21Sep/25

I just feel lost…

Humor

Some of the reasons I feel lost..
Wednesday July 20, 2016 my life was forever changed. Losing my son has completely changed my life and it will never be the same. People tell me it’s time to move on. But it’s not that easy. Sometimes are harder than others especially when it’s close to the day he left us. This year was harder than ever for some reason.


Five years ago I moved back to PA where I grew up. I felt like I needed to be home again, hoping to reconnect with my family and friends. But I really don’t see many of them and when I do I feel like I don’t fit in. Most of them are married, and have kids and grands all near by. My youngest daughter lives in VT and 2 of my grands live there too. And her other son lives in MD. My oldest daughter lives close to DC and my son’s two kids live in MD and I rarely see them. Especially my only granddaughter who I haven’t seen in almost two years. I only had one sibling and she passed away in 2014. I miss her so much. She had 2 daughters, my nieces who I was excited to spend more time with, but I rarely see them. I’ve lived in my house for 4 years and they’ve never come to visit.

Honestly, I’m not trying to feel sorry for myself, I’m just trying to explain why I am feeling the way I am so you can understand. I so miss my house in MD. I loved my house and it was always filled with family and friends. But I couldn’t live there anymore after losing my son. And I’ve lost so many friends and family members lately and that doesn’t help. I remember my mom feeling so sad that she was losing so many and now I understand how she felt. I just feel lost and I don’t know how to fix that. And please don’t feel sorry for me, I just needed to put it out there so you can understand and I can hopefully move forward.

Thank you for your understanding.

Renee, The Hellion

24Feb/22
reading on the beach

Living Alone…

Aging, Life

for the first time ever…

reading on the beach

alone..

It’s definitely been a rough couple of years since losing my son. I knew I couldn’t continue to live in the house where he died but what was next, where would I go? I needed a fresh start.. I needed something new and different. My youngest daughter convinced me to move to Vermont and live with her and my 3 grandsons. And so I did.

I loved being there, loved Vermont and spending time with family. But I also longed to be back in Maryland with my oldest daughter, friends and my son’s 2 children. Maryland was also closer to my remaining family in Pennsylvania. So I moved back to Maryland. I lived with a good friend for about a year, trying to decide where to go next. Her house sold and I needed to make a decision. I’d been looking for awhile and tossing around the idea of moving back home to Pennsylvania, the place where I grew up and raised my kids. A good friend in York, PA reached out when they learned I was thinking about it and said I could move in with them until I found something. And so I moved back home during the pandemic.

I had trouble finding a place to live, everything was gone by the time I even went to see it.  A few things fell through and the next thing I knew a year had passed and I was still staying at my friend’s house. I was really starting to get depressed and wondering if I was truly meant to be back in PA. And then one day out of the blue another friend who owns some properties reached out and said one of them just became available and would I be interested in seeing it. Of course I said yes! And when I saw it, I fell in love with it and  knew this was where I was supposed to be.

“It is during our darkest moments that we must focus to see the light” – Aristotle

I moved in the following month and have been here for 5 months now. I couldn’t be happier. My little place, my home. All mine. Just me. And then a few weeks after I moved in and finally got settled, I was thinking how strange it felt to be here day in, day out with no one else here. It was then I realized I had never done this before. Living alone. I’m 72 and have never in my life lived alone until now. I always, even after my kids were grown, had at least one or all 3 of my kids living with me. One would move out and another would move back in. Two moved out and one was still there. I loved having one or more of them there with me. Even more so when they were adults and I didn’t have to take care of them. We took care of each other. Do I miss them? While I love my place and the serenity of being alone, and doing what I want, when I want.  The answer is, yes I definitely miss them sometimes.

I am so happy I have gotten to reconnect with a lot of family that I hadn’t seen in years. My only surviving aunt and lots of cousins and friends from school. Being back home has given me this wonderful opportunity, but the disadvantage to that has made me miss my mother and sister even more(if that could even happen). They both passed in 2014. Living in Maryland always made me feel like they were still here in PA. I drive by Mom’s house and I want to go in and see her. I remember her telling me how hard it was living alone after my Dad passed. I didn’t get it, now I do! Living alone is definitely different, especially if you’ve never done it before. But I’m doing it!

