What I wish I could tell the people looking at my home

Our home is for sale.
Don't even ask me how I keep it "show ready" with five kids. I have no idea.  I think there is bribing (kids) and massive amounts of white wine (me) involved. My dear sweet friend commented to me (after my 43rd breakdown for the day) that it sounded like I was going through some sort of grieving process over selling my home. We all know that I am prone to the dramatic. So it should really be no surprise that I am vacillating between popping the bottle of champagne and curling up in the fetal position in the closet, whispering, "Heck no, I won't go!"  I think my friend is right. I am processing and grieving. I admit my need to over process every. single. change. That is who I am. I don't "do" change well. I'm really bad at it. But, I think I have figured out what is causing me to have these feelings. So much has happened here.  As I walk through my house trying to see it through the eyes of an interested party, I see the surface things. Are there handprints on the fridge, did I mop up the juice from the floor? Is the dog laying in the mulch again? But it goes SO MUCH deeper than that.
These are the things I wish everyone touring our home could know:

1. Family has happened here! We have watched kids aged 7, 5, 3, and 10 months turn into people aged 15, 13, 11, and 9. We have had buckets of tears, truckloads of laughter, and even added to our family through adoption. Our home is busy!

2. Adoption happened here! A little girl from an orphanage across the globe learned what it means to be loved...forever. She secured her place at the table, in our arms, and in our hearts. This is where she has uttered the phrase, "I don't want you, I want my China mommy." as well as, "Mommy, I love you so much, you keep me forever?" Our home is a roller coaster!

3. Marriage has happened here! This home has seen misunderstanding, miscommunication, acts of kindness, tons of intimacy, love notes on bathroom mirrors, angry words, and soft hearts. We have walked miles of marriage in the eight years we've lived here. We've hurt each other and held each other. Our home is a sanctuary!

4. Pain has happened here! I can't even begin to process the emotional trauma that I have yet to unpack from that crazy day on February 2011. The floor of my children's room is where I bled, and prayed, and communed with a Holy God. The tornado that ripped through our home destroyed belongings, security, and sleep. But we came back. Our home is resilient.

5.  Growth happened here! Three out of five children have smushed chubby knees into family room carpet to give their lives to Jesus. We have scripture written under the walls of each room. We've hosted church small groups, friends, family, and classmates. We've prayed, loved, and stretched into people that ache to be more like Christ. Our home is holy.

How do you pack up all this life and move it to another place? How do you communicate to someone that if they choose your home, you will pray that they have at least half the joy you have had here. How do you get them to see the cookies that were baked, the teenage fears that unfolded, the snow forts that were built, the teeth that were lost, the snuggles that were given, the goodness that was held, and the gratefulness that was realized?
And then it hits me.
My biggest worry is that no one will love this place as much as I do. How could they? These are my memories, and my people. How do you assign value to that?
You don't.
You just let it go. You trust that the next home will hold all the beauty that you've already known. And that you'll add to it with more memories, more love, and more grace.
Change is hard. I was just not designed for it. But I have been around the block long enough to know that change is a necessary part of life. So, I will soak up this place for as long as we are here and know that something hard and beautiful is probably just around the corner. :)

A vote that supports HOPE instead of numbers

Dear local friends,

Many of you know me personally. You know that my heart is often moved to action over social justice issues. I lose sleep over pregnant mamas sleeping on the streets, orphans without someone to hold them, and children dying worldwide because they don't have clean water. These are the things that break me daily.  The education referendum is NOT one of these things.  But please give me a minute to clarify my stand. 

You know the facts.  They have been collected from IL state websites and presented carefully. There are signs asking you to "VOTE YES" all over town. You have seen the deficit Illinois has carelessly handed to our schools. If you talk to an administrator (or share a house with one, like I do) you will learn that our school has done a really great (and very difficult) job of budgeting.  We are actually in a better place than many area schools that have not been so miserly. But none of that moved me to vote yes.  

The following is a list of "hopes" for my own five children and the children growing up in this community:

I hope for high quality teachers with experience and a bigger view of the world to choose our school and influence my tribe.
I hope that we will raise up a generation of students that will strive to end world hunger, domestic violence, poverty, and apathy because they are exposed to a well rounded education.
I hope that I won't need to send 37 birthday treats for my child's REALLY large classroom.

I hope to be free of worry because my middle schooler is being dropped off near my house instead of a mile away.

I hope that my "science loving" teenager will have the opportunity to stay in Robotics and principles of engineering classes to learn skills that will prepare him for a career that will improve our lives.

