Weird

 All of October has past and we are nearing the end of November.

I am disillusioned with social media. 

I am tired of being sold something. Anything really.

Anxiety makes scrolling feel good but does the scrolling actually make it worse? It is shortening our already short attention span? 

Sometimes having book to reach for helps. Sometimes breathing helps. Sometimes going outside helps. But sometimes I still find myself scrolling. Or missing the good things on social media. Friends, great ideas, beauty...

It is a weird season, in a weird time, in a weird culture. And social media has made it no less weird.

Is simplicity the answer?

 

Late stage capitalism.

I've heard this term more than once recently. And makes me think I should research it.

It first makes me think of fear. I think it is used to instill fear. Fear can be good, but fearful words used to make you feel something sends up a red flag for me. That does not mean that it isn't true, usually there is truth in fearful words. I just don't like when others try to get people to react or feel something because of their words.

And truthfully, I'm not a fan of capitalism. As I sit here there is a poster in my line of sight that says, "We live in capitalism. Its power seems inescapable. So did the divine right of kings." - Ursula K. Le Guin

Do we need capitalism? Yes. Should it be the basis of our society? I'm not too sure about that. I am inclined to say no. Am I just a jaded gen x? Yes. Am I an expert on all of this? No. But it seems to me that if we relied a little less on capitalism and a little more on using less we'd all be better off.

Yes I am overly simplifying it I am sure. But why can't simplicity be the answer? 

Why can't simplicity be the answer?

1992

It is strange isn't it how the calendar keeps on going by? This picture was taken back in March while I got to sit next to my sister after not seeing her for a year. Now it's already nearing the end of August. 

I saw a tweet the other day that said 1981 is as far away from today as 1931 was in 1981...

How did that happen? How did my childhood become something so far off? We use to wear poodle skirts and have a sock hop... that would be like my gals having a NKOTB party while wearing florescent bike shorts with LA Gear high tops! So less iconic.

I was also thinking about how much has changed in my life since 2015. Seven years I've been saying, when I find the new normal then...

I guess stress and trauma after trauma is the new normal. Generally speaking I am happy. I miss my mom achingly. I miss my pre-mom's-death dad. I miss long slow summers. I miss traveling as a pack with my kids. I miss simplicity and less commitments. I miss ignorance. I miss not having to care.

But I don't miss plenty other things. I don't miss ignorance (I know, I know). I don't miss square boxes. I don't miss shallow friendships. I don't miss making myself smaller to fit in or not rock the boat.

Life is different. Thats ok. Maybe I'll throw a NKOTB party...without the bike shorts...

 

Radical

 Life has been being lived completely indoors lately. It's hard, not going to lie. Our region is on fire and the smoke is suffocating. I heard this morning they were burning part of Lassen Volcanic National Park to try to save it. That sentence just hurts my heart. 2016 found us at Lassen a few times, it was part of my healing after mom's death and all that 2016 brought. 

The heaviness that this years climate changes have brought are numbing. We are here. I have always clung to the notion that you teach our children to love our outdoor spaces before they can become stewards and activists...obviously this model works, for some, but maybe we should have been taking a more radical approach! Maybe my teachers, instead of helping us form an environmental club and doing beach clean ups should have been teaching us about the loss of Hetch Hatchy and the UNSUSTAINABLE harnessing of the Colorado! Maybe they should have taught us about infrastructure and the building of homes in the western part of our country at unsustainable levels! Maybe we should have had true indigenous teachings in school so that we would have learned early to listen to our elders about their knowledge of land stewardship and wild fires!

Do I blame my teachers? No. I had some radical teachers for the time and place. My 7th grade science teacher did help us form that environmental club. She was radicle in many ways. I had another science teacher, Mr. Jacobs my senior year of HS who took us through the eastern Sierras and Death Valley creating awe inspiring nature experiences. He also pulled us over just outside of Lone Pine CA, to what looked like an abandoned town with a derelict building. It was. It was Manzanar. And we sat there as he told us what had happened there. And that it was wrong. That was 1997, it was the first time I had heard of Japanese Internment camps. But I digress.

Is this our new August weather? The season of hiding inside just so that I can breathe a little? I don't know the answers. I don't know what we should do. For today I am turning off the news. My heart hurts for so many around the world. So many women. So many trees. So many.

Read THIS today and yes.

* Donnor Lake last night at sunset after we had to break out of the house from cabin fever.

Today

This morning I pulled out my garlic. I love how it fills the air with it's pungent smell. My harvest was not as robust as I had hoped. I planted more cloves than what I pulled. So either some didn't grow, or I will find they grow next year. Who knew garlic could be a late bloomer!