Note: I haven’t written in almost 2 years. I just didn’t feel like it due to all the unstableness in my life. But now seems like a good time to start again with being in a quiet house and having time on my hands. I’ll be writing about a lot of things that have crossed my mind these past few years. Hope you enjoy reading my posts again!

“The way to get started is to quit talking and begin doing.” – Walt Disney

08Apr/20
beach

When You Have To Stay Inside….forever!

Life, ,

and it really does feel like it’s been forever…

beach

my happy place…where I want to be right now..

So I’ve been self isolating for over 3 weeks now. I honestly can say I enjoy time alone…time to read and relax and just be! I have had enough going out, partying, working three jobs at a time, etc. to last me a lifetime, so yeah, I enjoy my alone time. I like to read, binge watch old movies and TV shows….but, that was before we were told we couldn’t go out!

I’ve never been very good at listening to someone when they told me I “couldn’t” do something. Even my parents… To me, when someone said you can’t do that, I took it as a challenge and somehow found a way to do it. It didn’t always end well. but I did it!

But this is different, this is life threatening. Maybe some of the chances I took years ago were as well, but now at 70, I tend to look at things a little differently. When we are young, we don’t listen to the reasons why we shouldn’t do something. We think..It can’t hurt, just this once! Everything will be fine. That was then, this is now. I look at these kids on beaches and say, “what is wrong with them? Why don’t they listen and do what they are told?” And then I think, what would I do if I were their age? When we are young and have our whole life in front of us, we think we are invincible. Nothing’s going to happen. Why not? Just this one time…

“Hope is being able to see that there is light despite all the darkness.” ~ Desmond Tutu

I think back on my life and remember several incidents when someone told me I shouldn’t do something, go out with someone or go somewhere that wasn’t safe. Their words fell on deaf ears( which isn’t really funny now since I am almost deaf) and I did it anyway. I did it because I found a way to do it and that was all that mattered.

Not this time! I am in and staying in, except for walks in the neighborhood where I hardly ever pass another human. I have 20 more years left to enjoy on this earth, maybe 30 if I’m lucky. I don’t want to take the chances I did when I was young and foolish. Chances that could end up costing me my life or a sickness that would last for a long time. I don’t want to go through that or have my kids have to deal with it and watch me go through it. I just don’t!

And so I stay in and don’t take chances. I read, binge watch old TV shows(which by the way are better than the ones on now). I run on the treadmill every day and walk. I check in on family and friends to make sure they are doing ok through this. And I write, this is the first blog post I have done in over a year. A lot has happened in that year and maybe I will write about it at some point. I’ve been wanting to start again and just kept putting it off. I figured now was as good a time as any to start!

I hope you are all doing well and doing things you enjoy without having to leave your house. I’ve told you what I’m doing, so tell me what are you doing?

“Everything has it’s wonders, even darkness and silence, and I learn, whatever state I may be in, therein to be content” ~ Helen Keller

12Mar/19
My Beautiful Mother

Missing Mom…

Aging, Life, ,

it’s been 4 years this week since she’s been gone…

My Beautiful Mother

My Beautiful Mother

This week marked the 4 year anniversary of my mother’s passing and it brought up so many thoughts and memories I didn’t even realize I had. We like to think we are so different from our mothers…but are we?

My Mom has been on my mind a lot lately for a variety of reasons. One of which is that I recently came across a letter she wrote to me right after our moving to Maryland from Pennsylvania. And reading it made me cry. But it also made me understand some things a little better.

In the letter she expressed her concern for us being so far away and that she wouldn’t get to see me as often and we wouldn’t be able to go shopping together like we did when I lived in the same city as her. She told me that some day I would know how she felt and that she hoped we would still be as close as we had been before the move. Now, I only moved about an hour and a half away, so it wasn’t like I moved across the country to California or to New England like my youngest did, but she was concerned it would change our lives and our closeness. And she wanted me to know she missed me.

