The Power of Words

Hello, blogger friends!  The rumors of my demise have been greatly exaggerted.  I am still alive and kicking.  Lots happening in my world.  I've been in novel-editing hell, working like a fiend on my two jobs, and caring for my two special needs babies.  Despite the busy-ness of life, I'm happy and well. 

I realize now how my 7 month break has actually provided an opportunity for writing fodder.  Lots of juicy insights have come over the last several months, so I hope to find the time to put some of those in writing here.  What I really want to sort through today is this idea I've been tossing around about our words.  It seems cliche to talk about the power of our words, and yet this truth is so simple and... well, powerful.  I am a woman of many words.  I talk alot.  I talk so much that sometimes I can't remember what I said or who to whom I said it.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, but it does present a potential pit, particularly when you want every word you speak to carry its own responsible weight. 

I'm learning that our words fall into two main camps-- labeling v. judging.  The labeling camp of words are used to describe, observe, and give shape to.  The judging camp of words are meant to attach a value-laden meaning to an observation or description.  For example, if my husband hasn't put away the laundry, the judging camp of words might say, "You never help me around here!  You are so lazy."  The labeling camp would say, "I notice the laundry basket is still sitting here.  Would you mind putting those away today?"  This may seem like no big deal to some of you, but to me this is Life.  Changing.

I am a judger from way back, Honey.  I should have been a tax auditor or an editor.  If there is anything wrong with you or something you've done, I can find it in a hot minute.  I also have the ability to turn these super-powered judging lenses inward on myself.  I can and will find the faults within me then make a slew of shame-inducing negative comments toward myself.  What I'm learning is to slow down and listen before speaking to others or judging myself.  What a concept!  I listen for how the other person seems to feel and what it is they seem to be saying about what they need.  This is particularly difficult to do if the other person is actually trying to place their own anger, sadness, guilt, etc. on me, but it can be done.  Another example, a co-worker huffs into my office and with a tone says, "your report is still not done, and I can't finish up my final report until you do your job."  My first reaction is to not really hear this person but to fire back with an equally angry-toned remark.  However, if I pause and try to connect with what the co-worker is feeling, hear what she needs, and choose not to take anything personal from her comment, I will hear that she sounds stressed.  It seems like she's also saying that having her work done on time is important to her.  If I just hear those things and respond from that, she and I are much more likely to have a pleasant ending to this conversation.

Some folks call this "non-violent communication."  I like that, because it highlights the fact that communicating any other way is likely to feel "violent."  There are some wonderful booklets and websites about this as well, describing this as giraffe v. jackal language.  The giraffe seeks to connect, while the jackal seeks to attack.  Here's an article that says it much better than I can:  http://www.thedutchphdcoach.com/process/learn-to-speak-giraffe/ .  I'll even go so far as to attach a value-laden label to the article and say it's awesome! 

I'm learning that when I am purposeful and thoughtful when choosing my words, I am left feeling clear-headed about myself and the situation.  Connecting, sorting through, and giving objective observations feels kind and gentle, both to myself and others.  All we really want is to build up others and ourselves, and it feels good to know that I can do the bulk of that work by carefully choosing my own words.  Now that is powerful.

The photo above can be found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=powerful+words#/art/The-power-of-words-260509218?_sid=299626b4

Detachment: A Pathway to Peace

Detach. What a beautiful, yummy, and yet terrifying word. Here is Webster's definition of detach: "To disconnect: separate: to extricate oneself or withdraw." Detachment is an action often prescribed to us in our 12 step groups or by our therapists or friends. It means to emotionally let go of a situation or the outcome of a situation. Often we need to detach from people, because our remaining connected is poisoning us in some way. Always we detach as an act of love and ultimate respect toward ourselves.

Detachment becomes necessary when my connection to a thing, a person, or a situation is threatening to my sanity, my peace, my integrity, my health, or body. There are people so incredibly toxic that to remain involved with them means constant chaos and pain. Sometimes we may need to detach from a person who we cannot fully exclude from our lives, because they are our child or our boss at work. This type of detachment is a mental and emotional releasing. It is arriving at an emotional place where our own stability no longer hinges on what the other person says or does. We come to a knowing within ourselves that regardless of how the other person behaves, we will not be moved. We will not be flustered, angered, or care more than they do about themselves or their personal affairs. We lovingly lay down the other person's personal responsiblities at their own feet and walk away. We separate our sacred self from the choices of another human being. We detach.

There are situations in our lives that are troublesome and painful, situations which we cannot change despite our best efforts at trying. I am prone to worrying excessively, turning a problem over and over in my mind for a solution. Eventually the time comes when I have to be assertive with myself! I have to tell myself to detach from this situation. It is my responsiblity, after I've done all I know to do, to go to my Higher Power and ask for help. It is good that I lean on my Higher Power in these situations that are larger than me. I pray the Serenity Prayer for courage, wisdom, and serenity and I detach. I extricate my mind from the worry place. I forbid myself from going there. I connect to the resources of my Higher Power and disconnect from believing a situation outside of me holds the power to care for me or keep me happy. Often I must detach several times in one day or perhaps several times in one hour. Nonetheless I detach as often as I need to until I feel my peace begin to return.

Today I am so thankful for the skill of DETACHMENT, and today it feels good. There are times when detachment does not bring immediate relief, particularly the first few instances we detach from a painful person or situation. Laying down responsiblity for things we cannot control can force us to take responsiblity for ourselves in a way we have not been doing. We become more aware of our own feelings, all of them, the good and the bad. Sometimes there is intense grief after we detach from a situation. This is good and signifies moving toward ourselves and a fuller awareness of how we feel and what we need to do for ourselves.

How detachment comes and how it happens is a mystery to me. We do it when we're ready. I love this passage from Melody Beattie's Codependents' Guide to the Twelve Steps: "Love and accept ourselves, as is, no matter what our present circumstances. The answer will come. The solution will come. But not from trying so hard. The answer will come from detachment" (pg. 26). We may do it when we're worn out from trying everything else! We may do it out of anger or frustration. We may do it with tears of grief or even tears of relief, but do it. Just do it. When you know you have lost your very self to someone else's mess or troubles beyond your control. Just detach.

