THINGS I'VE STUMBLED
ACROSS ALONG THE WAY
BY
JACK KOCHENOUR
Copyright 2006. No material may be copied without written permission from the author.
Tuesday, August 12, 2008
TITLE PAGE
THINGS I'VE STUMBLED
ACROSS ALONG THE WAY
BY
JACK KOCHENOUR
Copyright 2006. No material may be copied without written permission from the author.
Saturday, January 14, 2006
Directions to the Chapters:
Initial Comments
Chapter One: The Power of Positive Purpose
Chapter Two: Separate Realities
Chapter Three: Discover And Share The Love In Your Heart
Chapter Four: In Everything There Is A Blessing
Chapter Five: To Serve With Integrity And To Care
Chapter Six: We Are All Responsible For The Outcome
Chapter Seven: Kids Move, Make Noise, And Are Curious
Chapter Eight: Don't Mix Sparks And Gasoline
Chapter Nine: The Mystery Of Packing A Trunk
Chapter Ten: Be a Hero To Your Kid(s)
Chapter Eleven: Aunt Tillie's Trunk In The Attic
Chapter Twelve: "Mr. Wonderful", Please Change
Chapter Thirteen: Life Is About Choices
Chapter Fourteen: Living Or Existing
Chapter Fifteen: Discovering Your Personal Power
Chapter Sixteen: Discover Your Spiritual Self - Part One
Chapter Seventeen: Discover Your Spiritual Self - Part Two
Chapter Eighteen: Discover Your Spiritual Self - Part Three
Influential Books
Chapter One: The Power of Positive Purpose
Chapter Two: Separate Realities
Chapter Three: Discover And Share The Love In Your Heart
Chapter Four: In Everything There Is A Blessing
Chapter Five: To Serve With Integrity And To Care
Chapter Six: We Are All Responsible For The Outcome
Chapter Seven: Kids Move, Make Noise, And Are Curious
Chapter Eight: Don't Mix Sparks And Gasoline
Chapter Nine: The Mystery Of Packing A Trunk
Chapter Ten: Be a Hero To Your Kid(s)
Chapter Eleven: Aunt Tillie's Trunk In The Attic
Chapter Twelve: "Mr. Wonderful", Please Change
Chapter Thirteen: Life Is About Choices
Chapter Fourteen: Living Or Existing
Chapter Fifteen: Discovering Your Personal Power
Chapter Sixteen: Discover Your Spiritual Self - Part One
Chapter Seventeen: Discover Your Spiritual Self - Part Two
Chapter Eighteen: Discover Your Spiritual Self - Part Three
Influential Books
Initial Comments, Or How I Decided On This Title
There are times that ideas, running around in your mind for a very long time, start letting you know that their time to be free has come. When that time comes, listen to those ideas and set them free by writing them down. Share them with others.
Over the years I have taught classes in psychology, sociology, leadership, management, assertiveness training, motivation and interpersonal communication to name a few. I currently teach real estate classes where I work with people who are changing careers. Throughout the real estate instruction certain ideas kept repeating themselves as part of my presentation. Their “path to freedom” is usually preceded by; "Here is something I have stumbled across that you might find helpful..."
As with most of us who are afraid of new territory, I shied away from writing any of these down. My rationale was "I'm a talker not a writer." A very good friend of mine, Dr. Rod McIntyre, listened to my ideas and to my being a talker and not a writer until he could bear it no more. During one of our conversations he said, "Jack, what you really are is a coward. That big blank sheet of paper in front of you has you scared to death." I must tell you that being called a coward by a good friend is not an easy thing to take. And what is even worse is the realization that he is correct. So, with that in mind I decided that it was time for me to put my fear aside and take the plunge. Even with that resolve it wasn’t until one of my daughters, Adrianne Snyder, who is writing her own novel, and Mark M. Hood, the author of Live before you die, gave me additional encouragement that I began to get serious about it. My wife, Maryann, has always been an inspiration to me. If it were not for her, I might not have "stumbled across" most of the important lessons. The results of my efforts will follow.
Many real estate classes tend to be dull, monotonous and just plain boring to many people. Bringing in practical experiences and a few related stories helps keep the people involved and interested. None of these ideas I have stumbled across are particularly original, but they just seem to say some things that fit the moment. They seem to make some sense. You probably have run across them or said them yourself. So, as we go along I may be reminding you of what you already know. It might have receded to the back of your mind. However, if you haven't heard some of these, you might want to put them in your nice to know/need to know file.
The gist of my messages is ways of getting along with other people. How we do this will determine how others will perceive us. Keep these questions in mind. "How should I present myself?" I am the only one who can control my behavior. Others may try to influence me but I am still responsible for what I do. “What influence will I have on others?” I will influence others. Therefore, I must act in such a way that I do no harm intentionally. I will do those things that will help others achieve their goals and try to insure their goals are not destructive. I hope we all try to do the same.
Now, if I may, please let me share with you some of Jack’s Nuggets, otherwise known as those things I've "Stumbled across along the way."
Take me back to the Directions page:
Over the years I have taught classes in psychology, sociology, leadership, management, assertiveness training, motivation and interpersonal communication to name a few. I currently teach real estate classes where I work with people who are changing careers. Throughout the real estate instruction certain ideas kept repeating themselves as part of my presentation. Their “path to freedom” is usually preceded by; "Here is something I have stumbled across that you might find helpful..."
As with most of us who are afraid of new territory, I shied away from writing any of these down. My rationale was "I'm a talker not a writer." A very good friend of mine, Dr. Rod McIntyre, listened to my ideas and to my being a talker and not a writer until he could bear it no more. During one of our conversations he said, "Jack, what you really are is a coward. That big blank sheet of paper in front of you has you scared to death." I must tell you that being called a coward by a good friend is not an easy thing to take. And what is even worse is the realization that he is correct. So, with that in mind I decided that it was time for me to put my fear aside and take the plunge. Even with that resolve it wasn’t until one of my daughters, Adrianne Snyder, who is writing her own novel, and Mark M. Hood, the author of Live before you die, gave me additional encouragement that I began to get serious about it. My wife, Maryann, has always been an inspiration to me. If it were not for her, I might not have "stumbled across" most of the important lessons. The results of my efforts will follow.
