You complete me

Wow! what a night...I just got back from the Brian Regan show at the Hippodrome and I was blown away. Regan dropped a funny bomb on Baltimore - one they will not soon forget. This was the 4th time I'd seen him live; I own both his CD and DVD as well as his comedy central half hour special. Still, I would say 60% of his jokes were brand new to me and he did an hour and a half! Amazing. How do you cultivate that much material...all of it gold? the answer: raw talent and 25 years devoted to the craft. the guy is incredible and I guarantee you there are 2,000 people in Baltimore who will back me on that.

The best part of the night was that I actually got to meet Brian! As mentioned in my previous blog, my pal Justin Schlegel is really cool and knows people. He got us hooked up and we were able to talk to Brian after the show. To my delight, Brian is exactly what I thought he would be; one of the nicest, most gracious individuals I have ever met...he's also pretty tall. He told Justin and I that he started performing comedy in 1981 and didn't hit the road until after 2 1/2 years of honing his act. After 3 years on the road, he moved to New York and soon after became the legend we know today.

So many times, I grow too impatient. Rather than focus on working harder at cultivating my act, I continually monitor my progress and grow restless. I need to remind myself that I do this because it's fun and I enjoy it. I am still learning what makes me funny on stage, how I should present material, how to connect with an audience...This is not a race, it's a journey and I need to enjoy it and remember why I started in the first place.

After tonight, I've never been so sure about what I want to do with my life. I want to make people laugh. When I think about it, that's all I've ever wanted.

I am happy

I am happy today. Tonight I am going to see Brian Regan at Baltimore's Hippodrome Theatre. My pal Justin Schlegel scored some tix to the show because he is cool and well liked and knows cool people who have connections and stuff. Knowing that I am a huge Brian Regan fan, Justin invited me and my wife to accompany him. I love Justin. This is huge folks.

Brian Regan is one of the main reasons why I do stand up. I am a fan of comedy and love many comedians but no one makes me laugh harder than Regan. The first time I saw him, I thought to myself, "I could do that..." So I tried stand up and soon realized I couldn't. He makes comedy seem so easy because he takes simple topics and spins them into hilarity. That is what genius comics do; they make it seem so effortless.

I could go on forever here but that could get really annoying so I'll stop. Tomorrow, I will supply a full report of tonight's adventure. In the meantime, check out Brian's website www.brianregan.com. If you don't think he's funny, that's fine...just don't tell me about it. If you do, I'll stop talking to you for 48 hours. After that, we will resume our relationship and I will have forgiven you...but I'll never forget.

If you don't believe me, I'll give you an example. February 9th 2005, Grapevine Bar and Grill, Fredericksburg, Virginia. Ryan Conner, Herbie Gill, and myself were discussing our favorite comedians. Ryan (www.ryanconnercomedy.com) and I both mentioned how much we liked Brian Regan; Herbie disagreed by saying, "...that face he makes is annoying..." Herbie (www.herbiegill.com), if you're reading this, please know that I love you and I actually forgave you well before the mandatory 48 hour waiting period...but as you can see, I didn't forget.

Carlisle

This past weekend, I performed in Carlisle, PA at Red Devil Pizza. I had heard some horror stories from other comedians so I was fully prepared to bomb...and I did. Things actually looked better than I expected upon arrival. There was a small crowd but the room was tiny so I thought the laughter may spread quickly throughout the establishment...I was wrong. There was no MC so I took the stage cold and made the mistake of going right into material. I tried everything and nothing registered - I just talked to a sea...a creek, of blank stares. I don't know if they didn't get the jokes, didn't think they were funny, or thought they were funny but did not feel like laughing. I think it was probably a combination of all three and made for an uncomfortable beginning.

After 10 minutes of bombing, I gave up and just started talking to the crowd, they were mildly amused. We talked about Carlisle, relationships, and on-line dating. At one point, I took a poll from the audience as to how many had used an on-line dating service. To my suprise, Carlisle is very internet friendly. Quite a number of the patrons had used on-line dating and several at the bar began debating over which website was the best. I politely waited for them to finish their discussion, which last about 90 seconds, and then continued eating my balls. There was a table of college kids in the front row who talked during my entire set and then got up and left right before I finished - I wanted to punch every single one of them in the face.

Finally, I had enough and introduced the headliner, Dave Goldstein www.davegoldstein.com. He actually performed for nearly an hour which was completely amazing to me. He did much better than me and had moments where the audience was laughing at his jokes, not just because a farting noise was heard from the men's room (which was right next to the stage so every time someone had to use it, which was every 5 minutes, that person would walk right in front of the comedian). He was a super nice guy and told me an interesting story. Apparently, 5-7 years ago, Dave worked with Lewis Black at Tracy's Comedy Club http://www.tracyscomedyclub.homestead.com/index.html. No offence to Tracy's, it's a fine club and I have worked there, but it's not the Comedy Cellar. That should be a reminder to all young comedians, you never know...

