Dear Walter

My dear little son,

You are about to turn 2 years old next month. And it has taken me that long to come back to this blog to finish up and to say goodbye to it.

My journey to motherhood was longer than I thought it would be, way back when I started this blog. And it was harder than I thought it ever could be. But along the way, there were mercies large and small. Love and support from friends and family, kindness from some doctors and nurses, and many, many times when God simply picked me up carried me through because there was no way I could go on alone.

Although it was a hard path it was a worthwhile one. And not only because we got you in the end, but because God knows what his children need. Through that hard and rocky path I was tested and refined. God shaved off bad bits and added new and though I am still a broken and imperfect person I am a better one.

Now for the sometimes harder path of parenting, on which I will need all God's grace to me as I try to be grace-full to you.

Love,
Mama.

Failed Cycle

Our first IVF cycle failed.

I'm sorry I haven't posted earlier for those of you who have been following our IVF journey. It took me two weeks to come out of a fog of sadness and hurt, and another few weeks to process things and get to a point where I could post.

Those first two weeks after the negative home pregnancy tests, and the sad phone call to the clinic to notify them, were some of the hardest of my life. I felt completely let down by God, alone, wounded and helpless. I wondered if sometimes God does give people more than they can bear. I didn't want to pray. I didn't want to read my Bible. I cried multiple times each day. Heaven looked so much better than carrying on living*.

But, after many days I prayed. It was a tiny one-liner of a prayer asking God for mercy to carry on. It was all I could get out.

And it was answered. The next day I woke up feeling stronger and more able to carry this burden that God has given me. It's still a burden. It's still painful. But he gave me the strength to bear it.

And I think those two things are the great lessons I've learned this past month:

Life here on earth is hard. Sometimes it's terribly, terribly hard. Which does serve to focus our attention on Heaven, and long to be there. I don't think that's why God gives us suffering. But it is one very good thing than can come out of it.

And the other lesson: I really can only carry on with God's constant help. I can't do this on my own. Even with MB's wonderful help and support and love. God sustains us, comforts us and loves us. Even when we're angry with him. And all it takes is for us to reach out to him to be reminded of that.


*Although Heaven looked so good in comparison to life, I never contemplated taking my life. Just in case you think that I meant more than I wrote.

Infertility Study

I've been asked to post about a project called the Philadelphia Fertility Project, in the hope that women  who read 'Dear Walter' will click on the link and help with the study by completing a short survey.

Here is a brief description of the project which I was given:
Philadelphia Fertility Project

The purpose of this survey is to learn about the social, mental, and emotional experiences of women with fertility problems. It will take about 10 minutes to complete. Your participation is completely anonymous. Women who are between the ages of 18-45, not currently pregnant, and have difficulty conceiving naturally through unprotected intercourse and/or carrying a pregnancy to term are invited to participate in this study. 

In appreciation of your participation, two $100 donations have been made to the American Fertility Association and Resolve: The National Infertility Association by the research team to thank you for sharing your experiences and to benefit others who struggle with fertility problems. If you have any questions about this study, you may contact the Principal Investigator, Dr. Pamela Geller, Ph.D., or the research coordinator, Mona Elgohail, at 215-553-7121

Click on this anonymous survey link to participate:

http://tinyurl.com/PhillyFertility

Embryo Transfer Day

We had our embryo transfer day today. After a long trip across town to have my acupuncture appointment, I headed back to the clinic to meet MB.

The embryologist explained that we had two good embryos to put back in today, but that the other three didn't make it. Two stopped growing on day 4. One looked like it had stopped a little later, around day 4/5. Of the remaining two, one was grade AAAA and one was grade BBBC. I can't remember exactly what the four categories were, but was was to do with the cluster of cells that becomes the baby, and the other the outer ring of cells that will form the placenta. For the BBBC, it was the placenta cells that got the grade C.

Both are now resting safely in my belly and we're overjoyed that we made it this far.

The nurse warned us that these two weeks before we do the pregnancy test will be the longer two weeks of of lives. While it's true I'm impatient to take the test and hope it will be positive, I'm also treasuring each day that I get to be a mama and don't want to take a test only to find out that the pregnancy has failed.

We're spending this week on holiday, but having a stay-cation after the clinic advised me not to fly or to go swimming! So we're staying put and exploring our home town - visiting places we haven't been yet in the two and half years we've lived here, and re-visiting old favourites.