Many real estate classes tend to be dull, monotonous and just plain boring to many people. Bringing in practical experiences and a few related stories helps keep the people involved and interested. None of these ideas I have stumbled across are particularly original, but they just seem to say some things that fit the moment. They seem to make some sense. You probably have run across them or said them yourself. So, as we go along I may be reminding you of what you already know. It might have receded to the back of your mind. However, if you haven't heard some of these, you might want to put them in your nice to know/need to know file.
The gist of my messages is ways of getting along with other people. How we do this will determine how others will perceive us. Keep these questions in mind. "How should I present myself?" I am the only one who can control my behavior. Others may try to influence me but I am still responsible for what I do. “What influence will I have on others?” I will influence others. Therefore, I must act in such a way that I do no harm intentionally. I will do those things that will help others achieve their goals and try to insure their goals are not destructive. I hope we all try to do the same.
Now, if I may, please let me share with you some of Jack’s Nuggets, otherwise known as those things I've "Stumbled across along the way."
Take me back to the Directions page:
Friday, January 13, 2006
Chapter One: The Power of Positive Purpose
Have you figured it out yet? You know, your reason for being? Have you even thought about it? Have you talked to anyone about it since you were a teenager? Did you even talk about it then? Would you admit it if you did? I'm going to ask you to work on that now. There will be some suggestions to help you along the way. We will start small and then you can take it to whatever level you like.
We all reach a crossroads in our lives. Points in time where we are going to have to make choices. They are not always obvious, but we go through them nonetheless. A review of these points in our lives will give us clues to our purpose. We can also use this technique to assist us in making decisions at these crossroads. There are three steps to look at - a passion to do something, preparation and planning to achieve that something, and finally the performance.
HAVE A PASSION FOR SOMETHING
Many folks find themselves in situations at work, in their private lives and relationships that are less than satisfying. As they continue in these situations they become frustrated. It is easy for them to develop a passion to escape the situation. As you guessed, this is a crossroad. It is a time for clear thinking and planning to manage the change. Most of them will opt to do something else just to be out of the situation. They have a lot of energy wrapped up in the passion to escape. Consequently they do not always make the best choice for change. They are so focused on getting away that they don'?t spend much time on looking ahead.
Develop a positive attitude with a passion to move to something is much more agreeable and of greater use. Having a passion to do something will inherently bring about the positive attitude that will help you be successful.
How do you know you have a passion for something? Have you ever found yourself engaged in and activity and forgotten the time? Have you left that activity tired, but still "pumped up"‚ about it? Have you found yourself wishing you were doing something else while in the unsatisfactory situation? These are clues. It is these activities that bring us a lot of positive energy. We must use this energy to help guide our lives and choices. At first it might not seem practical to make such a change, but in the long run it will pay dividends. The change will require careful preparation and planning.
PREPARATION AND PLANNING
There we are, settled into our humdrum existence. We are thinking we want to be somewhere else doing a specific something else. A something else that is much more rewarding. Eureka! We have discovered the activity for which we have passion. What is keeping us from moving in that direction? If the change seems overwhelming that is the time to take stock on where we want to be. Our new endeavor may require specific education or training. Much of the time the training is rather expensive, so it is in our best interest to be sure that this is where we need to be.
Careful preparation gives us an opportunity to assess our strengths. Which strengths have brought us success? We should even consider improving those strengths.
Well, now you've done it. You've settled on that new place in your life, situation where you would rather be. You've discovered the preparation required. The goal might seem out of your reach. Here is where careful planning is essential. You will find that there are a number of steps to get to your new place in life. As you plan, look at those steps that are necessary to get from here to there. Once you have the plan worked out in smaller steps you are ready to implement it. This leads us to the last step
PERFORMANCE
Performance is nothing more than working your plan. As you reach each level of your plan reward yourself and then do a passion check. Are you still as excited about the plan as you were originally? You may have found that what you originally thought was an exciting situation now may not be. However, do not despair. You now have a way to do something about it. Just return to step one above. Who knows, but you, where it will lead you?
Jack's Nugget: A periodic passion check will keep you going in a positive direction.
Take me back to the Directions page:
We all reach a crossroads in our lives. Points in time where we are going to have to make choices. They are not always obvious, but we go through them nonetheless. A review of these points in our lives will give us clues to our purpose. We can also use this technique to assist us in making decisions at these crossroads. There are three steps to look at - a passion to do something, preparation and planning to achieve that something, and finally the performance.
HAVE A PASSION FOR SOMETHING
Many folks find themselves in situations at work, in their private lives and relationships that are less than satisfying. As they continue in these situations they become frustrated. It is easy for them to develop a passion to escape the situation. As you guessed, this is a crossroad. It is a time for clear thinking and planning to manage the change. Most of them will opt to do something else just to be out of the situation. They have a lot of energy wrapped up in the passion to escape. Consequently they do not always make the best choice for change. They are so focused on getting away that they don'?t spend much time on looking ahead.
Develop a positive attitude with a passion to move to something is much more agreeable and of greater use. Having a passion to do something will inherently bring about the positive attitude that will help you be successful.
How do you know you have a passion for something? Have you ever found yourself engaged in and activity and forgotten the time? Have you left that activity tired, but still "pumped up"‚ about it? Have you found yourself wishing you were doing something else while in the unsatisfactory situation? These are clues. It is these activities that bring us a lot of positive energy. We must use this energy to help guide our lives and choices. At first it might not seem practical to make such a change, but in the long run it will pay dividends. The change will require careful preparation and planning.