“Mothers are like glue. Even when you can’t see them, they’re still holding the family together.” ~ Susan Gayle

I went up there once a week and we still did our dinners and went shopping. We also did every holiday with her and Dad. They had wonderful get togethers at Christmas and picnics on Memorial Day, 4th of July and Labor Day where the whole family would be at their house to celebrate. These celebrations were so important to Mom and she made them very special for everyone. I really loved spending time with my parents and the rest of the family but sometimes I just didn’t feel like going. Maybe because it was expected that I be there and maybe I just wanted to stay at the beach longer with my friends and not come back early to be at the family gathering.

And so one year I did just that, I stayed at the beach and called to say I wouldn’t be getting back for this get together. Mom was quite upset that I wasn’t coming home but I stood my ground. I didn’t go, I had fun at the beach with my friends. That Tuesday after Labor Day I got a call at work that my father had a massive coronary and died. I have never forgiven myself for not going to the Labor Day family gathering that year. The last one we ever had.

We all make choices that don’t work out or we feel were a mistake at the time. And this is one I regret. Not only that my father died and I missed seeing him one last time, but how much I had let my mother down by not coming home. Our parents are only here for part of our lives. Some people get to have them longer than others. But the point is, they won’t be here forever so if they ask something of us, maybe we should do that thing for them. And if you are lucky enough to still have yours, spend time with them as often as you can and tell them you love them.

I also had to call my mother every night at 11pm. Every night without fail. She would call me if I didn’t and I would be in big trouble. It was just something we did. She did it with her mother and we had to do it too. I had moved out of our home so I didn’t see her anymore on a daily basis. And I would be somewhere and think OMG, it’s 11:00 I have to call Mom. I get it now…why she wanted me to call. I was 15, 3 months shy of 16 and I was a kid. She missed me and she wanted to be part of my daily life. I didn’t get that then. It was just another thing I “had” to do!

All of these things I ‘had’ to do…and I would do them all now in a heartbeat if I could. But I can’t.  I still love to shop and go with my daughters and grand kids. But I would give anything to go shopping with Mom. I do blame her quite frequently for my shopping habits. It’s all her fault that I buy the things I do. At least that is what I tell myself.

Love you and miss you Mom! Talk to you later…

“The heart of a mother is a deep abyss at the bottom of which you will always find forgiveness.” ~ Honore de Balzac

17Jan/19

What I Want This Year…

Aging, Life, ,

my word for this year is Serenity…

Calm, quiet and serene…

My word for 2019 is “serenity”… to me it means calm, quiet and peaceful, and when I googled it…it said, “noun..the state of being calm, peaceful, and serene.” I need to feel this. I need to feel peaceful.  I have been feeling anxious quite a bit lately and that is so not like me. I usually do not dwell on things or let the small things bother me. My motto has always been to not worry about things that “could” happen. But now I seem to worry about everything and anything.

I over think and dwell on the “what ifs.” I have never been that person before so I don’t know how to deal with this. I was always the person who told others when they would be worried about something…”when you are 90 and sitting in your rocker on the porch, will this even matter”.. I think that is a good barometer for testing whether it is truly something you should worry about or leave it go. But evidently I don’t listen to myself anymore. At least not the self that gives me good advice.

Worrying has never solved one single problem. I know that to be a fact, my brain knows it, my heart knows it…so why can’t I stop? I’ve thought about this for quite a while and told myself, this isn’t you, why are you doing this? What changed to make you be like this? The simple answer and the only one I can come up with…my son died. If that can happen…anything can happen.

“Serenity is not freedom from the storm, but peace amid the storm.” ~ Unknown

I’m not sure if my son’s untimely death is totally to blame, but it surely plays a part in my new way of looking at life. I never expected to lose a child, much less to suicide, so if this can happen…anything can happen. Bad things “can” happen. Any time, to anyone!

That makes me anxious! That makes me worry. I worry about my daughters, I worry about my grandchildren, I worry about my friends. If I text someone and they dont text back, I immediately think something bad has happened to them….they must be lying in a ditch by the side of the road somewhere. I know this is crazy and I know my family and friends think I’m crazy but I cant help it. I care…I worry!

