Ten Moments That Changed My Life...

So far...and yes, I totally stole the title.

1. My child was born.

Every parent's going to say that, right? 

Because it's true. There's a clear before and after line in my life - the moment Chelsea was born, and I looked at the beautiful screaming baby in my arms, and said, "Hi." (Profound, wasn't I?)

2. I received the gift of life.

I had been checked into the hospital for emergency surgery, but they couldn't do the surgery until I received blood. 

I was so sick. I remember looking at that blood coming into me and feeling so grateful to whomever had taken time out of their busy life to donate. 

I've donated blood before; but it's a completely different thing to receive it. It's  life, and it's a gift. 

3. I entered the psychiatric hospital (aka The Place).

It was a humbling thing, admitting I needed help. After that, the hits kept coming. A physical, endless interviews, and I had to give up my distractions - no cellphone, e-reader or laptop while I was in there. 

My first days were spent staring at walls, and I wasn't alone. Other 'psych' patients were with me, along with alcoholics and drug addicts. We all stared at the walls, and slept a lot. 

This was my first step in facing my depression instead of hiding from it; in realizing that help was available; in realizing that I wasn't alone. 

4. I got laid off from Ford.

The Ford Experience Of 1998 changed the course of my life. I think. When I got hired there, I was prepared to work the most mind-numbingly boring assembly line job for the rest of my life. 

I was laid off within five weeks; devastated, but secretly relieved. I got hired back at my old company, but in a much better job. I also went back to school and finished my degree two years later, and got my current job a year after that. 

You just never know what's a blessing in disguise. 

5. 9/11/01

Not all changes are good. 

The events on 9/11 didn't affect me directly. But the way I think and act every day are affected by it. I don't ever see myself on a plane again. I can't ever go to work in the morning without thinking about what other workers in other high rise buildings were doing that Tuesday. 

Clear blue skies are the worst. 

6. Dwayne finally asked me out.

Enough said. (Okay, well, read further entries down for reference.)

7. Cancer found its way into the family.

My grandmother was the center of our family, and she molded me into who I am today. The day I found out she had ovarian cancer was the worst day of my life. 

That was 2009. She died in 2011, then my grandpa got brain cancer, and my brother got leukemia. My grandpa died July before last; my brother has just achieved remission. But I still feel like I'm in 2009 - cancer? What?

8. I got a kittycat.

The most rewarding thing I ever did was adopt a kitten. I didn't know at the time that she was a Maine Coon mix and that she would grow to gargantuan proportions! I just knew she was small and fluffy and adorable. 

Now she's nine years old, 18.5 lbs, still fluffy and I love her so much! 

There's nothing like having a pet to remind you to love all animals, and to support shelters, sanctuaries and the ASPCA. 

9. I lost my job.

I'm still in the midst of this one. I'd worked for the same company for nineteen years, and then it was all gone.

I have a new job now, but I'll never get over the loss, and the feeling that I let somebody down.

10. I had to go back to the The Place.

The second time around, I thought I knew what to expect. More of the same, digging into my brain, experiencing lots of shame... 

On my first day back, though, I found I wasn't the only repeater. There were other people there, who had been there with me the first time three years before.

I realized then that there's no shame in admitting I needed help, AGAIN. It changed the way I viewed my disease. There should be no shame in it, because that prevents you reaching out and grabbing a lifeline.

I learned that I can fight and struggle and maybe fall down but I can and will always get back up.

:)

This is war...

He has been taking up all my bandwidth for the last two hours, and it's taking all I have to not go in there and just shut his computer off for him.

My floor-sleeper has to go.

It's pretty bad when I get irritated, because I never get irritated. I'm on lots and lots of medication to make sure I DON'T get irritated.

But, you know...don't come between me and my internet.

:(

I can't even tell you how bizarre this situation really is, because this is a family blog. Let's just say his/her gender-switching back and forth is dizzying and I really think my shrink is going to have to up my doses.