PREPARATION AND PLANNING
There we are, settled into our humdrum existence. We are thinking we want to be somewhere else doing a specific something else. A something else that is much more rewarding. Eureka! We have discovered the activity for which we have passion. What is keeping us from moving in that direction? If the change seems overwhelming that is the time to take stock on where we want to be. Our new endeavor may require specific education or training. Much of the time the training is rather expensive, so it is in our best interest to be sure that this is where we need to be.
Careful preparation gives us an opportunity to assess our strengths. Which strengths have brought us success? We should even consider improving those strengths.
Well, now you've done it. You've settled on that new place in your life, situation where you would rather be. You've discovered the preparation required. The goal might seem out of your reach. Here is where careful planning is essential. You will find that there are a number of steps to get to your new place in life. As you plan, look at those steps that are necessary to get from here to there. Once you have the plan worked out in smaller steps you are ready to implement it. This leads us to the last step
PERFORMANCE
Performance is nothing more than working your plan. As you reach each level of your plan reward yourself and then do a passion check. Are you still as excited about the plan as you were originally? You may have found that what you originally thought was an exciting situation now may not be. However, do not despair. You now have a way to do something about it. Just return to step one above. Who knows, but you, where it will lead you?
Jack's Nugget: A periodic passion check will keep you going in a positive direction.
Take me back to the Directions page:
Thursday, January 12, 2006
Chapter Two: Separate Realities
Have you ever witnessed an event with another person and at a later time discussed it? During that discussion did you get the feeling that you might have witnessed something entirely different than that other person? If so, you have been in the “separate realities zone.” Each of us has our own reasons for remembering things. Different things have different meanings for each of us. As we mature we learn that certain things are more important than others. It is probably a survival mechanism. Placing different values on different aspects of an event has helped us to survive. Consequently, it is no surprise to realize that we will have different recollections of the same event.
We need to take care when we discuss the recalled event. Otherwise we can have some heated arguments about what we witnessed. This is particularly true when we are with someone we love. Sometimes we just have to be “right.” We are subliminally convinced that if we are not “right” we are diminished as a person. It is as though our very existence is wrapped up in that one moment. In a way it is. Our “reality” will be changed as a result of the outcome of the discussion/argument.
Each of us has our own system of beliefs that help define us. Others may not share our beliefs. The beliefs are ours and they let others know who we are, even if the beliefs are not accurate.
When the difference of opinion about the event occurs, we are more prone to “defend” our position. We tend to see it as disapproval of ourselves. Whenever we personalize the comments of others it is almost impossible to change our minds. We are just too busy protecting ourselves.
Two dynamics appear to be operating at this time. One is the need to win at all costs, and the other is the inability to listen to the other person. Doing either one will usually cost us the relationship. Doing both will only hasten the relationship’s demise. This is particularly so when the other person is exhibiting the same behaviors and attitudes. Both are operating from their separate realities.
It is possible to overcome the anger and agitation when this occurs. The first step is to realize we are in the “separate realities zone.” The next step is to decide if winning argument is more important than the keeping the relationship. To short circuit the argument, just declare that your are in the “separate realities zone.” This will give both parties an opportunity to save face and think about the issue. Whenever this occurs with my wife and me, I think about it, and a few days later I let my wife know that her view was more accurate then mine. On occasion she will come to me. Her “batting average” is much better than mine.
If we want to reduce the times we visit the “separate realities zone”, we need to expand our response patterns. We need to change. Since we know of the two primary dynamics that are at work we need to focus on them. Winning is important in sporting events, but disastrous in relationships.
The skill of listening to others is just that, a skill. As such it can be developed and improved. It requires that we pay attention to what the other person is saying PRIOR to preparing our response. We need to hear the words of the other and assess the feelings that may be behind the words. One way to determine how accurate we are is to check with the speaker to discover how close our understanding is to what they believe they said.
It is quite easy to suggest these skills. It is quite another thing to practice them. Yet that is precisely what we need to do – practice them. It is advisable to practice with those we love. It may be more difficult due to our closeness to them. They may find it a little unsettling as we begin to behave in a different manner. It is in our best interest to discover why we cling to our view of the world. Only then will we be able to change it.
When we make the change and begin to communicate more clearly, we will find our visits to the “separate realities zone” more enjoyable.
Jack’s Nugget: Be willing to do frequent reality zone checks. You never know in whose you will be.
Take me back to the Directions page:
We need to take care when we discuss the recalled event. Otherwise we can have some heated arguments about what we witnessed. This is particularly true when we are with someone we love. Sometimes we just have to be “right.” We are subliminally convinced that if we are not “right” we are diminished as a person. It is as though our very existence is wrapped up in that one moment. In a way it is. Our “reality” will be changed as a result of the outcome of the discussion/argument.
Each of us has our own system of beliefs that help define us. Others may not share our beliefs. The beliefs are ours and they let others know who we are, even if the beliefs are not accurate.
When the difference of opinion about the event occurs, we are more prone to “defend” our position. We tend to see it as disapproval of ourselves. Whenever we personalize the comments of others it is almost impossible to change our minds. We are just too busy protecting ourselves.
Two dynamics appear to be operating at this time. One is the need to win at all costs, and the other is the inability to listen to the other person. Doing either one will usually cost us the relationship. Doing both will only hasten the relationship’s demise. This is particularly so when the other person is exhibiting the same behaviors and attitudes. Both are operating from their separate realities.
It is possible to overcome the anger and agitation when this occurs. The first step is to realize we are in the “separate realities zone.” The next step is to decide if winning argument is more important than the keeping the relationship. To short circuit the argument, just declare that your are in the “separate realities zone.” This will give both parties an opportunity to save face and think about the issue. Whenever this occurs with my wife and me, I think about it, and a few days later I let my wife know that her view was more accurate then mine. On occasion she will come to me. Her “batting average” is much better than mine.
