my very favorite visitor in the hospital.


i kiss this little one probably a gillion times a day.


here she is! just minutes old.


dad and callie getting their cuddle on. i think this photo is beautiful, and i cannot handle the amount of love i have for these two people.


sound asleep..this is how she has spent the majority of her first week.. the difference between a 3 week early babe and a 2 full term babe i've decided.


a sneak peek of her newborns.
my absolute fav newborn shoot of all time.


my belly a day before she came out to meet us. it is so amazing..that she was inside of me one minute, and a full little person that totally works the next!


doing a little "at home preschool"...
i am not sending her because of germmmssss!! aghh!


a few days old.. teeny tiny little callie girl.


her eyes! a rare scene the past week!


me the day before she came out. .. a reflection in our fridge. classy photo haha


three girls. the new norm. and we all love it.


more kissing.


in the hospital.


hanging out at home. our new normal. and it feels good. so so good.


um.. if you are wondering where we are the next few weeks..the answer is at home. i will be locking us IN..trying to keep healthy! until our little one puts on a few pounds. :)

Callie Z Casper Birth Story

it all started friday the 2nd, so my last post.
i went to my apt.
i was still measuring 33cm, she same as 2 weeks prior.
also, not a pound on the scale..even after all my efforts!
i was also having lots of contractions that morning, like lots.
i was so afraid i was going to go into labor and deliver a 4 lb baby.
my  midwife ordered an ultra sound, to make sure everything looked okay. i was having a break down. i am so happy tyler was there. i just wanted to see a healthy baby in me...
the ultra sound went well, and although a little painful with my contractions (likely brought on by my anxiety and stress levels) the tech said that the fluids looked good..we just have a tiny baby in there. my midwife showed the ultra sound the one of the doctors over them, and he agreed with her, that everything looked good.

tiny is okay with me. i am not under the delusion that i will ever be able to make an 8 lb baby. i make small humans. and that is a-okay. but, the ultra sound said that she was weighing 5 lbs 4 oz. ultra sound measurements can and often do go a pound either way. and at almost three weeks to go, i felt like, i could make her grow a little more before her big debut.

we left feeling good.and hopeful that we were gonna keep her in until the 19th at least. (for her sake, and the sake of our savings)

i continued to have contractions all through the day putting me and everyone else on high alert... tyler canceled his trip to FL for the following day. my mom canceled her trip to LA for the following day as well. just in case.

they finally stopped around 8pm. i went to bed, and said a prayer, and i was just felt like, okay, she can come when she's ready. i am never going to be totally ready..so she can come when she wants to come.

next day, no contractions. i felt like, good! she's going to give us a few more weeks.
i was really tired on saturday. and for the first time, i opted out of walking, and chose a nap.
i also packed a hospital bag, and purchased a pack of newborn diapers. lol.
tyler cleaned out the garage, and did the yard, i cleaned the house.

sunday was good too. we took it easy.

monday was great. tyler went to work. i took lyn the park. i did our laundry and cleaned our bathrooms.
i wanted to do sometihng fun for family night, tyler got on the phone and we went to the legacy center that night with the means family.

while at the legacy center tyler pulled mr hero on us, and caught a life guard who had passed out up on her tower.. carried her to lifeguard room while she was convulsing. he was pretty proud of himself, and i was thinking how handy he is to have around. and, life is never boring.

anyways, i started to not be able to breath in that humid indoor pool, so we got our things together to leave. we decided we'd stop by mcdonalds for icecream on our way home.

when i got into the car, i had a missed call and an voicemail marked urgent. weird. i listened to it & it was the midwife on call, saying she had some info that Dr Parker (one of 2 doctors over the midwives) wanted her to pass on to me.............
panic mode instantly.
i called her back, which is actually just a page, and we watied.
i have never seen either doctor, ever. i did know that on friday, my midwife showed my ultrasound to Dr. (i cant remember the other doctors name) and she said he thought everything looked great.