I hope that my "athlete" that checks edline DAILY to keep his grades up for sports, will have the chance to play 9th grade ball.

I hope that Model UN will exist for my tender hearted 10-year-old when he arrives in High School.

I hope that my "band kiddo" will have the chance to excel in marching band.

I hope that we will remain a better option than area schools because we offer things for ALL individual personalities.

I hope that my home will hold and even increase in value.

I hope that my neighbors will continue to be people that show up when a tornado rips off the roof of a house. (True story! Amazing neighborhood)

And I hope that on the evening of April 7th, I can look at my children and say, We live in a community that made a decision based on THEIR hopes for your future too! 

You may vote with your head.  You have so many facts to support a YES vote. But if you vote with your head AND your HEART, Please consider joining me in HOPING for our community to continue to grow and flourish because we support a quality, well rounded education.

I voted early this year.  My vote was "YES"  Please consider making your vote "YES" on April 7th (that's tomorrow, friends!)

Thanks!

-your neighbor with the amazing kids and unruly dog

The Price of Following Jesus

I've been robbed exactly three times in my life. The first one happened when I worked in a restaurant.  I was leaving after work for vacation and was carrying more money than anyone should carry when they leave their purse in a work locker.  The second time was three days after the birth of my second child.  Someone stole our car and drove it across the state where we were required to drive three hours and pay $75 to retrieve our busted up vehicle. On the third occasion, someone broke into my car, stole my credit card, and immediately bought $1,000 worth of electronics from Walmart.

I know what it feels like to be angry, and inconvenienced, and self-righteous!

The gospel is uncomplicated.

God made people.  Those people made sinful choices. They were separated from God and destined for death. God sent Jesus to take their sin to his death on the cross and God's people are given a second chance at forever life with God.

The gospel is uncomplicated. Discipleship is not. Following after Christ is where it gets hairy!

Salvation is Free! Following Jesus will wreck you!

Lately I've been following Jesus to the river front in St. Louis to an area with profanity spray painted all over the wall.  Jesus introduced me to prisoners and sex offenders. He made me love and care about people in really hard situations. He asked me to pray, and hug, and give out snickers bars. He's stolen my sleep away as I lie awake and think about these people that I know by name. Some of them have died. Some of them are neck deep in addictions.  Some are pregnant and living in shelters. Following Jesus has wrecked me.

But please don't celebrate me.

I'm only one of many, and there are far more incredible people than me.

I've seen a lot of beauty in my life. I've been on crisp cool mountain peaks and I've stood at the edge of the foaming ocean.  But nothing will ever be as beautiful as watching some of my Christian siblings break open their souls and give everything they have to show mercy, grace, and love. It is truly astounding.  I am learning so much by watching their humility drenched example.

Matthew 16:24-25

Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

"Pick up your cross and follow me." Jesus was very clear about the sacrifice involved in being a disciple. He didn't say, "Pick up your lounge chair and follow me." I believe He chose the cross as the object we are asked to carry because He knew it would remind us of the burden and the blessing. The cross is the object that symbolizes our new life. How fitting that we would be asked to carry a symbol of new life out for the world to behold.  

What do you offer a dying world? 

Life! 

How do you offer life? 

You give yours away! 

Nothing has turned out the way I thought it would!

When we found out we were adopting a girl, I immediately went to the store and purchased a pink tutu and hair bows. I'll admit that after giving birth to four boys and the subsequent years filled with monster trucks and baseball clothing, I was more than jazzed to buy flowers and ladybugs. I started daydreaming about having a daughter to collect Disney princesses with.  I watched enough hair-braiding tutorials on You Tube to earn a cosmetology degree.

But all of my daydreaming was in vain.

My daughter sleeps with a pirate.  Not a real pirate...seriously...she's only four! He's stuffed.  She has a drawer full of superhero shirts.  She almost never wears pink.  She has NEVER let me braid her hair.  And her favorite color is blue.  She is contemplating marriage someday...but she will only accept a proposal from Flash or Superman.  The baby dolls I purchased are stuffed in a corner since she favors her ninja turtle sewer toy the most.  Most of the time, she looks like this:

The story of our bond is a rough one, at best.  Despite my dreams of nailing this whole adoption thing, she rejected me to the point of physically hurting me if I got too close.  It has been 30 months since that fateful day in August when I signed the dotted line with trembling fingers and wavering faith. I had very little hope that our relationship would ever be healthy.