You know what it is? It's being home these past few days on vacation. I never thought I'd say this, but I'll be happy to go back to work on Monday. 

This just isn't me, someone please save me!

... ... ...

Since it's 3 a.m., I guess I'll try to go to sleep and maybe wake up in 3 or 4 hours and see if I can steal some computer time then...

This is my life...

And yes, I brought it on myself, and yes, I have the power to kick my squatter out in the freezing cold snowy weather, still homeless with nowhere to go. I just don't know what to do!

... ... ...

When all else fails, hug my kitty. That's what I'm going to do. Must. hug. kitty. 

Goodnight. :)

December Photo A Day, Days 17-19 - Tree, Big and 'Tis The Season To

More late December Photo Entries:

Day 17 - Tree

Can you tell this is a tree?

Every time we have an ice storm, there are two willowy trees in front of my apartment that bend completely to the ground with the weight of the ice.

When the ice melts, the trees stand back up.

What looks like Christmas lights up there is actually the setting sun behind me glinting off the branches.

Day 18 - Big

I begged Chelsea to help me with this one.

We decided our kitty was pretty big (!), so Chelsea grabbed her and went and took a picture.

Then we laughed hysterically at the expression on my poor kitty's face.

My cat's big, right?!?!

She was just a kitten when I got her, and then she grew and grew and grew. For YEARS, she kept growing. She's apparently a Maine Coone mix, they're the ones who keep growing and get big and furry like that.

Day 19 - 'Tis The Season To

'Tis the season to GIVE.

Chelsea took this picture for me as well. This is one of our local Angel Trees. Instead of exchanging presents with people who have everything, you can take names from the Angel Tree. 

This way your money and time goes toward purchasing clothes and toys for a child who may otherwise not have a Christmas at all.

DONE.

In other news, I'm trying my hardest to make it to January. That's when I get my days back and I can take a day off and just THINK.

The ability to stop time would be so handy. I want that.

December Photo A Day, Day 16 - Makes You Feel Merry

Day 16 - Makes You Feel Merry

Our stockings...guess which one is mine? LOL

I still don't have much to say, because of migraine. I'm just swallowing pills like candy trying to push the pain away. I hope my liver forgives me. At least I don't drink!

I'm honestly at the point where I'm going to go back to peanut butter. If I have a headache anyway, why can't I have the good things in life while I'm suffering?

I just want a Reese's Cup.

Okay, I'm done whining! LOL Just thought I would vent for a minute...if I can't vent here, who can I vent to?!

On an up note, here's Ten Things That Make Me Feel Merry:

1. My kittycat

2. UK basketball (especially when they're MAKING THEIR FREE THROWS)

3. snow

4. music

5. Chelsea (when she's not being a grump)

6. Dwayne

7. books

8. kindness

9. generosity

10. LOVE

All must be well...

So, yeah, apparently, 'we're leaving at 9' really does mean 9, and not 10 or 11 or something more civilized. Who knew?

I really did intend to get up and be ready to go - I got up at 8, fixed some Lucky Charms, and promptly fell back asleep.

So instead of going down to London to decorate Moma's grave for winter, I woke up and fell asleep and felt guilty all day.

I spent quality time with my kitty. Our pets embody the joy and pain of life...the love is so pure, but everyday my heart breaks a little, because odds are I will outlive her. Sometimes I don't know how we stand to live with what we've seen and the knowledge we have.

I played my app some...I'm addicted to this kind of battle card RPG on my phone. It's well established that I'm a geek, so, there you go. :)

I watched some Glee.

I spent some time today trying to figure out what color my eyes are. I try to do this every once in a while. I have central heterochromia, which is a fancy way of saying each eye has two or more distinct colors. My eyes have a yellow starburst thingy around the pupil and then the iris is green. Usually. Only sometimes it's gray, or blue. So most days I have green eyes, and a few days I'm Arthur Dent.

