Every so often, Brigham doesn’t want to go to sleep. He doesn’t throw a fit or anything — he just quietly wanders in to my room and stands next to the bed. I ask him if something is wrong, he tells me that nothing is wrong. I try to pry out if he needs something or is worried or scared about anything. Nope. Nothing is wrong. When I ask why he isn’t in bed, he says he wants to be with me because he loves me so much.
This boy!!! He has my heart. My middle boy. Such an unexpected sweetheart sometimes.
It’s hard to feel like I’m giving all of my children equal time. I worry about Brigham the most because he is my middle boy. He’s only seven-years-old, and yet it seems like the weight of the world is pressing down on his heart. But on these rare nights when the baby is asleep, the older two are already in bed, and Shawn has been snoring for at least an hour... I’m happy to spend a few moments talking to my son and caring for him. I don’t even mind that it’s late and we will end up wanting to sleep in tomorrow morning.
Tonight, we read from The Book of Mormon together. Sam has started reading every night on his own and I told him I wanted to try to catch up to him. I’m halfway there. As I read to Brigham, I took a little time to explain to him what was going on. We talked about Laman and Lemuel beating Nephi with a rod because they were mad at him and how that was no way for an older brother to treat his younger brother. I pointed out to him how Laman and Lemuel returned to whining and complaining moments after they had been visited by an angel. We agreed that we couldn’t imagine acting like that after having an angel speak to us. It was a precious, quiet, little moment with Brigham that I want to cherish. I had to make a record of it.
I started this blog oh-so-long ago because I wanted to keep a record of our life. I’ve let Instagram, Facebook and other apps/websites help me in this matter, but sweet moments like this one can’t be fully expressed or appreciated in a status update. I need to remember the good things that happen. I want to remember them. I need to remember them.
Since Zachary was born, I’ve been having lots of emotions flood my mind. I’ve been worrying that I spent too much of my “young motherhood” being frustrated at life. I feel like I don’t remember my older children when they were small. All I remember sometimes is how tiring and hectic and this and that all of it was... and I mourn the loss of those years. I’ve mourned them so much that I’ve allowed myself to get swallowed up in those feelings and I’ve missed even more precious time and moments. This cycle can’t continue. So I’ll begin tonight to try and do more recording and less lamenting.
Being the silly woman I am, I asked Brigham tonight if he wished I was a better mom. That sweet boy replied, “I like you just how you are right now.” We really are doing better than we think we are. I am always one to welcome change for the better. I love seeking out improvements. And I feel that this resolution (which I hope has a longer lifespan than any other resolution I’ve made) will help me to see the good and praiseworthy and lovely moments of our life.
And if my children are ever reading this record and can’t imagine why I would even care to try and remember to record all of this... the answer is the same as why Brigham wanted to be with me tonight: BECAUSE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!!