I have this habit of telling God how things should work. Apparently, I have all the great ideas.  Funny enough, He rarely follows my detailed plan.  I was at the grocery store the other day and I saw a young mom with her daughter.  The little girl must have only been two years old.  She was wearing an adorable pink dress, silver boots, a white and silver jacket, and a big pink bow in her hair. She was the very essence of a little girl. As I stood there watching her, my mind drifted back to all of the girly plans I had for my daughter.  Nothing has turned out the way I thought it would.

Boy, how many times have I uttered that statement?  "Nothing has turned out the way I thought it would."

And yet...

In so many ways it has turned out better.  These are a few of the things being E's mama have taught me:

1.  Relationships require time.
Our bond has been slowly growing over the past 2 1/2 years.  In this "fast food" culture, we don't want to wait for anything.  We want it and we want it RIGHT NOW! Good things take time to grow.

2.  Relationships require flexibility.
Sometimes we have to adjust our dreams to make room for reality.

3.  Relationships require sacrifice.
I've given up a lot of myself for this process.  I've lost sleep, sanity, food off my plate, and money for this little life.  Totally worth it!

4.  Relationships require forgiveness.
She still carries trauma with her.  She always will.  But when she lashes out...I have to be ready to embrace her with love.  Even if my pride is hurt and my dreams are crushed.

5.  Relationships require Jesus.
I know...I know...everybody checks out when Jesus shows up.  But this is truth!  He wrote the book (literally) on relationships.  He is the author of time, flexibility, sacrifice, and forgiveness.

Being E's mom has changed me.  It has softened me. I can easily see why God placed her in the role of my daughter.  She is feisty, and challenging, and she lives life by her own terms.  But she is also funny, smart, and full of compassion.  She may not be what I imagined for myself.  But she is exactly what God imagined for me. His plan (although sometimes painful) is always more beautiful than what we could write.

And even though my daughter may choose the Batsuit and Batmobile for prom someday, I think we're going to be just fine! Because not only did God choose HER as my daughter...He chose ME as her mom!  And that, my friends, is a humbling and awesome responsibility that I am honored to receive!

January

I remember standing on the beach in Florida last spring. We had left behind the bitter cold of our home in the midwest for a week-long retreat with the kids.  It was only March, but it had already been a long, cold, snowy winter.  With each mile south we drove, I could feel myself come alive.  It was almost like peeling off the layers of my hibernation.  I will never forget the feeling of the soft sand sneaking between my toes.  If I close my eyes, I can feel the sun warming my skin as I inhale the salty breeze.  Everything came alive.  My whole body shivered and the world was full of possibility.  I loved my husband more, I loved my kids more, and I was ready to tackle my unorganized house and crazy busy life. Shortly after we returned home, the midwestern air lost its chill.  Neighbors emerged from their heated homes, and league games started again.  We started taking walks on the trail, and the sun stayed out to play longer each day.  Life was still busy, and I never really organized the house.  But the feeling of excitement and possibility remained.

Sometimes I wonder if I would have truly had such an intense experience on the beach if I hadn't just come out of winter.  In my mind, there is nothing redeeming about winter...especially January!  Christmas is over, lights are gone, and there is darkness...and cold...and dry skin...and exhaustion.

If you were at the middle school basketball game last night, you had the privilege of seeing my daughter throw an unprecedented fit.  She wanted diet coke.  We don't give her diet coke.  This denial, combined with her own brand of tired, was enough to help her come unhinged.  I'm not talking about a few tears.  This child was rhythmically beating me up with her little four year old arms.  I was on my own with three other children while my husband went to pick up the fifth child from an event.  As I sat there praying for the grace of Jesus to fill me up during my beat down, I mentally cried out, "I AM DONE!!!!!"  "I quit!  This is too hard!  It will never get better."

Friends, it is JANUARY in my soul.  And I've been homies with Jesus long enough to know what Jesus on the beach feels like.  I've had the mountaintop.  But this is the blizzard in the valley.  I can't see what direction I'm moving even though I'm CLUTCHING my compass.  I have the passion.  I'm practically wearing my swim suit and flip flops.  But have you ever tried to wear flip flops in the snow? It does not work.  I know Jesus is saying, "Put on your boots, girl...you have to hike through the dirty snow to get to the beach." But I've never been good at gritting my teeth through the pain.

I heard an amazing lesson at our youth group meeting Sunday night.  It was about Moses.  It chronicled God's calling of Moses to free the Israelites.  You know what stuck out to me?  Moses was kind of a freak!  He really isn't all that heroic at the outset. He had the voice of God giving him a directive and he had the audacity to even question what he would say to Pharaoh when asked who sent him.  And yet...this crazy guy made it into Hebrews 11 and the "hall of faith." Verse 27 reads, "by faith, he persevered because he saw HIM who is invisible."