Photo Above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=letting%20go&order=9&offset=0#/d18ook4

Out of the Shadow

I've been thinking a lot lately about our "Shadow Selves" and the human tendency to split off the parts of ourselves that we most dislike. I see this all the time with my clients-- not so much in myself, because those unlikeable parts of myself are separated away from consciousness! Carl Jung talked about our Shadow Selves, as the aspects of our personality that we don't want to claim. They are very much there and in daily operation. If we see someone else displaying a feature of our own Shadow Self, we may find ourselves feeling very angry or even disgusted with this person. A strong reaction like this has become my own first clue that I am encountering myself in these people.

I wrote several entries ago about one such Shadow Self, my Know-It-All side. A few weeks after sharing this Shadow Self with the whole world, I began to notice that I wasn't feeling so triggered by a certain person who displayed that trait himself. I realized that bringing my Know-It-All Self out of the shadows made me feel less disdain toward her/the Shadow Self. I shared in that post how the Know-It-All Self came to be and maybe this increased my compassion toward her as well as fellow Know-It-Alls I meet daily!

I often see parents, who encounter in their children, an aspect of their own Shadow Self. This is always difficult for me, because all people have intense reactions to people who display certain shadow traits we find reprehensible or repulsive. It's hard to watch a parent feeling this way toward their own child, yet I know the parent cannot help the way he/she feels. I once worked with a parent that had suffered horrific abuse as a child. She learned to suffer silently under the abuse, behaving as perfectly as possible in order to avoid further abuse. As a child, she learned to disown feelings labeled as "unacceptable" by her abuser-- primarily anger. She was not allowed to demonstrate any sense of outrage or injustice at what was being done to her or she was likely to experience even harsher physical punishment in return. This woman grew up to have a child with serious anger problems. It's probably no accident that the child learned to adopt this particular affect as his primary personality trait. Being an angry kid, however, left his mother feeling very threatened by him and made him unlikeable to her. This, in turn, also triggered her to adopt certain other aspects of her own abuser (i.e., becoming harsh, unjust, overly critical and controlling). This was a complex and unhealthy loop that the mother and child operated within and one that left me feeling very powerless in therapy.

I wasn't trying to zap the power of my Know-It-All shadow self by discussing it openly. That is exactly what seems to have happened, however, and hooray for me! I don't know if the parent I mentioned above would have been thrilled had I suggested she share with the internet world all the ugly aspects of her own angry Shadow Self. What I'm realizing though is that bringing that aspect of herself into consciousness is exactly what she needed-- as painful as it would be to do so. Maybe this could have been done through talking about the angry self, journaling, painting her, or acting it out. Some therapists might have used sandplay, psychodrama, or various other modalities. In our daily lives, we often do the same work without the guidance of a therapist. When we are writing, playing with our children, or creating in various forms, we are dipping our hands into the realm of our own subconscious minds and drawing out forgotten people from those dark places. It is in the birthing of these Shadow People and incorporating them into our conscious selves that we become whole.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?qh=§ion=&q=out+of+the+shadow#/d614by

The Ultimate Peace Treaty

I ran across the most wonderful verse and promise about a week ago. Just reading it and marinating in it has been sweet to me: "'no weapon forged against you will prevail, and you will refute every tongue that accuses you. This is the heritage of the servants of the Lord, and this is their vindication from me,' declares the Lord."(Isaiah 54:17)In fact, this entire chapter makes me smile. The prophet Isaiah is delivering a message to the people directly from God, and God really has some good news for them! These people had been struggling and striving in their relationship with the Lord for generations. Finally, after all this turmoil, God is ready for some peace and says, "Though the mountains be shaken and the hills removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed."

I've had struggles with people and that's no fun, but I've had struggles with God and that is REALLY no fun. It brings me great comfort to just receive the promise that He's not mad at me and, in fact, has signed a peace treaty for eternity! Regardless of what I do, where I go, what I say or feel, the peace treaty remains intact. This is the first promise of this text, but it doesn't stop there. God tells the people that, because of the peace covenant, he will not abandon them AND if they are attacked by any enemies it will not be His doing. He doesn't promise they won't be attacked, He just says the attack won't come from Him.

I believe God knew that many people would not exactly feel comfort from this particular promise. I mean, why not just keep me from being attacked by anybody, right? Can't you do that, God? He was prepared to answer me and the many people who think like me. God answers this with "See, it is I who created the blacksmith who fans the coal into flame and forges a weapon fit for its work. And it is I who have created the destroyer to work havoc." God creates the people, but He really has little control over them at that point. They're free to go do their own creating, whether for good or evil, it's their own choice.

Here's the really good part! Let the blacksmith forge his weapons and plan to use them on me. Go build your weapons, forge an entire arsenal of weapons to use on me! Guess what, they are ineffective against me. You can plan any attack you want, but the attacks of others do not prevail against me. HA HA! Furthermore, make your accusations against me. They get refuted, each and every one of them everytime. It's my heritage as a servant of the Lord. What a wonderful and comforting promise, and I am finding it to be true. As false accusations are made and attacks launched, I rest in the comfort that I have a peace treaty with God and He is my ally in all battles lifting up a supernatural shield that thwarts all intended harm.

It is very easy and natural for me to "get my back up" when people try to suggest something about me that isn't true. I struggle with having a little bit of an "attitude" and a quick temper. Before I've even had time to think about a situation, a sassy comment has already escaped my lips. Because of this tendancy to run my mouth, I've also had to become very adept at apologies. For a hothead like me, I am quieted by the promise from God that the ultimate peace, peace between me and Him, is already established, and any attacks or accusations from people will not prevail. So, chill. :-)

Photo above found at:
http://linsenschuss.deviantart.com/art/the-blacksmith-134322435

Reflection vs. Reaction

I will offer a little self-disclosure here. Actually, I think I offer quite a bit of self-disclosure here on these pages, but anyway... I want to share a recent insight I've had. I will change the names and circumstances to protect the privacy of dear others.

I am presently in a relationship with someone where I am experiencing much tension, and this has been ongoing for some time. I also get the sense that I am actually having more anxiety and anger in this relationship than the other person, who we'll call Mr. A. This man, Mr. A, really triggers me. In fact, I sometimes find myself so annoyed by him that I uncharacteristically snap on him, become rude, and have even gotten angry enough to stomp away. Essentially, I throw a little tantrum because I get so ticked off. Just to clarify, I don't typically act like this in relationships! I'm actually known by friends and family for remaining level-headed, avoiding confrontation, and very rarely exhibting anger (even when it is probably warranted). Something about Mr. A really gets my goat, however, and I have no problem getting angry... and quick. Afterward, I always feel guilty, embarrassed at my juvenile behavior, and even more angry at him that he MADE me act that way.