Today I was Arthur Dent. I have eye-colored eyes.

What I did not do for most of the day was get on the computer. I guess I was taking a break even though I didn't intend to take a break.

When Chelsea got home from work it was like life and sunshine entered the house again. For being such a grump, she sure brings laughter and happiness wherever she goes anymore. I guess it's hard keeping up the grump face when you're working your dream job at your favorite place in the world!

She's my joy.

Let the moon follow me home...

It's widely known that I am a soft touch. I am incapable of saying no. If you ask for me something, I'll give it to you. If I see you need something, I'll share what I have. I am very easy.

So, in January, when Chelsea says, Best Friend's dad is kicking him out and he has nowhere to go, can he stay here for a couple days? Of course I said yes. It was cold, and he had nowhere to go.

Best Friend is still here. It's October. That's nine months he's been here.

NINE MONTHS.

Best Friend sleeps on the floor in the living room. When he wakes up, he sits up, gets on his computer, and, still sitting on the floor, plays on his computer all day until it's time to go to sleep. 

Best Friend does this every day. No job, no school, no cleaning, no cooking. I'm beginning to see why everybody keeps kicking him out.

In the meantime, it's been a struggle having to feed an extra person. He eats a lot.

He told me a couple of months ago he was transgender. But he never talked to me about it again. Chelsea calls him, her, except for when she forgets and calls him, him. But he didn't ask me to call him, her, or tell me a different name, and he dresses the same. But okay, past tense, he, present tense, her.

She's gotten into fights with Chelsea and threatened to leave, has even disappeared for a couple days, leaving Chelsea devastated. 

Best Friend is supposed to be on medication for schizophrenia but doesn't take it. She says she can't get a job because she has a record that needs to be taken care of but she doesn't have the money.

Dwayne is so upset over the situation he is beside himself. I didn't listen to him, you see. He wanted me to say no. He always wants me to say no. We'd be several thousand dollars richer if I could just say no. Well, past tense. Times are hard now and there's no more thousands or even hundreds to give away. :(

I don't want Best Friend out on the streets with nowhere to go. That defeats the purpose of her staying here all this time. I've tried to have talks with Best Friend about owning her life, self-sufficiency, and having a plan...but I don't think they've gotten through.

THE POINT IS, I really don't mind Best Friend being here...and that's the problem. It's not fair to Dwayne. It's not good for Chelsea. It's not healthy for me - I'm supposed to be working to get out of my bedroom and instead, I'm stuck in here because Best Friend lives in the living room.

I suspect there's something in my lease agreement stating Best Friends aren't supposed to stay overnight, indefinitely.

This may be silly, but the only thing that really worries me is Best Friend getting upset again, leaving one day, and leaving the door open, where my kitty can get out and get lost. Everyone else is upset over things I don't care about. I just want my kitty to be safe.

That's all. It's an unwinnable situation. It seems I truly have adopted a 22-year old child; one who will never work, clean or cook; and will apparently never leave.

Please, don't tell me how dumb I am, I tell myself every day. I guess I just felt like telling YOU. :)

I'm sure it'll all work out...

Throwback Thursday...

This is me, my mom and my brother, looking extremely tanned for some reason. That must have been the year we went outside. 

This is little Johnny and little Michelle. I'm the one in a dress. Everyone calls my brother Johnny, except for me. My nephew's name is Johnny, too. Yep, I always have to clarify, "Wait, do you mean Big Johnny or Little Johnny?"

This is one of my senior high school pictures. When Dwayne and I started dating, I remember him pulling his wallet out and I saw this picture in there. It was five years after graduation! I didn't even remember giving that to him...but he carried it five years, waiting for me. 

Another graduation picture. This one doesn't look like me at all. They made a huge thing of it and took it on their mall tour. That was my 15 minutes. 

This is my mom and my grandma being absolutely adorable. Every picture I see of my grandma, my heart seizes a little, I miss her so much. 

