So I started writing this in April and didn't finish until now.  Oops.  Here is an update of the most eventful year of my life!


April/May:

Went to Holland Happening for the fist time in several years.  This is a cultural fest in my hometown that I LOVED participating in each year.  I was so happy to finally be able to go again.  We met up with the cousins at the parade and enjoyed walking around the street fair.  They have a stage with different cultural dancing.  It was fun to watch until they had a group of young girls doing cheerleader-type dancing.  Now there is nothing wrong with that... except then they started dancing to some very sexy music which completely appauled me.  These girls were between the ages of 6-12 and it was just too much.

Shortly after Holland Happening one of my little cousins (and by little cousins I mean my cousin's kids) got sick.  Really sick.  She had to go to the Chidren's Hospital for a few days.  She was quarentined in a room so her parents couldn't take their other 2 kids in the room with her.  I went down to help them out for a couple of days.  It turned out to be a blessing in disguise that I wasn't working.  Thanks to the miracle of modern medicine my little cousin had a speedy recovery.  I couldn't believe that just a few days earlier we were having fun at Holland Happening and then she got sick so fast.

I also started 2 new jobs.  Yup.  While I had one lined up and I was waiting forever and ever for the State to do a background check I got a job offer for anther one that I had the option of doing just one day a week.  I decided to go for it.  At first it was hard to juggle the scheduling for both of them, but in the end it all worked out.  I kind of like having two jobs that are flexible like these are.  It also helps me feel more secure knowing that if one of them doesn't work out I can pick more hours up at the other one.

June-September:
We had lots of home studies and lots of waiting for the licensor to do paperwork.  It took forever for us to get our foster parenting license and we grew very frustrated during the process.  One of my new jobs is supervising and transporting foster children to their visits with their parents.  I was surprised at how much I could connect with the parents and how badly I found myself wanted them to make the choices and lifestyle changes they needed to do to get their kids back.  I am really glad I got to see that side of things before becoming a foster parent.

October/November:
We got a phone call asking if we could get a placement before we even knew we had our license!  It was for a beautiful 3 year old girl that we were supposed to have for 3 days.  Long story short we had her for 5 months, and I don't think we could have loved her more.  She filled my empty, aching heart and healed my broken heart.   After the first 3 weeks with her we took in her 7 year old sister (still not knowing how long this would be).  The 7 year old sister was a handful to say the least with a lot of problems.  Sister was an intelligent bright spirit with a lifetime of problems.  We got everything from her from racism to school suspension and everything in between.  We still saw her amazingly good side though.  One moment she would be the most wonderful, fun, smart kid and the next she'd be a terror.  It soon became evident that we couldn't give her what she needed.  That was hard too because we could see exactly what she needed but we knew we couldn't give it her...not with me working full time and not as inexperienced parents.  She began telling us how much she hated us and then started telling her Social Worker that she wanted to go somewhere else.  We were ok with with that.  It took awhile but eventually they found a really great home for her that could give her exactly what she needed and away she went.  That was tough.  It was like I was proving to myself that I wasn't good enough to be a parent (which I have believed for the past 3 years anyway-because really-if God wanted me to have a child-he could do it.  It would be an easy miracle for him to fix my body enough to be able to conceive.  The reason I don't have a child is because God doesn't want me to have one-for whatever reason).  After a lot of prayer I came to understand that I'm under no obligation to take care of these children.  I would not be disrupting God's plan for this child by letting her leave our home.  And I even came to understand that I just because I couldn't have my own children did not mean I would be under obligation to raise somebody else's.  While it was good of me to care for the child it was not my responsibility to do so.   A lot of things could have changed that whole scenario.  One huge thing was that I got sick-the sickest I'd ever been in my whole life.  And the first time that I really, really wished I had health insurance.  First I was diagnosed with pnuemonia and when I didn't get better I was diagnosed with asthmatic broncitis.  It was a couple of months before I could breath normally again.  Had I not been sick-that could have changed things.  If we'd had the glimmer of hope of an adoption that could have changed things (the girls were Native American and we're not...so basically we're not good enough to adopt Native Americans).