If we want to reduce the times we visit the “separate realities zone”, we need to expand our response patterns. We need to change. Since we know of the two primary dynamics that are at work we need to focus on them. Winning is important in sporting events, but disastrous in relationships.
The skill of listening to others is just that, a skill. As such it can be developed and improved. It requires that we pay attention to what the other person is saying PRIOR to preparing our response. We need to hear the words of the other and assess the feelings that may be behind the words. One way to determine how accurate we are is to check with the speaker to discover how close our understanding is to what they believe they said.
It is quite easy to suggest these skills. It is quite another thing to practice them. Yet that is precisely what we need to do – practice them. It is advisable to practice with those we love. It may be more difficult due to our closeness to them. They may find it a little unsettling as we begin to behave in a different manner. It is in our best interest to discover why we cling to our view of the world. Only then will we be able to change it.
When we make the change and begin to communicate more clearly, we will find our visits to the “separate realities zone” more enjoyable.
Jack’s Nugget: Be willing to do frequent reality zone checks. You never know in whose you will be.
Take me back to the Directions page:
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Chapter Three: Discover and Share The Love In Your Heart
I’m continually amazed at the things people are able to say and do when they interact with others. There are times when I believe I have stepped over the line with some of my comments to others. The comments sounded a bit caustic or sarcastic to me. However, the response of the other party seems one of acceptance and in some rare cases appreciation. My awareness makes me more vigilant about how I communicate with others.
It is not my intent to cause others discomfort, although I do recognize that growth can come from such discomfort. The more I think of this idea, the more I want to focus on what it is that allows me to “get away with” my comments. My query has brought me to this premise—“Share the love in your heart.”
“Share the love in your heart?” Now that is a charming concept. It rolls off the tongue so easily. However, it is easier to say than to do. We must first discover the love in our heart. It is that feeling of joy, excitement, affection and wellbeing that we perceive when the world is beautiful. That feeling that energizes us and brings with it serenity and peace. Which comes first, the joy or the beautiful world? That answer is easy, the beautiful world is all around us, even in the midst of horrendous evil. Our task is to discover that part of us that perceives the beauty and awakens the joy. The beautiful world is always there. We just have to be open to it and welcome it.
Welcoming the beautiful world begins by recognizing the feelings that come to us when least expected. Those feelings we have about the smallest things. Remember how you felt the first time it rained after a long dry spell? Heard the words to a beautiful song? Saw the beauty of the first snowfall? Felt the joy of successfully completing a difficult task? Saw a beloved person? Observed a curious child accomplish something for the first time? Noticed a beautiful sunrise/sunset? There are several feelings that may come to you--feelings of satisfaction, elation, energy, and even serenity. All of those feelings give you a sense of wellbeing. As you become aware of this state of wellbeing, you want to remain there. You want others to have the same feeling. You want to share those feelings with others. That wanting to share is a natural byproduct of the feeling. The marvelous thing about identifying these feelings is that we can experience them whenever we want. We are in complete control of the feelings. It only requires our willingness to be calm, sense them, and let them permeate our total being.
There are times when we must tell people things that they might not want to hear. We must do it in such a way that they are willing to accept it in the manner in which it was intended, i.e., we care enough about them to let them know how their behavior is affecting us. Those who are in pain from anger, fear, sadness, disappointment, or some other emotion, need someone who will listen. Sometimes that is all they want, a listener. No talk. No suggestions. No recommendations, just a willing ear.
The listening must be non-judgmental. It must be done with an attitude that says, “There is nothing you can say that will cause me to be repelled from you as a person of dignity and worth.” We may justifiably abhor the behavior of the other, but we should at least listen to their story. After listening we can then make suggestions as to a likely course of action. However, my guess is, they would rather not have the suggestions. When they do ask for suggestions, remember, they are just suggestions. The receiver is going to do whatever he or she pleases, regardless of the consequences. Teenagers seem to be quite adept at this.
Sharing the love in our hearts will make our lives more worthwhile. We will be more fulfilled as a person. Others will seek us out to spend time in our company. They will value us because we have shown we value them. We have cared enough to share our love of the beauty of the world with them. That is a powerful role model.
Jack’s Nugget: What you give is what you get. Share the love in your heart.
Take me back to the Directions page:
It is not my intent to cause others discomfort, although I do recognize that growth can come from such discomfort. The more I think of this idea, the more I want to focus on what it is that allows me to “get away with” my comments. My query has brought me to this premise—“Share the love in your heart.”
“Share the love in your heart?” Now that is a charming concept. It rolls off the tongue so easily. However, it is easier to say than to do. We must first discover the love in our heart. It is that feeling of joy, excitement, affection and wellbeing that we perceive when the world is beautiful. That feeling that energizes us and brings with it serenity and peace. Which comes first, the joy or the beautiful world? That answer is easy, the beautiful world is all around us, even in the midst of horrendous evil. Our task is to discover that part of us that perceives the beauty and awakens the joy. The beautiful world is always there. We just have to be open to it and welcome it.
Welcoming the beautiful world begins by recognizing the feelings that come to us when least expected. Those feelings we have about the smallest things. Remember how you felt the first time it rained after a long dry spell? Heard the words to a beautiful song? Saw the beauty of the first snowfall? Felt the joy of successfully completing a difficult task? Saw a beloved person? Observed a curious child accomplish something for the first time? Noticed a beautiful sunrise/sunset? There are several feelings that may come to you--feelings of satisfaction, elation, energy, and even serenity. All of those feelings give you a sense of wellbeing. As you become aware of this state of wellbeing, you want to remain there. You want others to have the same feeling. You want to share those feelings with others. That wanting to share is a natural byproduct of the feeling. The marvelous thing about identifying these feelings is that we can experience them whenever we want. We are in complete control of the feelings. It only requires our willingness to be calm, sense them, and let them permeate our total being.
