Baby Vaughn #5

Friday May 4, 2012 another ultrasound was done. It was a good one too. We saw our cute little baby.. it looked more like a baby then an alien this time.
Still wasn't wanting to open its legs to show us what it is.. but finally did.. Was so Happy it did :-D
The baby brought it's hand up to the side of the face.. Randy said it was talking on the phone.. It yawned a few times.. got it on the DVD too. Boys thought it looked weird yawning.

The baby is kicking harder that it can be felt on the outside. I kept saying it would be felt on the outside by my Birthday
Sure enough you could. Actually a wk before my bday you could.

The boys are excited about a new baby.. Elizabeth still to little to understand what's going on, but if you tell her to give the baby a kiss, she'll kiss my belly.

Expanding Family

I know I wrote about this before, but I can't find it anywhere. So I guess I'll do it again.

Since Elizabeth turned 1 in June, Randy & I talked about having another baby. We wanted to have the baby close in age to Elizabeth.

Anthony & Sean 14months apart. Sean & Riley 4yrs apart. Riley & Elizabeth are 5 1/2yrs apart.

August 11, 2011 I was in a lot of pain & was bleeding really heavy. I had been bleeding heavy for 2days. The pain came that morning. Aug 12 went to my Drs & my suspicion was confirmed, I was having a miscarriage. (My blog titled Aug 12, 2011 talks about this)
I was hurting, but knew that God had a different plan for His special child.

Nov was my yearly check up & my Dr noticed my uterus was slightly enlarged, so he ordered an ultrasound just to make sure things are ok. The following Fri Nov 11, was my ultrasound. Mon my Dr called me. He told me there was nothing inside the uterus but I had some cysts & my uterus was tilted. He then said it was tilted that having another baby would be slim would probably take awhile. My thoughts "Oh ok took awhile to get Elizabeth." My feelings disappointed.

Between Oct & Dec 2011 I knew 3people who were having little girls, so I went through all my girl clothes & divided it into 4, the 3 & me. Shortly after my niece was born in Dec I just kept saying to myself "Just give it all away. You're not gonna.need it. & give all boy clothes away too." (I had saved 3bins of boy clothes from birth to 3yrs). I said something to Randy he said "are you sure?" I was like "Yup it's not gonna happen. Might as well make room for other things." Well I didn't do anything with the clothes.
Shortly after that I watched my new niece while my sister-in-law went back to work. Seeing how Elizabeth was with the baby & the boys & of coarse Randy, it got me thinking "We do need to bring a new baby into this word." So I asked Randy "You wanna do this again? Have another?" He said yes (little did we know 1 was growing inside me)
The next wk I was so tired & started to feel sick. I was thinking my stomach issues were flairing up again (had been since Sep) That following Tue while Randy & I were at dinner I was talking to him about how I was feeling. He said "Maybe you're pregnant." You know I was a wk late so good chance I was.

Wednesday January 25, 2012 We found out I was indeed pregnant. I just loved the look on Randy's face when he saw it was positive. Made me even more happier.
I did the calculations & the due date was around my Mom's Birthday August 30, 2012. Oh that made me so happy.
A dream I had while pregnant with Elizabeth, I dreamt I had a baby on her Birthday. Went to the Dr that Fri. He was even excited for us.
We waited til after my Feb appt to tell people. A few were excited/happy for us & a few others were like "Oh really? Wow." I think those weren't to sure what to think. But then I did get a few who were kinda negative "I thought you were done?" "Now you're done after this right?" "I thought 1of you 2 were fixed. You're gonna get fixed after this 1right?"
But you know what.. they all don't matter. What matters is how Randy & I feel & our boys (EJ to little to understand) I'm excited & a little scared/nervous. Randy is excited. The boys are excited. Anthony is already rubbing my belly & kissing it (even though the baby isn't that high yet but would rather him rub & kiss there then where the actually baby is at)
It's sad that people questioned Randy's feelings. Almost like they didn't believe me he was Happy. I just say "You had to be there to see his reaction to know he was Happy." But then I started to feel like he wasn't happy/excited like I was, but then I tell myself "remember the look on his face?" Then the feelings go away.