And one last one, because I am never done talking about Chelsea or my kitty on this journal, here they are! Both very young, and with very different reactions to the snow...

Love you all...

Wish I was cool like this...

Dean, Sammy, Frank

Well, except for the cigarettes, of course. We must be politically correct.

I LOST MY COOL YESTERDAY. I was justified! But it was still very strange...I have the reputation for being laid back to the point of being dead. That's partly me, and partly very strong pharmaceuticals. 

But Thursday morning, my mom informed me my internet bill had gone from its usual $50 a month to $200 last month. Apparently SOMEONE in my house caused us to go over our limit by streaming stuff, and it wasn't me.

HINT: The culprit is daughter's best friend, sleeps on the living room floor and is on the internet 23 hours a day.

So I got to work, texted Chelsea, told her we would have to cancel the internet for a while, and wow, did things get going then. 

Texts from Chelsea. 

Texts from my mom. 

Texts to my mom. 

Texts to Chelsea. 

Approximately 800 phone calls from Chelsea. While I'm at work. On Thursday, our busiest day. 

At one point, and this is where I lost my cool, I raised my voice on the phone to a customer. I'm very ashamed. Even if she was a mean heartless bad word. 

So I'm telling my coworkers how I need my mom to call and cancel my internet and finally Mark says what apparently everyone's been thinking. 

"Michelle. It's your house. Your internet. You are paying for it. YOU can call and cancel it."

Oh. 

Oh. 

So I did. Right then. And it worked.

I actually accomplished something like a normal grown-up, like I used to be. 

I was really quite proud of myself, until I got home and realized I HAD NO INTERNET. 

So yay, I cut off the hemorrhage of money flowing directly into AT&T's coffers; but boooo, I'm typing this on little tiny keys on my iPhone. 

I have a different company coming out to install that doesn't have an internet cap, so we should be good now...except they won't be here until Monday. Labor Day. Really? Apparently that's a popular day to actually work, because of the overtime. 

That's all! I have no idea how this post looks because I'm on my phooooooone. No internet. No money, related to the no internet thing! NO COOL, because I lost it this week. 

I still have my kitty. She's cute. 

So show me family...

We're going through tough times here in the Ville, and I guess they could be linked directly back to me and my migraine.

My migraine and I missed a day of work this week (unpaid), and my migraine and I missed a day and a half of work last week (unpaid). We've really been spending a lot of time together, my migraine and I.
A 20%+ reduction in my paycheck every week is enough to freak my accountant out, and she doesn't have the benefit of nice calming anti-anxiety pills like I do.

And so every day when she picks me up and takes me to work - my accountant is also my morning chauffeur, who also happens to be my mother - I have to hear in full detail about my money problems and how I don't make it easy on her and if I keep it up I'll just have to move back in with her, and she doesn't take cats.

We can't ever ever let that happen, of course. Because 1) I love my mother, but living with her was really awful!, and 2) I love my kitty, and I could never give her up!

Things were much better before Dwayne got laid off, and then his RA got so advanced. He's still waiting for his disability hearing. He has to use canes, walkers, wheelchairs...it's shocking how much it has progressed in two years, and he's only 45. My grandpa, who is 83 and had brain surgery seven months ago, can still make it across the room faster than Dwayne can. I don't understand how he still hasn't been approved...it's a mystery.

The other thing is that I'm kind of supporting me, Chelsea and her best friend until they get jobs. Chelsea had a job but quit to go to school but then sat out a semester so now she has no job and no school but she is looking for a job now until school starts back. Her best friend was kind of kicked out by his family and had nowhere to go so I said he could stay here until he got a job and found somewhere to go.

I won't mention how long he's been here. Let's just say maybe our Christmas decorations were still up.

I'm kind of his mother figure now. He came out to me yesterday as transgender. So now I have to call her, her. And she.