she finally called me back as we pulled into mcdonalds.
she said, that dr parker got ahold of my ultrasound and was very concerned, he felt like this baby needed to be born, and strongly suggested an induction, that night.

what?!?

my midwife stayed nuetral on the situation, just telling me that it is totally up to me. and that whatever i wanted to do, we would do.
i told her i'd call her back.

tyler instantly was on board.
i was much more hesitant.
i wanted her to grow more.
i did not want to deliver a 4lb baby.

the doctors concern was that i wasnt gaining weight, and neither was she. a week or 2, probably wouldn't have made any difference. it was like twilight. ha. not really, but that's what i kept thinking. it was like, she was taking everything from me, the only problem was, i didn't have much to give. we were both losing.

so, we made the call and told the midwife that we were giong to do the induction.

we went home, and planned on being at the hospital at aound midnight. timpanogos hospital.
i made some calls, one to my dad.
he mentioned in passing if we had checked if Timp hospital was in network with my insurance, i said yes. we had and we were all set.
i for some reason mentioned this to tyler and he confirmed, yes we had checked and yes it was in network..
then he decided to double check.

not in network.
my insurance is with IHC. american fork hospital.

.....

so, we made the call--- goodbye all our supplemental plans we had been paying on for a year. about 3k dollars.. hello american fork hospital. (later finding out that infact all our supplemental plans DID pay out, anywhere! i dunno what we were thinking, but the fact that all this is going to work out...divine intervention. i have no doubt)

now i am on anxiety level about 9.

we call my midwife and inform her of the change, she sighs a big sigh of relief! she said that, in her expirience with timp hospital, because they are not non for profit like IHC, and just built a huge NICU center it was very likely that our baby would spend some time in the nicu< just due to her being early< and the fact that she wasnt giong to be a big baby. there's a name for the condition.. isg or something.

anyways, whew.

i decided to get into the shower, and try and relax a little. i got undressed and stood in front of the mirror and sobbed. i felt like i needed to mourn the end of this pregnancy for a second. i loved being pregnant this time. loved every second. i loved having her inside of me. loved my belly. loved it all. and it was about to end. how many times in  my life am i going to do this? how many times is it going to go so amazing? i dont' know. but i sure loved it all.

tyler was alarmed. haha i didn't expect him to understand.

i got into the shower, and cried and cried and cried.
i cried because i was scared.
i cried because i didn't want to leave lynley.
i cried because i wasnt ready.
i cried because i felt like crying, and at 9 months pregnant, i hear that's reason enough.

we got lyn in the car, and all our stuff, and we headed to alpine to drop her off at my moms.
the car ride there was..weird. surreal.
i hugged and kiss lynley a million times in her sleep before we left, and whispered in her ear that she'd always be my baby girl and i loved her so much. she looked so peaceful in her sleep. and i swear i could see her newborn tiny face, nose, and lips that i stared at for hours when i had her.

and then ten minutes later we walked into AF hospital. it felt amazing to know where i was going, i felt at ease.

then we rang the phone to let us in, when they asked what we needed tyler responded, "we're here to have a baby." i laughed so hard. he always makes me laugh when i need to laugh, especially because i was really about to start crying agian.

they walked us to our room, and i got undressed, they hooked up my IV, my midwife placed the cervix ripening pill, i popped an ambien, and fell asleep.

woke up at around 7 am, expecting to have this baby within a few hours.
ha ha ha.

they started my epidural around 1 when i was dialted to 3.
then they started pitocin at around 2 to get things going..after still being at 4.

i was stuck at a 5 for like 5 hours or something.
during that time, i let my epidural wear off somehow...
and let me just say, i will never have a baby nautrally. never.
i was in so much pain, i couldn't even stand it. like literally i was going crazy. the pressure! oh my heavens. i will spare the details here.but man oh man.

my midwife was amazing.she is new to the practice, and i had only met her once, but when i met her, i felt a connection with her and wanted her to deliver me so bad. but she didn't start officially delivering until around the 19th..they happened to be super busy that night, so she was with me. i do not think that was a coincidence.  so was my nurse. she said all the things i needed to hear, when i needed to hear them. i didn't feel like i was on a strict time table, she made me feel like, my body was doing what it was supposed to, that everything was going to be great.

