Enjoying our baby girl

I'm so sorry for the long delay in posting. First, there was the fact that we were living in a hotel for a week, and then we got home and it took about a week to get settled and on a schedule. Then, I was having a debate about whether or not to create a separate private blog to keep the families updated (I did). This blog will continue to be about our journey with our open adoption, but I will try to add a few other things from time to time. And here we are and a month has passed. I can't believe it. Our baby girl will have a nickname on here because I am still trying to feel out my comfort level with the whole online situation. We will call her Kbear until/unless I think of something else.  : )

Kbear was born on May 12, and it was a whirlwind. We are still in a bit of shock, I think. We had gotten into town the night before because A was going to be induced on the 12th. I texted A to let her know we made it to our hotel, and she said that was good since she was having pains. It was a long night for everyone, with me texting A and her sister and friend at various times. I think Mike is the only one who got any sleep (military training to sleep when you can!). We went up to the hospital at 5:30 a.m. on the 12th and met up with A's sister and got to step into the room to say hello to A and P. Then we were all just waiting. We met P's sister for the first time and spent most of the day with her in the waiting room. We also met A's mother. They were all so welcoming to us. We have definitely all become part of a much larger family now.

I was nervous to talk to any of the nurses about our adoption situation, but I wasn't sure if A had been able to speak with the social worker. I wanted to make sure they were taking care of A and following her wishes. I finally got up the nerve to go speak to a nurse and they couldn't have been more wonderful. They followed up to make sure the social worker had been to see A, and they answered my questions about how A was doing.

Kbear was being a bit stubborn, so we just kept hanging out in the waiting room. At one point a nurse poked her head in and said that A told them I could wait outside the room during the birth and to follow her. I was stunned for a second and Mike asked what was going on. I said, "I think they mean right now." Once Kbear was born, she was taken to the room across the hallway, and I got to follow.

Here I am holding Kbear when she is just 10 minutes old. I barely remember this moment so I'm glad we have a picture! I just had so many emotions running through me, it was a bit of a blur.

Again the nurses were fabulous. We got to follow Kbear to the nursery and I was present for her first bath, a vaccination, a hearing test, and her first feeding. The staff asked if we wanted a room to stay overnight, and they even ordered our meals. Other than Kbear staying in the nursery that night for about 6 hours (we had to get some sleep), we've been with her ever since.   : )  We were released after 24 hours, so we then got settled into our hotel.  We were quite excited to realize that Wal.mart was right next door!


I'll end this post with a couple of pictures.

Kbear at 3 days old:

And Kbear at 1 month old:

We are quite smitten.

Speechless

Any day now

I simply can't wrap my head around the fact that I could be holding a baby in my arms any day now.

Mike and I traveled to see A yesterday for the match meeting, and although it went well, it was heartbreaking. Unfortunately, P wasn't able to make it home in time. I know that made it harder for A, but she did have a friend there with her. This friend, E, has been a huge support for A so we were glad we got to meet her. The initial part of the meeting was all of us talking about our past - how Mike and I met, our relationship, why we decided to adopt, etc. A answered some questions about her family and support system and why she decided to make an adoption plan. Then we started talking about A's wishes for the hospital. Mike asked me later how I felt about A wanting only P in the room during the actual delivery. As much as it would mean to me to be included during that part of the experience, I realized that I want whatever A wants. I begrudge her nothing.

The meeting took 1 1/2 hours and we sat around and talked for another hour or so. I asked A if she wanted to go get some lunch or if she needed us to head on out. She agreed that she needed the afternoon alone. During the meeting, we told her that she just needs to tell us when she needs time. E said she would make sure A speaks up if she needs time alone at the hospital, with or without the baby.

A's doctor told her to come in for an appointment on Tuesday, but he (jokingly?) predicted that he will see her at the hospital at 3 a.m. Wednesday morning. I asked A to call me Tuesday night to let me know what her doctor says. I may go on up to stay at my aunt's house so I can be closer. We are only about 4 1/2 hours away, but Mike says he is okay if I want to be in the area. The plan is for me and Mike to be at the hospital. After the baby is born, A's family and friends will have the opportunity to hold her and take pictures. Mike and I will await our turn as patiently as possible.  : )  

And on this Mother's Day, the first one where I contemplate the reality of becoming a mother, I know how hard this day is for some and always has been for me. This year, my thoughts are also with those women who have given so much to allow other women to experience motherhood. For every beautiful, caring, nurturing woman who shares herself with others as a mother, grandmother, aunt, sister, mentor, or friend...Today I celebrate you.

Edited to Add:
I just got a text from A wishing me "happy soon to be mother's day." She humbles me.

Keep your hands inside the ride at all times...

at least until you come to a big hill.


