Hi there

I'd just like it to be known that I'm not perfect. I never have been. I'm striving to be the best person I can be but it hasn't always been easy. I've made a ton of mistakes and sometimes I wonder if I'll ever to really put those mistakes in the past. I know I've learned from them and I don't want to be the person I was before. I'm so happy with the life I have now. I feel like a better person but I know I still needs lots of work. I just wish it was easier to let it all go.

Qualifiers

So I was just looking at some pictures on an old coworker's facebook page when I saw a somewhat shocking comment. I should give some background on this girl. SHE'S GORGEOUS mashaAllah! Like seriously she puts supermodel to shame. And, mashaAllah, even better is that she's a genuinely nice young woman. Well anyone, a guy wrote on her picture "When I was at XYZ University, she was the baddest BLACK chick there" (emphasis added my moi). It bothered me because she wasn't the baddest chick at the school (which she probably was), she was the baddest Black chick. As if it's a shock to be beautiful AND Black...smh. I don't understand that thought pattern.

I was at a housewarming a little while ago and a friend (T for purposes of this post) asked me what my hair looked like since I haven't worn it out in awhile. Dumb question in my opinion but whatever. T also asked if h2b was making me wear it. Another dumb question. Another friend (S for purposes of this post) pointed out that so and so's doesn't make his wife cover her hair so why would my h2b make me (cheers to friend S). T then says well "she's Indian and she has beautiful hair so of course she wouldn't cover it but you, Millz, you're Black so I could see why you would cover your hair." WOW! I don't think I've ever wanted to punch someone so bad before. I'm so glad that God has given me the ability to ignore people REALLY well.

One of my current coworker's grandchildren are all mixed. Both her children have Black spouses. Her son has sons and her daughter is currently pregnant with a little girl mashaAllah. Her oldest grandson has very curly hair (think Corbin Bleu from High School Musical). She was concerned though about her other grandchildren's hair though. She hoped that they didn't get that Afro hair and if they did she hopes she won't have to watch them because they'll be coming out of the house looking like Buckwheat because she can't do "that kind of hair." WOW!

It really makes me angry but mostly sad, that the world views Black people as being unattractive or having unattractive features. And if a Black woman or man IS very attractive it's somehow a fluke in the system. It really hurts. Sometimes I find myself looking in the mirror wishing I could change my hair, or my nose, or whatever and I have to catch myself. I have to tell myself that I'm still beautiful whether my hair is straightened or natural or whether I look Black or European. I've also been wondering if I'm covering my hair more because I'm embarrassed to have my hair in it's natural state or whether I'm doing it for Allah. I want to say that it's for Allah but inside I think it does have something to do with the fact that when people see my hair, their first reaction is something very close to disgust. I do want to feel beautiful but it's hard when people look at me like I can never be beautiful.

I'm going to have children someday insha'Allah and I wonder how I'll teach them to feel beautiful just being themselves. My mother relaxed my hair when I was less than 10. She was straightening my hair with a hot comb by the time I was 5. That's over 20 years of changing who I naturally am!! I don't know how to love myself being natural. It's taking a lot out of me and people's reactions do not help. My sisters have dead straight hair. My cousin has long, wavy/curly hair, most of my friends either have naturaly straight or chemically straightened hair. Sometimes I feel like the ugly duckling, even with my hair covered. How am I going to tell my furture children that they are beautiful and worthy without having to change how they look, especially when we live in such an ignorant world? How can I teach them being Black is beautiful when everyone around is telling them the opposite and when I'm still effected by that type of negativity?

Yay for skirts!

I found awesome skirts at New York and Company. Light weight cotton, ankle length, an array of colors, and on SALE! woot woot! I bought two. I'm thinking about going back for more :)

So I'm still on a mission to find some nice hijabs. I bought some underscarves at al-muhajabat. I heard starscarves is great. I like the styles at veiled by design. Ordering online scares me though. I'm always afraid that I'm going to get ripped off.

Remember, the skirt I was working on back in ummm January or February?? Yeah well it's still in pieces on the floor of my room waiting for me to learn how to use my sewing machine... :(

Snobbery

I can't stand it. It's something that I've been noticing more and more as I read blogs. Especially Muslimah blogs. What's that about? There are seriously little cliques that gang up on other bloggers. It's awful and seems so un-Islamic. Why don't talk junk about each other? And why do it over the internet?????? Shouldn't we be encouraging each other?

Getting involved...

Sooo I like to get involved with the masjid. I like going to the masjid for prayer. I like to go to programs and events hosted by the masjid. I like to help out with making flyers, posters, etc. for these programs. I really do but I've realized that know people EXPECT me to do all these things. I've told them time and time again that I am working full-time and I am in graduate school and I'm planning a wedding. I don't have much free time. Yet, they still expect me to do so much. It's kind of aggravating. I can see why some brothers and sisters stay away from getting involved. It's almost like others take advantage. This month has been so hectic for me and it's just getting busier and busier. I have 4 projects that I'm working on that are due within the next three weeks. Four HUGE projects. I feel like I barely have time to breathe. I don't know if I can handle taking on more projects but I have such a hard time saying no when people ask me to help out. Is it selfish? I don't know but I feel like I'm on the verge of burning out.

Yooooo

It's been awhile. I'm alive and well alhamdulillah. Just waiting for the semester to end. It's been super busy and I kind of feel like I don't have room for anything else in my life but work and school. Boooo :( But there's only four weeks left of this semester and then things will sloooow down.

Mind is racing

I swear I haven't been able to sleep for the past few nights. I just can't shut my brain off. I'm always constantly thinking about something. I've always had this issue. I overthink and overanalyze.

I talked previously about my issues with forgiveness. I was reading through a couple of posts and discussion boards and the topic is back on my mind. It's so strange that we believe that Allah if oft forgiving yet we find it so hard to be the same. Last month during jummah, the khatib said something that still resonates in my head. He said (I'm totally paraphrasing here because I don't remember his exact words) Allah loves a genuinely repenting heart; We were designed to make mistakes. Allah knows we are not perfect. Allah knows we slip up. Allah still forgives us yet we find it hard to forgive each other. We find it hard to forgive ourselves.

I've noticed that I find it hard to let things go. Like I said I come from a family of grudge holders and it's a trait I've learned. I don't want to be that way anymore. I don't want to be that hard on other people or myself. I've been given this brand new life really and I haven't been able to fully take advantage of it because I hold on to so much stuff. It hurts my heart sometimes. It really does. I want to be able to truly let go and to truly forgive.

I'm reading this great book for one of my classes on Native American traditions and teachings. One of the chapters was about forgiveness. It said that forgiveness is necessary to keep the spirit in balance. We need to learn from our mistakes but cannot dwell on them. The past should stay in the past.

So I am going to sincerely try my best to be a forgiving person to myself and to others, to let the past go, to make the best of the present, and to look forward to a beautiful future.