We talked & we were gonna find out what we were having but not say anything til the baby was born. Well a few family (both sides) didn't like that idea. So I guess we'll tell family.

My ultrasound was March 30, 2012 18wks. After the appt had a few text wondering what it was. Well the baby didn't show us so we have No idea what it is. This coming Mon I'll find out if I'll get another ultrasound. The didn't see all 4chambers of.the heart so more them likely I'll have another 1 done.

So I am 21wks along. I had bad morning sickness, just like with Elizabeth. Right now have pains my ligaments, thighs, hips, lower back & every now & then feel contractions which I was told was normal.
The babies movements are harder & more noticeable then before. I can't wait for Randy & the boys to be able to.feel the movements & what Elizabeth's reaction will be towards mommy's tummy moving.

Anyways it's late so I'm going to go. I was half way through this when my web crashed & phone froze so I had to go back & write what didn't get saved. I knew if I didn't now I'd forget.

Oh yeah.. Randy says it's a Boy, Anthony says Girl, Sean says Girl, Riley says Boy, I'd like another girl but I think it'll be a Boy

Here It Is 4am

Here it is 4am & I'm sitting in bed still awake..
Trust me I've tried going to sleep but I sit here cuz of acid reflex & a heavy heart..
I feel so lost I don't know what to do..
I've prayed to God yet times he doesn't answer right away so I sit here waiting to be comforted
My heart is in pain & don't like it.

So much is going on I don't know what to do.

Maybe I shouldn't have stopped my counseling/therapy yet really I felt we weren't going anywhere since most of the things were on my end to apply to my life. I know I'm working on it..
I went & got on depression medicine.. I'm not "giving in" & doing things I don't really wanna do or have time to do.. Most things I'm not letting get to me & bring me down (example things people have said/done in the past especially those past 2008)
I'm still working on a lot but I know it's not a "BAM" instant fix
I'm still very insecure & self-conscious about my looks & how others see me but who wouldn't being 300+lbs

I do know that inside I am beautiful person but It's hard when I look at my outside & I see what I see a very gross big bloob.

It's just tonight.. how can I believe what people say when I see what I saw??

Our Mini Vacation

Since Randy's been working out in Elko, We haven't seen much of him. It has been hard on me.. Harder then I thought & harder then I'm leading on. I didn't want people to see me as weak.
He's been out there.. tomorrow (Mon) will be the start of the 5th week. There has been only 1 wkend I haven't seen him. Last weekend I had a getaway & met him in Wendover. Oh it was so much Fun.. so relaxing much needed vacation.

The kids.. well mostly Anthony.. had been asking me when they could go out to see Dad.
They were going off track soon so I mentioned to them that I'd talk to Dad & maybe when they went off track we would go out there.
Well their off track day was approaching (this past Thur) yet Randy informed me they'd be working all wkend so we probably shouldn't come out. Then Fri he heard they'd be off all wkend so we made a last min plan to meet up in Wendover. So the kids & I hurried & packed & hit the road @7:30 Fri night.. got out there about 9:00.

It was Elizabeth's 1st time leaving Utah & the boys 1st time in Nevada (they've been to Wyoming a few times). They were so excited. Riley kept asking, what a typically 6yr old would ask "Are we there yet?" As soon as the glow of Wendover came into site, I told them that is where we are going so watch the lights get closer. Then when we were approaching the "Million Dollar Tree" (for those that don't know it's a concrete tree out in the middle of no where) I knew it was about 20more min. I pointed it out to them told them what I got told about it.. It was hard to see since it was after 8:30pm but they saw the outline of it. (On our way home it was light out so they saw it better)
Then their excitement grew bigger.. the glow got brighter as the lights got closer. They kept on asking questions "How are we going to know if we are in Nevada?" "Is there a sidewalk where you can walk in both States?" & a bunch more. We approached the border & I pointed out the sign.. after we passed it they got so excited.. so cute.

