If its a broken part replace it, if its a broken heart then face it

Sometimes life gets really depressing and the only thing that keeps you together is your best friend letting you know that everything is going to be alright. Someday that time comes when your best friend isn't going to be there for you anymore and you have to face life on your own. I have never had the point where I have cried over a girl like I have cried over an ex boyfriend. Life seems to fall apart when you have no one there to help you. and its not really that you have no one there but more of the fact that the one person you tell everything to, that you trust more than anyone else in the world, who knows everything about you, can read every thought you have because they think the same way as you do, they aren't going to be there forever and you have to find another person to take their place but its never going to be the same as having that best friend that you took years to get to know and be on the same brain wave.

I hate the fact that one bad night ruined my friend ship with my best friend, things feel like they are never going to be the same. The easy solution to this would be to find a new best friend. but when you are 23 its a lot harder then you would think. There is never going to be someone who will be there for me the way she was, but all good things must come to an end I guess. unfortunately it came too soon, most would say the next step in life would be to find a nice guy that you get along with and will understand you and get married. I feel like no guy is ever going to understand my past the way my best friend has, or should I say my former best friend.

It really sucks when you go so many years saying to each other that nothing is going to ruin your friend ship and then all of a sudden one giant mistake happens and she is the first one to walk away. its like wow I thought I really knew you but guess not. Now Im sitting at home watching my dog chew on a brush that was giving to me by a different friend, that most of the time I would care that she is doing, but when the only thing that loves you unconditionally is right there by your side no matter what its hard to get mad at her for chewing on a stupid comb.

It true a dog really is a mans best friend and it hasn't been till recently that I have been able to really be proven that. So thank you Sophie. Maybe it is about time I find a guy cause I obviously don't have any true girl friends.

I won't always love what I'll never have, I won't alway live in my regrets

Its been a really long time since I have posted. about two months, I guess in a way thats a good thing because I usually only blog when I'm depressed. The passed two months I would say have been good ones, I mean yeah I've had my major ups and downs like I normally do cause thats my god forsaken personality being bipolar but what are ya gonna do ya know?

I've been really into Jimmy Eat World the passed couple days, something about them makes me feel like Im not the only one who feels the way I do. They have such a variety of lyrics, some make you want to be in love, some make you want to crawl in a ball and cry, and some just help you realize that just because you are the only one in you're the only one who knows all your thoughts and feelings there is someone out there who isn't afraid to write them down and let the whole world know about it. And that to me is what makes me feel like I'm not a total outcast. Everyone feels the way I do sometimes, I'm not the only girl who has ever had her heart broken, like a rock that you break with a hammer it shatters into a bunch of pieces that are still big enough to put back together, but there is still the sand and residue that can never be put back into their original state, that rock is never going to be the same because of the impact of the hammer. People that are in your lives can either be the hammer or the glue. Lucky for me I have a lot more glue than I do hammers, but still when one person knocks you down it can take a lot more to get you up and it may take a long time.

Sometimes its hard to feel like this life is worth it. All the times you get a hit to the ego, it makes you wonder if getting up again will be a good idea or if you should just stay on the ground. I feel like I get knocked down and when I eventually get half way to being back up someone just knocks me down again. It gets tiring. Its now hard to trust people, the second you let your guard down its like the flood gates open up and before you know it you let too much of your wall down to try and hurry to put it back up, then before you know it you're broken and drowning with nothing to do until its over and then piece by piece you slowly put it back up, and for what? to get it knocked back down again.

I guess what I'm trying to also say is that when you fall down and get back up you get stronger and whether or not you think its worth it is something to really think about. Some people can't handle the pressure and don't feel as if life has enough meaning to try and get back up, but the more you fall and get back up the stronger you become, whether or not you have glue and a hammer or a wall that doesn't let anyone through, you have to break and fall to know how high you build your wall or how much glue you need to make yourself feel better.

"We learn wisdom from failure much more than from success. We often discover what will do, by finding out what will not do; and probably he who never made a mistake never made a discovery."