There are times when we must tell people things that they might not want to hear. We must do it in such a way that they are willing to accept it in the manner in which it was intended, i.e., we care enough about them to let them know how their behavior is affecting us. Those who are in pain from anger, fear, sadness, disappointment, or some other emotion, need someone who will listen. Sometimes that is all they want, a listener. No talk. No suggestions. No recommendations, just a willing ear.
The listening must be non-judgmental. It must be done with an attitude that says, “There is nothing you can say that will cause me to be repelled from you as a person of dignity and worth.” We may justifiably abhor the behavior of the other, but we should at least listen to their story. After listening we can then make suggestions as to a likely course of action. However, my guess is, they would rather not have the suggestions. When they do ask for suggestions, remember, they are just suggestions. The receiver is going to do whatever he or she pleases, regardless of the consequences. Teenagers seem to be quite adept at this.
Sharing the love in our hearts will make our lives more worthwhile. We will be more fulfilled as a person. Others will seek us out to spend time in our company. They will value us because we have shown we value them. We have cared enough to share our love of the beauty of the world with them. That is a powerful role model.
Jack’s Nugget: What you give is what you get. Share the love in your heart.
Take me back to the Directions page:
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Chapter Four: In Everything There is a Blessing
When times are difficult, and you think that the world is against you, that is the time you are least looking for someone to tell you everything will be OK. Yet it is those very times you need something to hold on to. Something to help you through the unbearable times.
It is natural and healthy to take time to mourn, grieve, or lament about your situation. It is yours and you are having difficulty getting through it. It is appropriate to give yourself permission to have these feelings. At some point you will want to make some sense of the situation in which you find yourself. It is natural to feel guilt, to want to lay blame somewhere, to seek retribution, even to flee. These very thoughts are a part of the “getting through it” process.
You begin by questioning yourself about what you could have done to prevent it. You might ask, “Why me?” You are asking yourself what was your responsibility in causing it to happen, an answer you might not prefer to hear.
However, it is this very process of “getting through it” that is part of the blessing. You are learning a lesson. You are testing yourself. If you don’t learn the lesson at this time it will come back. The lesson may not be that easy to discover.
To hear the words, “You have Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma” can be devastating to the patient and the family. At first, all you know is that it is cancer. You learn that it is treatable. There is no known cure at this time. You are given some treatment options. You learn of the side effects of the treatments. You select what seems to be the appropriate course of action, and then you begin the “getting through it” process.
When these words were spoken to my wife, it was distressing and demoralizing for us both. I can only guess how it has affected her. I do know that her positive attitude has strengthened through years of treatment, recurrence and remission. It was when we began this journey on our trip through life together that I began to look for the blessing in the situation. It occurred to me that our relationship was changing in a positive way. It is amazing what you will do to serve the one you love. I would never have knowingly selected this method for getting closer, but that was our viable option.
There are events occurring throughout the world that are horrendous. We should all look at them to discover what the blessing might be. We need to look at our place in the world and determine how our actions are perceived by others. Are our actions self-serving or do we act in ways that serve. People who perceive themselves to be held down by others will only take it for so long. A strong, self-serving leader will come along and “lead them to a better place”.
Whether the disaster comes from man or nature, it is still a disaster. Natural disasters require a plan to minimize the damage and bring about a speedy recovery. As for the man-made disasters, that is a different story. One of the first questions we might consider is, “Who is benefiting from this?” The publicly pronounced reasons may sound good, but are they the true reasons? But, we are looking for the blessings in these situations.
During a natural disaster, one blessing is the reality that friends, neighbors, relatives and strangers will come together to put things right again. I believe I have seen instances during man-made disasters where similar actions of friends, neighbors, relatives and strangers have also occurred.
As we attend to these disasters, we need to determine what blessing is likely to come from all of this. How can pain and death bring blessings? Perhaps the most important blessing is to determine how we can change our views of the world to be more serving, caring and sharing of our love. I now look for the blessings in everything that happens to me.
Jack’s Nugget: Serving others, caring about them and sharing the love in your heart is the greatest blessing you can bestow on others. I commend it to you.
Take me back to the Directions page:
It is natural and healthy to take time to mourn, grieve, or lament about your situation. It is yours and you are having difficulty getting through it. It is appropriate to give yourself permission to have these feelings. At some point you will want to make some sense of the situation in which you find yourself. It is natural to feel guilt, to want to lay blame somewhere, to seek retribution, even to flee. These very thoughts are a part of the “getting through it” process.
You begin by questioning yourself about what you could have done to prevent it. You might ask, “Why me?” You are asking yourself what was your responsibility in causing it to happen, an answer you might not prefer to hear.
However, it is this very process of “getting through it” that is part of the blessing. You are learning a lesson. You are testing yourself. If you don’t learn the lesson at this time it will come back. The lesson may not be that easy to discover.
To hear the words, “You have Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma” can be devastating to the patient and the family. At first, all you know is that it is cancer. You learn that it is treatable. There is no known cure at this time. You are given some treatment options. You learn of the side effects of the treatments. You select what seems to be the appropriate course of action, and then you begin the “getting through it” process.
When these words were spoken to my wife, it was distressing and demoralizing for us both. I can only guess how it has affected her. I do know that her positive attitude has strengthened through years of treatment, recurrence and remission. It was when we began this journey on our trip through life together that I began to look for the blessing in the situation. It occurred to me that our relationship was changing in a positive way. It is amazing what you will do to serve the one you love. I would never have knowingly selected this method for getting closer, but that was our viable option.