they gave me a stronger dose of epidural. and i was super numb. and it was fabulous.
my midwife told my mom and tyler to leave me alone for a little while and for me to sleep.
i was hesitant at first, but tyler insisted.
so i put my head phones in and jammed to this song...and i kept thinking this officially makes me a teeny bopper giving birth.

i was in and out of sleep for about 30 min before my midwife came in, and checked me ( iwas still half asleep)..and she looked shocked. she said, "you ready to have this baby courtney?" no! yes! i called my photographer, "get here, now" then iw as like, oh, i should call my husband lol i guess on the phone i was like, "you should probably come up now"..

so i went from a 5 to a 10 in 30 ish minutes.

now, my FAVORITE PART.
everything was calm.
we waited for my photographer to get there.
tyler mentioned he wanted to deliver the baby, jokingly, and instead he washed and robed up and positioned himself to deliver our daughter. my mom was holding one leg for me and my other midwife on the other side.
they could see her head already.
tylers face was, priceless. he was so excited. and nervous.
they said, okay, start pushing.
i was laughing, because i had forgot how?
i kind of pushed..and then my midwife was just like, okay now a few short giggles!
i was laughing my daughter out.
literally.
i "pushed" for a whopping 5 minutes.

then she said, "reach down and feel her!"
strangest moment of my entire life.
i totally pulled a Kortney Kardashian.
amazingggg.

then, tyler delivered our baby girl.
he put her on my chest, and she never left.
she was beyond gorgeous. and i cried and cried and cried.

it was so amazing.
the images are so vivid in my mind, and i am so happy that i had a photographer there to freeze those images for me for forever.

i had her. and guess what! she wasn't 4 lbs! in fact, she was bigger than lynley was! 5lbs 11 oz.

i didn't tear at all.
so amazing.

and that was that.
she was there, healthy.
it was such a beautiful experience, and it was the spirit was so strong.
all my fears about not bonding like i had with my first, pshhh.
i loved her all the way 100% instantly.
instantly.

although our guy Mitt lost that night, November 6th will forever be one of my favorite days of all time.
Callie Z Casper came into our family, and she really is the perfect little missing piece.

an update.

so, as of November first, i was officially insured.
i waited to go to my next appt until november second!
hooray for copays!
hooray for everything that is great insurance!
hooray for obamacare!
wait.
...
...
...
...
...

anyways:
my last appointment, 2 weeks ago i was measuring small, as usual.
my midwife really stressed the importance of putting alittle weight on, for the baby's sake.
i really made an effort.
i took my vitamins.
i ate.
and i barley worked out.

so..when i was measuring the SAME as 2 weeks before, with not a pound extra on the scale...and a slew of hard contractions that had started that morning and were about 2-3 minutes apart..and effaced and dialated to a 1.5...
my midwife ordered an ultrasound.
(hooray for insurance! and not having to pay $500!)

my fluids looked good.
baby looks healthy, and good.
tiny.
but healthy.
you'll remember lynley was full term 5lbs 7oz.
i juts don't make big humans!!

anyways...after a few meltdowns from me.. my midwife just was really awesome, and positive about everything. telling me to go home, lay down, try to get the contractions to slow or stop.

which, around 8pm they finally did.
thank goodness.
i am still three weeks out!! right?!?

i doubt it.

my next apt is on wednesday, and as long as i take it easy, i can totally keep the labor under control.
well see, if the babes still hasn't grown.. well it's better to get them on the outside and get them gaining weight at that point.

it was emotional for me. and it made everything REAL reallllllyyyy fast.
so, today, we are doing things that need to be done. cleaning things that need to be cleaned. and trying my very very hardest to take it easy! i at least want to give me and this baby a few more days to try and make this work! i do not want to deliver a 4 lb baby here..no way. 5 lbs was tiny enough!