It would be really easy for me to type on and on about all the horrible things this person does and how my anger toward him is justified. I could rant and rave about the rightness of my frustration and how things would be much better if he would just change. What I'm finally understanding, after a significant amount of time with Mr. A, is that he is not real likely to change. What I am now motivated to do (after many months of tension and conflict) is to examine myself.

Mr. A does seem to irritate other people as well and we have mutual friends who have commented on this. None of them, however, seem to get triggered quite as intensely as I do. What I now want to try is REFLECTION rather than REACTION. I have gotten so angry with him at times that my reaction was quick and surprised me. Sometimes I've said something very scathing, scoffed loudly at him, and various other things that surprised me. Sudden reactions. What I would like to try is to stop myself before I get to this point and take a time out. I'm not sure how I'm going to get the time-out. Most likely I'll just say, "Excuse me for just a minute, I just remembered something important I need to take care of," or I might try, "Let me take a few minutes to think on that and I'll get back with you." If you hear me saying that to you this week... well, sorry. It's better than getting hostile and sarcastic, right?

Once I get space and step away, I want to REFLECT. My reflection is what I see when I look into the mirror. I will see me staring back at me! I don't actually intend to go look into a mirror, but maybe I can examine what I am seeing within me at that moment. What am I feeling? What does this feeling remind me of? What earlier times in my life did someone make me feel this way and what was the outcome? Are those past events somehow affecting my present interaction? Most likely, yes. My reaction is so intense, it suggests that a relationship template is being triggered. This is a template that got solidified within me over time after a repeated interaction with someone very close to me. For example, some of us learn at a young age that if you show anger in your home, you are shunned and shamed by a parent, so you learn to stop exhibiting signs of anger and feel shame instead. Later in life, when we encounter someone who wakes up the "shaming parent" template inside us, we automatically and unconsciously slip into the role of shamed child who denies anger. Then we wonder why we feel so crappy every time we're with that person!

I believe that if I REFLECT rather than REACT, I am going to learn some very valuable things about myself. I hope to gain some insight about what type of issue is being triggered. I also hope that I can begin to practice some new ways of dealing with Mr. A rather than the usual red-headed tyrrant routine I've been pulling. I'm not real happy with that act lately. I doubt he is either! Almost makes me feel sorry for the poor guy... just almost but not really. :-)

I'll keep you posted on what exciting traumas I dredge up within myself!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=snow%20white%20mirror&order=9&offset=24#/d1k9p6n

Keep Your Head Up

Some truths are so simple and so widely shared that they've just become trite. It's easy for me to tell someone in deep pain, "Keep your head up!" I'll be very honest, one supposedly "encouraging" phrase that I hate to have given to me during a difficult time is, "God never puts on us more than we can bear." Well, maybe I don't want to bear it! Maybe this time He messed up, because I can't do it! I've told the Lord before, "Really, God, maybe you think I can handle this and take on more, but I'm telling you I can't!" During especially difficult times, painful, heart-wrenching, and discouraging times... I don't want trite words of encouragement. What I want is rescue. I want to be taken out of this pain. I want the offender to stop offending or the hurt to be healed... and now please.

Nonetheless, it is not always in our best interest to be rescued or healed right away. Sometimes we pray for very sick friends and family only to watch them lose their battles and die. Sometimes we pray for answers or wisdom and hear nothing. Sometimes we do the right thing, make the right choices, and give all to someone who turns around and stabs us right in the back. Essentially, there are moments in our lives, when we must remain in the pain. There may be situations where there is just not an exit out of it right now. If you don't have a simple truth to turn to in those situations, you may not survive it.

This week I experienced a deep betrayal and have been very confused by it. I've prayed for this to end. I've prayed for some wisdom to overcome it and nothing is changing. In fact, it seems like each time I pray, the heat gets turned up and the situation gets worse. While praying this week, God put this verse on my heart, "I lift up my eyes to the hills-- where does my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth." This was my honest and angry reply, "I know that, God! I've prayed for help again and again and things only get worse! I don't want a cute and trite Bible verse! I want help!" And so it has continued for days-- the discouragement and anger.

This morning at church, our pastor spoke about being discouraged. He preached from Exodus about the children of Israel, who became beaten down after years of being held as slaves. When help finally did come for them, many of them were too discouraged to believe it or move toward the help. Because their heads were hanging low, they missed exits and opportunities. In the midst of this sermon, the pastor says, "Lift your eyes up to the hills! Where does your help come from? Your help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth! When you get discouraged, you miss the help when it finally comes!"

In the midst of my pain, my stubbornness in wanting only rescue led me to discouragement when it didn't come. What I do have is the promise of my Higher Power that help will come. It is the simplicity of this promise and its truth that will keep my eyes raised to the hills. I wanted to share this story here, because I know there are so many of you in a similar place. You don't have the answers you want right now. You don't have the help you need right now. What we do have, however, are truths-- pure and simple truths. Cling to those and know they will get you through. That's your simple encouragement for the day. It's all I've got, "Keep looking up."

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=keep%20your%20head%20up&order=9&offset=120#/d317lqh

The Dark Night of the Soul

The Dark Night of the Soul is a spiritual phrase that has been used to describe the darkest most desolate phase of a person's life. During this period of your spiritual journey, you will experience immense pain, the feeling of "going crazy," falling apart, depression, anger, terror, helplessness, and complete isolation from others. Everything you once believed yourself to be is found to be no longer true. Everything you once turned to for comfort is either no longer there or has been exposed as a sham. You may feel lost, having nothing stable to lean on, not even God, because your view of Him has been shattered too. There is often also the fear that this will never end, almost like being lost in a deep dark woods, never to be found or make your way out. This is the Dark Night, Honey.

Many spiritual icons have been said to have experienced this. There is Saint John of the Cross who wrote the beautiful poem "The Dark Night of the Soul." Mother Theresa was also said to have experienced a very dark period of years, where she felt disconnected from God. This is an experience that spans across religions and ethnicities, a very human experience. For some it may last for months and for others it may last years. Many people believe that Jesus Christ experienced his own Dark Night on the cross when he cried out, "Oh God, why have You forsaken me?"  Others believe his Dark Night may have been during his 40 days and 40 nights in the wilderness when he suffered intense temptations.