I had noticed that she had pretty nail polish on her toes for a few weeks now, but you know me...I see something, I think, oh, and then it's gone. IT'S MICHELLE'S WORLD.

I don't know how easy it may be for her job hunting as obviously trans, because she has a deep voice still. I know that Louisville has the Fairness Act, but can employers find ways around that? I'm just worried about her, this is a great town but it isn't New York or San Fran where she might have more help available.

But she has me! Even though we're very low on funds, we have lots of love! And we have, you know, the internet.

p.s. My migraine and I will be going to work together from now on. We will no longer be staying at home. Even if I go and just sit there at my desk in silent death, I will get up and go. So I can bring home that $150/day.

Unless I won the lottery tonight, I'll be sure to let you all know.

Back home, at last

I'm finally back home. The past few days have been difficult - traveling, shopping, dining out and being a tourist, when I've spent the last couple of years being a shut-in.

There were still times I stayed behind in the hotel when the family went out, but I really did try to take part.  I don't want to be tired all the time. 

One of the places I went:

And further down:

I've rafted the river below the falls twice. Back, before, you know...

I hardly recognized myself when I got home and looked in the mirror.  I actually got some sun the past few days and am not my usual shade of pale white that comes from being in my room 24-7.

I'll try to keep it up. I really did push myself. For every moment I sat waiting alone in the car or the lobby or the hotel room, there was also a moment I uncomfortably endured the crowded restaurant and park and shop.  It can only get easier.

But for now at least, I'm home with my kitty:

Hypocrisy is my middle name...no, wait...

1. My sweet adorable kitty is so cute, she follows me around like a puppy and does whatever I do.  But lately, she just lays around and sleeps all day.  Hmmm...

2. My shrink put me back on the scary medicine... okaaaaaay...

3. Did you notice it didn't get dark until 6 p.m. today?  The days are getting longer...

4. Today was my first of undoubtedly many missteps of 2013 - I called in to work.  I'm such a disappointment, I'm so predictable, yes yes yes I already know.  I just don't know WHY.

5. Hopefully the medicine will help.  If it doesn't drive me battier than I already am...

I feel so...stupid.

At least I got 3 hours in...

Why why why does my kitty wake me up at 2:30 in the morning?
Am I being punished?
I'm bad, right?:(I've been up for 3 hours and 20 minutes and I only have 25 minutes left to go back to sleep.  Arrrgggghhhh, BAD KITTY.

And on, and on...

Music: The Weepies - The World Spins Madly On

I've been here over a year now, and I have to say that one of my favorite things about living here is the ride home from work. I've only moved about five miles away, but it's a huge difference... Now I drive home through the park and up and around the back way, up and up the hill, with the trees and the streams and the winding roads. In the past year I've seen deer and chipmunks and enjoyed the seasons change like I never have before.

The absolute best was in the days after the ice storm, when the way home was transformed into an icy sparkly wonderland. And the tree out front was bent completely over by the weight of the ice, the top of it touching the ground. I didn't think it would ever recover, but it has, now standing as tall and skinny as ever.

I'm really happy here. I can see the woods from my bedroom window, and hear the bullfrogs at night.

The peace is only sometimes shattered by the temperamental teenage girl who also lives here. My sweet baby girl turned into a beautiful fifteen-year old (sixteen this month, gulp!) with a (gulp!!!) boyfriend in this past year...hmmm...any correlation between this and my headaches?

So that's who we are now, me, my beautiful daughter, and my wonderful kittycat who just adores me and sort of, you know, hisses, at everyone else, including my poor boyfriend who keeps plying her with treats trying to get himself in there. Our happy family...

Second Chance...

Music: Solomon Burke - Cry To Me

It's 3 a.m. and I'm suffering through another marathon migraine... I really, really hope that this migraine is what is bringing on this terrible melancholy I'm feeling tonight. I mean, I take medicine for this, I'm supposed to be in a nice vague happy daze all the time.