Part of being a good communicator is being a good listener

I just had a very frustrating conversation with Pearl Vision, here is the situation:

Two weeks ago I had an eye exam where my eye doctor prescribed a new type of contact lens which allows "60%" more oxygen to the eye. I have used the old contacts for 10 years and enjoy them but am always open to new ideas and technologies. I ordered a 6 month supply but after using them for two weeks, I decided I don't like them and would like to exchange them for my old ones. Here is the conversation with the lady who I will call idiot: (my thoughts are inside the paranthesis)

Idiot: Hello, Pearl Vision, my name is idiot.

Me: Hi idiot, my name is Jon Mumma. Dr. Espejo recommended a new contact lens for me and I ordered a 6-month supply but my eyes aren't adjusting to them so I was wondering if I could exchange them for my old ones?

Idiot: How many months supply did you order?

Me: (I just told you) 6-months

Idiot: You'll need to have Dr. Espejo write a new prescription for you.

Me: I just had an eye exam two weeks ago.

Idiot: I know that but he'll need to write a new prescription.

Me: Why would he need to write a new prescription? It's the same prescription I've had for 10 years?

Idiot: Well...I'll need to check your file. What's your name?

Me: Jon Mumma. Thats M as in mother, U, M as in mother, M as in mother, A. Mumma.

Idiot: Miller?

Me: (Losing my patience) No. M as in mother, U, M as in mother, M as in mother, A. Mumma.

Idiot: oh, moooa...

Me: (Growing irritable) Mumma!

Idiot: ok. I'm going to check your file. Can you give me a telephone number so I can call you right back?

Me: Sure. 301.770.3188

Idiot: Are you at that number right now?

Me: (No, this is my aunt's number, I stay there once a year) ... Yes.

Idiot: Ok. I'll call you back.

10 minutes elapse...phone rings

Me: Hello

Idiot: J Miller?

Me: (close enough...I don't even care anymore) Yes.

Idiot: Ok. I ordered a 6-month supply of your old contacts, you can exchange your current supply.

Me: Will you call me when they arrive?

Idiot: Yes, I will call you.

Me: (I'd rather you not) Sounds good. Thanks.

What's the deductible?

I was just talking to a co-worker and we were discussing his kids and how they get injured often. I started recalling all the injuries my brother and I sustained growing up and it seems fairly substantial, here are the results:

2 broken hands
1 broken toe
1 broken collerbone
1 fractured orbital bone
1 fractured cheekbone
1 compound fractured facial bone
2 broken noses
laceration to the lower leg - 15 stitches
laceration to the chin - 5 stitches
laceration to the same chin - 8 stitches
laceration to the top of the head - 5 stitches
lacerations to the face - 150+ stitches
foot impaled by construction nail - 3 stitches
foot impaled by lead pencil - tetanus shot
torn labrum - surgury required
2 plastic surgeries to face
damaged retina - acorn throwing accident
several mild concussions
severe burns to hand - pipe bomb explosion

These are the only ones I can think of right now but there may be a few more. This seems like a lot but maybe all kids get hurt often.

I love you too

Due to some scheduling issues, I was able to Feature at the Baltimore Comedy Factory this weekend. Even better than that, I got to work with one of my favorite comics - Jim Marsdale. Jim has a certain aura about him that is just undeniable...a true professional. I took over for him for the midnight show and did my best to make him proud. It was a very small crowd and they were drunk and not really in the mood to have a good time. I took the stage and did some crowd work to get started; everything was going fine. Then, I made my first mistake, I tried to tell a joke. The crowd was not pleased with this and responded with complete silence. After joke number two tanked, I decided to skip the funny and go right to conversation. Conveniently, I got to talk to everyone in the audience since there were only thirteen of them and that made it easy to pick them out. From then on, everything went fine and we started the show. Joe Robinson, who is a good friend of mine, was the feature for the evening and battled the beligerent crowd for a good 20 minutes. PJ Walsh, who is a friend of headliner Reno Collier, performed a 10 minute guest set and did well. After PJ, another good friend Justin Schlegel, performed a 10 minute guest set and did well also. Finally, Reno took the stage and finished out the show...and we were all happy to call it a night.