5 Embryos

We got a call from the clinic yesterday to say that we five good embryos, and so would push on to day 5 (tomorrow) for the transfer.

In many ways I'm overjoyed. Five! Good! Embryos! Another small triumph in this IVF cycle. We've reached a new stage and discovered that MB and I can make a baby.

In other ways, we're scared. We never expected to parent five children in this life. It's a large number. Were we foolish to follow the doctor's advice and go for five? Should we have stuck to our guns and only fertilised two? In hindsight we probably should have. But hindsight is 20/20.

If we had gone with two eggs to be fertilised, we would have had the same good outcome on day 3 - two good embryos. The clinic only pushes on to day 5 blastocyst stage if you have four of more embryos on day 3, so we would have had to do a day 3 transfer, and would have opted to put both back in. We may have become pregnant with twins, placing them and me at a higher risk than a singleton pregnancy. Who know what may have happened.

If we have more than two embryos on day 5 (which seems possible given we've bucked the statistics so far), then we will have to freeze some embryos, and will have the chance to have a singleton pregnancy. There are pro's and con's for both decisions, and good and bad outcomes. With IVF it does feel a little like we can't win - it's such an ethical minefield.

I do enjoy teasing MB though about being a papa to 5 children. So there's always a silver lining.

Egg Collection & Fertilisation

We had the egg collection yesterday. It was very painful, but I was sedated and don't really remember much of it now. And they got 14 eggs!! 14. God is generous and good.

We went in wanting to fertilise only 2 of those 14. We're young, my eggs should be good quality, MB's sperm are ok. We were optimistic. And then the doctor and embryologist sat us down and explained that usually 50-60% of eggs that are fertilised make it to day three, and then about 50% of them make it to day five. For us, those statistics meant 0.5 of an egg would make it if we fertilised 2. So the likelihood was that we would end up with none. Or, if we were very very lucky, 1.

They said the lowest number they would recommend to get 1 or 2 embryos on day 5 would be 5 eggs fertilised. We had half an hour to make our decision. We talked it over, just MB and me, and then MB and me and the doctor, and then MB and me and the embryologist.

We went with 5.

We are still processing that decision and hoping it was the right one. We'll see over the coming days.

In some ways I like we should have stuck to our guns, said 2 to be fertilised,  and simply trusted in God to look after those 2.

In other ways we feel that we've made a sensible choice, based on facts we didn't have until yesterday.

I've got the call this morning (day one) from the lab and all 5 have fertilised. So now we wait for two days to find out how many have made it to day three.

Small Triumphs

Our egg retrieval/collection is tomorrow, and it looks like we have 4 good follicles.

I skyped my best friend, O, today. She works in foetal medicine, is wise and Godly beyond her years, and always gives me the good counsel, compassion and comfort I need. A real gem.

As MB and I decide whether to fertilise one or two eggs, it was great to talk through the decision with O, and to hear more about risks of carrying and raising twins.

I was telling O about my great desire to get to the embryo transfer stage - that if I could only make it to there, I would feel like this cycle has been a success, regardless of whether or not there was a baby at the end of 9 months. I would be at the same starting point as all the other 'normal' women having 'normal' pregnancies. It would feel like a 'win'.

She pointed out that I would be doing me (and God) a disservice if I ignored the many small triumphs we may experience in this IVF cycle by focusing all the way ahead on Step 7 (successful implantation), instead of on just the next step I have in front of me.

O said I had already experienced success as my ovaries responded to the stimulation (Step 1) and gave me 4 goof follicles (Step 2). Winner! This cycle has already had 2 small triumphs, which I should be grateful to God for. Such a good reminder that while I am so not in control of this process, we have a God who loves us and is in complete control. He has already blessed us by getting us this far.

The next step (number 3) is to successfully extract one or two good eggs from those follicles. That's all we need for the next step, and would show that not only do my ovaries respond, but they have responded by doing exactly what we need and providing good eggs.

Step 4 is a successful fertilisation.
Step 5: Having one or two embryos to implant on day 3 of our IVF.
Step 6: Transferring them back in successfully.
Step 7: Implantation.

But I shouldn't get ahead of myself and define success as only Step 7. Even if we only make it to Step 4 before things go awry, we have learnt so much about how I respond to treatment and what my body can do. It will be a great start for a new cycle. God is good. And he's in the small things, the little triumphs, as well as in the big ones. I need to remember that.