The process that is occurring during this Dark Night is like a spiritual reconstruction surgery. Every piece and aspect of your Self-- your thoughts, internal constructs, foundational beliefs, feelings, and the basis for why you exist-- all of this is taken and completely shattered. It hurts like hell. This is a gross oversimplification of the spiritual process taking place, but God is essentially re-building you from the ground up. You are being given no blueprint as to how this will turn out nor even do you have the wherewithal to understand that you will survive. All you can really do is continue to put one foot in front of the other and believe that God is doing a holy work in you and you will emerge from this dark forest. You WILL emerge from this dark forest. I love this excerpt from Saint John of the Cross's poem:

O guiding night!
O night more lovely than the dawn!
O night that has united
the Lover with his beloved,
transforming the beloved in her Lover.

In looking back, Saint John was able to recognize his darkest period as an awesome journey that took him into true union with God.

I struggle with knowing what to do for someone who is in their Dark Night. Really there is very little I can do. It is their own journey, one that has to be walked out with their own courage and requires their complete reliance on a God they can barely feel. In my experience with people in this period of their lives, and from my own very profound experience, people can be really nasty during this stage. A person in pain often lashes out, can be highly inappropriate, rude, and ineffective as a parent, friend, or employee. When you no longer have even the internal human construct of good manners to hold you back, you may say and do some horrible and shocking things. I understand the inner chaos a person is experiencing and know that these offensive behaviors are not personally intended toward me or anyone else. Nonetheless, they can really cut and I wonder how much I am expected to withstand! I am beginning to understand that along with the deep compassion I feel for a person walking through the Dark Night, I must also hold a firm line with someone who is flailing about during this stage. I don't shame or guilt-trip a person for their behavior but I also am not required to tolerate or turn a blind-eye if I see someone I love engaging in harmful activities during this stage.

I'd like to re-post the first poem I ever published here on my blog. I wrote this after emerging from my own Dark Night of the Soul and offer it as encouragement to anyone who may be walking through this difficult time:

Coming Out

When you are running--
a shadow of yourself running from
and to yourself
frightened by a ghost self
in brambles the ache scratches
your body when you try to escape--
when you are running.
Just stay on your feet.
Know the darkness in its fullest
reach into the deep of the black
pour the anointing of the pain over
your head.
Keep running.
This is not night that comes and
goes in cycles with day, this
is suffering. This is
your very self at
its cellular level expanding and
constricting in its own rhythm.
If you can hear me there,
know that light will come when
darkness inks away
a self will emerge cracked
still running. It
will be blinding just as
the darkness is blinding.
Behind your forest wall
steady follow this scent
thick with heavy evergreen.

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/?q=dark%20woods&order=9&offset=120#/d1x790t

Being Humam 101

It's been a little while since I've come here to blah onto the page. This is such an effective and useful coping tool for me, I should come here more often. I hope that I do. I've got lots of ideas, inspirations, and recent events floating around in my head that I could write, but I often give my own sweet self this advice, "First thing's first and one thing at a time." Ok, well, I kinda melded that statement based on good things I heard at various Alanon meetings. :-)

Let's talk about being human for a little while. Why is it I keep forgetting that I am a human being? I absolutely do this and work with families and children who do this. I do not want to just BE. I want to be DOING something. I want solutions and an action step to work on. Just tell me what to DO and I will fix anything. This is my hope, but not at all the way my Creator made me to function. I was created with these annoying things called feelings that seem to have no other function but interrupting my attempts at being a Super Hero. If I just wasn't feeling so overwhelmed I would be able to attend one more meeting and keep people happy. If I just wasn't feeling so angry, I could do your job for you again today and keep the peace. But, no, being human stops that every time.

Here is what I have learned about humanness-- If I try to push myself beyond my own reasonable capacity, it will always end in depression and anxiety. It might take a few months before I wind up there or even a few years for some people, but it never ends good. I cannot deny myself of basic human self-care for extended periods of time and think there are no consequences for that. By basic human self-care, I mean we take care of our bodies. We eat healthy, avoid excesses of all kinds, sleep, and get routine medical care. But I also, and especially, mean taking care of our feelings. Our creator gave us these beautiful, fragile, and indispensable feelings that are there for our own good. Although our feelings are not FACTS, they are ours, completely and utterly ours. It is not weak to have feelings nor is it weak to attend to them the same way I would attend to my body's needs.

I want to clarify that I don't mean I coddle my feelings. Caring for them means I first acknowledge that they are present! Feelings become loud and dangerous when routinely ignored. Then I listen to them and hear where they are coming from. Honestly, for me, that usually settles them down pretty quickly. Our feelings are our friends. Our feelings want to let us know when we are being taken advantage of. Our feelings want to let us know when there is a hurt that needs to just spill for a little while. Our feelings are there to act as friendly guides, especially the uncomfortable feelings like grief, anger, and loneliness.

When I ignore the friendly and helpful feelings of grief, anger, or loneliness, they evolve into the crazed and unhelpful feelings of depression and anxiety. How many times do I need to ignore my feelings and watch them turn into depression and anxiety before I finally get it? If I could count how many times I've done this in the past, it would have to add up into the thousands. I am HUMAN and it is good to have feelings and respect them. Today I will choose to honor even the uncomfortable feelings because I love myself. It may have take 30+ years, but I finally figured out how to derail some depression and anxiety!

Photo above found at:
http://browse.deviantart.com/photography/?q=being human&order=9&offset=24#/dt1ydn

Kids Gone Mad

I had a conversation with a colleague of mine this week, a psychiatrist who has been providing treatment to children for at least 35+ years. I was telling him about the difference of opinion I was having with some of my staff, regarding children who "act disrespectful" in sessions. I tend to believe that children should be able to come into therapy and feel free to say or do whatever they please during their 50-minute session. I have co-workers who do not allow tantrums or sass and are appalled that I allow that. It gets very frustrating sometimes. This doctor laughed at me and said, "We were debating that 30 years ago!"