Before the move Russ sat her down and told her she is very smart and very pretty.  Russ told her there are a lot of things she needs that she can't get with us.  He told her we will always care about her.  The day of the move she threw a big fit and told us she hates us.  A few hours later she sent us a text message from her Social Workers phone saying that she's sorry and she really does love us.  We got to visit her a few times after that and they were always a postive experience.

After big sister moved the plan was for little sister to follow in a few weeks.  Well, that was the plan, but then it seemed like that wouldn't be the best thing for both of the girls for awhile.  I decided to pour out all the love I had on her for the little amount of time that was left (however long that would be).  We had the option to keep her loner (keep her longer but never, ever adopt her- oh, and the tribe could decide at any second that they didn't want her with us and take her away with a second's notice).  We wanted to.  We loved her.  She called us mamma and daddy (oh, and it felt SO good to be called mamma and daddy.  SO good.  It's like a drug to be called mamma and daddy.  That's why people like us will waste years of time and money on infertility treatments.  We'll keep trying just to have a hope of having that fix! -P.S. I've never done drugs, but I do know what it's like to really want some chocolate!)
Back to the story-we could have kept her longer.  We prayed about it and it felt---like the wrong thing to do.  HOW could keeping her in a stable home be the wrong thing to do?  We felt like there were other chidlren who needed us.  We told our Social Worker it would be ok to move her on.  I think he forgot.  I was elated that I thought he forgot!  Now we could change our minds.  No, it felt wrong.  I felt like I was escaping from what I was supposed to be doing when I thought that.  He didn't forget.  He asked us again a few weeks later.  We said yes again and broke our hearts again.  He warned us that it would probably happen fast.  I think we needed that extra time so that we'd never second guess our decission.  Because now we miss her so much but we have the confidence that we did the right thing.

Oh, but I skipped some months here:

December:
We had the BIGGEST Christmas celebration ever!  We loved and loved on our little girl not knowing how much longer she would be with us.  It was the best Christmas of our married lives!

January/February:
Made the decission again for the second and third times that it was ok to let her go.  At the end of the month she moved in to the home where her sister is.  It was bittersweet because we knew we were doing the right thing and we knew that there were other children who were supposed to come into our home.  Russ gave me a preisthood blessing which helped me know that this really was what was intended for her and for us and gave me some assurance about her future.

For Valentine's day her and I made homemade valenitne's day cards for her preschool/daycare class.  I decorated the house and her room with paper hearts so that she could have a fun surprise when she woke up in the morning.

At the end of Februrary she moved into her new home.  I told her I was both happy and sad that she was going.  I told her over and over how much I love her.  I told her she will always be safe and she will always be taken care of.  I told her there are so many people who love her even though she doesn't always see them.

March:
We decided to take a couple of weeks off between placements.  We thought it would be nice to have a break but our home felt so empty.  We were also leary of having a new placement and having another huge change to our lives.  We did respite for a weekend and watched a 13 month old boy.  That was an adventure!  Everyone who saw him commented on how cute he was.  He was cute but we both agreed that he wasn't nearly as cute as our little girl we'd just had.

There was a Kid's Fest coming up mid-April where we'd have the chance to meet kids that are available for adoption.  We figured we'd just do some respite here and there until the Kid's Fest, but we still inquired about children when we got the emails.  The placement coordinator asked us if we'd be willing to take a 10 year old girl that we have some cultural and religious connections to.  Because of these connections we knew a little bit about the situation and after a day and a half of intense thought and prayer we agreed.  It was a difficult decision to make because the Kid's Fest was only 5 weeks away and taking her would possibly mean prolonging the amount of time until we could adopt.  We felt that if we didn't do it we might always wonder if we should have.  We decided to do it anyway.

April:
I turned 31.  Our kiddo and I went to the tulip festival.  I hadn't been to the tulip festival in several years.  It was fun.

May:
Still the most difficult month of the year.  I don't know if that will ever change.

June/July:
Well, here we are.  Life has certainly been interesting!  I don't know how long our kiddo will be with us.  This part of foster parenting you just have to take one day at a time and be prepared for anything.  It is taxing but it can also be rewarding.  In all honesty I am burning out.  I'm starting to feel like we'll never get any kids of our own.  I'm starting to feel like maybe that wouldn't be so bad... we could have a very carefree and relaxing life living child-free.  I think I'm just burning out and feeling discouraged and I tell myself that to try and fell better.  We're approaching a crossroads to hopefully find out soon what the future hold for our kiddo.  I think if she goes we are going to take a break for a while.

