diary of a mad white woman with only 2 hours of sleep!!

I am SO tired I couldn't even read a simple manual for my ovulation predictor monitor. ahhhhh!! My doctor told me to get these type of tests to be SURE of when I ovulate so I can start my prometrium ASAP! So I first bought the sticks and it was SO annoying trying to read those lines, so I decided to get the VERY expensive monitor-cuz I can reuse it and WHO knows how long it will even take us! I also like that it says low, high and peak. I find myself getting SO stressed out EVERYDAY that goes by and those strips dont say anything new. I get SO worried that I will have to go BACK to the doctor and get back on medroxyprogesterone. I had NO problems before both of the miscarriages and now I have them left and right!! Because of both of the genetic conditions I have, I have to be on medicines ALL THE TIME and CONSTANTLY do tests everyday that I cant think of ANYTHING else during the day except baby stuff or if something is wrong with me! So even if we waited it would STILL drive me crazy months later....waiting and watching EVERYDAY! WHY oh WHY do I SERIOUSLY have to go threw this! It is NOTHING but torture....seriously! Not to mention not fair. It was SO easy to get pregnant both those other times....we werent really planning it or expecting it. But now that I have these conditions I HAVE to plan or the baby wont LIVE past 5 1/2 weeks...its literally impossible!
To make me feel worse....I have called my biological family and NONE of them have signs or symptoms of these disorders. BOTH sides have kids with ease. There is not ONE person in my family on either side that is having problems....even genetic ones. So WHY me??!!! SERIOUSLY!! So now that we REALLY are trying for a baby it is taking FOREVER!!! Well it feels like it anyways, everyday that ticks by with nothing!! Even in my sleep I am not safe. All I dream about are babies, seeing them, feeding them, holding them, their hair color, their smile, kissing them, their dimples....EVERYTHING! I have been even stocking up on baby stuff. To help us when we do have a baby and when I get sad I HAVE to give myself hope. Something to look forward to. When I talk about whats going on with people and how I feel I cry. I cry in frustration, fear that God is punishing me, fear that I wont EVER have a healthy baby and the pain of losing two babies. Its been almost 3 months since I lost the last baby and I still cry. I force myself not to cry because I am SO worried that if I do it will cause ALL my anxiety and the pain that comes with it, to come back. I have NO idea how to get my mind, heart and BODY back to where it was before I lost them. I want to move on and be hopeful for the next but it REALLY feels impossible. I am trying to focus on other things and put my heart and mind into other things but my body isnt following. I am getting nervous. Another day gone and NO good news. Signs that my body STILL isnt getting on track. WHAT do I have to do to catch a break????!!!!!! All I want is a family..........