So apparently this has been a source of conflict among psychotherapists for some time now. I don't think I can argue the other side with real conviction, but from what I understand, these therapists feel you are reinforcing negative behavior by allowing tantrums in session. For example, a child comes into therapy and begins to yell and curse about her Mom making her share a room with her little sister. There are some therapists who would say, "I know you're mad about this, but I don't allow that kind of language in here. It's not appropriate for a 12 year-old to curse like that. If you want to stay here, you need to calm down and stop yelling, so we can talk about this." One of my co-workers has explained to me that she is establishing "good boundaries" with this client and "I don't allow people to yell and curse like that at me, and this child is no different than anyone else." I can actually see the logic in this argument. It is perhaps teaching the child to get control of herself and emphasizing the importance of showing respect with adults. In this scenario, I would also say the therapist was calmly setting parameters for the therapy sessions.

Faced with a similar scenario, I tend to encourage the child's expression of this anger and may even repeat her words to show that I do not judge her anger. For example, after the child has made some loud "inappropriate" comments about Mom, I repeat it back to her with similar conviction, "You think that bitch is just favoring your brother again and you are very mad about it!" Often this diffuses children right away, because they're shocked to hear their therapist cursing. After several instances of this, however, the child becomes settled in knowing that their anger and tirades are not going to be shut down or judged, and they will express themselves freely. After several sessions of this, I've seen children gain a comfort in knowing that their anger is heard and respected in this room by this therapist, and the need to yell and curse about things tends to diminish. I think it's important to note that there has to be some realistic limits to what a child can do in treatment. These limitations should not feel restrictive and are there to keep the child safe and to protect property from being damaged.

I take this stance because I want children to bring all their ugly stuff into therapy. I want them to say the vile things for which other therapists might reprimand them. It's my opinion that giving a child this kind of freedom, allows them the space to bring everything that is inside to the outside. There we can look at it all without judgment, and children tend to sort it out for themselves. The fear of many therapists is that aggressive behavior acted out in therapy may transfer to the home or school environment. I will say that I have not had this happen. It seems that working freely through the anger in sessions actually decreases the need and desire to do it elsewhere. Often when children have been allowed to cut up drawing pictures of siblings or beat up dolls of Daddy, they have come back to me later and reported improved relationships with these people. Anyway, that's the debate!

I feel really passionate about allowing this sort of freedom of expression, because I see it work so well. I work with a 9 year-old girl who shares deeply painful memories of bullying and abandonment by Mom only after her puppet doll "beats me up" for about the first 10 minutes of therapy. I've seen another 10 year-old boy gain insight on his own about jealousy toward his sister, only after I allowed him to dump an entire bin of toys on my floor, toss them around for 40 minutes saying, "THIS is my anger!" With this child, all I had to do was stand by to ensure safety and validate as much as I could, "this is your anger! It's a lot! It's big and very messy!"

I have to say that, as a therapist, you must be really comfortable with your own anger to allow such expressions from other people. I've clipped some shrubs to pieces "working out my mads" and scrubbed some tubs to a sparkling shine while crying it out. I have to believe this has allowed me firsthand experience of physically kneading through emotions, letting them run through my body and my words until they are spent. Perhaps if a kind therapist had allowed and encouraged this from me years ago, I wouldn't have struggled with it as an adult. Nonetheless, my landscaping looks great these days! So, the debate "rages" on, so to speak, and I will continue to encourage my little people clients to come on in and let it on out.

Photo above found at:
http://nii-tan.deviantart.com/art/Tantrum-98119082?q=boost%3Apopular+tantrum&qo=56

Magical Thinking

I've started doing some extra work, some initial assessments and outpatient therapy with more children. I was a little apprehensive at first, but I am finding that this work is feeding me spiritually! Now I understand what Paul meant when he said "though outwardly we are wasting away, inwardly we are growing day by day." As always, God knows just what I need and when I need it. Let me tell you this great story about a little boy I saw the other day.

This child is 8 years old and has a history of abuse and neglect. In our second session, he and I are playing, and I am watching for themes to begin to emerge in his play. Being the analytical adult I am, I am watching for themes of aggression, control, or anger. I am watching for re-enactments of abuse scenarios and perhaps bringing his perpetrator into our play. He surprises me, however, and points out that a little monster doll sitting in the corner is another child at school who has been bullying him. I walk my little princess doll over to Woody, the character he has chosen to represent himself, and say, "Hey, go over there and tell him to go away!" This child looks me in the eye terrified and says, "No, you do it." I realize that this child is not looking to exercise control or aggression. He just wants to feel protected by the adults in his life, so I tell him, "No problem. Let me take care of this." I walk my princess doll over to that monster and give him a thrashing of the MOST epic of proportions. He gets beat, kicked, punched, and utterly destroyed. All the while my client is laughing and jumping with glee. His joy is infectious and I begin laughing too. I tell that little monster, "There, take that! And if you ever mess with my friend again, I'll come back and do the same thing again! Now get out of here!" We take that monster and hide him behind a stack of books. I can tell that the mother, who is looking on, doesn't know whether to laugh with us or be horrified.

That was last week, so I was excited to see my little friend again this week. I ask his Mom how things have been and she says she's seeing improvement. I ask my client about the bully and he smiles and says, "Oh, we're friends now." This is the power of a child's magical thinking and the magic of play! It is so refreshing to me, watching the innocence with which children mold their little worlds. They don't need to read a book about bullies or go to the seminar. They don't need to call a meeting or talk it out-- not that there is anything at all wrong with those methods of change. But those are adult methods.

I'm being reminded of the child's methods of change, which require immense faith. Children make magical connections where none seem to exist in the real world. Sometimes this is to their detriment, such as making the erroneous connection that Dad left the home because they (the child) were not smart enough or assuming they are being abused because they are bad children. I am being reminded through these precious little kids, sometimes feeling good is as simple as just believing it to exist. Sometimes feeling powerful is thrashing a stuffed doll or, in my case, defeating a sink full of dishes. Somewhere along the way, we lose some of the magic of thinking, and I'm so grateful to be reminded I can still pick that skill up when I need it. If I want to feel peaceful today, it starts with a little play. When the little girl inside me is laughing with delight, just like my client the other day, you know it's going to be a great day.