My house is a constant source of worry also. Having been built in 1892 there is always something going wrong, something to worry about. My son could fix everything and did. Now I have to find someone to fix things. I have over time found people and there have been many good friends that have helped with this. But it is still a constant source of worry. And one I need to figure out.  It’s easy to find people to fix “things”…I wish I could find someone to fix me!

”Serenity is knowing that your worst shot is still pretty good.” ~ Johnny Miller

So dear family and friends, if I annoy you with my questions and worry please forgive me. I care about you. I don’t want to lose you. My hope is that 2019 will bring me what I need. I walk everyday and have started walking further and faster. It brings me a sense of peace and clears my mind. Maybe I should be like Forrest Gump and just keep walking…walking until I finally find peace of mind!

And now you know the reasons behind my word of the year. I need to feel calm. I need to feel peace. I need to feel serene…

”Don’t underestimate the power of humor and the ability to laugh at yourself to deliver peace and serenity.” ~ Charles F Glassman

13Dec/18
Kindness rocks

I’m How Old?!?

Aging, Life, ,

and how did this happen…

Kindness rocks

Don’t let anyone dull your sparkle!

This past week I turned 69! Yes, you heard me…69! Next year, 2019 will be the big 7 OH! I just have to say, thank goodness the Today Show just announced this morning that 70 is the new 40! Whew! What timing! I am so relieved to hear this…

I think us “Old People” are in much better shape at this age than our ancestors were. We exercise and take better care of ourselves. I never saw any of my grandparents exercise. Ever! But my longest living grandparent who lived well into his 90’s was always active and in fact the day he passed he was mowing the grass!

My grands never quite knew my age and last week we were chatting about that while FaceTiming on my birthday. The youngest asked me how old I was and I asked him, how old do you think I am? He said, “54” To which I replied…. “you were always my favorite kid!” Then the 16 year old gets on and says it wasn’t till about a year ago till I finally knew how old you really were or how old you weren’t! He says, “so how old are you really?” I asked him why he said it like that and he replies…”well, once I asked you how old you were and you said how old do you think and I answered 50 and you said that’s good! So I always thought that was right!” And I replied, so what’s your point? He said I want to know! I said..69! To which he replies, you sure don’t look or act like it! ….I took that as a compliment!

“Age is something that doesn’t matter, unless you are a cheese.”~ Luis Bunuel

I really beleive age is just a number and wish we didn’t focus so much on that number. Why are we so caught up in the whole…”how old are you” thing? Our focus shouldn’t be on the number, it should be how we feel inside. I still feel like that little 12 year old girl who had a dream of being a writer. I can still see myself sitting at my fathers desk writing my novel. I can feel it like it was yesterday. I’m not sure what I do now is worthy of being called…a writer. But I do write!

I have to be honest and say I haven’t been doing a lot of it lately. I’m not even sure why. But I promise I plan to do a lot more of it in the coming year! I have been focused on some changes that I want/need to make next year and that has taken up so much thought and so much energy, I haven’t had much left for anything else.

You know it’s funny or…maybe sad that I know some people in their 40’s who are “old” and some in their 80’s who are “young.” I’m not sure how that happens or why but I want to be one of the latter. So let’s not put labels on us “older” folks. Let us try to focus on the person inside!

”Age is a matter of feeling…not of years.” ~ George William Curtis

Honestly, I have to say I have never lied about my age! Well…maybe a few times when I was under 21 and wanted to get in the bar and have a few drinks…but that’s another story. I’m proud I made it this long and proud of what I can still do at this age. Ok, there have been a few times lately when my body is saying, you can’t do that…to which I reply…Just watch me!

I come from some good stock and good genes! I take care of myself, walk every day, exercise, take vitamins and apple cider vinegar every single morning. I can also do a 2 minute plank, which makes my #2 grandson very proud!

So here’s the deal! I am not a number! You are not a number! Let’s be the best we can be and not let age define us! Onto 2019 and the big Seven O! Bring it on!

”Cherish all your happy moments; they make a fine cushion for old age.” ~ Booth Tarkington

What are your thoughts? Do you let your age define you?

