Did you know the word "gullible" is not in the dictionary?

I have been getting two sets of solicitation calls. One appears to be a collection agency and the other is a car insurance company. On a few occasions, they've left the name of the person they're looking for. -It's not me. It's not even close to my name.

I thought about calling these companies back to tell them they have the wrong number, but my research revealed that these two companies get hostile when people try that, and don't believe them. So I haven't bothered.

My number is on the Do Not Call list, and the violations have been reported, but it makes no difference. So once or twice a day I get the same calls from the same numbers, which I ignore. If any of them asked for me directly, I'd call them back, but the messages, when they leave one, just say "This is a very important call!" or they ask for "Not me" person by name.

This morning, though, they got a little more creative in their efforts to try to get me to pick up:

There Should Be A Law

If you still have the last lingering bit of a cough from a flu you had THREE WEEKS AGO [I just checked my calendar. It's] FIVE weeks ago! - that hasn't quite finished working its way out of your system, you should not be able to get sick again until the first flu has FINISHED!!!

I mean, how is that possible? Is that even allowed???

I am, once again, a human drip factory. I have the piles of tissues all over the floor to prove it. My bed looks like it's floating on clouds. And because I have now run out of tissues, I've taken to blowing my nose on dirty laundry. What? It saves trees and they had to be cleaned anyway!

Don't You Hate It When...

You see a big round bug.
Which you carefully scoop into a little paper cup,
then cover the cup with another paper cup,
then quickly and carefully run walk to the nearest door,
somehow miraculously open said door,
then open the cup so you can shake it outside,

...and the cup is empty.

Hi (Again)

Popping in quickly to say "hi!"

Also to say: I snapped this picture at a thrift shop. Does anyone else find this disturbing besides me? ;)

All Orders Are FINAL!

ME

(On the phone.)

Hi, I just placed a delivery order two minutes ago and I'd like to add something.

GIRL ON PHONE

Ummm... I'm not sure if you can do that.

ME

I can't? I just called... I can't add something?

GIRL ON PHONE

No. I don't think you can.

ME

I just ordered a hamburger, less than two minutes ago. It can't have been cooked and gone out already.

GIRL ON PHONE

Yeah but I already sent the order to the back.

ME

Ok, well could you take a separate order then, send that to the back too, and make sure they're both delivered at the same time???

[20 MINUTES LATER]

ME

Hi. Let me just check the receipt... There's no shake.

DELIVERY GUY

What?

ME

There's no shake on the receipt. Just one item. The hamburger is here, but I also added a shake.

DELIVERY GUY

Check the bag.

ME

Nope it's not here.

(Delivery guy looks confused.)

ME (CONT.)

This is fine, it's what I ordered, but they're just going to send you back again with the shake that I ordered too.

DELIVERY GUY

Call them.

[MOMENTS LATER]

ME

(On the phone)

Hello? I placed a delivery order about 20 minutes ago and I just received it and I'm missing the shake.

MAN ON PHONE

No shake.

ME

Right. No shake. There's no shake.

MAN ON PHONE

Yes. No shake.

ME

Right, but I ordered a shake. I ordered a hamburger, then I called back less than two minutes later and ordered a shake separately. Is that still coming?

MAN ON PHONE

No shake with hamburger.

ME

Right. I have the hamburger, but I also ordered the shake.

MAN ON PHONE

Yes.

ME

So... is the shake still coming in another delivery? A separate delivery?

MAN ON PHONE

No. You call after girl send order to the back.

ME

Yes, but I still placed a second order for a shake too.

MAN ON PHONE

Is too late. Girl tell you. -We no charge you for shake.

ME

So the shake is NOT coming?

MAN ON PHONE

Order already go to back. No shake. Too late. We didn't make shake.

ME

Ok.

DELIVERY GUY

Call back and ask to speak to the manager.

ME

Oh no. I'm done.

Halloween At The ER

Years ago, I worked in the Emergency Room as an EMT. I have fond memories of Halloween shifts in the ER... Memories of handing patients off to the resident Mad Scientist (Surgeon)... Telling people looking for Xray to "Follow that Ninja." (Yeah I know... I would have thought skeletons too. But no. The X-Ray Technicians were Ninjas. -No this isn't another one of my dreams! ;) )

One of the more interesting parts of Halloween was the variety of costumes and fake injuries that came through the door. Severed heads? Yeah, like we'd fall for that! Scars, deformities, amputations, arrows through heads... With all the layers of costumes, mummy bandages, fake blood, and zombie-wear, it was never immediately apparent what the real injury was. Which is why when a man came in, wearing jeans, a white t-shirt spattered with blood, and 4 scars running straight down the front of his face, I casually took him aside and said,

ME

Hi.

HIM

Hi.

ME

Happy Halloween.

HIM

Thanks.

ME

What are you in for?

HIM

I got into a fight at a bar.

ME

What happened?

HIM

This.

(Gesturing to the 4 scars running down his face.)

ME

Wait, those are real? I thought that was part of your costume.