Photo above found at:
http://throwing-colors.deviantart.com/art/Monsters-99556578

When PTSD goes AWOL (PTSD, part 2)

I think the most common and troubling PTSD I tend to see is in teens and/or adults who have experienced trauma (often multiple traumas) and has gone untreated for many years. Over the years they have developed a set of behaviors aimed at relieving their anxiety, which often includes various addictions. I also see that what began as PTSD symptoms (see previous post for a listing) has morphed into a post-traumatic stress personality. There may be minimal PTSD symptoms remaining years after the trauma(s) have occurred and in their place is an anxiety-ridden, angry monster in denial!

This is not to say that everyone who has ever experienced PTSD has his or her personality altered. And I also want to clarify that technically speaking, there is no such thing as post traumatic stress personality. This is just the name I have come up with to describe this type of personality. Typically this is a person who experienced multiple traumas, interwoven/complex traumas, or trauma that occurred repeatedly over a significant period of time. These traumas typically occurred at a young age, probably before age 8, and no one (including the child or adult in question ) has linked these past traumas to present day feelings. Usually these clients will say, "Oh, that happened a long time ago. I'm over it." This client has received no direct support, validation, or treatment related to the traumas they have experienced. The client has likely presented for treatment around age 17 due to frequent assaults on peers and teachers, chronic tension with a caregiver, inability to form attachments, and drug use. Usually these kids have been diagnosed with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder or possibly even Conduct Disorder (a disturbing diagnosis equivalent to Antisocial Personality Disorder for kids).

It is very common that these children or adults continue to have much chaos and drama in their lives, often at their own doing. Although they may no longer experience some of the acute symptoms of PTSD, the child or adult may engage in daily fights or sexual behavior that staves off the symptoms. The fighting or sexual behavior (or various other "delinquent" behaviors) have become reinforcing in themselves. They work! They keep people at a distance or get the desired attention. They provide immediate relief and maintain a certain level of required chaos. In some cases I see children or adults who seem to repeatedly re-create the original traumas. It is believed that many people do this in the desperate attempt to make right the past trauma. For example, a child who witnessed years of domestic violence may choose a violent partner as an adolescent, believing "my love will change him, this time it will be different, and I will feel BETTER." I also see adults who were victims of physical abuse grow up and have children who are abusive toward them. They have again become the victim within their own home. Another example is the child who was sexually abused who is highly sexualized as an adolescent and highly promiscuous. Particularly with sexual abuse, a child can have their internal sexual thermostat set to "high," and thus be easily aroused or sexually activated. We call this "sexually reactive."

If the adolescent or adult has developed an addiction in an effort to relieve PTSD, then treatment first has to deal with the addiction. This is very common. It is only natural that if you are experiencing intense anxiety, difficulty with relationships, sleep problems, or persistent hostility, you would want relief! Certainly you will get some quick relief from a drink or a hit of mary jane. Perhaps the addiction is one more subtle such as food, video games, relationships, or work. The addiction and the consequences of the addiction become troublesome themselves, wreaking havoc in the life of the addict. It becomes very difficult to address PTSD with someone who is afraid you're trying to take away their drug. Often clients are not open to the possibility of PTSD when the "drug" is keeping them from experiencing any anxiety. It is more likely that behavior and problems related to the increasingly dangerous addiction is what will lead this client into treatment.

Detox can be a piece of cake compared to the hard work of unraveling a PTSD personality. It is essential, however, that the client is willing to do the work of unraveling the knots of their personality if they want to prevent relapse in their addiction. I believe so many people go through drug treatment again and again, returning each time because they have never resolved the core issues of why they NEED to use to begin with. It is also very common that as clients go through drug treatment and "get clean," that they begin to experience years of repressed anxiety, grief, or anger. I'm sure this is probably not very encouraging to anyone who may be considering drug treatment, but wait! If you are at a place where you want to find true sobriety and serenity, the work of cleaning the old toxins from your soul is what will do the trick. We do not have to have our lives forever ruled by past events. We do not have to continue to suffer or engage in behaviors that stave off the pain. We may only be human, but we are strong enough to endure the work. Humans were created to both be hurt and to heal.

Photo above found at:
http://speeddevil141992.deviantart.com/art/Cutting-67927067

Writing as Therapy

I recently had a comment from Glenda Beall, a fellow blogger at Netwest Writers ( netwestwriters.blogspot.com ). I love her blog and hang out there quite frequently just for the sense of writers' community I get there. Glenda pointed out to me how she too has felt writer's block during times of happiness. I mentioned this in an earlier post, and I couldn't agree more that writing is a form of therapy.

I do a writer's workshop once a week at Vanderbilt's Adolescent Psychiatric Hospital. This project is made available through Nashville's Youth Speaks organization. This pulls together my two greatest loves, psychology and creativity. I find that the troubled children there are highly creative, cooperative and open to the writing process. I enjoy them every week and find such inspiration in their courage to share honestly. Although I work with lots of great poets who also help facilitate this writing group, I believe I am acutely aware of the personal struggles of the adolescents there because of my experience in counseling this population for many years now. I enjoy them so much, and I am always thinking of both writing skills as well as tools that will help them cope with the many traumas and stresses they face in their young lives. I thought I might share some of those with my readers.

Processing an Emotion

One skill I teach the teens is how to take a feeling and squeeze every drop of sensation from it. I encourage them to describe in great detail the thoughts, body sensations, colors, and images associated with it. A common exercise we do is giving the emotion 5 senses. For example, if anger had a taste, what would it be? What color is anger, what would it feel like in your hands? Often we hold intense emotions in one side of the brain with no connection to positive neural pathways or even words! This exercise helps to make emotions more bearable and work them through.

Dealing with Obsessions

Another skill I teach the adolescents is how to "write out" an obsession. Often these children are plagued with anxieties or worries. I ask them to imagine that they have literally been eating whatever is the target of their obsessions or anxieties. If they ate this particular thing, what would we see running from the corners of their mouths? What would other people think or feel when seeing this? How did it feel to swallow? The kids love this exercise. One girl wrote, "There is no pain like mine. I have been eating your last words to me."

I believe our writing puts to words the pains that are often indescribable. I cannot tell you about the depth of my hurt, but I can describe the cold hand clenched around my throat, hoping to take my life. Bringing these feelings into being through image and sound puts them into a safe container. Writing about joy engages the same senses, but joy is not often a feeling that was forced into suppression, nor does it require safe placement. Joy is safe, and I'm more accustomed to writing about the forbidden. Joy, I feel it but am still learning to write it!