Weekend fun

Ok, so I wrote this post over a year ago in April of 2012 but I never posted it.  After this weekend there was a lot of drama going on in our extended family with a very sick and hospitalized kid.  I know, no excuses, right?  Well,  here it is anyway.

This weekend was one of my very favorite cultural celebrations in my home town.  It started out as a Dutch-based holiday, but has grown to be a multi-cultural event.  It was always one of my favorites growing up.  I had not been able to go since we got married, but this year I finally got to!  Russ had the opportunity to get some over-time at work (which is a good thing), so he couldn't come but I really enjoyed spending time with my parent's and the cousins.

Every year the Fire Department that my dad volunteers with has a pancake breakfast fundraiser.  I always enjoyed going growing up.  Like I said, I haven't been in a while, and it was weird that I didn't know very many of the people in the fire department.  I used to know most of them.  It made me sad and it made me think about how life moves on without you realizing it.  I am so proud of my dad and all the work he has done as a volunteer EMT/Firefighter.  I remember when he first decided to join the fire department and how exciting that was for him.  It was something he had always wanted to do and he has been a part of this wonderful group of volunteers for 20 years now.

Watching my dad help out at the pancake breakfast made me realize one of the reasons I love and admire my husband.  He is also a man who volunteers in the community.  I am so proud of my men who volunteer!

I can't believe how old my dad looks.  It makes me so sad.  I watched all of my grandparents pass away before I was 21 and I just can't imagine life without my parents.  I have a firm testimony of the plan of salvation, but I feel like I just need them here with me for a very long time.

After breakfast we met the cousin's at the parade.  K and E took one look at me and seemed happy but when they saw my mom (whom they refer to as "Auntie") they ran to her!  My mom is so good with little kids.  I know that K and E have their own grandparents, but I'm so glad that my parents get to be "like" grandparents to them.  My dad especially, since my mom has so many great nephews and great nieces of her own.  It's kind of like the gift that I cannot give them.  E really seems to bond with my dad and he even looks like my dad did when he was little (and I feel like they even have similar personalities, maybe the personality genes and "looks" genes go together).  It's really quite remarkable.

I'm an old lady now

Well, it happened: I turned 30.  I have had a lot of mixed feelings about this because 30 is one of the ages where there is a decline in fertility.  Also since I haven't started my new job yet I have had a lot of time to sit and reflect upon this.  I have had a break this past year from the sadness of infertility but lately it's really been festering to the surface again.  It's so hard when your heart tells you that you're supposed to be doing something that your body cannot do.  And it's even harder when it seems as though everybody else can have this but you can't.  We are still waiting on our licensor for foster care which also has been adding to my distress.  But I have been through these challenges before and I am really trying to handle them better the second time around.  So suffice it to say that I am going through a stretch of waiting.  Waiting for my new job to start, waiting for our family to progress in one way or another, and trying to wait patiently which is really hard sometimes.

On another positive note I had a GREAT birthday party.  I told Russ that I really wanted a party for my 30th so my mother-in-law hosted it (which was so sweet) and Russ got people to come!  It was really nice.  We just visited, played Cranium, and ate snacks, which was the perfect type of gathering for me.  One day when we have a house I want to host regular game nights because I think they are so much fun!  Russ took a couple of pictures and they are not the greatest pictures of myself but I am not too embarrassed to put them on here.

The real best Easter/Birthday/Christmas Present

It's time for me to repent about something I yesterday.  I alluded that having a baby would be the best Birthday/Easter/Christmas present ever.  It's kind of ironic that I included Easter and Christmas in that because as I reflected upon my words those two holidays made me realize something:  I already HAVE the best Birthday/Easter/Christmas present ever.  I never should have put wanting a baby above the most amazing gift that my Savior and my Heavenly Father have given me.  Right now "I Stand All Amazed" is playing on my computer.  The words to this Hymn are so fitting:


I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Confused at the grace that so fully he proffers me
I tremble to know that for me he was crucified
That for me, a sinner, he suffered, he bled and died