 

 

21Nov/18
Clouds

Thankfully…

Aging, Life, ,

and today I am so very thankful…

Clouds

I’m thankful for seeing the beauty in nature..

I haven’t been writing very often, maybe once or twice a month. I just can’t come up with anything worth writing. I have things in my head and then I think, no…no one wants to hear this. So with tomorrow being Thanksgiving, I decided to do a post about what I am thankful for right now.

I am thankful for my family, my daughters, my grandchildren, my nieces and cousins. I am blessed to still have some family and I love and treasure every moment I have with them. We never know when life will throw us a curve ball and we won’t have these people, so spend time with them, love them, and tell them you love them.

I am thankful for my friends. I can’t say enough about the wonderful people in my life who I call my friends. They are really more like family to me, that is how much I care about them. They have gotten me through the darkest days of my life and are still by my side. I’m not sure it is easy to be my friend, so believe me when I say these people deserve some kind of award.

”When you rise in the morning, give thanks for the light, for your life, for your strength. Give thanks for your food and the joy of living. If you see no reason to give thanks, the fault lies in yourself.” ~ Tecumseh

I am thankful for my health. I am thankful that I can get up every morning and walk down the stairs. I know there are people out there that can not do that and I don’t take it lightly that I can. I try to stay healthy and exercise. I even eat pretty healthy for the most part. But if some ice cream happens to find its way into the freezer and I eat it, I don’t let it make me feel guilty. Much like what I posted earlier…we dont know how long we have on this earth and I don’t want to die one morning knowing I deprived myself of ice cream the night before.

I am thankful for each and every day I wake up. I give thanks the first thing every morning that I am blessed to wake up another day.

I am thankful that for the first time in like 20 years I don’t have to work Black Friday…in retail! You dont know how thankful I am for this. I used to love working that day, it was so busy the time passed very quickly and people were nice. That is no longer the case. Most people are in such a hurry and are not very nice to the people that wait on them. So, to all of you in retail….may the gods of Black Friday be with you!

”Strive to find things to be thankful for, and just look for the good in who you are!”~ Bethany Hamilton

I am thankful for the beauty of nature. I love looking at the sky and finding things in the clouds that make me happy. My grandchildren love doing this as well and I love that they do. Sometimes they make fun of me since they are getting older but then one will say, “hey look, that cloud looks like a dinosaur.”

I am thankful for coffee! It gets me going and helps me cope… the same can be said for wine! And…ice cream!

I am thankful for the days when I walk into another room and remember why I walked in there. Believe me when I say these day are few and far between!

I am thankful for people who make me laugh! Laughing out loud until I cry is one of my favorite things and I am grateful for the people who make me do that!

And finally I am grateful for the people who read my blog and comment! And tell me they miss my posts. Thank you all!

”In everyone’s life, at some time, our inner fire goes out. It is then burst into flame by an encounter with another human being. We should all be thankful for those people who rekindle the inner spirit.” ~ Albert Schweitzer

Be that person who rekindles another persons inner spirit!

 

26Oct/18
Keep your mouth shut

It’s Not OK!!

Life, Rants,

no its really not…

Keep your mouth shut

just stop…

I promise, this is not a political post and I’m not talking about just politics here, nor am I pointing fingers at anyone or any political party.. Now that I got that out of the way here is what I’m worried about..I am worried for us, for our children, our grandchildren and most of all our country. What has happened to us? Why is everyone so full of hate these days? This didn’t happen over night and it isn’t just about who is in office. I haven’t felt much like writing lately and this is part of the reason why. But I decided I needed to say some things and get my feelings out.

So what happened…I truly believe a huge part of it is due to social media. I can’t even look at FB some days. I have begun limiting myself from it for periods of time and instead have been on Instagram and reading more. It’s sad because it is a way for me to keep in touch with family and friends due to me not living close to most of them anymore. FB is not the only problem, the news isn’t helping at all. Remember when the evening news was just that…news! No one ever gave an opinion nor was it in anyway slanted towards any one side or the beliefs of the newscaster. I long for the good old days to be back again.