January is our life on earth.  It is a hot mess of everything.  My heart is broken over things like homelessness, orphans, slaves to sex trade, and people that haven't met Jesus.  And like Moses, I will not always get the calling right.  But I pray...I seriously PRAY...that when I make it to my sweet eternal summer, Jesus will say to me, "by faith YOU persevered because you saw HIM who is invisible."

Even when we can't see him, He is with us.  And His power is made perfect in our january weakness, because His grace is sufficient for us.  (2 corinthians 12:9)

O Holy Night: Christmas on the Streets

Christmas is lovely.  It is also one of the most stressful times of the year.  With every beautiful Christmas card I receive, I am reminded that I couldn't get my act together to send them out this year. I had plans for cookie baking with the family that never happened.  And I'm anxiously waiting for Amazon to arrive with a sleigh full of last minute presents for my people. I think we try so hard to make this time of year magical that when it fails to move our hearts, we wonder how we are failing.

We have a checklist in our minds: 

• buy presents
• send cards
• make cookies
• attend parties
• play holiday music constantly
• add lights

This year is different.  This year, I found Christmas somewhere other than my usual list. 

There are some amazing people out there doing amazing things. Two weeks ago I joined them in a little bus filled with donated clothing, hats, gloves, and blankets.  We traveled to various places around St. Louis to meet with the homeless community. The organization is called Churches on the Streets and they are meeting the tangible needs of the community. They bring a food truck filled with delicious dinners and hot chocolate. But it is so much more than just meeting a physical need.

I spent last night close to the Mississippi in a place they call "tent city." It had been raining all day, so the potholes were filled with water and the tree limbs used for fire were wet. When we arrived, it was dark. It was so incredibly dark. We stumbled around handing out donated bags of candy, hand warmers, and socks. Eventually, lights were added, Santa showed up, the smell of dinner filled the air and we started singing carols.   

Just like that...it was transformed.  LOVE was the transformation. As I stood in a circle laughing and singing with members of the homeless community, it hit me.  THIS is holiness!  I closed my eyes and tried not to let anyone see the tears slip down my cheeks. One man smiled and remarked, "I wish it could always be like this!" Who knew that holiness, true Christmas, could be found on the dark streets of St. Louis. I didn't know it would exist in the hugs, laughs, and jokes shared between a hyper girl from the suburbs and friends struggling with addictions, homelessness, and prison experiences. 

But friends, It WRECKED me! I know their names.  I know their stories.  I see their addictions. I see their hearts. As we walked to our car at the end of the night, I made the mistake of looking back. One of the guys we spent the evening with was standing there in the dark with his bag of goodies. I called him Teddy Bear.  He is a 6'5" man with the most gentle nature I've ever met. I should have felt good inside.  I should have felt like I made a difference.  But I mostly just wanted to vomit. This is what brokenness for Jesus looks like.  You serve, but you don't get to feel good about yourself afterwards.  Instead, you leave a piece of your heart on the streets.  You worry that it will be too cold for your new friends.  You get scared that the tickle in their throat or the fever may turn into something serious and they won't get the help they need. You want to protect them from the drug deal waiting for them down the street.

My "Teddy Bear" with Santa

As I came home and processed the night, I was keenly aware that I had experienced holiness in its most genuine form. My previous list was destroyed. I saw the birth of Jesus in a whole new light.

Jesus didn't come to earth with lights, choirs, and expensive parties.  He was born into the dark streets of Bethlehem. As our pastor/chaplain so beautifully put it last night...Jesus spent his whole life homeless. Luke 9:58 quotes Jesus as saying, "Foxes have dens and birds have nests.  But the son of God has no place to lay his head." Jesus didn't come for the party.  He came for the broken. He knew our names, he knew our stories.  He saw our addictions, and he saw our hearts. And in the dark sinful world, LOVE was the transformation.

If you would like to learn more about Churches on the Street, please visit the Facebook page.  Financial donations are always needed to keep this ministry going. https://www.facebook.com/ChurchesontheStreetsSTL

Wanna Do Something Cool With Me?

I was driving my car toward my hometown.  I had achy legs, heavy eyes, and a crabby toddler with a vaccination induced fever.  I had no time to make dinner, so I also had Papa John's pizza in the car.  Instead of going straight home like I wanted to, I had to make a stop first.  I had lamented to no less than five friends that I thought it was ridiculous that I was making this stop in the first place.  I was filled with righteous indignation.