so, that's that.
have i told you how blessed i am to have insurance?
oh my heavens.

thank you dad.
you are the besttest.

days & weeks.

the days and weeks are FLYING by.

flying.

lynley is very concerned lately about my growing belly.. she is super aware of it, and it's accompanying...uncomfortableness. she's very sweet to me, and often tells me, that someday my belly will go away :)


my mom picked up some "zombie finger" suckers at the dollar store. at first lynely was very excited! and then..after a few licks told us that "this is making me sick!" when i asked her, why, she said, "little girls arent supposed to eat zombie fingers!" lol she was freaked out by it. it was so funny.


we finally made the trip to the pumpkin patch to pick out a few pumpkins. lyn kept running from one to the other saying (yelling) "look at this big guy!" haha she settled on two, a big one and a little one.


this was a really sweet moment... ever since i about clipped off the tip of newborn lynley's finger, clipping finger nails has been dad;s job. a job that he takes very seriously. and its something that she wont even let me consider doing. i was still laying in bed, and he stopped what he was doing early in the am to clip her, long toenails and fingernails.


us doing what we do best..movie night.


watching the pres. debate on monday.


yikes! no wonder lynley is so aware of this bellY! hard to miss these days. an old lady even stopped me in the mall and asked when i was due today...lol. that is a first this pregnancy.  you know you're looking a little on the large side when complete strangers dont hesitate in commenting, and giving their input.


speaking of pregnancy...............
i am almost ready to feel ready.
i even purchase a nursing bra....which is a big step, for me. it means that its real.

my first pregnancy was hard. it was unexpectanly uncomfortable, and i was so swollen, and clausterphobic, and i was so anxious. i wanted so so so bad to see her face, to do dress her up, and put little bows on her head. i was overly prepared, therefore it was like awaiting xmas morning as an 8 year old.. torture! every day pregnant in the last month was possibly the day.
it is so not like that this time. time goes so fast, that i feel like i'm in a whirlwind..it is slipping throuhg my fingers, no matter how i try and hold on to it. everyday we are closer to change. closer to..so much. my anxiety may be higher this time around...but this time, for what i KNOW is ahead. its i'm just going to say it: i am going to be like a first time mom agian. i have been out of baby mode for so long.. i am scared to go back. scared that i will be so thrown for a loop, that i wont know what to do.
i know too much, and yet i feel like i know nothing at all.

this is getting very confusing, and very wordy.

i listened to a talk the other day called "finding joy in the journey" by pres monson. he says, "day by day, minute by minute, second by second we went from where we were to where we are now. the lives of all of us, of course, go through similiar atlerations and changes. the difference between the changes in my life and the changes in yours is only in the details. time never stands still; it must steadily march on, and with the marching, comes the changes. this is our one and only chance at moratl life- here and now. the longer w live, the greater is our realization that it is brief. oppportunites come, and then they are gone. i believe that among the greatest lessons that help us distinguish between what is important and what is not. i plead with you not to let those moset important things pass you by as you plan for illusive and nonexistent future when you willhave time to do all that you want to do. instead, find joy in the journey-now"

i was walking, as strenuslouy as possible on my treadmill (haha) and i heard this, and it nearly struck me dead. i started crying, and literally almost fell off the treadmill. (about put my into labor, i swear) i fight the "marching of time"..i fight it so hard. i try to document everything. i try to put into stone what i can.. i feel loss, when i should feel joy at the great milestones in my daughters life....and here's president monson's voice in my ears telling me to knock it the heck off. that i will spend all that time i'm fighting... dwelling on the past, and i'll miss the present. that change is OKAY. and it is part of the plan. His plan.

wow, more words. okay. time to wrap it up here.

courtney,
enjoy the next few weeks as things are. enjoy them hardcore. and then, accept change, and enjoy the coming months and years to come. enjoy them all, because life is fragile, and this time on the earth is short...

"let us relish life as we live it, find joy in the journey, and share our love with friends and family. one day each of us will run out of tomorrows"

:)