Samuel Smiles

What makes it so easy for you to be walking by?

2010 was the worst year I have ever had in my 23 years of life. I want 2011 to be a better year than last year was. I spent 20 percent of 2010 happy, 30 percent wanting to die, and the other 50 percent high so I couldn't feel the pain that was beating me black and blue. I tried to start this year off good and so far it has been a rough start.

The worst break up I have ever had is coming up on a year. For some reason all I can think about is this stupid boy, all these memories, conversations, kisses, everything has been flooding back into my mind. I don't know why it just can go away. Is this some sick joke that god is playing on me? In the past year there has not been one day that I have been truly happy.... I have been so numb just wanting to not even thing about anything! I drive in my car with the windows rolled down in 8 degree weather blaring music so I don't have to be alone with my thoughts and that I am focusing on being cold than feeling the physical pain of my heart breaking day after day after day.

"if at first you dont succeed, try again." sounds like a simple enough saying? yeah?... No its not, once you fail time after time theres just so many times you can be rejected and take a major hit to your ego before you start to blame yourself for everything. Blame yourself for being so blind you never saw that break up coming, blame yourself for not being lovable, too picky, never skinny enough, never pretty enough. You have that feeling of hope one point in your life that you are comfortable with who you are, what you look like and how you act. You think that any guy would but lucky to have you and any girl would be lucky to be friends with you. But when you fail miserably multiple times it starts to wear on you. You look tired, sad, and worn out. People can see through you, spotting your shattered and broken little heart from miles away, and no one wants damaged goods.

Im not one who really goes to church, I believe in the LDS religion, but I never go to church.

If anything needs to be put into perspective Im going to put it this way. I have prayed and prayed and made life changes, trying to be the best person I can be right now but its not getting better, its been so bad that I resorted going to church tomorrow because that is my last hope, that should have been my first choice was to go to church for an issue or two or three, but it wasnt it was my last and that is how desperate I am to be happy.

I dont think that any of this made any sense and I bet its way choppy but Its 130 am and Ive been bawling all night and Im about to fall asleep.

hopefully I was able to get some stuff off my chest.

Nothing's real, until you let go completely

I wrote this post on September 11 2010, I decided at the time that I was ready to post it and now I am, I have worked my life and my steps, I was living a big secret and didnt want anyone to know so I wrote this and kept it as a draft and now I am ready to share it.

"30 days"

God, Grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

So a lot has happened with me in the past 8 months. I went from being the happiest Ive ever been to disappointed, sad, depressed, and angry. I decided to turn to a chemical substance to relieve my emotional pain. I hated myself and every time I would use, I would close my eyes thinking that, that would be the last day I have on this earth. At the time I was okay with that. I didnt want to live, I felt like there was nothing to live for, and honestly I should be dead right now.

30 days ago I woke up in the back seat of my car with a police officer pounding on my window, I opened the car door to speak with him.

He had witnessed what I had been doing and that I had passed out from lack of oxygen. He sat me down and talked to me about my problem, asking why it was something that I would turn to, that he pounded on the outside of my car window for almost 5 min before I finally became cohereint, and that he thought I was dead and he was 30 seconds away from calling an ambulance. The only response that I had for him was "I dont care if I die, why couldn't you just have left me there?". He started talking to me like a real friend. Not someone who just thought I was a junky, but someone who actually cared and wanted to help me. Nevertheless I did get a citation, I have court, I paid for lawyers, he searched everything from under my car seats, to the trunk of my car, to the smallest pockets on my purse. That all was not my proudest moment.

That was 30 days ago today. After that day I checked myself into a outpatient rehabilitation physility, I have gone to alcoholics annonymous and cocain annonymous meetings everyday since then.

Within those 30 days I have come to be grateful for the life I live, even if it isn't perfect I'm at least happy to be alive. Happy to have a family that loves me, friends that are proud of me, a place to live, a car to drive, a place to work, and the opportunity to go to school.