There are events occurring throughout the world that are horrendous. We should all look at them to discover what the blessing might be. We need to look at our place in the world and determine how our actions are perceived by others. Are our actions self-serving or do we act in ways that serve. People who perceive themselves to be held down by others will only take it for so long. A strong, self-serving leader will come along and “lead them to a better place”.
Whether the disaster comes from man or nature, it is still a disaster. Natural disasters require a plan to minimize the damage and bring about a speedy recovery. As for the man-made disasters, that is a different story. One of the first questions we might consider is, “Who is benefiting from this?” The publicly pronounced reasons may sound good, but are they the true reasons? But, we are looking for the blessings in these situations.
During a natural disaster, one blessing is the reality that friends, neighbors, relatives and strangers will come together to put things right again. I believe I have seen instances during man-made disasters where similar actions of friends, neighbors, relatives and strangers have also occurred.
As we attend to these disasters, we need to determine what blessing is likely to come from all of this. How can pain and death bring blessings? Perhaps the most important blessing is to determine how we can change our views of the world to be more serving, caring and sharing of our love. I now look for the blessings in everything that happens to me.
Jack’s Nugget: Serving others, caring about them and sharing the love in your heart is the greatest blessing you can bestow on others. I commend it to you.
Take me back to the Directions page:
Monday, January 09, 2006
Chapter Five: To Serve With Integrity And To Care
In a previous posting I discussed the value of discovering and sharing the love in your heart. It still makes sense to me to operate from that perspective. Now is the time to add another dimension to that thought, a dimension that will improve your place in the world. It will lead you to a more successful and satisfying life. Learn to serve with integrity and to care about others.
My current vocation is helping folks who want to become real estate agents. They come to this stage in their lives for a variety of reasons. The reasons span the spectrum from wanting to be rich to liking people and houses. Some want to be their own boss, others like to look at others’ houses. However, very few have thought in terms of serving others.
I first came across this approach to life a number of years ago while undergoing my second degree Reiki attunement. While mentioning to the Reiki Master that I was helping my wife through some difficult health issues, she asked me to consider changing the verb form I was using. She suggested that I consider serving as opposed to helping. Helping suggests that they are “helpless.” It defined the relationship in a manner that didn’t seem healthy to me. That was the exact moment and message I needed to hear. It resonated well with me. Since that time I have tried to lead my life serving others. I have also expanded the concept by adding the words with integrity.
As you might guess, it is easier to say than it is to do. I remain convinced that serving with integrity is the best way to move through this life. It is a constant struggle to remember that serving is the preferred way to interact with others. It has been helpful in my private life as well as my teaching life.
The next part of this view of the world is to also care about others. When we are truly concerned about their welfare we will tend to do those things that will enhance their well-being. We will take the time to be genuinely concerned about what is happening in their lives.
You may have some way of describing what success means to you. It can run the gamut of ideas from untold riches to personal happiness. In real estate sales it can mean a certain number of transaction closings to a certain dollar amount of annual production. Regardless of your definition of success, you are much more likely to achieve it when you decide to serve with integrity and care about those you serve. Think about it. Think of how changing your method of meeting the world can be of value to you and to the world you meet.
In real estate statistics show that a preponderance of transactions (75%) come from referrals. If that is the case, then it makes a lot of sense to take the necessary steps to use that fact to help you in your business. Here is where serving and caring about those you serve comes in. Those licensees who are successful usually point to the number of referrals they get. They have usually learned to serve well.
The interesting thing about this type of service is that when the licensee maintains contact with past customers and clients, they never raise the issue of real estate. They wait for the customer/client to do that. The contact that is made is more concerned with the life of the customer/client than with real estate. Customers/clients know what the licensee does for a living. They do not have to be reminded.
These contacts are examples of serving and caring. Those licensees who follow this methodology are expanding their business. They are also improving their success as a serving, caring human being. They tend to operate from a positive perspective. They are learning first hand that what you give is what you get. Their success is commensurate with their serving and caring.
Jack’s Nugget: Serve well! You are invited to visit this web site to contribute to this concept. Serve with integrity
Take me back to the Directions page:
My current vocation is helping folks who want to become real estate agents. They come to this stage in their lives for a variety of reasons. The reasons span the spectrum from wanting to be rich to liking people and houses. Some want to be their own boss, others like to look at others’ houses. However, very few have thought in terms of serving others.
I first came across this approach to life a number of years ago while undergoing my second degree Reiki attunement. While mentioning to the Reiki Master that I was helping my wife through some difficult health issues, she asked me to consider changing the verb form I was using. She suggested that I consider serving as opposed to helping. Helping suggests that they are “helpless.” It defined the relationship in a manner that didn’t seem healthy to me. That was the exact moment and message I needed to hear. It resonated well with me. Since that time I have tried to lead my life serving others. I have also expanded the concept by adding the words with integrity.
As you might guess, it is easier to say than it is to do. I remain convinced that serving with integrity is the best way to move through this life. It is a constant struggle to remember that serving is the preferred way to interact with others. It has been helpful in my private life as well as my teaching life.
The next part of this view of the world is to also care about others. When we are truly concerned about their welfare we will tend to do those things that will enhance their well-being. We will take the time to be genuinely concerned about what is happening in their lives.
You may have some way of describing what success means to you. It can run the gamut of ideas from untold riches to personal happiness. In real estate sales it can mean a certain number of transaction closings to a certain dollar amount of annual production. Regardless of your definition of success, you are much more likely to achieve it when you decide to serve with integrity and care about those you serve. Think about it. Think of how changing your method of meeting the world can be of value to you and to the world you meet.
In real estate statistics show that a preponderance of transactions (75%) come from referrals. If that is the case, then it makes a lot of sense to take the necessary steps to use that fact to help you in your business. Here is where serving and caring about those you serve comes in. Those licensees who are successful usually point to the number of referrals they get. They have usually learned to serve well.