A funny thing happened while Reno was on stage. While using the urinal, the guy next to me started a conversation. First of all, I'm not a big fan of conversations with strange people while urinating. As a general rule, I like to end the pee session before we get acquainted. Apparently, this guy did not feel the same way. he went on to tell me the show "sucked" and he didn't think we were funny. I asked him if he thought anyone was funny and he replied that PJ Walsh was "OK." I told him I wished he had more fun and that I tried my best to make everyone laugh. He responded by saying, "I'll be honest, I don't think you're funny...lemme me buy you a shot." Wow, tell me how you really feel. I couldn't help but be a little insulted by his statement. I realize you've been drinking but come on man, show a little restraint. So we did the shot and then we did another because it seemed like the right thing to do. In any case, the alcohol quickly washed the sting away and I ended up making a friend. Honestly, it was no big deal. While I would personally never say that to someone, I realize this guy was not purposely trying to offend me so I sucked it up. That's one reason why I love comedy, it strengthens you. There was a time when that comment would have really affected me, not so much anymore...I actually laughed at it. Comedy has taught me to believe in myself and be happy with who I am while realizing not everyone is going to appreciate me.

After the show, I got to meet and hang out with some of Mr. Marsdale's friends. Bobby "big business" Thompson, Clint Northrup, Randy Wagman, Winston McSherry, and Terry Butler. They were all very cool guys and were easy to talk to, especially since we all share a passion for Jim's work. I actually got some great pictures with them; check out my photos page on my website.

On saturday night, I featured for all three shows and had a blast. Joe Robinson MC'd and was fantastic as usual. He really is a great MC and his brother looks just like John Denver, which I've mentioned in previous blogs. All three shows went great and the late show, although it was the smallest crowd, was the most fun. Reno Collier crushed all three shows and drank about 47 miller lites in 5 hours. He is a super nice guy and it was an absolute pleasure to work with him. It really was one of my most fun nights of comedy. Thank you Baltimore!

Cocaine

I just picked up this pamphlet at my work's nurses station; it talks about the dangers and risks of using cocaine. It outlines the physical harm cocaine can cause a person's body as well as the social and legal ramifications of using the drug. I often browse through pamphlets such as these not just out of curiosity but also for learning purposes. Personally, I choose to be drug free...unless you consider bacon a drug, in which case I am an addict. Anywho, I was learning about the risks associated with cocaine:

- destroys personal relationships
- creates serious legal problems
- drains bank accounts
- can ruin careers
- threatens health
- may claim your life

While I agree with all of these and enjoyed the information, I feel as though the illustration on the cover is misleading. If you study the picture, you will clearly see that if you take cocaine, you will become very cold and a lighting bolt will strike the earth causing it to split into two pieces. I'm confused by this; I've never heard of this happening from cocaine use. If it did, I think there would be non-cocaine users who would be eager to try the drug simply because they are curious as to whether the earth really will split into two pieces and they will grow cold and shiver. I think we're sending the wrong message here; some people who are surly and unhappy with life may try the drug because they would like to see the earth split into two pieces just so they would then only have to hang out with half of the earth inhabitants.

Honestly, I believe in my heart that this is just a poor illustration. Still, I think we need to QC these brochures before they reach the public; come on Channing L. Bete Co., Inc...you're better than that.

The weekend

On Friday night I performed at a comedy showcase at Regional Food and Drink in Chinatown. The crowd was too small to really feel like you were performing stand-up but some of my friends came out to watch and that made it really fun. I did about 17 minutes of what may have been described as "mildly entertaining." I did some jokes but mostly I just talked about how gay the lighting system was, the oddity of performing below a shelf that contained two broken TVs (one Sanyo, one Panasonic), and the strangest public restroom I'd ever seen.

I talked to the crowd quite a bit and asked a couple about themselves, here's how the conversation went;

Me - Are you two married?
Couple - Yes
Me - To dude; what do you do for a living?
Dude - Nothing...
Me - You don't work?
Dude - No, she does (points to his wife)
Me - How nice, what do you do for a living moneybags? (Looking at wife)
Wife - I don't work either...

I'm not going to list the rest of the conversation, here are my thoughts;

Obviously these two are lying. If she doesn't work, why did you point to her and say she did? They are both jobless but can afford the $7 cover charge and overpriced appetizers? They saved up for a night on the town at RFD to watch a comedy show with 4 other people? I don't buy it. I've seen this before, audience members are afraid you'll make fun of them so they refuse to have a normal conversation and just lie about whatever you ask them. Well if you're embarrassed by your occupation, why not just make one up since you are already lying to me? Instead, you made yourself seem even more ridiculous by letting everyone know you are both jobless and weird.