I really believe  people say things on social media they never would say in real life to anyone. I even see a post and think to myself..aw this is such a sweet post…and then read the comments and someone has said something nasty and mean spirited. I think wow, where did that even come from and why would someone post that… What makes someone do that? I have no answer…I am sorry we have come to this..

”A loving heart is the truest wisdom.” ~ Charles Dickens

Here’s a thought…It’s not ok to bully or make fun of people. Anyone..We teach our kids and grandkids this and then adults are doing this. Do they realize what they are doing or do they just go along with the crowd? Making fun of anyone is not OK! I have seen people I know make fun of someone and I think, do I really know this person? Maybe it was done in jest, but I’m pretty sure the person being made fun of doesn’t think it’s funny.

My grandfather was a Sunday School teacher and he taught all of us to be kind..always be kind, no matter what. He was the kindest, sweetest man I ever knew. He never had a bad thing to say about anyone and I learned a lot from him. He taught us all to love one another and not to hate. He told us to treat people the way we want to be treated.

I have tried to live by my grandfathers teachings. I dont always get there and some times I slip up. I am human after all. But for the most part I try to show kindness and love. You know it is one thing to say something in the comfort of your home to a friend or family member but do we really need to put the harsh words out there for all to see? What does that accomplish? It only breeds more hatefullness.

We are all wondering why there is so much bullying going on in schools, road rage shootings and just plain meanness these days..maybe we need to look at ourselves to see where this starts..it starts with each one of us.

”Love is the master key that opens the gates of happiness, of hatred, of jealousy, and, most easily of all, the gate of fear.”~ Oliver Wendell Holmes, Sr.

I am sad at what we have become. I am sad when I walk down the street in our little town and no one bothers to even look at you or smile and say hello. I try…and sometimes I am met with a smile and a “good morning”, but more often than not, I get nothing! I remember as a child, going downtown with my mother and everyone said hello and smiled.

Can we go back to those days, back to the way we were? Can we stop all the hate? That is my question for you? I think we can. I believe there is good in the world. I post a good story every single day on FB. Believe me, some days it is hard to find one amidst all the other stuff on there. But eventually I find one. It gives me hope and shows me there is still good in the world. And I love when people I don’t even know tell me they love that I post them and look forward to them every day.

I want to believe its possible for us to rise above the hate! I believe we are better than this! My hope is for a better world for our grandchildren and their children. A world that is more filled with love than hate… We can do this. I know we can…

11Oct/18
Umbrella blowing inside out

Some Stupid Things To Make You Laugh…

Humor

Umbrella blowing inside out

You never know what kind of day it will be…

So lately I haven’t felt much like writing for some reason…and that is so weird because I love to write and it has been so therapeutic for me to do it. I took a little break over the summer and just haven’t been feeling it. So I decided this week I needed to get back on the horse and do it again…but  then I was trying to decide what to write about and while there is so much going on in the world right now I just didn’t have the energy to come up with something I could put out there for my readers and for me! So I decided to write a list of some stupid silly things I have seen in the news and social media. I promise I will be back to writing my usual stories and thoughts soon. So here is my list of stupid things I’ve seen lately.

1. Gas station owner posts sign in his store…”Don’t warm urine in microwave.” And why would he need to post this I wondered… I dont even want to know!

2. Making crafts out of tampons… yeah, that’s a thing evidently!

3. And making crafts out of moose turds…that’s also a thing in New England..we used to just make crafts out of paper, yarn, metal, etc… I guess we just weren’t forward thinking back in the day..

4. I know you all saw this one but still.. Toddler shreds $1,060 of parents money.. I cant even…dont people watch these kids and why was the money just laying around for the toddler to find it?

5. VA man rubs produce on his butt and puts it back on the shelf…what did he get out of that except for a fine and possible jail term?? You cant make this stuff up..

6. Thousands of insects were stolen from a PA museum. 7,000 infact! Who steals insects? And why? Evidently they think it was former employees. Guess they would miss them too much and decided to take them home.

7. Man in Florida was arrested for stabbing another man. The man who was arrested did not have arms.. How did he stab someone without arms you ask? He did it with his feet.