We existed I80 & picked Randy up from the truck stop. The boys were so amazed with all the lights on the casinos. I told them mom & dad stayed at all these that they see (stayed at all but the red garter) & told them to look for the Rainbow cuz that was the 1 we stayed at last wkend. They found it then we picked up Dad since he was across the street from it at the truck stop.
I was so happy to see him & so was Elizabeth. I didn't see her but Randy said she got all excited BIG smile on her face & she wanted out of her seat.
From the truck stop we drove down the main road to where we were going to stay. They were all amazed again at all the lights. Then they asked if we would know when we would be back into Utah (where we were staying was on Utah's side) We told them they would.. pointed it out to them where.. & every time after that they would count down when we left either state.

Oh it was so much fun.
I've seen the park out there off of the main street but we never stopped, was no need to. It was a big fun park.. mixed with new up to date equipment & the old stuff Randy & I grew up on. They had more fun on the older stuff then the new.
It's been awhile since I've had as much fun with the family.as I did this wkend. We have done things & had fun but usually I was Watching... watching Randy & the boys play watching Elizabeth. But this wkend I actually joined in on the fun. Yes was sad times they wanted Dad but it was OK cuz it had been awhile since I had Fun with them like Randy does. But I showed them Mom can be fun too.
I took pictures but I'm still trying to figure out how to get pictures uploaded from my phone. So they'll be on Facebook.
For sure Elizabeth is a Daddy's Girl.. she kept on wanting Randy over me.. Randy & I took turns following her around & playing with the boys. When I was following her & she noticed Daddy wasn't near her, she'd go find him.

On our way home we stopped at the rest stop just a few miles from the border. We viewed the saltflats went & walked & wrote in the sand/salt. They enjoyed it even Elizabeth did.

It was a fun wkend despite me waking up Sun sick & the voicemail about the new rental house.
I can't wait for more Fun wkends.. ones where I join in on the fun & not just watch from the sidelines. :-D

Well it's late & I'm exhausted so I'm off to bed.
I'm gonna attempt to post pictures *cross fingers*

T.T.F.N
~Emily~

SWEET

OK so I've been trying for like FOREVER to get the mobile blogger to work..
OK not forever but since I started this blog since my only way to write this is with my phone

ANYWAYS
So I followed the instructions on the web on how to get it to work.. but No Such Luck :-( So I just gave up & said it's not that hard to write going to the web on my phone.

Well last night I reset my phone back to factory settings.
My phone had been acting up for almost 3maybe 4months & when Randy did it, it fixed his so I figured why not try it.
Well in doing that I lost all my apps had to go to the market to get them back (I wrote down the ones I really liked & wanted back)
While searching I ran across an app for Blogger.. now why didn't I think about checking the market for an app for Blogger Duh o_O

So now I got the app So maybe now I can do more writing & MAYBE even add some pictures to my blog :-D (I have been able to since I was using my phone for some reason)

Well I gotta go EJ is crying NAP Time it is

T.T.F.N
~Emily~

Should I Stop?

I started this to express my feelings.. put down how I feel instead of holding it in holding back my feelings.. Yes I guess I could've done this as a private, my eyes only But I wanted those who care to know & maybe understand what I'm going through. Most have been written during the time of the pain.. I'm starting to rethink all this.. Yes I feel it's helping me.. but what about those I write about.. how am I making them feel?? Yes I'm writing about how I feel, Times in the moment I'm feeling the pain anger or whatever it is I'm feeling. I just don't want to hurt anyone.. it's not my intention to hurt anyone I just want those who care, Love & support me & who wanna help me get better Know what is going on inside instead of me having to repeat myself each time. There is more I could write here but I Think I'll end I'm going to do a lot of thinking.. Should I continue this blog or at least stop expressing how I feel in it.. I don't know... here I am lost on what to so.. If you have input you're Welcome to give me it either here or text or fb message T.T.F.N.