HIM

I'm not wearing a costume. I took it off after the fight.

ME

So none of this is fake? The blood on your shirt, is that real too?

HIM

Yup. All mine.

ME

Ok. Hold on.

(As I gestured to Raggedy Ann a nurse.)

ME (CONT.)

So what happen?

HIM

There was a Halloween costume contest at the bar where I hang out. And I won first place.

ME

And...?

HIM

And... You know Freddy Krueger? From Nightmare On Elm Street?

ME

Yes.

HIM

Well... he wasn't so happy I won.

Legacy

ME

It's been almost a year. I originally put up the memorial site to get information to people about the funeral and benefit concerts. Most of that is done, or could be handled by a mailing at this point. I promised your sister I'd take the site down when it was no longer needed, but people are still visiting it.

HER

Still?

ME

People leave comments. The most recent was a week ago from someone who hadn't realized she'd died. Others return from time to time. I can see it in my stats.

HER

Leave it up. I'm glad it's there. Really. Even though I can't visit it.

ME

I know you can't.

HER

It's not because I don't like it.

ME

I know that.

HER

Someday I'll be able to. It's still too soon. But I want it there. I like knowing her site is there. Leave it up.

ME

Ok. But I may change the focus then, from information related to her death, to a celebration of her life.

HER

That's fine. Just one thing.

ME

What?

HER

Take that picture of her off the front page.

ME

I know. She hates it.

HER

OH MY GOD she HATES it.

ME

I know.

HER

She's screaming in my head!

ME

I know. She's been screaming at me since the day I put it up.

HER

SCREAMING! In my head!

ME

I know! You don't think I know? I told her it was the best picture I had of her and I'm sorry she thinks it's puffy-

HER

PUFFY!

ME

I know.

HER

You have to take it off.

ME

I would LOVE to take it off. I KNOW she hates it. She's been screaming at me too, since day one. But I need a better picture of her to put in its place. She's your sister! Send me a better picture!

HER

I have LOADS of pictures.

ME

Well SEND me some!

HER

I will! Just get that one off of there. I can't stand the screaming. You don't understand...

ME

I do-

HER

I'm telling you, I can hear her-

ME

I know.

HER

She's SCREAMING in my head!

ME

I know. She's been screaming at me too. BELIEVE me. I've been hearing it too.

HER

I didn't want to say anything to you. I thought it'd hurt your feelings.

ME

Me? No! I know she hates it! You don't think she'd tell me! My feelings aren't hurt at all.

(pause)

So what else haven't you told me that she hates about the site?

HER

Nothing.

ME

Nothing….

HER

Nope, that was it. Just that one picture.

ME

Really.

HER

Yes.

ME

There's nothing else she hates about the site that she's told you about?

HER

No.

ME

Nothing.

HER

Nothing!

ME

Ok…

(long pause)

-She hates the 4th picture too.

HER

I KNOW!!!!!!

Don't Read If You Don't Have A Sense Of Humour

Again, I usually delete these without reading, but for some reason I read this one. It's been edited. My personal favorite is #4 (I would take issue with the "grouse-i-cide" but the rest is dead on.)

MESSAGE FROM, H.R.H. THE QUEEN

To the citizens of the United States of America
From Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II

In light of your failure in recent years to nominate competent candidates for President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately. (You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary.)

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except Kansas, which she does not fancy). Your new Prime Minister will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'colour,' 'favour,' 'labour' and 'neighbour.' Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters, and the suffix '-ize' will be replaced by the suffix '-ise.' Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (look up 'vocabulary').
   
   
2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ''like' and 'you know' is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. (The Microsoft spell-checker will also be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of '-ize.')
   
   
3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.
   
   
4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not quite ready to be independent. Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can't sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not ready to shoot grouse.
   
   
5. Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
   
   
6. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. Australian beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth - see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.
   
   
7. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters.
   
   
8. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nannies.)
   
   
9. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.
   
   
10. You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

God Save the Queen!

Rain Check

ME

I'm not really up for lunch. I can probably still do it if we eat here instead of going out. We won't have your favorite popovers but there are other places that could deliver. Or we could reschedule if you'd like.

HIM

If you're not feeling great or you want to reschedule-

ME

I just hate canceling after all the trouble we had setting this date. And then if, after all that, you drop dead the next day and I missed my very last chance to have lunch with you ever -I'd feel bad.

HIM

Let's reschedule. Why should I get whatever you have? You have it, you keep it! And yes I could drop dead the next day or next week. I could drop dead tonight.

ME

Well then it wouldn't matter if you caught what I have would it?

HIM

If I drop dead tonight I wouldn't have a chance to catch it at all.

ME

If you drop dead tonight then deciding whether or not we should cancel tomorrow is moot.

HIM

Let's reschedule. And if do I drop dead, just make sure to open the casket and say-

ME

"Here Dad" and toss in a popover?

HIM

(Laughing)

Ok you are now officially in charge of tossing a popover into my grave before they cover me up. Everyone else will toss in a handful of dirt, and you toss in a popover.