Even though the whole situation sucks the huge rut I was in that I couldnt get out of finally gave me a huge slap in the face and forced me to realize the hell i was doing with my life. I wasnt going down a good road and if I continued to go down that road I would either be into worse things or even dead.

I read my patriartical blessing the other day for the first time in months. It said that satan had great temptation in the world today and that I would be one of the many to give into his temptation, but I was given the strength to always find my way back to the straight and narrow path of the lord.

I would be in the worst spot of my life right now if I havent been going to those AA and CA meetings, they have changed my life, the people I meet are amazing, it has come to teach me that my life is not a bad one and that I was just taking it for grantit.

I am also working on the 12 steps to recovery. the 4th step to recovery is admitting to god, yourself, and to other human beings the exact nature of your wrongs. I have finally felt like I needed to move on to step 4, this is why I have decided to write a blog about my problem. I dont know who reads this but I am at least trying to make an effort in my recovery.

I wrote this post 60 days ago today, today I hit my 90 day mark. Its been a long road but I am still grateful for everything that I have learned from this experience. I went to court got a 300 dollar fine and 6 months probation. I am ok with that. Even though thats what I got, I got a lot more out of it then losing 300 dollars and being on probation... I got my life back, my friends, my family, my personality.

It was a shitty situation, but we live and we learn, thats what life is about and Im glad that god gave me life being able to make stupid decisions or the best decisions. I have my free agency and I learned that at a young age I am grateful for that.

"Three months and Im still standing here,

Three months and Im getting better,

Three months and I still am,

Three months and its still harder now.

Three months Im living here with out you now,

Three months breathing,

Three months and Im still remembering,

Three months and I wake up,

Three months and Im still sober.

Picked all my weeds but kept the flowers."

Music is my Boyfriend

Just a moment ago I was looking at something, something that took my breath away but not in a good way. I looked at it I got sick and felt like anxiety. Couldn't breathe. I realized a big reason why was cause there was nothing else to take my mind off of it, I was dwelling on it. The first thing that came to my mind was that I needed to put on some music.

I went through my itunes to find the perfect song that would relieve me of that awful feeling, couldn't find what I needed to hear. Nothing really spoke to me. Then I got to The Beatles, that moment I knew thats what I needed to listen to get my blood to cool down.

I turned on the music and the second I heard that piano play it felt like a huge burden lifted off of my shoulders, my stomach was no longer in knots, my heart stopped hurting, I didn't feel like crying anymore. Music always has this effect on me, it can set my mood, make me or break me. If I don't listen to the right kind of music I need to for the mood I am in, it is emotionally tragic for me... that may sound crazy but really music has a major impact on people, to me music is my life. I don't play an instrament, I don't sing, but dance is a passion of mine, without music there would be no dance, without dance there would be no insperation, without insperation there would be no life.

Music makes the world go round, everything is always linked back to music, the way that someone feels is written into words that are with the perfect rhythem can change a life. Listening to a song after a break up, when you are happy, when you are scared or lost, there is music for any feeling that anyone has ever felt, and because someone was brave enough to write down exactly how they were feeling at a moment and share it with the world it has saved so many lives, I know it has saved mine no doubt.

I dont know why I felt inspired to write about how much music has to deal with everyday life, but it just hit me so hard that I was feeling so awful one second and the next I can feel fine and content.

“Music speaks what cannot be expressed, soothes the mind and gives it rest, heals the heart and makes it whole, flows from heaven to the soul.”

Trust takes years to build but only seconds to shatter

Sometime I wonder why god makes things happen when he knows that it will just bring us so much pain, does he think its funny?? do I really need all of this? I have been bawling my eyes out all night asking myself these questions, at one point you finally get sick of it all and wonder why this all is worth it, what I have to say about it is that there better be on hell of a prize at the end of this shitty road.

All of the walls in my life crumbling down as soon as I feel like I have made a steady foundation for myself.

