Death by Atomic Wedgie - Seriously

http://news.yahoo.com/oklahoma-man-charged-39-atomic-wedgie-39-murder-224627818.html

OKLAHOMA CITY (Reuters) - A 33-year-old Oklahoma man has been charged with killing his stepfather by giving him an "atomic wedgie," that caused the victim to suffocate on his own underwear.

Brad Lee Davis was charged with murder in the death of 58-year-old Denver St. Clair in a drunken family fight at a residence just east of Oklahoma City, the Pottawatomie County Sheriff's Office said in an arrest affidavit obtained on Wednesday.

Police arrested Davis on Tuesday. The affidavit said he "grabbed St. Clair's underwear and gave him an 'atomic wedgie.' Davis allegedly pulled the elastic waistband of St. Clair's underwear over his head and around his neck." Oklahoma Medical Examiner spokeswoman Amy Elliott said the cause of death was asphyxiation and blunt force trauma.

Pottawatomie County Sheriff Deputy Travis Palmer said Davis and St. Clair were drinking beer on the night of December 21 at the older man's residence when St. Clair began speaking ill about his wife, who is Davis' mother.

Investigators said St. Clair's elastic waistband was stretched over his head and that it left ligature marks around his neck. Blood splatter was also found in the kitchen, the living room and on the living room ceiling.

Davis was being held in Pottawatomie County without bond. His lawyer was not immediately available for comment.

Doritos "Finger Cleaner" commercial

This might be the funniest thing I've seen in years.  Disturbing, but funny!

Red Lobster in The Onion

Red Lobster: Taking Up The Vanguard In The Fight Against Women In The Workplace

ORLANDO, FL—In today’s fast-paced corporate world, it sometimes seems as if the moral fabric of our society has been stretched beyond recognition in the name of so-called social progress.

 Bowing to the twin demons of feminism and political correctness, many businesses have readily yielded to the pressures of the country’s advancing women’s rights front, allowing their fear of losing a few customers to cloud their judgment and dilute their most fundamental of values. But not at Red Lobster.

For over 40 years, the country’s preeminent seafood restaurant chain has strived to maintain a respectable business environment in both its restaurants and its corporate structure. And though the currents of change may have shaken the resolve of other eateries, Red Lobster’s leadership is in firm agreement that their company now and forever will remain at the forefront in the ongoing fight against women in the workplace.

 “Red Lobster’s corporate values have always been directly aligned with the interests of the traditional American family, and that means we are vigorously opposed to the female infiltration of the workplace,” said Clarence Otis Jr., CEO of Red Lobster’s parent company Darden Restaurants Inc., and a self-described “die-hard opponent” of the women’s rights movement. “That’s why, when you step into one of our restaurants for a taste of the most delicious seafood around, you won’t see a single female employee who isn't a server or hostess, and you’ll never, ever see a woman working in any kind of supervisory role.” “

That’s our promise to you,” Otis continued.

 Click through for the full piece.

A drunken Irish blessing

Is there any other kind?

Drink be with me, drink within me, don't drink behind me, don't drink before me, drink beside me, drink to win me, drink to comfort and restore me. This leads to drinks beneath me, drinks above me, passed out in quiet, our lives in danger, fear in hearts of all that love me, drinks in mouth of friend and stranger. I bind unto myself the taste, The strong taste of whisky, wine and women; By invocation of the same. The Three in One is grand, and One in Three is nice for me, Of Whom all debauchery  hath creation, Eternally hung over, spirit in my cup, words of wisdom for all: Praise to the drink of my salvation, Whisky is my king.


My ex is an Irish woman from the Boston area, and that seems about right for her family.  To her credit, she turned me on to Irish whisky.  While not my preferred Scotch, it'll do in a pinch!

If men and women swapped roles at the gym

Hilarious!

I hate your car's stickers

Unless your sticker says "My doberman could beat up your honor student and then hump his leg while your child lies there crying and soiling himself."

