A connection

Have you ever met someone who you were drawn to instantly? Someone you wanted to get to know, felt an instant connection? I have encountered people like this at different times in my life and it often surprises me how quickly my emotions come in to play. I am usually very guarded and I don't have a lot of close friends but every once in a while it happens.

The one thing I don't understand is the timing. In the past I thought it was me; I was in a low place and there was someone I needed to talk to. Reach out to. But I am not in that place right now. I didn't think so but this kind of snaps me back and reminds me that things are not as hunky dory as I pretend they are. (if I ignore it, maybe it will go away) Maybe it's just a connection I'm missing but didn't realize? Maybe there is something in this person that I wish I could see in myself? I could probably go on with "maybes" but that won't get me anywhere, either.

I don't know why I felt the need to blog about this today. It has been in my mind since this morning and I can't shake it. Why? I don't know. The thing about it too is even if we became more than acquaintances I would still be guarded. I can feel it.

Dad

Just when I think I can't or won't get sucked in and he's not really part of me anymore I get blindsided by a phone call and I'm flooded with emotion. I was totally unprepared for the range of emotions after my stepmother called to tell me my dad is in the hospital. He is in for his gall bladder but because of several factors he's still in a bit of a precarious condition.

I called the hospital and was able to get him in his room and sounded fairly lucid considering he's high on pain meds. It was good to talk to him and he cracked a few jokes to keep the conversation light. He filled me in on what is happening, when he'll have surgery and the recovery. It will be a challenging couple of weeks for him and his wife. I'm afraid my oldest sister will probably bear the biggest chunk of the burden because she lives the closest.

As an adult I have mostly "written him off" because it was too hard to keep setting myself up for disappointment and hurt. But then I get one call and I got upset, worried, sad and started thinking if I needed to get out there would I be able to get a flight. It also makes me angry. Angry because he has that kind of "hold" on me that I thought was gone.

He promised to keep me informed and to talk again over the weekend. My gut reaction is that he won't and I'll expect a call that will never come. But in reality he's laid up in the hospital and doesn't have anything else to do.

Holiday Season

I've thought about blogging for a while now... it's been a busy couple of months. I finally found a job and it's one I (mostly) enjoy but it takes a lot of time out of the week. Things, in general, are better then they have been in the past. Around Thanksgiving I remembered two years ago when I was not in a good place and what a rough time I had - I am nowhere near that place and for that I'm grateful. After a couple of challenging years I can say this fall/holiday season has been, and continues to be, better. I feel like I can actually enjoy the holidays, my girls and the life we have. In that dark place, everything is a struggle and finding happiness is a challenge. I tried to put on a happy face but, truth be told, I'm not a very good actress. (not as good as I thought I was, anyway)

Things are different because I'm working. After an exhaustive job search, I finally got hired to work retail. It wasn't my first choice but honestly, it's what I'm good at. (ignore bad grammar) And as far as retail goes... I have the best schedule. Yes, really. I work 6a-2p, 4 days a week and I don't work weekends. I don't have to pay for after-school care for the girls and I get weekends off - it's a Win-Win. I didn't realize how much I missed working; getting paid and having regular adult interaction is nice. I don't make a bunch of money but every little bit helps. I know I could make more but when I interviewed for management jobs I think I was penalized because I took 5+ years off. It's okay... I probably would have been miserable at that job anyway. The District Manager was kind of a bitch and I suspect she only interviewed me because I know one of her GMs. (and not remembering the specifics of management practices at Old Navy didn't help either. that was like 8 years ago! cut me some slack) It's okay... looking back I think I would have been unhappy; no amount of money would have changed that fact.

I also appreciate our family time on the weekend much more. Before I was working the weekends were a time when I could "escape" and my husband would spend time with the girls. Now I'm happy to be here all together. It should be the time when I catch up on all the chores I neglect during the week but that hasn't happen, as of late. We have a huge pile of laundry in the closet and I have no desire to do laundry, non-stop, all weekend.

This time before Christmas feels like it's slipping away with no signs of slowing down. I still feel like I so much to do and I am working every day M-F. The paycheck will be nice but I'd love to have more time off! Because I'm so busy I'll go ahead and wish everyone a Merry Christmas now!

Highs and lows

I can't believe it's been two months since my last entry and nothing has changed. I still don't have a job even though I have made many, many applications and even had a few interviews. Our situation is NOT better. The ups and downs up job hunting and out financial situation is wearing on me. I feel like I am doing so many things to help the situation but it barely makes a dent. I can't even get a call from Target. Have you ever talked to the geniuses there? What is wrong with me???

And the Mommy guilt I have from sending my (just barely) 5 year old to the all day Pre-K has its' own ups and downs. Especially on the days she has a meltdown over something that wouldn't normally bother her or has soccer and falls asleep on the way home... both because she's so tired from being at school all day. I try to explain that if she'd try to nap she wouldn't be so tired but I know I can't change it - she quit napping at 2.5 years old.

I told Dan last night that something's gotta give. Something has to change. I can't keep doing this.

Tired

I'm tired of being stressed about money.
I'm tired of empty promises about job leads.
I'm tired of not hearing back or getting a "no."
I'm tired of eating like a pauper.
I'm tired of having to use all my creativity to make meals.
I'm tired of snapping at my kids because I'm stressed.
I'm tired of pretending everything is just fine.

Update

I had to deal with some stuff last month that I never thought I'd have to deal with again in a million years. Okay, maybe not a million years but you get the idea. May was an interesting month and I'm glad it's gone. There were a rough couple of weeks with a couple of very stressful days and I'm glad they're over.

Summer is here and I am loving that every day is wide open. I hate schedules when they're imposed by someone else. I have our schedule laid out but it's not a fixed schedule so the girls have at least an idea of what is happening everyday. If they beg to go to the pool I can say "look at the schedule, it's Monday, we have to do laundry and pick up before we go." They seem to be mostly agreeable. My 8 year old seems to do better with some sort of schedule, however loose it may be. I'm more lax on some rules during the summer but try to keep the basic stuff.

Training has been hit or miss since school got out. I have our daily schedule worked out but haven't figured out how to work training in to our day. But truthfully, I haven't tried all that hard, either. I ride 2 or 3 times and swim 2 or 3 times and that's okay with me. I don't have any races planned so more training isn't necessary. I am working on accepting that this is the way it's going to be this season. I might be able to do one or two late season races but they're up in the air right now too.

It's Friday so that means sweeping and vacuuming before we go to the pool. :) Hope you enjoy your weekend.

Even keel

When I started my other blog I really thought I'd have material for both but as of late, I haven't. Things have been going okay and I've been busy training so not much has gone in to this blog. This one is still more personal while the other is about training, riding and other related subjects that strike my fancy. ;)

I have, for the most part, had a good 2010 so far. Things have pretty much stayed on an even keel. There was a brief time when I was working through some issues but they have faded. I made my training log private and wrote a never to be published entry on here that helped. I was able to work through it without putting it all out there. There really was some therapy to getting it down even if I am the only one who will ever see it. I felt better after I typed it, like I'd told someone about it.

Now the only thing getting me down is not being able to race. Because of family obligations and financial reasons I have missed and will miss several races I'd tentatively planned to do. I'm bummed I am missing my original "A" race this weekend. I sat down yesterday and tried to schedule the rest of my season. I love riding just to ride but I feel better when I have a goal, it gives me focus.

With the end of school comes a feeling of freedom that I've been missing. Only 5 days of school left and we're "free" for ten weeks. At least we won't be bound by the school schedule anymore. We have a couple things planned that I hope will make it a good summer like our last one. Hopefully a beach do-over as well.