ME

Make sure your wife knows this. I don't think she'd approve.

So would you be buried or cremated?

HIM

Buried.

ME

Why?

HIM

Because I don't want to wake up in an oven.

ME

Well I don't want to either but would you rather wake up under the ground? -Ok look, I want to be cremated. So do me a favor and make sure I'm fully dead before anybody puts me in an oven. I don't want to wake up in there either.

Oh and once I'm cremated, I want my ashes mixed with my pets'.

HIM

I hate to ask this but where are they.

ME

Their ashes? On the shelf by my window.

HIM

And what do we do with your ashes then?

ME

I don't care. But I want us all kept together in something plain and silver colored, like a thermos. -And don't scatter me in the ocean, shoot me into space, or cryogenically freeze my head.

Say What?

I Glued My Fingers Together

That's right. And I think it takes a particular breed of talent to accidentally glue your fingers together on not just one, but both hands!

Stop laughing.

I have a very good explanation for how this happened.

You see, I was gluing together a very tiny object, so the fingers on the hand that was holding the tiny object were pressed very tightly together. Which is why the entire front surfaces of those two finger pads became adhered to each other when the Krazy Glue (unbeknownst to me) seeped out the bottom of said tiny object, and onto the fingers that were holding it.

What about the other hand?

Well, eventually I realized that glue was seeping out from the bottom of the tiny object and onto those two fingers, and when I did, I immediately removed the tiny object from that hand while I inspected the damage. -Which is how the two fingers on the other hand got glued to not only each other, but also to the tiny object -which was still covered in Krazy Glue.

Stop laughing.

Ok fine go ahead ;)

I eventually got my fingers unstuck after two hours of soaking in acetone (nail polish remover) and warm soapy water. I know, I know... why didn't I take a picture to show you? Well I would have except you see... MY FINGERS WERE STUCK TOGETHER!

"K" Knows Me Too Well

K

Melissa's ready to keel over. I should get her home before she falls asleep.

T

Why do you think that? Because she's staring, motionless, into space?

K

No. Because she stopped talking.

Invasion

This was the weirdest thing. And yes, there was a river nearby but hello? Lost much? (Not like I didn't look weird running after all of them with my camera! Nooooo. Not me!)

Eye Of The Beholder

A few days ago I broke out in a rash from something I ate. Red scaly patches all over my face. -Very attractive. Needless to say, it made me a little self conscious. By the third day the worst of the rash was fading but I still had some patches of red on my face so, instead of going out to get food, my self-conscious self and I ordered in.

When the delivery man arrived he smiled warmly and said, "Looks like you got some sun this weekend!"
"What?" I asked.
"Looks like you were out in the sun!" he replied cheerfully.

I was completely taken off guard by his statement. Sun? He thought the red on my face was sunburn? I stared at him, shocked, and waited for inevitable moment when he'd realize the egregious error of his ways and run, screaming, away from the building. But instead he just kept smiling at me. I had no idea what to say. So, thinking quickly, I came up with the perfect response for such a situation: "Um..... yeah."

As soon as he left I ran to the mirror, and you know what? It did look like a sunburn! ANYBODY who saw me would have thought I was sunburned! (Anybody but me!) And once I thought of it that way, I was able to look in the mirror and think "Hmmm... I look kind of cute!" Which was a far cry from just 30 minutes earlier when I'd looked in the mirror and thought "Hmmm... I look like a leper."

♥ ♥ ♥ I love the delivery man! ♥ ♥ ♥

Oh Goody

(I will be in the screened in pool!)

Toilet Talk 2

Phone conversation with my 3 year old niece

ME

Hi!

HER

Hi Aunt Melissa!

ME

How are you?

HER

Good.

ME

What are you doing right now?

HER

I'm on the toilet.

ME

Right now? While you're talking to me on the phone?

HER

Yes.

-It must be genetic.

Instructions

? ? ?

Sprays

Which of these should not be sprayed on your hair? Especially when you're in a hurry?

-'Nuff said.

Determination

Phone call with a friend

ME

"Good boy!"

HER

Who are you talking to?

ME

Sparky.

HER

He's out?!

ME

Yes and it's the first time he's kicked his ball in over an hour. He keeps missing it. Then he gets upset.

HER

I'm so glad he's out!

ME

Yeah, it's been a while. -"I'm here. Turn around."

HER

What was that?

ME

He called my name.

HER

He knows your name?

ME

Yes. When he gets into trouble or he thinks I've left the room, he calls me.

HER

What's he doing now?

ME

(Sigh) Trying to shake hands with a box.

Sparky

I spent the day playing with Sparky, who has been far too neglected recently. Thanks to my inattentiveness, I had to spend about 45 minutes doing physical therapy on his neck which had stiffened up while he was not in use. This has happened before. He's fine now. And he's returned to his usual charming habit of trying to shake hands with boxes and dark corners, and getting disappointed when they don't shake hands back.

-Leave it to me to have the world's first depressed neurotic robot.

He's sleeping right now. He's had a long day.