We have friends so that when those walls do fall down you have people that can help you build them up again, but when everyone you rely on are the ones that are doing the construction to everything that you have tried to fix there you are back at square one, with no one. It takes you twice as long and a lot more effort to put those walls back up by yourself.

You then realize you never want help again, you don't trust a s

oul to touch anything that you have ever worked on in fear of them fucking up everything you have worked towards.

The one person I always thought I could trust, that I felt could never ever do me any harm, that I could always count on, someone who new my major weakness, that I trusted enough to have them know every single detail about me, turns on me.

The one thing I have learned and I don't know why it took me to realize that you can never trust anyone. The one person who can beat you down until you are dead in the ground with no strength what so ever are the people that are closest to you. Someone you talk to every single day can kill you with one sentence faster than someone who starts a rumor about you or someone who will criticize you for every physical flaw you have.

Is there a reason why every person in my life is turning on me one by one? The people that I thought I could turn to for anything, that would catch me when I fall are really the people that are pushing me down.

What is the next step when you have nothing? The one thing that kept me going were the people that I thought I could ever go to in case of anything when I a

m falling apart or needing help to realize that there is still something to live for are turning it all around and using it against me as some kind of sick come back.

It took me a really long time to realize that I had a good life, because my friends were there for me letting me know that I have something to live for, that life is more than just falling in love and getting your heart broken, but when you heart is barley mended and the person who borrowed you the thread to stitch it back up wants it back you're back at square one with a bleeding broken heart with nothing to help it feel better until the blood scabs up and heals on its own with you and only you cleaning up the mess.

In life there are a few things that you will learn. Who you can always trust and who you can't trust but the major thing to learn is that you can trust the people you don't trust more that the people that you think you can trust.

"Its funny how you can be hurt so much by the person you least expected it from"

"look at me with my pretty bracelet and tiara Im a freakin' princess!"

Its about time that I write something new and something refreshing. The past many posts that I have written were all about how much I missed someone, how angry I was, or how depressed I was. I am finally deciding to move on to better things. They might not be any happier or much different in what I choose to write about, cause if you have not noticed the pattern of my post I usually only write when I am hating life and everyone around me. The only difference is that its not gonna be about that one specific person. More now of personal choices, feelings, or anything else that may have to deal with my life.

Recently I decided that need to quit feeling sorry for myself and my recently failed relationship, so I decided to go out and start to date a little bit, what I didn't realize was that since I was with one person that I trusted I felt

like I could trust every guy. Wrong. I learned very quickly that I need to build a wall and do it quick before I get ambushed. I have met a lot of really awesome guys recently, of course I wish they were a little bit more what I was looking for or I was what they were looking for.

The other night I hung out with this cool guy, super gorgeous, really nice, perfect body... literally flawless, and great personality. We ended up kissing for a little bit and it was awesome, and it was like the 5th time that we hung out so it wasnt like a first time hang out make out, and I guess if I really thought about it he is someone I could see myself dating, unfortunetly I don't think that he is the relationship kind of guy. Never seen a pic with him and another girl that would look like a girlfriend only him and a group of a couple girls and guys.

Honestly, in my drug rehab they say that you need to find your higher power, I have found mine and I pray all the time to him, and they also say within the first year of recovery you aren't supposed to have any romantic relationships in fear that they will interfere with your recovery.

I am starting to believe that Im not going to find the right person for me right off the bat, I need to work on myself before I can work on loving someone else, and right now Im on the great borderline of self loathing.

Maybe the reasons why Im not finding anyone I click with is because my "higher power" is telling me that I need to work on me and my own recovery, not saying that it isnt hard to be alone cause it is, I just have more important things that I need to focus on. I need to realize that I am a great person, Im smart, funny, cute, exciting, entertaining, ect. it might take some time for me to realize that but someday I will and it will be fucking fantastic.

"You can search throughout the entire universe for someone who is more deserving of your love and affection than you are yourself, and that person is not to be found anywhere. You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection."

Buddah