And what is it with GLBT people's cars?  Just how many stickers do you folks need?  I have yet to meet a gay person whose car wasn't stickered.  Even rich gays sneak one in there somewhere.

And while we're on the subject, what is it about Subaru's that make them so attractive to lesbians?

This is the kind of shit that keeps me up at night now.  I need more scotch to turn that part of my brain off.

This sign would've been useful...

This would've been useful for a couple of people I encountered this week.  One guy on the train, and a lady at my gym.  Beano folks, let's use it. 

Irony of Google Ads

I was just looking at this blog since there was something wonky going on earlier this week with advertisements.  It seems to be fixed.  Good.  Not sure how whatever happened, happened, but it has been taken care of from all that I see.

And so I'm looking at the site, and the first advertisement that Google serves me up?  A ad for Red Lobster's current promo.  I laughed out loud.  You'd think that maybe they'd make an exception and NOT give me that ad.  I could care less about it being on the blog, but to me personally?  It'd be like giving Mike Tyson advertisements for boxing lessons.

If I haven't mentioned previously, my ad revenue goes to a good charity of my choosing.  While it isn't a ton of money, I'm sure it helps them out, as nearly every quality charity runs on a pretty tight budget.

Sometimes you just have to laugh

I stumbled onto a new site the other day while wasting time rather than working (I get to do that now!).  It's called Rhino Droppings, and their past droppings pages nearly made me piss myself. http://rhinodroppings.com/past_droppings_of_day.php?page=1

If you are easily offended, sensitive, or just a humorless dickweed you'll hate the site.  Everyone else...damn it's funny.

Sometimes you just need to laugh

If you work in the service industry for very long at all, you can't help but laugh at this!  And before you bitch about it - my sister is one of those manly lookin' ones - which is why I've always known I'd make an ugly woman!!

I am the 99%

One of my regular customers shared this with me last night & I had a good laugh.

Slutty Halloween Costumes

Slutty Halloween Costumes: A Carefully Worded Tribute -- powered by Cracked.com



I miss the days we could wear costumes to work.

Spam and Asian wedding

Yes, a strange title to this post, but it really is the intersection of my last week.

A couple of days ago I was cleaning out the spam box in my email account.  How did the world know my penis was so small?  By the amount of cock enhancement messages I had in there you'd think I was hung like....an Asian dude.

Why'd I go there?

Earlier this week I served the wedding rehearsal party of a really cute mid-40's Asian couple.  The gentleman was very soft spoken, nearly submissive to his wife early on in the evening (they were at our store for about 2.5 hours).  It was a small party - 7 people - so I made sure they enjoyed themselves and had a good time.  Unfortunately we didn't have any Asian beers, so the gentleman began ordering Top Shelf Margarita's, and after the majority of 4 of them, he became my newest best friend.  Thankfully he wasn't a loud drunk.  But at some point as they all were a few drinks into their evening (and heading to a bar later they said) they started joking with one another, and to a certain extent with me as well.  They were a bit isolated from our other tables, and it was dead because of some other area activity pulling people away.

As they joked, the jokes got slowly but surely more risque (though never offensive).  Somehow their lovemaking (the to-be-wed) became the point of discussion and my new best friend managed to inform me, and the whole table, that while he's hung like an Asian he make up for it with a tongue like a serpent - while making the tongue between fingers gesture ala Kingpin.  The party roared with laughter, with the exception of his mother, who just stared ahead at her food.

Unintentional hilarity is the best kind!

Food for thought

This image returned me to some great high school hi-jinx involving "athletic balms".  The good 'ole Icy-Hot in the jock being one of the most classic.  We got our quarterback with that one once.  No, I did not touch his jock.

I once made the mistake of grabbing my Icy-Hot rather than my Body Glide and applied a bit to my inner thighs before I caught what I was doing (I could smell it!).  Thankfully nothing sensitive made contact, and I wiped the majority of it off before it started to work in. It was early in the morning, and that's what I get for trying to exercise before my brain turns back on.

Modern measure of love

No, this isn't a dick joke sicko.