Instead, I'm melancholy and jittery and stuck in despair and I can't stand myself and thinking about the horrible things I've done in the past.

All I have to say is, thank goodness for my cat. It's hard to remember that you're stuck in despair when the kitty cat just tried her best to get between you and the keyboard, and, failing that, sat up on the desk, scratched behind her right ear and sent fur flying, then leapt to the bed and is now laying on her pillow (yes, the pillow next to my pillow), imploring me to come to bed and stop this 3 a.m. nonsense.

Bossy kitty. G'night.

Outside

I've moved and I no longer have a purple door...
But now I live on a hill and there's woods behind me and the view is so wonderful.
My daughter, my kitty and I are living here in varying degrees of contentment.
I'm very happy here, but it's been almost two months and it's still not. quite. home.
All daughter needs is her phone, her laptop, her iPod, and her sketchpads, and she's her usual surly mean self. 
Well, surly and mean to ME, anyway... all of her nice and sweet-ness is used on her friends. 
I thought my kitty was settling in fine, until this week when she went pee-pee TWICE on my bedroom floor.  I had to reread all my cat books, and now I'm worried that she's depressed about the move.
She HAS been meowing a lot, lately.  And asking for a lot of extra treats.
What?  You think that I've spoiled her?
Absolutely... she deserves it!  She's way nicer than the other adolescent who lives here.
I'm tired now...
It took a lot out of me to write this little bit.
I think the anti-depressants I take are the reason I can't write anymore.

lost entry...

am i falling for this again?...
i put my heart and soul into an entry, clicked save, and it disappeared into aol no man's land...
what was it about? something about the cast and stitches on my hand, and how it's affected my typing ability, and how i'm using my hand anyway even though i'm not supposed to and even though it hurts really bad, and we had major drama today and i'm tired of it and i'm having trouble getting out of bed, and how i'm falling into a deep black hole of depression again even though my medicine is supposed to prevent that and that might be a clue that it might need to be changed, and i ran out of heart medicine and oh yeah i was going to go back to bed and get under the covers and not come out again until things got much much better
and then of course my plans got foiled by stupid aol losing my stupid entry.
so i restarted my computer, took a walk into the living room and rescued my kitty and put her where she belongs (you know, in bed with me)
and wrote this
and whether this one works or not, I really am going to sleep now.  Tomorrow's Father's Day and we have to honor my grandpa.  I also have to call my dad.  Father's Day makes me uncomfortable for my daughter's sake...she doesn't have a father, never has had one...I don't know how she feels about it.  I feel terrible about it.

not today...

I've tried really hard to clean out my email in the last couple of days, at the expense of my arm, which is still in a cast after the surgery I had less than two weeks ago...it's kind of throbbing and in pain.  I'm trying to cool it on the Lortabs, though, because I was kind of 'yearning' for them last night...I'm terrified of becoming an addict. 
Since January I've had two surgeries and missed tons of work and took a mini-vacation to Nashville and a bigger mini-vacation to Washington D.C (for daughter's field trip).  The doctor told me I had a minor heart condition which explained why I was feeling so sick all the time and put me on all this different medication in addition to what I was already taking.  The new medication made me feel even worse but apparently 'the benefits outweigh the risks' or something like that.  My daughter squeaked through eighth grade and managed to pass all her classes...barely, but not with grades good enough to get into any of the high schools she wanted to go to, and we don't want her to go back to the private school she was going to.
So it's June and what I haven't done is find a school for my daughter.  I'm having money issues from when I was off work.  And even though I'm on eight million different medications, I still don't feel very well...
Everyone's mad at me all the time.  Well, by everyone. I mean my daughter, who is mad at the world - I think it's a teenager thing; my mother - who is just mad at me, constantly and always, ever, ever, and ever, I can't do anything right; and my grandmother - who is mad at me and my mother, because we are always mad at each other.  Did I mention that all of us live in two houses, right next door to each other?  This four generations of women very close in age, blood, AND proximity thing is about to kill me...
It's too bad I had to come back to my journal to whine and complain...I probably should have taken that Lortab after all, I probably would have been a lot happier! 
But D is still as strong and kind as ever...and my daughter is healthy and growing and sure togrow out of this mean streak some day soon :)...and my dear sweet adorable kitty is still the cutest little thing ever.  Well, maybe not so little anymore, we took her to vet and she weighed 12 lbs 8 ounces...she's very long and tall and furry, kind of like a horse...she's way bigger than the dogs across the street...but she's still the cutest!

trying to find a way...