Whew! I think I left my stomach back on the last hill. I continue to have wild swings in freaking out moments and my stomach is not pleased with me. We were going to have our match meeting today (April 30), but our counselor had to postpone it because of another situation. So, we are having to move it back to next Saturday. I spoke with A Wednesday night, and it was a nice conversation. It was hard too though because she admitted to having a hard time thinking about the placement. We know it is hard, and hearing her say it just made me hurt for her even more. She said that is why she hasn't been able to return our emails. We know this doesn't mean she is changing her mind (though we continue to be cautious in our excitement). I just have the feeling she is trying to protect herself. After talking with our counselor, I feel better knowing that a social worker will be available at the hospital to help A with anything she needs. For the match meeting, we will travel to be with A and P and will be on the phone with our counselor at the agency. I've asked A if she would be comfortable with me taking some pictures of her while we are there to go into a scrapbook/adoption book, so we will see if she is up for that.

Okay, I admit it...I'm in denial that I could be bringing a baby home in a few weeks. It just doesn't seem real. Making it harder to imagine is the fact that A said her new doctor thinks she is a week further along, but she disagrees. Either way, we are getting into "any day" territory with her being 38 (or 39) weeks in a couple of days.

We are still looking at cribs, but I told my sister to pull our cradle out of the attic. Mike and I are trying to get things wrapped up at school, and I just laugh when my seniors say they are ready to be done. 

*takes a deep breath*

Fragile

Yes, we are still in contact with A, but the past couple of weeks have been really rough for me and Mike. While we have been in communication with A via one phone call, several texts, and some Face.book interactions, she has not replied to the emails asking her thoughts on scheduling the match meeting. I keep reminding myself that this is another concrete step forward for her and must be extremely tough. She also has all of the normal commitments to take care of in her life, and I know she is tired and busy. I am trying to be mindful of the process she is likely going through. But it is hard to not let the doubts creep in, on top of all the stress with trying to get things together for the end of the school year. Mike said it well...it's hard to stay positive and excited for long periods of time without constant input. I guess I should point out that my phone call to A was to ask her opinion of us announcing our match on Face.book. She said that she wanted us to be able to share our excitement with our friends since we have been waiting for a child for so long. We know that if this doesn't work out, we will have to also share that news, but it is fun having everyone excited for us. They have all been on the long, long journey with us, and we know they will be there to support us if we have to share that it didn't work out. The fact that A and some of her family and friends are interacting with us on Face.book helps provide some of that positive input we crave.

In the meantime, we continue to get the nursery together. The border, valances, and dust ruffle all arrived and they are so cute! We will be getting some paint samples this week and will start painting the nursery soon. We have been looking at cribs, but just haven't been able to make a final decision yet. But we did get the car seat to go with the stroller my sister handed down to us. I am now very handy at folding and opening the stroller...after just a bit of stumbling around with it before finding some online instructions.

I never would have imagined having a red car seat!

We are getting everything ready at school for us to take off the last couple of weeks and time is going by really, really fast. I find myself having little micro panic attacks every now and then. First, it seems like it isn't happening. Then, it seems all too real.

We continue to be cautiously optimistic.

Busy Bees

Here is a quick list of what we have been doing since the last post (not quite 2 weeks).

1. Cleaned out "junk" room (ok, mostly cleaned)
2. Moved guest room furniture from would-be nursery to new guest room (formerly known as junk room)
3. Did some major spring cleaning around house (cleaned fans and chandeliers, cleared cobwebs on tall ceilings, etc.) 
4. Did more work cleaning out nursery
5. Went to friend's house to get some cute girl outfits, most not even worn!
6. Made trip to big baby box store to look at stuff, came home with D.isney P.ooh nursery set
7. Spoke with respective bosses about our "maternity" leave - planning on being gone last two or three weeks of school year
8. Spoke with HR about adding little one to insurance
9. Began looking for and speaking with lawyers to handle relinquishment (will talk to A to get her thoughts)
10. Went with another friend to a consignment sale - bought 33 outfits (onesies, sleepers, rompers, etc.) for about $2 each
11. Did some shopping on eba.y and A.mazon and ordered valances, dust ruffle, and border in Classic P.ooh
12. Visited boutique store to look at furniture (crib from sister is too old and on recall list) - considering purchase of convertible crib (crib, toddler, day, full bed) and matching chest of drawers
13. Joined Con.sumer Re.ports to research infant car seats - likely going to buy brand that fits in fancy stroller from my sister
14. Went back to big baby box store to return D.isney P.ooh set (there is the price of the crib!)
15. Went to another friend's house to get some infant toys, most not even used!

And that doesn't include teaching. Whew! I need a vacation.

And a Happy Birthday to Me!