Chorus:
Oh, it is wonderful that he should care for me enough to die for me
Oh, it is wonderful
Wonderful to me

I marvel that he would descend from his throne divine
To rescue a soul so rebellious and proud as mine
That he should extend his great love unto such as I
Sufficient to own, to redeem and to justify

(Repeat chorus)

I think of his hands, pierced and bleeding to pay my debt
Such mercy, such love and devotion can I forget?
No, no, I will praise and adore at the mercy seat
Until at the glorified throne I kneel at his feet

I stand all amazed at the love Jesus offers me
Secure in the promise of life in his victory
Thus ransomed from death I will live to my Savior's praise
And sing of his goodness and mercy through endless days

I really don't like to get gifts at church on Mother's Day.  It often seems more like a reminder of what I'm not than a gift of appreciation.  Last year, however, our ward passed out this picture to all of the women as a Mother's Day gift:

It serves as a reminder to me that even though I may not ever have the things I desire in this life I can have everything I ever wanted and more than I can even imagine because of the atonement of Jesus Christ.  It is so easy to lose an eternal perspective.  The best Chrismas present ever was my Father in Heaven sending a sweet babe born in Bethlehem over 2,000 years ago.  The best Easter present ever was a Savior who chose to take upon himself my sins and suffer death and be risen from the dead on the third day.  The best birthday present ever happened 30 years ago when I had the marvelous opportunity to be born into mortality and experience the tests and trials that will enable me to become refined and to return to live with Him.  It is so easy to be blinded by everything else that goes on in this world, but truly this all that really matters.  

A crappy day

I don't ever take one of these unless I really, really, really think I'm pregnant.  I had many reasons to believe  this was the case.  I also thought maybe God was feeling extra-generous and would give me the best Easter/Birthday/Christmas present ever.  Today was a crappy day.

It's coming along

I have not posted in almost 4 months.  Wow.  Things are coming along slowly but surely to be foster parents.  We have finally purchased all the items we need for foster parenting and completed the "kids room" (oh, we do still have to move our things out of the closet, but other than that we're good).  We had a date night going to Ikea this week.  It was a long drive.  I am definitely not ready to go on a long road trip because the 2 hours to Ikea and 2 hours back felt like torture to me.  But I am pretty proud of ourselves for making it out of there spending less than $100.  And I finally have a dresser that fits my things in it!  The dresser I was using was technically a kids dresser and it was always bursting full.  Now the kids dresser is in the kids room.

On another note I am no longer employed.  I really think this is something that needed to happen.  My job was stressing me out so much.  It also wore me down quite a bit.  I had no energy for anything after work.  We both feel strongly that I need to be at home more for when the foster kids come.  I do have another job lined up though, I can start after my background check clears. (This will be 3 different background checks in a period of about 4 months!)  I don't want to go into details yet because I haven't started, but I think it will be perfect.  I can work full or part time.  I am very excited for all our new adventures!  We have both had so much fun planning and decorating the "kid's room" here are some pictures:

We have to have all the beds and the crib all set up for the home study even though only 2 kids can stay in the room at once.  You can also see my old dresser in the middle photo there.  The boxes of toys and things look messy in front of the bookshelf there but we have a place for them, they're just not in their spot yet.  It was a bit of a challenge trying to create a gender neutral room which is why we went with green.  I wasn't sure about that at first because the color scheme in the bathroom is green, but it worked out after all.  I spoke with our licensor and we won't be able to have our home study for at least another two weeks because they are so busy, but we are going to take our new "kid's room" on a test run tomorrow night!  My cousin's kids are coming for an overnighter.  Every time they have come over that room has always been a mess of boxes, so I am curious to see their reaction.  We did show them these pictures so they may not be too impressed, but we'll see!  This is such an exciting time!  I hope that within the first half of May we can get some foster kids!

Remembering Winter

It has been a snowy week here in NW Washington.  It has also been gorgeous!  There is nothing quite like snowfall on evergreen trees.  In tribute to winter here are some winter pictures for your enjoyment.  Some were taken by me, some were taken by my friend Chandalar.  Some of them were taken in Washington, most were taken in Rexburg, ID.

 But of course these next two represent the best Winter of them all!