My kitty is sleeping, curled up on the floor beside me...
I just had some Tagalongs and a diet Pepsi... There may be a better time of year than Girl Scout Cookie time, but right now I can't think of it.
I've had lots of time for reflection since I've been off work...and lots of time for sleeping.  Sleeping and reflecting...
My daughter's grades and behavior have improved by great leaps and bounds since I've been off work.  It makes me so ashamed.  Obviously, a lot of her problems could have been alleviated by me spending more time with her instead of at work.  She needs me...I don't know how come I didn't see it.
When I go back, I'll have to cut out any overtime, EVER...I'll also have to make sure I start going in early so I can get off early and be home with her.  This is easy stuff that I could and should have done before now.  I'm also going to look into transferring to a job with different hours...enough said...
We just watched 'Elizabethtown' tonight...it's so strange typing that name out in full because, around here, we just call it E-town.  I vaguely remember when the movie was being filmed here in Loo-uh-vul because there were sightings of the beautiful people all around town...
And now I feel bad for not paying more attention when they were filming, or when it came out in theaters, because the movie ROCKS...and not just because it has Mr.Beautiful Orlando Bloom himself in it! 
This movie has everything that I love...it showcases my beautiful city and state and all the wonderful people who live here...it has awesome music...and it dictates the importance of The Road Trip.  It's MY perfect movie...
It even had Derby glasses.

very exciting...

Had the surgery Friday morning... I've been in a drug-induced haze since then, except for now.  My hand was hurting so much that I took two of the Vicodins instead of just one and now I find myself wide awake.  But feeling no pain...
I have the next two weeks off work and I'm really excited about catching up with my journaling, one-handed and all...
I had no idea how much my job and the upcoming surgery was stressing me out, until now, with the surgery in the past and I don't have to worry about work for a while.  Pain and all, I am SO HAPPY right now...even with the resident thirteen-year old drama queen in the house...
Except that I'm not allowed to pick up my kitty right now...but she's still sleeping with me, so I guess we're still good!

Why so long...

12.45 am...
Kitty is curled up on my bed, asleep...
I'm having total pain and discomfort in both hands...
My surgery was originally scheduled for my right hand first.  But then a couple of weeks ago a cyst appeared on my left hand, which put that ahead of the right in terms of pain, so at my pre-op appointment Monday I switched hands on them.  
Just a few misgivings about the late switch, because as I went from one testing room to the other, they would say, "Okay, WHICH hand?"
I'm picturing waking up in recovery with BOTH hands done at the same time...or NO hands at all...
I had to go to physical therapy...I'm of the opinion that physical therapists are MEAN.  She's showing me the exercises that I'll need to do after my surgery and she's making me copy her and I'm in so much pain and then she asks me that stupid question..."On a level of 1 to 10, how much does it hurt?" 
I don't normally curse, but I really wanted to scream at her..."13, you %!#$!, is that what you want to hear?!"
I've totally slacked on my journals...I swear I'm trying to catch up.  It's just so hard to type when your fingers are numb and you can't move your wrists because it hurts so bad.
I'm turning thirty-three on the 7th and then I'm having surgery on the 10th.  I'm OLD and I'm falling apart.
I'm going to cuddle my kitty now...she's soooo cute!  She doesn't care that mommy is old...she loves me!
(Well really, I'm the one that feeds her, of course she loves me!)