Rainbows

Well, I've got a years worth of posting to do :)
Have I gotten on my soapbox about "rainbow" babies? I always hated that term, but this puts it so well. When that baby is born alive, the storm is not over!!! There is not some magical healing or transformation that takes place. For me, it reopened all my grief and everything Gunner did I wondered if Tyler would have done that, looked like that or smelled the same. I was convinced that he was going to die (PTSD anyone?)
Gunner has been a tremendous joy in our lives and having him forced me to keep move forward. My life stopped for over a year when Tyler died, but having Gunner forced me to start living again. That's what a "rainbow" does- it's immense beauty in brightness in the midst of a dark and scary time. And that brightness is now running through the house naked, covered in bubbles and trying to shoot his brothers. See? Forcing me to keep moving forward, can't stay here long

Poem

I don't blog here often enough. I have so much I want to say but it takes so much to get to that place, I find myself just pushing it away. With his 4th birthday coming up, the funk is settling in and I've been looking through notes I've saved for the blog posts I never get around to. Anyway, I found this poem and it's a good one


We cannot care for you the way we wanted, or cradle you or listen to your cry;
but separated as we are by silence, our love will not die.

We cannot watch you growing into childhood, and find a new uniqueness every day;
but special as you would have been among us, forever you still will stay.

So through the mess of anger, grief and tiredness, through tensions which are not yet reconciled,
we give to God the worship of our sorrow and you, our dear child.

Lord, in your arms which cradle all creation we rest and place our baby beyond death
believing that she now, alive in heaven, breathes with your own breath.

By John Bell

3 years

I can't believe it's been 3 years! On one hand it seems like yesterday, and on the other hand, it feels like another lifetime. (I think I say that every year, but it is so true!) I guess it kind of was another lifetime, I have changed in so many ways since that day. I never imagined this day would come - where I would be ok again. I still miss him every day but it's not crippling like it was for so long. I am so very thankful to God because I know I will hold him again someday and we will be together forever. I can't wait to hold him in my arms.

I knew I hadn't blogged in a long time, but I didn't realize there were only a couple of posts last year! There is so much on my mind, but it's so hard to take the time to just stop and reflect sometimes. It takes a lot of energy to sit down and get it all out, and frankly I just haven't had it in me.

One song I want to add to my playlist is Kenny Chesney's "Who You'd Be Today". I often wonder what it would be like if he was here. If he would look like me like Ranger and Danner do or if he would look like Mark like Gunner does. I wonder if he'd be quiet and calm (ha!) or a rootin' tootin' stinker like his brothers. We talk a lot about how crazy it would be if we still had Tyler and Gunner! I truly believe that losing him saved my soul. I have learned a lot about trusting and seeking God, but I wish it wouldn't have taken the loss of a child to do that.

Another song whose lyrics touch me is Faith Hill's "Everywhere I Am There You'll Be":

In my dreams I'll always see you soar above the sky,

In my heart there'll always be a place for you for all my life

I'll keep a part of you with me

And everywhere I am there you'll be

Happy Birthday sweet boy, we miss you every day. Gunner even likes to look at your picture in the mornings!

Christmas

It's that time of year again. I don't know why Christmas is so emotional for me. Hanging his ornament on the tree is probably the most difficult moment of the year. I bought us all personalized ornaments this year and of course I got him one too.
Danner takes his star ornament off the tree, rubs it and talks about how much he wishes his brother was still here. It's heartbreaking but at the same time I am so happy that he remembers.
Even though it may seem that we've forgotten, we never have and we never will. We've just had to accept that this is our how our life is and keep on living it. Thank God for His peace and comfort that makes that possible.
Merry Christmas to all of you!


-- Posted from my iPhone

Good Thought

We have no right to ask when sorrow comes, "Why did this happen to me?" unless we ask the same question for every moment of happiness that comes our way. ~ Author unknown

This was too good not to share! I know I've been guilty of the "why me's" Why not me? I have so much I need to blog about, just can't find the time to sit down and go "there". With Tyler's birthday rapidly approaching I'm sure it won't be long before it all spills out!


-- Posted from my iPhone

Whoa

I got out the rest of the ornaments for our tree today and when I came across Tyler's, I had a total breakdown. He should be here, there should be more to him than just an ornament on the tree. I couldn't even hang it up - Ranger did it for me. I don't know where this came from, I usually don't think about it that way but it had hit me really hard this year that he's not here.


-- Posted from my iPhone

Abiding Hope Collage

Thanks Franchesca!! I love it! I have great plans for this, now I just need to figure out how to do it! haha Check her out at Abiding Hope Collages She makes these in memory of her sweet daughter Jenna Belle.

Hello again

I know it's been forever since I have blogged. I have so much I've wanted to say but just haven't had the time to sit down and go there. My Grandmommy's death has affected me a lot more that I expected. Just in that funky place of not being able to handle any crap. Anyway, I was in the Apple store getting my phone fixed today and the lady next to me was having problems with the pictures on her computer. I look up and see a picture that was obviously a dead baby. It caught me so off guard and I can't even put words to the feelings I had. She must have been a photographer b/c she was very nonchalant about it and it just didn't seem like it was hers. I wanted so much to talk to her and hear the story and tell her how precious those pictures would always be to the mom. But, of course, I didn't. I was already a mess and I knew I couldn't talk to her without crying but I really wish I could have. Just a really odd thing to be going about your day and encounter something like that.


-- Post From My iPhone

Article

I just read this on msn and thought I'd share
http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/32659135/ns/today-today_health/

Guilt/Anxiety

I had my tub.es tied 2 weeks ago and I feel so horrible for doing it. I don't regret it at all but there are so many of my friends who want babies so bad and aren't getting them. It's not fair. I'm somewhat embarrassed. It's one of those things that will jab someones hurting heart and I hate it. But I guess it's better than the jab would be if I got pg again and had a nervous breakdown over it! Then I found out that all this time I've only had 1 tube and the good one had endome.triosis and other stuff on it. All 4 of my kids were miracles (I already knew that in other ways). I don't think there's any way I should have gotten pg so easy. Why did I get 4 when all some people want is 1? know this probably doesn't make any sense but I had to get it off my chest. I guess I'm feeling something kind of like survivors guilt and an embarrassment of riches.
The reason I had it done can be summed up in 1 word- anxiety. I lived in constant fear of getting pg again and I just can't do it again. Anxiety seems to be my new friend these days whether it's over me, my kids, my husband or friends. I have 2 close irl friends and a bloggy friend that are pg and I am literally sick when I think about them and hoping that they are ok. Man, I need to get a grip! Life is wonderful don't get me wrong, this is just my place to let out all the deep dark stuff. Please check in on the happy side too www.shipmankids.blogspot.com


-- Post From My iPhone