Saturday night, I performed at a charity event at the Chamber of Commerce. I don't know if you would call it "performing" though. I was the auctioneer for a live auction and ended up auctioning about 30 items which took close to an hour to finish. I literally made no preparations for the event...that was a mistake. There were about 500 people there and it was VERY formal. The brought me up to the podium and I tried to get the crowd's attention, it didn't work. I'm used to people talking during my sets so I just plowed through the first two auction items, expecting the crowd would settle down - they didn't. I was told I had to get the crowd to listen and needed to talk louder. This was a problem since I was already losing my voice (can't explain why). Finally, after halting the auction for their cooperation, the crowd quieted and began listening. Now I had to get them interested in the auction, here's what I came up with;

Item: autographed Lance Armstrong helmet and book

Me: Let's start the bidding at $200. I have $200, now $250, $300 in the back, now $350, back to you $400, $450, I have $500...how bout $550...$550...do I have $550..."PEOPLE, THE MAN HAS ONE TESTICLE!!

The words just shot out of my mouth without asking my brain if it was a good idea. Can you say awkward? This was like the 3rd item and I've got 27 more to go! Good thinking Jon, way to use your head. To my amazement, a good portion of the crowd actually enjoyed it and the bid went up to $750...I think. For the rest of the show, I was on cruise control and had a blast. It was a good lesson for me; just be yourself and have fun. I like people who are genuine and I've got to believe others feel the same way. Be yourself...and reference Lance Armstrong's testicles whenever possible.

On Sunday, my touch football team had its first game of the spring season. I've played on this team for 5 years now and I like most of the guys on the team. As for the team itself, I find it incredibly frustrating to play for them. Talent wise, I've only seen a few other teams with as much athletic ability as ours, yet we continue to remain mediocre. This past fall we didn't make the playoffs and we lost on Sunday...badly. The problem with this team is the same problem every other underachieving sports team has; too many chiefs, not enough Indians. If you found that racist and you shouldn't...I'm not apologizing. I love that phrase.

Here is why my team will never be great;

1. We have play cards but for some reason we run the same play over and over again and then as soon as we start losing, we abandon the play cards and just start making shit up. The cards are there for a reason, we should probably use them.

2. During every offensive huddle, at least 3 guys are calling for the ball and the QB will cave and just do what the loudest person is saying. That's a good strategy...keeps things balanced.

3. There are people on the team that everyone complains about but the coach doesn't do anything to remedy the situation. Grow a testicle and take control of the team (that was a callback to the Lance Armstrong reference earlier, ZINGER).

Just about everyone on the team has played in high school or college so they all know how to play. They just don't know how to win and they never will. I play wide receiver and finished the game with 0 catches and was thrown to 0 times. Regardless, I was completely gassed by the end and extrememely sore. The reason for this is simple; I play 100% on every down. I willingly block, I run off DB's, I sell out every play even when I know the ball isn't coming my way...which is every down. I'm the Hines Ward of touch football, minus the athletic ability, infectious personality, and overall skill.

Well, I think I've covered everything here; I've complained, I've bragged, I've self-deprecated...that does it.

Point Break

I have had Comcast On Demand for nearly a year now and it's pretty cool I guess; I like NFL Total Access, HBO specials, and all the movies. But, I really don't have a whole lot of free time so I watch very little TV, plus when I do watch On Demand, I just end up watching movies I could have watched on basic cable.

Last night, I noticed Point Break was available and I simply couldn't resist even though I actually own the movie myself and I have watched it a minimum of 137 times. How retarded is this...I pay for On Demand so I can watch movies I already own? Honestly, I don't regret the decision and will probably watch it again since it's playing all month. Point Break is good cinema. I don't care who you are, if you are channel surfing and discover Point Break is on TNT, you're watching it, no questions asked. The reason why it is so good is the same reason Roadhouse is incredible, Patrick Swayze. Personally though, James Dalton couldn't hold a candle to Bodhi. Sure, both characters have great hair, but Bodhi has that certain...I don't know what… that makes him irresistible.

In addition, Keanu Reeves adds some poignant one liners and Lori Petty smatters the film with just enough trashiness to make it sexy. It’s also the funniest movie I've ever seen except for "What about Bob." I laughed like an idiot last night, particularly when special agent Johnny Utah (Keanu Reeves) yells at Swayze, "Reality check Bodie! I am an FBI agent!" I replayed that scene 20 times and it never got old. The fact that Keanu Reeves is so bad at acting makes him adorable. He's trying so hard and I think he truly is proud of his work and that makes him hilarious.