Do you talk about your lovers in the crapper?  Do you phone your lover while on the crapper?  That's love.

Last weekend I was walking out through our lobby at the Slobster and noticed our two teenage hostesses huddled together reppressing what could only be laughter.  I'm generally annoyed by teens and so I shrugged with indifference and kept walking.  That is, about two more steps.  Then I heard "and den dat muthafucka ate my puusssy reeeaal good..." come melodically from the women's bathroom.  And the teens burst forth with peals of giggles and laughter.  Annoying but appropriate.

Teen Hostess 1 says to me "They've been in there talking like that for at least 5 minutes!"  Giggle snicker snort.  She has tears at the corner of her eyes.  "And they've been talking just that loud!"  There are double doors between the host stand and the interior of the ladies' crapper. 

"And she talked about EATING HIS ASS!" mindless teen drone #2 says about 40% too loud for any setting, let alone a work place that doesn't involve a pole or creepy guys "massaging their leg" as they walk up and down aisles of porn.

While I can see the fun in standing here and listening, I can also see there are customers out in the parking lot and they look to be coming in.

I look at the seating robot twins and say "When the ladies ask, tell them it was 'just some guy'".  They give me blank dumbfounded stares.

I push the first door open with my foot and say rather loudly "HEY!  Keep it down in there!"  And pound on the wall and then walk out.  There was a small shriek emitted when I said "HEY!" and then lots of laughter.  From the bathroom and the host stand.

Sex Panther - 60% of the time it works all the time

I think my tips would be better with balls that smelled of Sex Panther (click to purchase!)

I laughed my ass off when I found out they were making this stuff! I can only imagine what it smells like.



And if you get thirsty, try Booty Sweat!

Hilarious concepts from two movies (Anchorman and Tropic Thunder) that I thought were exceptionally lame. Dodgeball and Balls of Fury were so much better. As was Office Space.  And Blades of Glory.

Buy your furiture at the Red House!

This has nothing to do with Red Lobster, but is damn funny!




My only question is where are the Asians and Arabs supposed to get a sofa?

The things people say in public

I wasn't waiting on this table, I only happened to be in the "neighborhood" when the shit hit the fan.

A co-worked had pointed out to me a couple of lesbians in her section who were slowly but surely having a heated moment.  They started out quietly, but as the minutes passed you could tell one lady was very angry at the other lady.  None of us were close enough to hear what was being said though, so we stood at a distance pretending not to notice all the while guessing what the argument was over.  My guess was the argument was over who forgot to clean the big blue dildo last time.  It could happen.

Just as I thought thing were beginning to settle down I hear a loud "crack" as the angry woman smacked the table with the palm of her hand (very hard I might say, she probably regretted it later) that drew all our attention to the table.  The very next moment the woman stand up, throws her napkin in the face of the other now crying woman.  Angry lady then grabs her crotch with both hands and loudly proclaims "You can suck my balls bitch!  SUCK!  MY!! BALLS!!!" and then calmly walks out of the restaurant.

At least 40 people had to hear that last part, and one guy a couple of sections over, a fratboy I've served previously, says "You can get mine too!" which causes the crying woman to now just bury her head in horror on the table.

Needless to say crying woman got up and gave her credit card to a host so she could pay and get out.

And the worst part is now we're all debating whether it was two women or what?  I swear as does the lady serving them that they were both women.

Best Tail in Town!

Red Lobster needs to buy me one of these cars. I'd drive it everywhere! Who cares about MPG when you have this beast riding shotgun! I'll bet it startles more than one old lady at a stop light!

I love the Onion!

Sometimes you just have to laugh!

The Onion.com cracks me up. We need more things like that in this world. From the Onion:

Red Lobster Introduces New Mechanical Jumbo Shrimp Ride


And don't miss:

Red Lobster Introduces New Jellyfish Sting-A-Roos (Audio)

And of course the ever popular:

Top Hat Full of Shrimp


Maybe they'll add that last one for Lobsterfest!?!