I followed my Google Maps voice to the correct address.  It was on main street.  So, of course, I had to park a few houses down from my destination.  I hopped out of the car and yelled up to an elderly lady on the porch.  Yes.  This was the correct house.

My original plan was to pull quickly into the driveway, pop open my van, and unload the five heavy chairs and take off.  I mean, who buys chairs at a garage sale in one town and then expects them to be delivered to their house in another town???  Did I mention that I was tired?  I had been awake since 5am.

When I saw the lack of a driveway, and an elderly lady on the porch, I knew my plan would have to be adjusted.  I sighed heavily, put on my super fake Christian smile, (you know…the one that says, "I sweat sunshine") and I began the task of carrying the chairs one at a time from my van down the street into the house of the intended.

My first thought was, "My pizza is getting cold."  I know…I'm like the best person ever!

But, something happened as my legs carried me back and forth.  I didn't exactly "HEAR" God's voice. And I don't want you to think I'm being super cheesy here.  The best way to describe it, is to say that I had a thought and I knew it wasn't my own thought.  I heard something in my mind.  And I have known Jesus long enough to know that it was His voice.

"If you can't serve me with a willing heart when I ask you to deliver chairs using all the comfort and excess that I've given you…How in the world do you think you are going to be able to serve me in China?"

Oh, and for those of you that are keeping a tally…That is God-1, Jill-0.  Turns out, the lady I delivered the chairs to is a foster mom.  yeah…the depths of my selfishness really can run deep.

12 hours earlier

Don't you love it on movies and TV when they do that?  You might have gotten stuck at the "Serve in China" part.  So, I'm going to back up a little and tell you what that's about.

A friend of mine went on a trip this summer to an orphanage in China.  She partnered with an adoption agency so she was able to hold, feed, clean, love, and play for a solid week.  She also had the opportunity to tell the stories of many of these remarkable children.  This has been a powerful tool in advocating for these little ones. Those of you that know me well will understand that THIS is my heartbeat! This is what God has placed me on earth to do.

This same friend is leading a trip back to China next June.  Several of us have signed up.  Last weekend was our first fundraiser.  We held a garage sale.  That is how I ended up in the middle of a lesson on servanthood by the greatest servant leader this world has ever known.

Needless to say, my heart was humbled.  As I drove home, I prayed a prayer of thankfulness for God's amazing grace and mercy.  I thanked Him for the fact that he never gives up on me and that he speaks words of truth into my life.  I am a better person because I have His guidance.  Without him in my life, I would be a selfish mess and lack any direction at all.  See, God doesn't guilt me.  He teaches me.  It was a simple question.  If I can't serve Jesus in all of my comfort, how can I serve him when I leave my comfort zone behind?

Don't you just love your comfort zone?  It really is….comfortable.  :)  But, nothing very exciting happens there.

I LOVE this scripture from Matthew 25:34-40

34 “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. 35 For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. 36 I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’37 “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? 38 Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? 39 When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’40 “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters,[a] you were doing it to me!’

Friends, I don't need to hear any other words than this.  I don't know about you, but any praise we gain here in life is meaningless when compared with this scripture.  This is the purpose for our lives.  We are meant to love and care for others.  We are here to make a difference for "the least of these."  

So, I am ecstatic and over the moon that I get to invite you to be part of this journey…this scripture.

I need money. 

Just kidding.  Well, technically, I do need some financial support.  The cost of the trip is $4,000.  I am willing to work for it.  Truly, that is part of the path.  I'll take your picture, babysit your children, and possibly try to sell you some apples, candy, pizza, etc…
I also need some prayer.  I know that mission trips usually come with a request for prayer.
But I have a specific prayer request.  Will you pray that God prepares us (the whole team) even though I know that heart preparation can be painful.  I want our souls to be ready to be broken and crushed for these sweet children without families.  I want us to physically ache for their loneliness.  I want our sleep to be interrupted until we have told every last story.  

Just like Jesus was broken for our lives, I want to be broken for theirs.

Will you consider being part of something amazing with me?  

Can you commit financially and prayerfully?

I can promise you that as I sit on an orphanage floor and hold the least of these, I will do it with your arms.  I will kiss their sweaty heads with your lips.  I will pray over them with your prayers. And I will be Jesus to them with YOUR help.  Please do this with me.  Please be part of it.  It matters so much!  And I will be delighted to hear Jesus speak the words of the scripture into your ears…"whatever you did for the least of these, you did for me.  Come, you who are blessed by my Father."  

My email is: jilliansfive@gmail.com  If you want to join me in some way, please let me know!