Another great scene is when Bodhi and Utah take on War Child, Bunker Wise, and Anthony Keidis in fisticuffs. After they destroy them, Bodhi explains to Utah that "...those guys never get the spiritual side of the [sea]." I haven't even mentioned the fact that Gary Busey is in the movie. That alone makes it a must see since Gary Busey is psychotic and also a genius.

Some movies are terrible and awesome at the same time and Point Break is one of them. Roadhouse is another and Rambo; First Blood definitely makes the list. I vote it one of my 5 favorite movies without batting an eye. If anyone reads these things and would like to add a movie to the "terrible but awesome list," email me or leave a comment; I'd like to compile a list of these types of movies. Do yourselves a favor and discover heaven all over again...watch Point Break.

The Sign

This morning I sat down and began eating my usual breakfast consisting of 5 eggwhites, oatmeal, and an apple. I knew something was different though...what was it? Then it hit me, I had brought a thermos to work! I brought a thermos to work without even considering the ramifications. I'm old. The only people who bring thermoses to work are old office people. The only thing that could save me in this situation is that there is not soup in the thermos; its dunkin donuts coffee. I like dunkin donuts coffee and there is no dunkin donuts coffee near my work and the cafeterial coffee is wretched. Plus, the thermos is rather modern looking, with a sleek, stainless steel design. At least I didn't bring in one of those huge plastic thermoses with the big swinging handle and the screw in top that doubles as a soup bowl when you flip it over. Still, I realize that this thermos incident defines me as a complete tool. Minutes after I realized my blunder, my co-worker dropped by and the first words out of his mouth were, "hey man...what's up with the thermos?" Totally busted. Now I don't know what to do because I like the thermos. Basically, the thermos represents the rest of my life. When I drink from it, its like looking into my future and I'll be honest, its a little scary. I can fight it all I want but until I get out of this cubicle, I'm staring fate right in the face.

you know what...I don't care, I've made a decision. I'm keeping the thermos.

Set List of the Week

This is the "Set List" of the week. I found this one at an open mic at Topaz Hotel. Notice the word "gay" is used in 3 out of 10 jokes on this set list, that makes it 30% gay...not a bad percentage. As always, you are playing for a reward; homepage exposure on my website and a Bobby Collins headshot. To view the Bobby Collins headshot, go to my website www.jonmumma.com. Give me your answer by commenting on this blog. Good luck readers.

Johns Hopkins...smart, awkward, racist...

Last night I had the pleasure of hosting the DC Improv's funniest college competition at Johns Hopkins University. Judging the competition were comedians Frank Hong and Ryan Conner as well as Event Organizer Allyson Jaffe from the DC Improv. Let's go right to the action:

Allyson introduced me and I took the stage filled with hope and good intentions. Jokes number one through three were immediately met with lackluster response from the crowd of pre-med students. Realizing the futility of the situation I decided to try some brand new jokes which actually went over pretty well. Then I went back to the bread and butter and slowly began feeding myself the stink burger that apparently I had ordered unknowingly. Looking into the blank faces of these kids made me feel awkward and annoyed. For the first time in my comedy career, I decided to get even. "If you guys want to make this thing awkward, then let's go all the way," I thought to myself. I stopped talking, chose a student from the audience and stared at her for about 45 seconds. No words were spoken....nothing. The only thing I heard was Ryan Conner's cackle from the back of the room. I've never been more satisfied in my entire life. I sensed the students were uncomfortable. This wasn't comedy...this was payback. I demanded complete silence; I got it, and I loved it. I probably should have felt like a douche, but I didn't. What I felt was complete peace...it was beautiful.

Finally, I broke the stare and started the competition. The most amazing thing about the performers were that half of them were pre-med and they kept defaulting to racial stereotypes. At one point, I believe three performers referenced "black people eating fried chicken and watermelon" consecutively...and one of them was actually black. Other popular topics included; Asian men being short and having small penises, calling white people "crackers," and pandas are hard to understand because they speak korean.. In a way I suppose it was sort of refreshing to see a diverse student body unafraid to talk about such things...either that or they just watch entirely too much Carlos Mencia. In any case, the kids were fun and some a few of them actually had good material. The winner was Ashwin Bhandiwad. He was clever and had a well crafted five minutes.

To finish the show, the students were treated to the comedic stylings of Ryan Conner and Frank Hong. They were both funny and did well although the students were a bit tired at the point. This was pretty much my fault because I insisted on blabbing and being obnoxious between every performers set and this caused the show to run a tad long. Anywho, looking back I think it's kind of odd that Johns Hopkins was allowed to participate in the "District's Funniest College Competition," seeing as how Johns Hopkins is in Baltimore. If I were a student at Baltimore's School of Massage, I'd feel slighted.