Not Sure What To Title This

Saturday night I had started writing but got extremely tired & couldn't finish.. yet today so much is going on.. to I start where I left off or skip over & do what I feel today?? Well I'll start where I ended, it'd be better. August 30 as some know, is my mom's birthday. This yr it's the 4th birthday since she's been gone. Also, this yr to me has felt different from yrs past. I'm not sure if it's just me being crazy/silly or if my family has changed. My family decided a few yrs back that for August since it was all adult birthdays we'd only get together 1time & Mom's birthday was when we all picked. It was either on her birthday or the Sat/Sun before. After Mom died that didn't change, including this yr but what did change, instead of meeting up at Mom & Dad's house, we met up at Mom's grave then went to the park next to the cemetery for a picnic & family fun. Well this yr when I got the phone call the plans were being discussed it didn't include going to Spanish Fork when I asked why I just got I don't know no one has said anything. Really to ppl have to say "Hey lets go to.Spanish Fork" come on.. So I gave my input as to where I'd want it.. I picked a park over my house cuz it was between my house or my 2other sisters (so 3places) I figured it'd be easier to go to the park 1. no one had to worry about hosting the family at their house & 2. the park would give the kids more to do. But like always with everything with both mine & Randy's family My voice wasn't heard or No one thought it was a good idea. Well after the final plan was told to me something inside was just bugging me, wasn't exactly sure what it was until Wed or Thur last wk. It was the fact that the family was not going to Spanish Fork. So I said to Randy Me you & the kids are going down either Sat or Sun before the bbq.. we figures Sat would be better. So Sat August 27 when Randy got home from work Us & the kids got into the van & headed to Spanish Fork. It was almost instantly when we got there my anxiety/stress went away. I went & put the flowers we had gotten on her grave. I took some pictures of the kids. Then the boys started wondering looking at the other graves, seeing if there is any new ones there since we were.there last. At 1point no one was around Elizabeth & I were the only ones at the grave. It was quiet & peaceful & a cool breeze & the breeze was blowing some chimes. Awww perfect moment to think to reflect & just to talk to Mom. It was so nice. Boys & randy came back & the boys were ready to head over to the park. Oh that was so much fun :-) I didn't do much running around, just watched them all.. I Love watching Randy play with his boys running around playing tag. I married a great guy Wonderful father He loves his kids. I feel like I'm a lucky girl.. the situation I was in younger, the man who fathered my first born stuck around & is still around.. I loved watching them & taking pictures, but then it was time to go. The next day was the BBQ at my sister's. It turned out to be 1 of those Sundays so we ended up not going. I was feeling pretty good about Mom's birthday comeing up. We had already went to her grave, I talked to her felt at peace. But then something happened the night before. It pretty much shattered my heart. I was at a lost.. I started to have anxiety panic attacks. I couldn't sleep & when I would get calmed relaxed enough Elizabeth would wake up.. so I was up til 5am but then had to get up by 7:30 to get boys up & to school by 8. Wow it was crazy. All that day of her birthday I was wishing she was here. I needed the comfort she always gave me. I also was wishing if she was here I wouldn't be acting the way I am (depressed/distant) & what had happened wouldn't have happened cuz I wouldn't have pushed them away like I feel I have & I didn't & don't mean to. Which now brings us to today. My heart was not crushed, it was shattered. My heart had been crushed about 2months ago & I feel like I was putting it back together the best I could. The person involved helped a little, yet I felt they were still acting/treating me different felt they weren't truly sorry or at least I didn't feel they were cuz things they said to me was very hurtful. They did something that hurt me yet some how turned it around & made me feel it was my fault & I deserved it or had it coming. So since I was already feeling crushed & moving on from it on my own & that same person doing what they just did went beyond crushing my heart.. it's shattered it. It's harder to put shattered pieces back together especially on my own. As of right now I feel I'm on my own. Yes this person said "sorry" Yet it was in a text.. come on really?? In the past when I said "Sorry" to you how'd I do it? I did it many ways for days to follow.. I said it in person in text in a letter & in my actions.. ok I understand we are "wired" differently yet in your words "Actions speak louder then words" yet right now It's Your words I'm wanting cuz your actions isn't saying much. I'm tired of my heart hurting I'm tired of it. All I want is to feel loved & be held. I'm hurting really really bad inside.