Picture above found at:
http://lavidamesorprende.deviantart.com/art/Writing-at-the-beach-8919736

Sweet Revenge

Sweet revenge often begins with a wonderful fantasy. Perhaps you will finally give someone a verbal thrashing of epic proportions. You have every clever and cutting word planned, a list of every offense ever committed by your enemy. All the world will be present and watch the offender burn in shame at your words. It will be wonderful. All the while, lost in the fantasy of revenge, you are not aware that your own mental well-being is deteriorating from the obsession and avoidance of proper self-care.

Revenge consists of the fantasy/planning phase and sometimes the acting out of the plan. For many people, the fantasy alone gives them a "rush" and relieves the hurting person of whatever caused the hurt to begin with (in their mind-- the recipient of the vengeful act). A person seeking revenge often feels jilted, rejected, used, embarrassed, betrayed, or shamed. This hurting places the source of those feelings on an individual, making themselves the victim and the other party the heartless perpetrator who must pay! In some instances, this someone may have truly done hurtful things to you-- a co-worker who spreads gossip about you, a friend who lies about going vacation so he doesn't have to help you move, etc. These events are all the more frustrating when this is not the first time they have happened. Perhaps you have been used and abused as a pattern in this particular relationship and you have finally reached your limit.

Before you finally hurl that brick through an ex-boyfriend's car window or accidentally "forget" to send your mother a wedding invitation, just stop for a deep breath. Now take another. Ok, you probably need one more. Now consider this-- for every moment you spend in revenge fantasies, plotting, and/or acting it out, you are victimizing yourself. YOU are making yourself another person's victim in your own mind and solidifying that with obsessions and fantasies. You are validating in your own mind the other party's responsibility for your pain and taking none of the responsibility toward yourself. If you really want to feel good again, if you really want to move on, then take responsibility for not allowing this person to hurt you this way again. Know that this is possible to do, because you are an adult who is in charge of your own life. If you are a child, you do not have a say in the abuse at the hand of adults. We are grown up now. We are no one's victim unless we remain in that mental state. The hour you spent planning someone's demise, could be an hour you spend taking a thorough inventory of how this will not happen to you again at the hands of the offender. In that hour you will acknowledge that you, too, have hurt others at times. You will realize how overwhelming it might be should someone decide to confront you with every stupid and thoughtless thing you've ever done, and then you will relax. You may even feel a brief glimmer of compassion for the person who hurt you. From this place we are able to see the hurts in others that motivate them to behave the way they do. Perhaps they are wounded humans just like us, trying the best they can to avoid pain. Continuing to maintain yourself in a victim stance long after the offense has occurred does nothing to make you whole again. We've heard it said that "revenge is a dish best served cold." I say "revenge, a second on the lips, forever on the hips." Just skip revenge.

Photo found here: http://negativenrg.deviantart.com/art/Angry-Cows-14174111

Anger Is a Lump of Coal

http://shaggyspad.deviantart.com/art/As-much-a-part-of-me-as-you-77207737


I believe there are two kinds of anger we experience. There is the pebble anger and the coal anger. The pebble anger is just that-- annoying little rocks that turn up in your day. Your husband didn't clean last night's dishes. Your child left her dirty clothes on the floor again. The traffic is ten times worse than usual and you are going to be late for work for the second day in a row. These are pebbles. They have no history attached to them. They are pure in the moment anger that is felt, is annoying and, in time, we get over it.

Then there is the lump of coal anger. This is anger that has hardened over time. It has settled deep in your gut and the molecules of it have changed and become more complex over time. This anger goes WAY back and it is much heavier than a pebble. You feel it with you all throughout your day. The other day a girlfriend told me she was having dreams about her rage. This is a perfect example of the weight of anger becoming so heavy and full, it begins to manifest in other areas of our lives. This anger that has become so full it can no longer be ignored.

I believe that, although coal has its good purposes, we would all prefer a nice shiny diamond. Here is where my coal analogy gets a bit more complicated. That anger became heavy coal under the pressure of years and suppression. That anger was pushed into a deep recess of subconsciousness for life-saving reasons. We do not consciously choose what gets repressed and what doesn't! If your mind has suppressed anger, then it did so with the loving intention of saving you-- and perhaps the moments when this happened were precious life-saving moments. Over time that repressed pebble grew under the mounting pressure of day-to-day. Other pebbles and layers of living piled on top of the anger until it grew and grew. Once that anger solidifies into hard coal, there are only two options.

Option one is that the hard coal remains hard coal. This seems to be what most of us do because... well, it's the easier option! This anger coal is a great source of energy and we draw from it to clean, create, cuss people out when needed, and generally work ourselves into the ground. When we do this, the energy drawn from that coal is the best you will ever get from it. The coal anger will remain as a heavy lump in your spirit providing an eternal source of rage and heat. And, rest assured, that lump of coal will grow heavier over the years so that your rage will always have a source of energy from which to draw.

The second option is to provide pressure to that lump of coal and wait patiently for your diamond. When you honor that anger by examining it and feeling it, the anger begins to transform very slowly. Look deep into that lump of coal and when you think you know where it came from, look deeper. Go deeper and deeper and deeper into that anger until you go to its very center, its very origin. This process can take moments or days or months. Be patient. This may mean that for a significant period you are a very angry person. That's ok. Keep going deeper. For some people, you may trace that anger all the way to its very core and find the father that abandoned you when you were only 4. Keep going and you may find in the center is the mother whose addiction destroyed your family.

When you get to the core of your lump of coal, you will know. It will sear through you and what you believed to be anger, you will find is really immense grief or shame. Whatever is there in the center of that giant lump of anger, hold it. Let the pain of it come, the pressure of it mount. This will not kill you. There is no scientific evidence to show that anyone ever died from feelings, though my clients argue this point with me often. You will grieve. You will cry. You will know yourself at a deeper level and then an amazing thing happens. One morning you will wake up and feel lighter. You will sense something missing from your very core, a large weight lifted. You will reach down inside yourself for that heavy coal you have carried for years and find-- it is gone. There, in its place, hanging about your neck in a spot of prominence-- a new brilliant diamond, sparkling and glorious in the morning light.

PMS

Let me preface this article by asking all my male readers to bear with me here. I absolutely believe this read will be well worth your time and encourage you to continue despite the title! I will, however, give you the upfront warning that I disclose a small bit of personal information in this article so please stop here if you feel this is too much for you to hear. Ok, let us commence this exciting topic...