The interesting thing about this type of service is that when the licensee maintains contact with past customers and clients, they never raise the issue of real estate. They wait for the customer/client to do that. The contact that is made is more concerned with the life of the customer/client than with real estate. Customers/clients know what the licensee does for a living. They do not have to be reminded.
These contacts are examples of serving and caring. Those licensees who follow this methodology are expanding their business. They are also improving their success as a serving, caring human being. They tend to operate from a positive perspective. They are learning first hand that what you give is what you get. Their success is commensurate with their serving and caring.
Jack’s Nugget: Serve well! You are invited to visit this web site to contribute to this concept. Serve with integrity
Take me back to the Directions page:
Sunday, January 08, 2006
Chapter Six: We Are All Responsible For The Outcome
“Well, that didn’t turn out quite like I expected.” “Why did they have to act that way?” Are these familiar phrases to you? If I haven’t uttered them, I’ve thought them. All of us want to live in a “perfect” world. At some time we realize that we cannot put the world around us into the order that we prefer. We want to be able to count on people responding to us in pleasing, agreeable ways. We prefer to have little or no conflict in our lives. If we believe that this can become a way of life, we have entered the wishful thinking zone.
Everyday we find ourselves in a variety of interactions at work, play, or school. They all involve interpersonal relationships. We usually don’t take the time to realize that we respond differently to different people. There are times when the outcome is favorable. There are times when it is not. Most of the time we just interact and take what comes from the interaction. When we are not pleased with the outcome it is easier to blame the other person than to take a closer look at how we contributed to the outcome.
Whenever two or more people are engaged in an interaction (e.g., exchanging comments on the weather, deciding whether to marry, robbing a bank, planning a city park, or deciding on what to eat for lunch, etc.) they all share the responsibility for its outcome. It is the result of sharing personal power. Most of us never question this. If the outcome is favorable to us, we rejoice that everything is AOK. If it is not, we lament our poor lot in life and blame the others for being so shortsighted. We are usually too wrapped up in the “content” of the situation to consider its “process”. However, it is the very process that is at the root of most relationship problems.
It is so easy to slip into the “blaming others” mode. When we do we are automatically giving them power over us. We have relinquished our personal power to the other. However, when the gun is at your head, you do what you are told. The heroics can come later after the justifiable hysteria and panic.
In most situations, we would all be better served if we took time to analyze our own feelings and behaviors. Do we look forward to being in the company of the other, or are we nauseated at the mere suggestion that we will have to interact with that person? The latter is a sure sign that we have given up our personal power. At no time should we accept abuse from, nor give abuse to anyone. There are numerous examples of people abusing others. Perhaps that is why some reality TV shows are so popular. The best way to avoid abuse is to treat others with dignity. To that end, we must first treat ourselves with dignity. It is when we truly respect and love ourselves, that we can treat others in the same manner.
So, what do we make of all of this? We cannot change others. We can only change ourselves. That can be very frustrating, because then we might have to make some serious changes. Such change can be painfully difficult. Most of our behaviors have been necessary for our survival at some time. They have become habits. Habits are difficult, but not impossible, to break.
We must examine our lives to determine how we got to this place in time and space. Introspection is helpful. It is the method to discover those behaviors that no longer provide the protection they once did. We create our own dilemmas by behaving in established ways that have become outdated. The good news is we can change them whenever we wish.
We begin the change by examining our lives, determining what is not working for us and develop new mechanisms for interacting. It is important to realize that there may be occasions when we can use the assistance of a trained professional. An appropriate guide can be invaluable. Take comfort in this concept, when you need one, the guide will appear.
Jack’s Nugget: I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I must act accordingly.
Take me back to the Directions page:
Everyday we find ourselves in a variety of interactions at work, play, or school. They all involve interpersonal relationships. We usually don’t take the time to realize that we respond differently to different people. There are times when the outcome is favorable. There are times when it is not. Most of the time we just interact and take what comes from the interaction. When we are not pleased with the outcome it is easier to blame the other person than to take a closer look at how we contributed to the outcome.
Whenever two or more people are engaged in an interaction (e.g., exchanging comments on the weather, deciding whether to marry, robbing a bank, planning a city park, or deciding on what to eat for lunch, etc.) they all share the responsibility for its outcome. It is the result of sharing personal power. Most of us never question this. If the outcome is favorable to us, we rejoice that everything is AOK. If it is not, we lament our poor lot in life and blame the others for being so shortsighted. We are usually too wrapped up in the “content” of the situation to consider its “process”. However, it is the very process that is at the root of most relationship problems.
It is so easy to slip into the “blaming others” mode. When we do we are automatically giving them power over us. We have relinquished our personal power to the other. However, when the gun is at your head, you do what you are told. The heroics can come later after the justifiable hysteria and panic.
In most situations, we would all be better served if we took time to analyze our own feelings and behaviors. Do we look forward to being in the company of the other, or are we nauseated at the mere suggestion that we will have to interact with that person? The latter is a sure sign that we have given up our personal power. At no time should we accept abuse from, nor give abuse to anyone. There are numerous examples of people abusing others. Perhaps that is why some reality TV shows are so popular. The best way to avoid abuse is to treat others with dignity. To that end, we must first treat ourselves with dignity. It is when we truly respect and love ourselves, that we can treat others in the same manner.
So, what do we make of all of this? We cannot change others. We can only change ourselves. That can be very frustrating, because then we might have to make some serious changes. Such change can be painfully difficult. Most of our behaviors have been necessary for our survival at some time. They have become habits. Habits are difficult, but not impossible, to break.
We must examine our lives to determine how we got to this place in time and space. Introspection is helpful. It is the method to discover those behaviors that no longer provide the protection they once did. We create our own dilemmas by behaving in established ways that have become outdated. The good news is we can change them whenever we wish.