In past years if you read a post around this time there would be kids holding sparklers, maybe a firework shot, and definitely a parade picture or twelve. We spent nearly every 4th in my mom's small town from when Riley was in my belly until he was 14. Now? Well I would totally be ok skipping the day. Mom's keep somethings going for their kids and I tried the first couple of years but it's also ok for my kids to see that grief changes life.

So I pulled my garlic this morning, we will go to a neighbor's for bbq later, Dan will take the kids to see fireworks if they want to, and another 4th will pass.

I read THIS essay this morning. I listened to THIS song. And I am finishing THIS book today. 

 

Sheet-pan Dinner Heatwave Bust.

We are descending into the dreaded Western US heatwave that has been making the news after a short reprieve from our high 90's in June weather...that is to say its been HOT and it will continue to be HOT!

Before it got crazy hot Fern and I became sheet-pan dinner junkies. It started with the NYTimes Cooking recipe for sheet-pan Bibimbap. We love Bibimbap and any excuse to eat kimchi so that was a hit and is still in fairly heavy rotation. Then Samin Nosrat (she's amazing!!!) on the Home Cooking podcast mentioned oven roasted frozen veggies (episode 1) and then it got crazy over here. We were literally making large amounts of brown rice in the instant pot that would last several days and then roasting whatever veggies we had on hand or had picked up between classes, appointments, and work plus a protein. We then threw different condiments and/or fermented veggies on top (there is a joke that 1/3 of our fridge space is taken up with this menagerie...). This was happening for every dinner!

But now this Great Western Heatwave...my inability to run the AC very low, and the oven.

I think the next step is to figure out sheet-pan dinners on the bbq...

 

Yesterday was my big planting day. I often do it in the late evening when it has cooled off but I had so many seedlings I knew I would never get it done in an evening. So after another trip to the vet Fern and I dug in, literally! 

By three pm we were melting but only about half way through...like I said I had a lot of seedlings! So we stopped for the night and showered our very dirty and sore bodies. We had some little people over for the evening so that was it for yesterday. 

So now here I sit on my back patio, in the shade, knowing I need to get back at it. But oh man am I sore! Hopefully we get the rest in (minus a few that are just not quite ready to go out). I am so glad for Fern's help. She has great ideas and is a great companion to work with.

Hopefully next post I'll share a picture of all the seedlings in, looking small and neat, before a mid to late summer photo of the jungle it turns into! 

*Instead of all my seedlings living in the kitchen and caring them in and out every day I put my cold frame on the ground and filled it! Then I only had to open and close it everyday, and when the frost warning happened I only had to throw a couple blankets over it.

Here is Zinnia out exploring inside the cold frame early one morning.

 

Hello May 28th 2021!

Leili took this picture of the front yard Hawthorne tree in bloom. I like the angle and that the blossoms are not in focus. You can see the main part of the tree behind these up-close blooms too. 

I know I know, a blog post? Those have been sparse these last years. The kids have grown, four kids is more than a handful (one I have not gracefully managed most of the time), social media in the form of instagram took off (pictures and words is kind of what I did here), I became less self assured (that whole growing up bit), and the grief I've waded through the last 5 years and 8 months left me in a fog and a shadow of myself. 

So why tonight? Well for one I bought myself a new computer! My last one was 10 years old and a desktop which lived in the kitchen (great for homework and kids not great for a cohesive thought string). This new one is a laptop so I can hide in my office/sewing room or in a dark corner in a comfy chair (the current place). Second, it was just Fern and I tonight so we got our favorite Indian takeout (Thali) and we watched Julia and Julia. We did a Julia Childs unit (seriously so amazingly fun) but this movie was a little old for Leili so we waited until she was busy (first sleepover since the pandemic, no worries its outside in the backyard, no tent even). Julie and Julia and its 2000's technology is when I first started this blog. Writing it all in html (not sure I could remember how to do that anymore) and uploading cute pictures of my three small children so friends and family out of state could see them. Third I've actually been thinking about this space and really instagram is not my favorite, but I like the connection and the journal of sorts.

So I'm not sure what will end up here. I've changed, my life has changed, my kids are all so tall (Fern is still the petite one), and I'm busy. Maybe some herbal things will show up, maybe some nature, art maybe even? I'll keep the breastfeeding side of my life to a minimum, and homeschooling. I might share some of my writing.  Maybe some food/nutrition/recipe will appear. Or maybe nothing at all

I am currently cutting out inflammatory foods to see if I can get my ever upset digestion to smooth out. And because what I want more than anything is to not develop Alzheimers. I will gladly give up a lot to avoid that. 

So hello May 28th 2021 (how is it already nearly June?)!