I have been reading a new book, Women Who Run with the Wolves by Dr. Clarissa Pinkola Estes. For those of you who know me, you are probably shocked that I have never read this book before, but it is true, I have not. I'll be honest, at times it feels a little hokey to me, and sometimes I have to go back and re-read something and re-analyze, process. The stories from the book are grounded in Eastern philosophies, archetypal tales, and Native American religion. Being a recovering Baptist, I am very wary of this and I think that is part of what is slowing me down. I have tons of rigid dogmatic remnants from my Baptist years-- no offense to any of you wonderful Baptist people out there (including much of my own family). I am fully grounded, however, in Jesus Christ. He has just done too much for me and proven Himself a Higher Power in my life. For me, Jesus is not relegated to just another wise prophet or a man with some helpful stories to guide me through the day. No, for me, He is the one and only true Son of God, no less. All other spiritual teaching that comes through my mind has to first go through this and what remains after the filtration can be kept. So, the reading of this book has been a bit arduous as there is so much to filter.

Anyway, I'm getting sidetracked. The connection between our personal psychology and our personal spirituality is so delicately intertwined in this complicated webbing, that I want to closely examine my psychology because of how it affects my spirituality. One of the wonderful things I have taken away from this book is her discussion about menstrual cycles. She points out that the veil between the unconscious and the conscious mind thins while a woman is menstruating. During this part of her cycle, all those unconscious feelings and beliefs bob closely to the surface of the conscious mind. This can be overwhelming and a very emotional time for us ladies. I really find this to be true and have sensed this happening with me for awhile now.

I was particularly aware of this process this month as I am just coming off my period. Experiencing those emotional 7-10 days was much different for me this month, much more bearable. I found myself with a new reverence for my own sadness and anger this month. Those feelings are not just random by-products of hormone explosions in my body. They are true parts of my very own subconscious mind. They are real and valuable, most importantly, these feelings are not random-- they are meaningful. So, this month I let them come rather than try to fight or suppress as I would normally do. I connected them to their true sources as best as possible. I listened to my anger which quickly dissolved into an intense sadness and fragility. I cried a lot this past week and it felt good. I grieved a lot and it really hurt and it really felt good.

My "PMS" was actually productive for a change. Now that I have experienced this, it makes me angry that I have been denied this wonderful experience of my own monthly cycle for years. I have been told by my culture to shut up, get over it, take a pill, you just have PMS. When in reality I am having my very own valid and honest emotions that MUST be felt and heard, not shushed. It is no wonder to me now that women in the Western culture report more intense premenstrual symptoms than most any other culture in the world. We are shamed for a part of our cycle that we cannot stop and that in reality is a monthly gift rather than "the curse."

I have to believe that as I experience this once a month emotional cleansing that a lot of junk is going to be tossed out from my piled up unconscious mind. The hope is that, in time, these feelings may become less intense, as I allow myself this cyclical gift. I believe it is possible we Western women can begin to experience our menstrual cycles more similarly to women of Eastern cultures. This is exciting to me. As painful as some of the emotions were that I have had to feel this past week, it is no less painful than the harmful repercussions I face from my own behavior when I act out these invalid and repressed feelings. Hooray for me and hooray for my period! :-)

Addiction: A Train Ride to Nowhere

What is addiction? How exactly do people get addicted? How can they get un-addicted? Can they ever really be free from addictions? Good morning and welcome to my mind at 8am. I work with people everyday with various addictions and am fascinated with a horror-stricken fascination with addictions.

A common feature I am beginning to see emerge is the self-induced trance of an addict. This trance seems to come on once the craving for the addictive substance or activity reaches a threshold. This threshold can be different for each person dependent upon his/her stage of addiction. Once the craving reaches a threshold, the person seems to go into a trance-like state where the only goal in life is achieving the high. Once you have entered this state it is very difficult to come out of it until the trance runs its course and the individual "uses." This self-induced trance can last for days while the person fantasizes about the substance and creates plan for attaining the substance/activity of choice. While in this trance, I have seen mothers neglect and abandon children, individuals place their lives at risk, maxing out credit cards, losing sleep and interest in essential everyday activities.

Most interventions seem to focus on strategies that would prevent one from entering this phase of intense craving and plans to fulfill the craving. What I am wondering is this-- is it possible for someone to come out of the trance without using and what would this require? Someone under hypnosis would be brought out of the hypnotic state with a word or sound initiated by the hypnotist. Could we do a similar thing for ourselves? Can someone else do this for us? I certainly believe this is possible-- that there are things we can do to bring us back to the here and now, getting us off the track of addiction that leads nowhere.

In fact, that is exactly what addictions and addictive behavior is like-- a train ride to nowhere. Imagine you enjoy the feel of riding a train, yet the only train available is one that drives straight into hell and drops you off. Nonetheless, your enjoyment of the train ride is intense enough to compel you into countless rides on the train to hell. After numerous trips on this train, you know once the ride ends, you will be sweating it out in the blasting inferno of post-trip exultation. The train ride, as wonderful as it is, seems to only last an hour or so (if you're lucky), but the work required to get yourself out of hell afterwards can sometimes take days or weeks. After many repetitions of the ride-then suffer cycle, you may even begin to say to yourself, "Why am I getting on this train again? I know it's only going to leave me in the middle of nowhere!" Yet, because of the trance-like state, you enter like sheep led to the slaughter.

Now imagine you are mid-train ride and begin to realize the absurdity of the situation. What I hope and am beginning to believe, is we can stand up from our seats and make our way to the conductor. We can insist that this train to be stopped so that we can get off, and the initiating force that snaps us out of the trance is our own pain. The pain of knowing where this addiction is going to lead you is intense enough to break the spell and propel you from your cushy seat on the train. The pain of knowing you are going to hell and may one day never return is just as intense, if not more intense, than the craving that put you on this train to begin with. That is why it works, a necessary evil of nature I suppose. Pain is our friend and some of us need it in order to recover. So, here is my hope for the day-- we do not have to suffer on this crazy cycle any longer. The way I can help someone today is to allow their own pain to do its work. Realizing I cannot stop your train is the very action that gets me out of my own seat today, "Conductor, I need you to stop here. I'll not be going all the way this time."