We begin the change by examining our lives, determining what is not working for us and develop new mechanisms for interacting. It is important to realize that there may be occasions when we can use the assistance of a trained professional. An appropriate guide can be invaluable. Take comfort in this concept, when you need one, the guide will appear.
Jack’s Nugget: I am responsible for my thoughts, feelings and behaviors. I must act accordingly.
Take me back to the Directions page:
Saturday, January 07, 2006
Chapter Seven: Kids Move, Make Noise, And Are Curious
It is easier to get along with younger children when you remember that their primary goal is to grow to adulthood. To do that they move, they make noise, and they are curious. Whenever you have the opportunity to observe young children you will notice most of them are doing all or a combination of these three activities. Even as they reach maturity they will continue these three activities. To help them achieve their goal help them channel these activities. Remember your childhood. Didn’t you move, make noise and get into all sorts of predicaments? As we grew and learned about the consequences of our actions we learned to control our actions.
As children grow and increase in size an interesting phenomenon occurs, energy is released. There is some rule/law in physics that supports this contention. Since that is true, then it is unreasonable to expect them to be still most of the time. At the same time they are exploring their environments. Their primary mission is to learn about that environment so they can survive. This is a noisy proposition most of the time.
In my work as a real estate licensee I have had the pleasure of helping families sell their homes. In most instances mom and dad have told the children that the family is going to move, and that is about all the children are told. This is usually true when the children are younger than nine. When I arrived to discuss the sale of the home the children were always curious about who I was and why I was there. As usual they exhibited those three traits of children--moving, making noise, and being curious. The parents would request/demand/order that they go somewhere else so they wouldn’t be a bother. Most parents do this, because they don’t want the children to be a bother, and they don’t want to miss anything. This is an important time for them.
I discovered that if I make the children part of the team they will soon tire of what I am doing and go off to seek other adventures. I inform the parents that the children are not a bother. I will need the children to help me. When I take room measurements I do it the old fashioned way with a tape measure. I then ask the children if they want to help. They are usually eager to do so. It is helpful to look the children in the eye when asking them to be a part of the team. I get down on one knee and carefully explain what we are going to do and how they can help. I ask them to take the end of the tape measure to the wall and hold it until I tell them to drop it. If there is more than one child I assign each of them a turn. This keeps them from fighting about it. I also show them how fast the steel tape retracts into its carrying case. I warn them to be sure to drop it when I ask. This instruction is necessary so that they don’t hurt themselves or get blood on my tape measure.
I usually start with their bedrooms. This lets them know they are special. They usually stay with me for one or two rooms before their curiosity is satisfied and they want to find something more interesting to do.
This technique has been helpful for me. It is not something everyone is comfortable doing or wants to do. If you are not at ease with children then do not do this. If you have physical difficulties then don’t do it. It is a way that the children’s natural curiosity can be satisfied and their dignity protected. It is a great way to show them they are of value. Parents are more likely to realize that you are truly interested in assisting them in the sale of their property. It is another way to serve others. Besides, you have enlisted an ally. The children may ask; “When is Mr. Real Estate coming back?” This type of interaction will also have the added benefit of garnering future business. You are more likely to gain referrals for future business when you serve others is in this manner.
Knowing that children exhibit these behaviors, it is easier to accommodate them. Providing them opportunities to practice them with parental supervision.
Jack’s Nugget: Kids are people too. They deserve respect.
Take me back to the Directions page:
As children grow and increase in size an interesting phenomenon occurs, energy is released. There is some rule/law in physics that supports this contention. Since that is true, then it is unreasonable to expect them to be still most of the time. At the same time they are exploring their environments. Their primary mission is to learn about that environment so they can survive. This is a noisy proposition most of the time.
In my work as a real estate licensee I have had the pleasure of helping families sell their homes. In most instances mom and dad have told the children that the family is going to move, and that is about all the children are told. This is usually true when the children are younger than nine. When I arrived to discuss the sale of the home the children were always curious about who I was and why I was there. As usual they exhibited those three traits of children--moving, making noise, and being curious. The parents would request/demand/order that they go somewhere else so they wouldn’t be a bother. Most parents do this, because they don’t want the children to be a bother, and they don’t want to miss anything. This is an important time for them.
I discovered that if I make the children part of the team they will soon tire of what I am doing and go off to seek other adventures. I inform the parents that the children are not a bother. I will need the children to help me. When I take room measurements I do it the old fashioned way with a tape measure. I then ask the children if they want to help. They are usually eager to do so. It is helpful to look the children in the eye when asking them to be a part of the team. I get down on one knee and carefully explain what we are going to do and how they can help. I ask them to take the end of the tape measure to the wall and hold it until I tell them to drop it. If there is more than one child I assign each of them a turn. This keeps them from fighting about it. I also show them how fast the steel tape retracts into its carrying case. I warn them to be sure to drop it when I ask. This instruction is necessary so that they don’t hurt themselves or get blood on my tape measure.
I usually start with their bedrooms. This lets them know they are special. They usually stay with me for one or two rooms before their curiosity is satisfied and they want to find something more interesting to do.
This technique has been helpful for me. It is not something everyone is comfortable doing or wants to do. If you are not at ease with children then do not do this. If you have physical difficulties then don’t do it. It is a way that the children’s natural curiosity can be satisfied and their dignity protected. It is a great way to show them they are of value. Parents are more likely to realize that you are truly interested in assisting them in the sale of their property. It is another way to serve others. Besides, you have enlisted an ally. The children may ask; “When is Mr. Real Estate coming back?” This type of interaction will also have the added benefit of garnering future business. You are more likely to gain referrals for future business when you serve others is in this manner.
Knowing that children exhibit these behaviors, it is easier to accommodate them. Providing them opportunities to practice them with parental supervision.
Jack’s Nugget: Kids are people too. They deserve respect.
Take me back to the Directions page:
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