8. A bank in India was wondering why the ATM wasn’t working. Customers had been complaining no money was coming out. They opened it to find out why and they found a rat chewing on some money. He ate $18,000!

9. Customers of an animal hospital were getting prank calls..no one was on the line when they answered. Those that had caller ID saw it was coming from the animal hospital, so they called to see why this was happening. One person got 9 calls in just a few minutes.. When someone went into the office to see why this was happening, they found the culprit. A gecko was on the touch screen phone making calls. Hey, the gecko called and the dog is ready to be picked up!

10. And finally the much talked about Banksy painting that self destructed after  being sold for 1.4 million dollars. I don’t know who Bansky is and not familiar with his work…but he has some weird sense of humor…if it is humor! I don’t think the person who paid 1.4 million is laughing.

Well there are many more of course but that’s my list of 10 for today! I hope you got a chuckle or at least a smile out of them.

”Truth is stranger than fiction, but it is because fiction is obliged to stick to possibilities. Truth isn’t.” ~ Mark Twain

14Sep/18
Butterfly

Why Couldn’t He Save Himself?

Life, ,

why couldn’t he..

Butterfly

Such a beautiful thing, the butterfly..

I saw a butterfly the other day….which was nothing new as I see them almost every day. It was at my window and kept flitting around so I went out on the porch to see what was going on. It kept flying by me and then settled down on the wicker chair. I walked closer and I honestly could have touched it. I didn’t for fear of hurting it in some way. This happened two days in a row. I know they say when you see a butterfly it means a loved one is near and I know how much my son loved butterflies so I think he sends them to me to let me know he is doing good and just wants me to know that he is thinking of me.

But this latest butterfly sighting just made me think back to when my son was around 6 or 7 and wanted to have a butterfly collection and hang it on his wall. We got him a net and he would catch butterflies all day long till he couldn’t see them anymore due to darkness setting in. He would then transfer them into a jar and wait for them to die so he could pin them on the board.  He did this for weeks with no problems. That is until the day the beautiful large butterfly he caught would not die.

He would look in the jar and ask me why it was not dying like the rest of the ones he caught. I had no answer for this question and just told him to be patient (something he was never good at) and it would die just like the others. But it didn’t.  It hung on for over a week or so and he became extremely upset that this particular butterfly was going through such a hard time. He went from wanting it to die to trying to save it. He fed it and held it and cried over it, pleading for it to live. Of course it did eventually die and with it his love of butterfly collecting.

This started a life long endeavor to save things…animals, bugs, and eventually people.. He went hunting a few times with his father and once even shot a squirrel. His father had it stuffed and he hung it in my son’s room. He could not even look at the squirrel and into the attic it went. And also it ended his hunting career. Although to appease his father he did for a short time take up bow hunting. When I asked him about it, he quietly told me he wasn’t very good at it so he knew he wouldn’t be able to kill anything.

He was always bringing home a sick animal or some kind of reptile and would try to nurse it back to health. He found a hawk one time that had broken its wing and called the park service to see what he should do, they told him they would pick it up and take care of it.  I knew it was hard for him to let them take it but he did. They told him they would let him know when it was well enough to be released and that they would call him when that would happen so he could watch. He didn’t think they would do that and was so upset that he had let them take the hawk. But they did. They called him and told him it was ready to be released and he watched it fly up in the sky to freedom. He was so excited an happy when he told me about this.

His “taking care of things” didn’t stop with animals and insects. He always had a soft spot for people who needed help and he was the first one there to help a friend or relative when they needed it the most. Sometimes I wondered why he did this as these same people were never there for him. He once told me that it didn’t matter if they were there for him, all that mattered was that he was doing what he thought he needed to do. He was a very loving person and gave of that love so freely.

My son, my Dave, was a warm and giving soul. He gave so much without asking for anything in return. He saved so many in his short life of 46 years. And as I asked the butterfly that flew around me for 2 days….If he could save all these things…Why couldn’t he save himself?

”We make a living by what we get. We make a life by what we give.” ~ Winston Churchill